Today is day five sober and i am still going strong. My video Blog was so scary btw, It was so hard but i am glad i did. I am enjoying a Chai tea at my spot in Koreatown. No cravings so far but i am starting to feel that semi Depression that sneaks up on you in the beginning stages of getting sober. My Body aches, I have night sweats, muscle Spasms, Lack of sleep, Lack of appetite and also a mild headache. . In the past five months my life has been turn upside down. Some of the hardest moments of my life so far…So much change but with change comes freedom, loneliness, and endless possiblities Also nothing seems fun and i kinda don’t want to do anything except write. Which is still pretty good but i love film and i usually watch at least one or two a day Maybe its the lack of sleep Ive been getting. Things are starting to settle down a bit and a new normal is on the horizon, i cant see what it looks like but i know it involves being sober.
Not sure why it took me so long to realize i was an addict. After countless bad decisions. Even after seeing people i knew pass from addiction. Doctors telling me I have a fatty liver. None of it was enough. Yet my mind just shifted on may 24 14. I realized its a mental disorder that centers in are brain and not in the booze and that i have control of my mind and sometimes the mind can be your worst enemy addicts or none addicts. In my childhood and even up to my 20’s I had a lot of trauma that range from Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, Physical abuse, and neglect. A child mind is very impressionable and cant rationalize those forms of abuse. So i was taught at a very young age to always live in this mind, I had to survive and my mind made it possible. I used to pretend play as child every child pretends which is normal but my lasted a bit long into high school my reality was so bad that i would spend hours with my mind in my room or watching tons of film. As i got older i stayed in mind even when the surroundings got so much better filled with amazing love. I was still in survivor mode.
When i was younger my mind would lie to teachers when they saw knots on my head or lie to everybody so my parents would not get in trouble. Stealing food, stealing from family. when i was younger i was really small and skinny so i would be put into doggy doors so i can steal food. I used to walk into walmart with old shoes and walk out with knew shoes..With parent consent. In high school freshman year I only had two outfits horrible Experience, I was leaving with my father at the time. The minute i got a work permit i had to work paying rent so i was always in my mind surviving not trying to find out who i was or what my future looked like, Prom, college. As i got older my mind was still in survivor mode, My mother was living with me and i was 2o.Working full time to put food on the table. I sorta raised my young brother since he was a kid. My mom always had jobs that didn’t last more then a few months.
Then one night a girl who will be nameless, offered me cocaine at that gay bar and my mind felt so good it was not in survivor mode and the rest was history…So the minute i had a chance at a normal life in LA i took it!!!!! get the hell out of the desert! but i was still with that survivor mind but with a bigger Disorder, I came to LA with my Alcohol disorder! and that was horrible. My survivor mind showed itself with distrust, fear, Paranoia, Added with booze! BOY O BOY! what a recipe. The really fucked up part was the Surroundings was such a 360 from back home. Filled with love, good cheese, Wonderful game nights, BBQ’s, laughter, an amazing apartment, maggie my dog, an amazing ex with an amazing family and group of friends. I was in survivor mode fueled by booze i did not even see the amazing love i had back home from my bros, sis in law, nephews, niece, Step mom and my all my aunts. My real parents are amazing too! My alcohol disorder helps me understand them more. They are pretty awesome.
So part of my recovery is to go back and heal my own wounds. Forgive people and forgive myself. I am so grateful for my being sober and for everyone who is taking time out there day to reading this! I hope one day i can inspire. One blog at a Time
Stay connect with love, Adolfo