I just want to start off saying thank you universe for this sober day 4. My mind is clear and I am yet to have a craving or an anxiety attack. I am currently in Koreatown at this cafe i am in love with. I was here 6 hours yesterday. They are open late so its a perfect place instead of a bar. I work really early in the morning. I have to be up 345am, I am turning into a morning person which is great.
Today i got on the metro and my mind started to race on all the stuff I’ve done to people. I was holding back tears of course listing to sappy music intensified my tears so of course they started to flow again. There is something about Kelly Clarkson that knows exactly what to say to get a grown man crying hahahaha. In the past i would over drink and I would black out and turn into a mean and aggressive person which usually ended with tears, I never had gotten into a physical fight just a bunch of false treats. Expect one time (later blog). I am sure if i kept drinking into my 30’s then i am sure it would have escalate. I was very verbally abusive which I believe is the worst kind from my own experience. So hear i am talking about my tears (kinda selfish) but the endless amount of tears i caused my loved ones, especially one person in particular. Thats what the Alcohol mind does. I am trying to forgive myself for all the wrongs, all the tears, all the chaos, all the fear I brought into peoples lives. I had all this love around me but my infected alcoholic mind did not allow the real me, accept the fact that i deserve love, that there are good people in this world. You see i was never taught how to have a healthy loving relationship as child. I didn’t have the foundation of what love is Added with my disorder.
I had so much guilt that sat in my core but what i am realizing is guilt is fear from ones personality and fear moves you away from growth. So guilt prevents you from learning because you feel ashamed, Regret, sad about something you did out of FEAR! so Instead of beating yourself up, learn and instead of acting out of fear act out in LOVE, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING. This is something i am still learning how to do, I am only 4 days old and i know i am on the right track!
So i created sober is the new black may 24 2011 but i did not want to admit to myself i was an addict so i did not post anything. When i finally accepted my truth of being an addict and i post my first entry guess what day it was? MAY 24 2013. Its was 3 years ago on that exact day! Here comes the tears again, you see once you accept yourself sit in your truth good and bad, let go of the fears that caused the guilt. The world opens doors for you that you could have never imagine and the world looks a lot brighter. This is daily process for me, i have to stay grateful for being sober and stay sober. I Have to let go of the fear of what people think of me. I was in bed may 24 late at night and my disorder mind started feeding me guilty, sad and hurt because i saw something that hurt me but that person did not hurt me it just triggered what was already inside me. Then it clicked i should start this damn blog already and start living a more truthful life guilt free!
stay connect with love, Adolfo