Today has been a good day ! Feeling really positive with knowing I am an addict. I am sitting in cafe in Koreatown out of the norm for me. It Used to be a few local dive bars writing away. I don’t mind the Atmoshpere, playing some Bruno mars in the background and a Chai tea. Koreatown has some pretty awesome cafes. I kinda wanted to get more in depth on how being an addict Affects my mind. I believe Alcoholism starts once you stop drinking. I am no longer feeding my disorder so that is when this disorder really starts affecting a persons mind, that is when the ISM comes out in my life in Anxiety, Lying, Depression, loneliness, hurtful thoughts. It appears in a conniving and manipulative voice that sounds just like me and knows me really well and because it does it knows what to say to me to get me to drink. There have been times where I would go to a movie and instead of heading to Regal near me, I would always choose the Grove. There is little bar I could never pass up in the farmers market at the grove. I always end up Subconsciously near a bar or liquor store, shopping next to a Bar… Cvs was my Liquor store.
Once you have a substance abuse disorder every drug will eventually become a disorder. I started with weed ( everybody laughs at me when i call it weed), than cocaine for about 2years, than the booze. The booze did not get heavy until i quite cocaine, I almost OD a few times and have 3 major neglected hospital bills because of it.. so after my third hospital visit I quit drugs. My drinking became heavy.. I remember the exact moment my mind shifted. I use to always hit up a popular gay bar in Palm springs; my home town. I needed the cocaine to have a good time but was so scared. The club was so boring. So I Decided to pounded a few Jack Daniels and that numb feeling came over me! yes! Its legal! The rest was history. The mistakes were endless. A Public intoxication arrest, totaled cars, Friendships and Relationships crumbling, Very bad nights, to alot of horrible flings, Restrainer orders, verbal attacks, passing out and waking up in weird places, endless amounts of vomit that painted cars, walls, and streets.
Alcohol is everywhere you go and legal! Every restaurant, Down Every Aisles, at Birthday parties, Even Chuck e cheese (first job BTW). I feel fine today but i know in time this infected mind will come back with a vengeance, it always finds a way. Substance abuse was a symptom of something very dark that lives inside my mind and heart….I have to rip it out but the only way to find it is staying Sober! Once i find it then i can grief to heal…. I do know i have been an addict since i was a child. I had all the tendencies and qualifications. Today i am grateful for this blog, you peeps out there who take the time to read this and for 2 days sober. I cant wait to become the amazing Adolfo that has always been inside me waiting to come out.
Stay connected with love, Adolfo