Hello Friends today is day 104 sober. It’s been a great but tiring day. Growing up I have always feared death and it’s something I struggle with accepting. Sometimes, at night I stay awake thinking I will experience death and it freaks me out. Last night that happen but a new feeling came over me, I am not sure if its just a fear I need to heal, but a feeling of “knowing” I will die young and maybe even soon. It really scared me. Growing up I always Thought I won’t live to see 21 but I did and I haven’t thought about it since last night. Everything about death freaks me out. From the moment I realize I am about to pass too the process it takes to pass than to the Unknown. Why talk about this now? Because we never know when its are time to go and there are stuff i want to do more of.
If I were to pass at this moment I would go out proud because I went out Sober and it wasn’t caused by the battle I face on a daily basis. I want to always let people know how much i love and miss them. I don’t care if it annoys the other person I just need to always say what’s in my heart at all times. I need to live in the moment more and not live in the “What ifs”? There might not be a “what if'” and living in the “what if’s”takes away from living in the moment. I have to accept the flow of the universe. I need to pray more, I don’t want to be judge but this blog is about total honesty and sometimes the busier life gets the first thing that seems to be pushed aside is my morning prayer and I cant let that happen. I want to love and be in love but I need to come to terms that I might pass alone and for me that’s my biggest fear. I want to go out holding someone hand, most of my life I’ve been alone without my parents, scared and I don’t want to be going out of life scared and alone. Scared fine but not Alone.
If I were to pass today I would be happy knowing that I am loved and that I was pursing my dreams. It might have taken awhile but I am here doing it. I get a bit emotional writing this but it helps me heal this fear. Writing for me is the only way I heal and I am very grateful for it. So tomorrow, if I wake all that i mention above, I will try and do more often. I will continue to grow, heal, stay sober, and love. Sober is the New Black
Side note: Joan Rivers inspired this blog post. I have always loved seeing her, she was so real, honest and a bit blunt like myself. When I was having a bad day or feeling a bit sad Joan always put a smile on my face. Her documentary is highly recommended “a piece of work”. I know she is laughing at all of us while we weep. This video below is Joan talking her daughter Melissa Rivers about when she passes very touching. Life is one big movie.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez