DAY 226 Sober: Addiction was my Blessing

Hello Friends, Today is day 226 sober. I got back home last night. Had a wonderful two weeks in Palm Springs Ca. Met some new friends, dance the nights away with old friends. Spent every moment in a state of gratefulness. Very blessed to have two weeks off.  Enjoyed every moment of seeing my Family.

I saw both my parents and felt nothing but love. I knew I had to leave my past in the past and only see them in the light of love. Only with a clean and sober mind I was able to realize my parents issues are their own. It has nothing to do with my space that I create. I realize it comes down to choices, I can choose to not have them in my life but that would be based on a past I am no longer part of. Or I can have them in my life and see them as who they are today. Understanding and compassion is the state of mind I want to be in at all time. Talking to my parents brought me a new understanding on why my childhood was so dark. I can’t change it nor change my parents, I have to accept them whole and move forward. I choose to have them in my life with boundaries, I have to put myself first and my recovery. Why not have them in my life? They both love me and deal with addiction as I do. When my parents are about to cross over to their new beginning I want to know I did all I could in our relationship.  I wanted my parents to let go of the guilt they buried, I am ok and they should be as well. Tied up loose ends and letting go of all the mind haze was what I needed for the New Year. I now sit in Los Angeles feeling peace and a lighter. When I was using it was very convent to use that childhood story for people to understand and feel sorry for me. Time to create a new story, one filled with strength, inspiration, hope, and the power to overcome anything and everything.

 

Before I left my hometown I made sure that 3-year-old boy that was dwelling in me feeding me the stories of my past stayed behind. He is no longer dictating my life or how I see others. I can reflect back to understand what I need work on and inspire, but I will not connect my emotions to it. I had lots of love around me growing up but was blinded by my parents abuse to see it. Everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change one moment of my childhood or drunken stumbles, the reason being all those things got me here today with a wiser mind, a compassion heart, Clean and strong, In the state of gratefulness and seeing and feeling beauty in everything. My addiction put in me in recovery where I learned how to forgive the past but also myself and to heal. Without addiction, I don’t know if I would have been able to forgive my past or it might have taken a lot longer. So addiction was my blessing. Sober is the new black.

 

Here are some of my latest peoms.

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Devendra Banhart is perfection. one of my favorite artist. This song called freely has carried me out of hardships in my life. Hope you enjoy it.

 

Stay Connected with love,  Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 109 Sober: Oh hello, Roller coaster of Emotions

Hello Friends today is day 109 sober, it’s been a really good day. I did have a Rollercoaster of emotion the other day. Day 106 sober. My post was more a feeling rant. What I am noticing is I am learning how to feel life again and deal with the emotions that come with sobriety. I hope I did not worry anyone, nothing will take away my sobriety. Its number one and the rest will follow. The last few days, I had to accept the universe decision, I know there is a bigger picture my round eyes probably cant see at the moment but I know The universe has something huge in store for me. I just have to stay focus and embrace life, how I am suppose to. Sobriety doesn’t solve all my worries it just gives me a clear mind so I can make a decision and heal. I am going to have ups and downs and probably feel hurt again but what’s amazing is I am not wanting to drink. I am so proud that I can become sad to that extent I was that night and not want to use.

 

Getting sober, break up. losing everything is really hard but possible to overcome and what’s even more crazier is you can go from that too writing a book and that my friends just shows you the power of sobriety. People in recovery are the strongest people I have ever met. Dealing with addiction and trying to be a better person everyday takes endless amounts of courage . Some People who are non addicts don’t try and be the best them everyday. Also the loved ones who stick by the addict are also the strongest people I know because my loved ones were fighting my addiction and dealing before I deiced to fight myself and continue to love me and support me. That’s why they are my hero’s. Vince mother, Vince, my stepmother, Vince friends and family, my friends, my family. They were fighting before me and it feels good to know their pain was not in vain. So grateful for them and their love. there are no words.

 

Side note: I learned when I like someone I forget how to speak in normal talk I Stutter and get so nervous

 

I have five days off coming up and I want to do a mini trip somewhere and also write, write, write. It really helps me clear my mind and stay focus. My goal is to have my first draft complete by Monday and hopefully soon you guys can be reading my book. Today I am grateful for love, friends, work, and writing and for pain that makes me stronger and the fact that I am felling pain means I am alive and that is a blessing in itself. Sober is the New Black

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

Vance joy besides being hot and a great singer, is a brilliant artist Riptide is perfection

 

DAY 106 Sober: Vince I wish

Hello Friends, Today is day 106 sober, It really early in the morning. Right now my heart is in a million pieces, I had to let go of the most important man that I have ever met. I love him more than anyone I have ever met. He was my first everything, we even shared a moment of losing are daughter Maggie which I am so grateful I had him next to me. He saw me at my worst and help me get to this point. I thought I was strong enough to be a friend but I am not. I also can’t expect to just walk back in his life like nothing happen.

 

I am just confused as he is, I been in love with him for the past year without him being in my life. I know I want him in my life but I don’t know how to be a friend without being constantly hurt. I don’t want to be a selfish asshole but I want to be happy? I feel like I am losing my soul mate. Should I suffer for a maybe at something great?  I don’t know if I can wait a year or two or three because he might not even want me. I know I will never love another man like him or find a catch like him

 My addiction caused his heart so much fear, I don’t even think me reaching my full potential could take away the fear or worries he has. I want him to find someone better than me he deserves it, he really does. I don’t know if he is fully healed from what I have done,  I am not even sure if he thinks I am worth healing for.  This is what I do know, I do know I love him, I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I do know my addiction caused this, I do know its unfair for me to ask him for a decision so I must go, I do know I cant be friends with someone I am in love with because my heart will be in constant fear he might ended up with someone else. I do know I could have been friends if I was not in love because we are in constant laughter when we are around each other. I never knew he had feelings for me because he did not want me to know. I do know he tried and I Extremely grateful.  I do know it took a lot for him to reach out after what I have done.

I wish i can fix his heart. I wish i can wash away his fears. I wish i was as strong for him as he was for me.  i wish i was never an addict, I wish I dealt with my issues before I met HIM, I wish I would have gotten up early so I could of had more moments with him, I wish I was open to hikes and been more considerate. I wish I never took a sip of booze, I wish I told him I relapse and not be so scared to, I wish I never keyed the car, I wish I would had hugged him more and kisses him more. I wish I made an effort with his friends and the relationship. I wish we got on that damn plane! I wish I was Aware he was losing himself because of my issues. I wish I told him everyday how amazingly beautiful he is  and how much I loved him, I wish my actions met my words in the relationship, I wish when it was are 6 months I should have let him go with his  friend for the weekend and not be such a baby, I wish I never had hurt him and made him shed all those tears. I wish I planned more stuff out for us to do, 

I WISH I HAD THE 3 YEAR EXPERIENCE OF US BUT HAD CHANCE TODAY.

 

 I do know life is short. I do know I will always be sober. I don’t care if people think other wise. My goal wasn’t to hurt him. He probably hates me right now. My goal was for him to get to know me and I hope he did. When I lay my head down at night he is the last thing on my mind and the first thing when I wake. When my phone beeps I hope it’s him. I know he doesn’t feel those things for me. I don’t even think he misses me. I don’t care if people think it’s weird that I wanted a relationship with him, I follow my heart not my mind. My love for him never left. I do understand his hesitation. I know I will never stop loving him,  I know if he called me now I will drop everything to have one more moment with him laughing. I do know he will always be my elf. I need to be happy, so some more life changes are going to happen, I will be quitting my nonprofit tomorrow I need more time to write.  I end with this song and a story I wrote for my elf.

I will be taking a week off of blogging so I can clear my mind, just need a bit of a break away from social media. I will return sober! I hope you understand.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 104 Sober: Goodbye Joan Rivers

Hello Friends today is day 104 sober. It’s been a great but tiring day. Growing up I have always feared death and it’s something I struggle with accepting. Sometimes, at night I stay awake thinking I will experience death and it freaks me out. Last night that happen but a new feeling came over me, I am not sure if its just a fear I need to heal, but a feeling of  “knowing” I will die young  and maybe even soon. It really scared me. Growing up I always Thought I won’t live to see 21 but I did and I haven’t thought about it since last night. Everything about death freaks me out. From the moment I realize I am about to pass too the process it takes to pass than to the Unknown. Why talk about this now? Because we never know when its are time to go and there are stuff i want to do more of. 

 If I were to pass at this moment I would go out proud because I went out Sober and it wasn’t caused by the battle I face on a daily basis. I want to always let people know how much i love and miss them.  I don’t care if it annoys the other person I just need to always say what’s in my heart at all times. I need to live in the moment more and not live in the “What ifs”? There might not be a “what if'” and living in the “what if’s”takes away from living in the moment. I have to accept the flow of the universe. I need to pray more, I don’t want to be judge but this blog is about total honesty and sometimes the busier life gets the first thing that seems to be pushed aside is my morning prayer and I cant let that happen. I want to love and be in love but I need to come to terms that I might pass alone and for me that’s my biggest fear. I want to go out holding someone hand, most of my life I’ve been alone without my parents, scared and I don’t want to be going out of life scared and alone. Scared fine but not Alone.

 

 

If I were to pass today I would be happy knowing that I am loved and that I was pursing my dreams. It might have taken awhile but I am here doing it. I get a bit emotional writing this but it helps me heal this fear. Writing for me is the only way I heal and I am very grateful for it. So tomorrow, if I wake all that i mention above, I will try and do more often. I will continue to grow, heal, stay sober, and love. Sober is the New Black

 

Side note: Joan Rivers inspired this blog post. I have always loved seeing her, she was so real, honest and a bit blunt like myself. When I was having a bad day or feeling a bit sad Joan always put a smile on my face. Her documentary is highly recommended “a piece of work”. I know she is laughing at all of us while we weep. This video below is Joan talking her daughter Melissa Rivers  about when she passes very touching. Life is one big movie.

 

 

Stay connect with love,  Adolfo Vasquez