Category Archives: Sober Hangover

Writings from the night before

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May 31, 2014

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DAY 8 Sober: Sober Saturdays, Sober Hangover

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DAY 8 Sober: Sober Saturdays

 Hello World, Today is Day 8 Sober and i am feeling so good. I got 8 hrs of sleep with no Friday hangover! Its pretty awesome to know i wont ever experience a hangover.  I am at Iota cafe, Such an awesome atmosphere. Today will be a first in a very long time.  A sober saturday sounded like a hell in the past now it seems like a blast to know exactly how its going to end.  In the past with my Alcoholism it would always end ugly. Or regretful. Its  good to know i am in control of my saturday nights from mow on. Why are saturdays such a self abusive night for youth.  Alcohol is such a powerful drug that has killed millions directly and in directly and yet still legal but end the its the youths mind that makes those choices.  I am currently seating next to a couple who is about to order a craft beer. Craft beer  was my favorite especially IPA’s. I am sipping on a carmel latte. I can spell the hops from here but i am staying focus and not even a visual or smell can take away my Happiness and focus.  

 

Not sure whats on the agenda for tonight maybe some bored games, food, karaoke,  I do love to dance. I am so in love with Ktown! Ill be with some awesome and supportive  peeps. Its important to have that in your life but if you don’t thats ok because in the end of the day the only person that keeps you sober is yourself.  I am starting to get back that passion again for things i wanted to do when i got older. I feel like my disorder stunted my growth so i am still that high school kid trying to figure out whats next. Well i have an amazing passion for film and writing. As a kid film took me away from the chaos that surround my childhood, For 2 hrs i would not be worrying about my next meal, or if i am going to get beat. I would live vicariously through the actors on screen and act out scenes, i would even practice my oscar speech over and over again. As i got older my taste and film has gotten a bit snobby i must admit but nonetheless the passion still there to Act, Write and create.

 

I have been in few things and I have started writing an amazing story but i am bias of course.  Sia on pandora is pretty amazing at the moment. I will be filling you guys in on my first saturday sober in a video blog. I am so grateful for life and for the love that surrounds me thats shine through me. Staying sober and watching the disorder that centers in my mind will take work but I am one million times ready to take it on and eventually the disorder will loose so much power it would be more life a bird chirp than a train horn.  Thank you all for reading this and for being so supportive! 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

 

 

 

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May 30, 2014

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DAY 7 Sober: Game Plan, Sober Hangover

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DAY 7 Sober: Game Plan

Hello my friends! Its been a whole week since I had my last sip, It was a whiskey and ginger ale. I was stumbling down western calling uber, Poor uber driver, god only knows how that turned out but  I am so excited to be sober. The support from everybody has been so Refreshing and much appreciated.  My brother, his wife, my niece and nephew came out to visit . It was so nice being around family. We went and had lunch at pinks.  Most of my family lives in Palm Springs or Bakersfield. I am the only one out here in LA. I do miss them all the time but LA has been so amazing and life changing… this is my home.

 

Somebody wise today ask me what is my game plan ? I did not get the question right away.  Then I realize what  she was saying, life will get tough.  People will pass away or trauma will happen again . How will I deal with life sober When life starts testing my courage I need a game plan. My life has to co exists with alcohol, I have to be ok with being around it. I think for me the key is to surround myself with supportive love ones and remind myself what kind of person I was when I was treating my disorder with alcohol. I also need incorporate healthy outlets like running, bike riding and meditation. I enjoy all three of those Healthy activities, they also help me clear my mind.  My writings also has help me a ton. It important to allow yourself time to grief and not hold it in. I need to always be focusing on my Spiritual growth, being grateful and also giving which i don’t do as often as I should.

 

This weekend going to be a huge step for me, Ill be signing a new lease for my own apt in LA.  Ive been kinda like a nomad after my split Back in november. Well we broke up in November but didn’t really stop you know until February so i say February my ex might disagree but anyways. Its just a huge final step that is exciting and scary.  It’s in the same building just across the hall so it’ll be an easy move.  I am so grateful for being sober and the universe has been so kind since i’ve been living my truth. thank you all again

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo 

 

 

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May 29, 2014

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DAY 6 Sober: Breaking the Cycle, Sober Hangover

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DAY 6 Sober: Breaking the Cycle

  Before i start i wanted to Address something i notice when I was watching my Day 6 sober: Breaking the cycle video i said  ” I always needed booze,boys, money, cars, friends, I mean its nice to have those things but those things don’t mean shit if you are not really working on your stuff and happy”    You see how sneaky this disorder is! I was naming off stuff i used in the past to make me happy and even if i am happy or dealing with my stuff  I can never drink booze or have any substance! its still trying to sneak in, that was a real moment on how Alcoholism works! Inside Self and Mind=ISM.. I am glad i caught it so i can be aware!!!!!!!! 

 

 

So, Today has be a very amazing day Day 6 sober. I am currently Laying in bed alone, in peace…..well I was until my wifi stopped working now at a Starbucks on Wilshire!  I used to hate being alone because I was left with my mind  feeding me my horrible past then those thoughts became feelings that consisted of  paranoia, fear, Anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and unsettledness. So then My Alcohol disorder would easily convince my to drink  to the point of darkness and that was the pattern that Repeated over, over and over in cycles for years. I Feel like my family had patterns that turn into cycles that has been in grain in us from generation to generation. There is a reason why addiction has been passed down from my grandpa, father then to me. Learn habits? I used to tell myself  i would never be an addict after living through a horrible childhood. I hated the thought of  booze and drugs, so how did i end up here? 

 

 

Can Patterns be in grain in us with us not even knowing? I believe my family had behavior patterns that told us how to view the world, are opinion of others, self esteem and are belief system. Family patterns are not bad or good.. it was passed down to them. We need them to challenge us so we can grow.  We also have the power to break free from the family patterns, just by becoming aware of  are thoughts. Its a challenge for me but if  i want to overcome this Alcohol disorder then i have to be aware of my self esteem, how i see the world, and be the watcher of my mind.  Last night when i was talking in my video blog i had an aahhh moment in Oprah words. I realize that i am the one in are family to break this pattern in the Vasquez generation. Ive been preparing for this battle my whole life, maybe thats why i had all the trauma in my childhood so i can be strong enough to fight this battle, so my children and their children are free from this disorder that was handed down to us! I never really knew my grandpa Santos but i really understand him now and maybe just maybe he is on the other side keeping me alive so i can fight for him too!

 

 

It ends now and here.. I will be starting AA this weekend and i know it helped millions and i know in my heart that i am an addict and thats the first step. To know you are powerless over booze. I am open to anything that can help me stay sober. So if anyone out there has any suggestions, that would be awesome!  Iam so grateful for 6 days sober and finding myself everyday!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo 

 

 

 

 

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May 28, 2014

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DAY 5 Sober: A Survivors MInd, Sober Hangover

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DAY 5 Sober: A Survivor Mind

  Today is day five sober and i am still going strong. My video Blog was so scary btw, It was so hard but i am glad i did. I am enjoying a Chai tea at my spot in Koreatown. No cravings so far but i am starting to feel that semi Depression that sneaks up on you in the beginning stages of getting sober. My Body aches, I have night sweats, muscle Spasms, Lack of sleep, Lack of appetite and also a mild headache. . In the past five months my life has been turn upside down. Some of the hardest moments of my life so far…So much change but with change comes freedom, loneliness, and endless possiblities  Also nothing seems fun and i kinda don’t want to do anything except write. Which is still pretty good but i love film and i usually watch at least one or two a day Maybe its the lack of sleep Ive been getting. Things are starting to settle down a bit and a new normal is on the horizon, i cant see what it looks like but i know it involves being sober.

Not sure why it took me so long to realize i was an addict. After countless bad decisions. Even after seeing people i knew pass from addiction. Doctors telling me I have a fatty liver. None of it was enough. Yet my mind just shifted on may 24 14.  I  realized its a mental disorder that centers in are brain and not in the booze and that i have control of my mind and sometimes the mind can be your worst enemy addicts or none addicts.  In my childhood and even up to my 20’s  I had a lot of trauma that range from Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, Physical abuse, and neglect. A child mind is very impressionable and cant rationalize those forms of abuse.  So i was taught at a very young age to always live in this mind, I had to survive and my mind made it possible. I used to pretend play as child every child pretends which is normal but my lasted a bit long into high school my reality was so bad that i would spend hours with my mind in my room or watching tons of film.  As i got older i stayed in mind even when the surroundings got so much better filled with amazing love. I was still in survivor mode.

 

When i was younger my mind would lie to teachers when they saw knots on my head or lie to everybody so my parents would not get in trouble. Stealing food, stealing from family. when i was younger i was really small and skinny so i  would be put into doggy doors so i can steal food. I used to walk into walmart with old shoes and walk out with knew shoes..With parent consent.  In high school freshman year I only had two outfits horrible Experience, I was leaving with my father at the time. The minute i got a work permit i had to work paying rent so i was always in my mind surviving not trying to find out who i was or what my future looked like, Prom, college.  As i got older my mind was still in survivor mode, My mother was living with me and i was 2o.Working full time to put food on the table. I sorta raised my young brother since he was a kid. My mom always had jobs that didn’t last more then a few months.      

 

 

Then one night a girl who will be nameless, offered me cocaine at that gay bar and my mind felt so good it was not in survivor mode and the rest was history…So the minute i had a chance at a normal life in LA i took it!!!!! get the hell out of the desert! but i was still with that survivor mind but with a bigger Disorder, I came to LA with my Alcohol disorder! and that was horrible. My survivor mind showed itself with distrust, fear, Paranoia, Added with booze! BOY O BOY! what a recipe. The really fucked up part was the Surroundings was such a 360 from back home. Filled with love, good cheese, Wonderful game nights, BBQ’s, laughter, an amazing apartment, maggie my dog, an amazing ex with an amazing family and group of friends. I was in survivor mode fueled by booze i did not even see the amazing love i had back home from my bros, sis in law, nephews, niece, Step mom and my all my aunts. My real parents are amazing too! My alcohol disorder helps me understand them more. They are pretty awesome.

 

So part of my recovery is to go back and heal my own wounds. Forgive people and forgive myself. I am so grateful for my being sober and for everyone who is taking time out there day to reading this! I hope one day i can inspire. One blog at a Time

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

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May 27, 2014

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DAY 4 Sober: The Guilt, Sober Hangover

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DAY 4 Sober: The Guilt

I just want to start off saying thank you universe for this sober day 4. My mind is clear and I am yet to have a craving or an anxiety attack. I am currently in Koreatown at this cafe i am in love with.  I was here 6 hours yesterday. They are open late so its a  perfect place instead of a bar. I work really early in the morning. I have to be up 345am, I am turning into a morning person which is great.

Today i got on the metro and my mind started to race on all the stuff  I’ve done to people. I was holding back tears of course listing to sappy music intensified my tears so of course they started to flow again. There is something about Kelly Clarkson that knows exactly what to say to get a grown man crying hahahaha. In the past i would over drink and I would black out and turn into a mean and aggressive person which usually ended with tears, I never had gotten into a physical fight  just a bunch of false treats. Expect one time (later blog).  I am sure if i kept drinking into my 30’s then i am sure it would have escalate.  I was very verbally abusive which I believe is the worst kind from my own experience.  So hear i am talking about my tears (kinda selfish)  but the endless amount of tears i caused my loved ones,  especially one person in particular. Thats what the Alcohol mind does. I am trying  to forgive myself  for all the  wrongs, all the tears, all the chaos, all the fear I brought into peoples lives.  I had all this love around me but my infected alcoholic mind did not allow the real me,  accept the fact that i deserve love, that there are good people in this world. You see i was never taught how to have a healthy loving relationship as child. I didn’t have the foundation of what love is Added with my disorder.

I had so much guilt that sat in my core but what i am realizing is guilt is fear from ones personality and fear moves you away from growth.  So guilt prevents you from learning because you  feel ashamed, Regret, sad about something you did out of FEAR! so Instead of beating yourself  up, learn and instead of acting out of fear act out in LOVE, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING.  This is something i am still learning how to do, I am only 4 days old and i know i am on the right track! 

So i created sober is the new black may 24 2011 but i did not want to admit to myself  i was an addict so i did not post anything. When i finally accepted my truth of being an addict  and i post my first entry guess what day it was? MAY 24 2013. Its was 3 years ago on that exact day!   Here comes the tears again, you see once you accept yourself sit in your truth good and bad, let go of the fears that caused the  guilt. The world opens doors for you that you could have never imagine and the world looks a lot brighter. This is daily process for me, i have to stay grateful for being sober and stay sober. I Have to let go of the fear of what people think of me.  I was in bed may 24 late at night and my disorder mind started feeding me guilty, sad and hurt because i saw something that hurt me but that person did not hurt me it just triggered what was already inside me. Then it clicked i should start this damn blog already and start living a more truthful life guilt free! 

 

stay connect with love,  Adolfo

 

 

 

   

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May 26, 2014

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DAY 3 Sober: End of day, Sober Hangover

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DAY 3 Sober: End Of Day

 Today Has been an Amazing day. No cravings at all..You can still have a great time Sober. There was beer around me but i stayed focus on my long term goal. I used to focus only on my short terms goals which consist of booze, sex, tv, work, bars, and eating. It was a cycle, of course we need short term goals but i never had long term goals… I was very Stagnant in my own pity. What happens to a river that is stagnant?  Every living, breathing, beautiful thing dies. We humans should not be stagnant in are lives. We should flow like a river constant growth, having long term goals, Always changing and evolving into something greater.

I am 28 but really i am only as old as how many days i am sober so that makes 3 days, it makes sense because now i have to learn how to have fun sober, love sober, be a good friend sober, drive sober, deal with my shit sober, let go sober, forgive sober. I did not have much time to reflect back on my childhood Maybe i just kinda pushed it off because it was a very dark place. I blocked it all out with substance, fear, instant gratifications, Sex, Junk food, and shopping.

I had really bad Anxiety at really young age, since i could remember.  People always say you are not your past but i do believe it affects how you see the world today, its how you judge people, its how you treat yourself, its how you others. Its that road rage you get when you are driving..how dare you cut me off!!!!! Has everything to do with that 4 year old getting beaten…Are parents train us how to treat are selfs but whats amazing is we have the power to change… My family has a lot of addiction disorders, from meth, alcohol, weed, etc. So hopefully i can break that cycle..  See i was scared of everything as a child. Fear of Wind, Fear of choking on food, Fear of getting beat, Fear of being homeless, Fear of heights… My parents put that fear in me at a very young age before i can even speak i knew fear.  As i got older my Fears evolve into Fear of  change, Fear of  loneliness, Fear of not fitting in, Fear of my partner cheating on me. Every time someone is around me in a bad mood i just assume its because of me. I Cant blame my parents, I blame myself  for allowing my parents actions affect me into my adulthood.  

So i know i have a long ways to go but i am going to take it day by day sometimes even min by min… But right now at this moment i am grateful for this bed i am about to pass out in and of course being 3 almost 4 days sober. Thanks again for all the support, I never though in my wildest dreams i would have all this love. 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

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May 26, 2014

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DAY 3 Sober: Living my truth, Sober Hangover

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DAY 3 Sober: Living my Truth

Today is such a nice day in LA, My first sober holiday in a long time… about to head to Grand Park To see The Spanish Harlem Orchestra & Ricardo Lemvo. Ill be with some amazing peeps.  So Today i woke up feeling great found a beer in my closet and some wine, ugh. tossed it out right away. I used to always hide my booze because i felt i could not be honest with myself or with others about my disorder. I used to buy non alcohol wine and fill it up with real wine just so i can seem sober or when i was with a group of friends including my ex i would head to the bar and order a Stella instead of O’doul’s, They looked the same in a glass, Thats what this disorder does once you try and get sober the ISM wants to stay alive so it makes you do crazy stuff so it can thrive ..thats why alcoholism really becomes an issue when you quit because you are not treating you alcoholism with its meds. You now have untreated alcoholism and it never goes away. My thoughts on non alcohol is its a bad idea there is still Alcohol in it and it keeps you needing beer or wine in your life .

I cannot go on lying or being deceitful . I need to start LIVING MY TRUTH and that will be a challenge because i don’t even know who i am but i can start by knowing i cant drink. I don’t know why but every time i start to write my blog tears start flowing…. maybe of  joy, or maybe of  relief  or maybe of fear not sure. So what does living my truth mean to me?  well i think it means first listening to your mind and body in stillness. Find a comfort place where all the noise from the world and your mind become silence. Then Reflect on what truth means to you and how you were taught truth in your childhood. Connect the dots from your past to your issues today. So that will be my first step into knowing why i am an addict, why i am program this way. Why do i want to drink alcohol over healthy relationships, love, and abundance? 

 

The past  few days being sober has been really good. I have a clear mind, Cleaned my Apartment,  my body feels a lot better. The world around me seems a lot brighter and people have been reaching out. The most important thing i need to do is remind myself what alcohol has done to my life and what i have lost. Some one wise told me Baby steps and baby steps i shall. Today i will be blogging again. I am grateful for having 3 days sober  and for all the love i am finding in myself.  

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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May 26, 2014

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DAY 2 Sober: Alcoholism, Sober Hangover

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DAY 2 Sober : Alcoholism

Today has been a good day ! Feeling really positive with knowing I am an addict. I am sitting in cafe in Koreatown out of the norm for me. It Used to be a few local dive bars writing away. I don’t mind the Atmoshpere,  playing some Bruno mars in the background and a Chai tea. Koreatown has some pretty awesome cafes. I kinda wanted to get more in depth on how being an addict Affects my mind. I believe Alcoholism starts once you stop drinking. I am no longer feeding my disorder so that is when this disorder really starts affecting a persons mind, that is when the ISM comes out in my life in Anxiety, Lying, Depression, loneliness, hurtful thoughts. It appears in a conniving and manipulative voice that sounds just like me and knows me really well and because it does it knows what to say to me to get me to drink.  There have been times where I would go to a movie and instead of heading to Regal near me, I would always choose the Grove.  There is little bar I could never pass up in the farmers market at the grove.  I always end up Subconsciously near a bar or liquor store, shopping next to a Bar… Cvs was my Liquor store.

Once you have a substance abuse disorder every drug will eventually become a disorder. I started with weed ( everybody laughs at me when i call it weed), than cocaine for about 2years, than the booze.  The booze did not get heavy until i quite cocaine, I almost OD a few times and have 3 major neglected hospital bills because of it.. so after my third hospital visit I quit drugs. My drinking became heavy.. I remember the exact moment my mind shifted. I use to always hit up a popular gay bar in Palm springs; my home town. I needed the cocaine to have a good time but was so scared.  The club was so boring.  So I Decided to pounded a few  Jack Daniels and that numb feeling came over me! yes! Its legal! The rest was history. The mistakes were endless. A Public intoxication arrest, totaled cars, Friendships and Relationships crumbling, Very bad nights, to alot of horrible flings, Restrainer orders, verbal attacks, passing out and waking up in weird places, endless amounts of vomit that painted cars, walls, and streets. 

  Alcohol is everywhere you go and legal! Every restaurant, Down Every Aisles, at Birthday parties, Even Chuck e cheese (first job BTW). I feel fine today but i know in time this infected mind will come back with a vengeance, it always finds a way. Substance abuse was a symptom of something very dark that lives inside my mind and heart….I have to rip it out but the only way to find it is staying Sober! Once i find it then i can grief  to heal….  I do know i have been an addict since i was a child. I had all the tendencies and qualifications. Today i am grateful for this blog, you peeps out there who take the time to read this and for 2 days sober. I cant wait to become the amazing Adolfo that has always been inside me waiting to come out.

Stay connected with love,  Adolfo

 

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May 25, 2014

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Day 1 Sober, Sober Hangover

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DAY 1 Sober

DAY 1 Sober, I am not scared anymore.. The pain of staying the same is worst then the pain it takes to change!  I am missing out on wonderful experiences and love.. My body is an amazing temple that needs to be treated that way … Everything that was once thriving and amazing was destroy by ALCOHOL.  I am now left, broken, lonely, in mental and physical pain, sad, guilty, ashamed… I want to be free from this battle,  free from my past,  free to live, love, be in love.. Some of my greatest teachers in life have been some of the hardest moments.. There is a man who i lost because of this battle.  The universe brought him into my life, This man had the courage to fight for me when i didn’t even have arms to fight. With his love i was able to grow arms to fight this battle. I believe the universe took him away so now i can fight this battle… I am the only one who can win this battle.  What seems like an impossible fight of ADDICTION….. Addiction is scary, what seems endless, and so this is my journey of staying sober, the ups and downs, tears and joys, living the LA life sober and why is it i want to abuse myself and countless others who are in my life…I hope you join me on this Life mission to finding my truth and becoming whole not perfect but whole for the moment.  Fear has always stopped me from living and my mind has an infection that needs to be healed that was condition from a dark past. I want to shine a spotlight on Addiction and hopefully i can help a person who might be struggling as i do on a daily basis. This will Be my daily blog that will consist of daily updates and weekly videos and hopefully one day for me SOBER IS THE NEW BLACK!