Hello Friends, Today is day 106 sober, It really early in the morning. Right now my heart is in a million pieces, I had to let go of the most important man that I have ever met. I love him more than anyone I have ever met. He was my first everything, we even shared a moment of losing are daughter Maggie which I am so grateful I had him next to me. He saw me at my worst and help me get to this point. I thought I was strong enough to be a friend but I am not. I also can’t expect to just walk back in his life like nothing happen.
I am just confused as he is, I been in love with him for the past year without him being in my life. I know I want him in my life but I don’t know how to be a friend without being constantly hurt. I don’t want to be a selfish asshole but I want to be happy? I feel like I am losing my soul mate. Should I suffer for a maybe at something great? I don’t know if I can wait a year or two or three because he might not even want me. I know I will never love another man like him or find a catch like him
My addiction caused his heart so much fear, I don’t even think me reaching my full potential could take away the fear or worries he has. I want him to find someone better than me he deserves it, he really does. I don’t know if he is fully healed from what I have done, I am not even sure if he thinks I am worth healing for. This is what I do know, I do know I love him, I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I do know my addiction caused this, I do know its unfair for me to ask him for a decision so I must go, I do know I cant be friends with someone I am in love with because my heart will be in constant fear he might ended up with someone else. I do know I could have been friends if I was not in love because we are in constant laughter when we are around each other. I never knew he had feelings for me because he did not want me to know. I do know he tried and I Extremely grateful. I do know it took a lot for him to reach out after what I have done.
I wish i can fix his heart. I wish i can wash away his fears. I wish i was as strong for him as he was for me. i wish i was never an addict, I wish I dealt with my issues before I met HIM, I wish I would have gotten up early so I could of had more moments with him, I wish I was open to hikes and been more considerate. I wish I never took a sip of booze, I wish I told him I relapse and not be so scared to, I wish I never keyed the car, I wish I would had hugged him more and kisses him more. I wish I made an effort with his friends and the relationship. I wish we got on that damn plane! I wish I was Aware he was losing himself because of my issues. I wish I told him everyday how amazingly beautiful he is and how much I loved him, I wish my actions met my words in the relationship, I wish when it was are 6 months I should have let him go with his friend for the weekend and not be such a baby, I wish I never had hurt him and made him shed all those tears. I wish I planned more stuff out for us to do,
I WISH I HAD THE 3 YEAR EXPERIENCE OF US BUT HAD CHANCE TODAY.
I do know life is short. I do know I will always be sober. I don’t care if people think other wise. My goal wasn’t to hurt him. He probably hates me right now. My goal was for him to get to know me and I hope he did. When I lay my head down at night he is the last thing on my mind and the first thing when I wake. When my phone beeps I hope it’s him. I know he doesn’t feel those things for me. I don’t even think he misses me. I don’t care if people think it’s weird that I wanted a relationship with him, I follow my heart not my mind. My love for him never left. I do understand his hesitation. I know I will never stop loving him, I know if he called me now I will drop everything to have one more moment with him laughing. I do know he will always be my elf. I need to be happy, so some more life changes are going to happen, I will be quitting my nonprofit tomorrow I need more time to write. I end with this song and a story I wrote for my elf.
I will be taking a week off of blogging so I can clear my mind, just need a bit of a break away from social media. I will return sober! I hope you understand.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez