Day 16 sober and loving life. I am in Downtown LA at grand central market. It is such a beautiful day, people watching and enjoying a Macchiato. I am trying to start living in space were I do what I want and stop doing things I don’t want to do. Of course I have to clean my apartment and pay bills but I want to enjoy life in every moment and always be doing something I love doing, as long as its healthy and I stay sober.
I have not spoke out or talked to anyone really about March 5, that night was a huge learning lesson for me. It’s very uncomfortable for me to speak about it but its necessary for my healing and this will be last time I speak about it. Know need relive a moment that still is affecting Vince and myself. Here we go….
ACT ONE: The Incident
I left sober living on March 2 at that time I had already relapse in sober living and know one knew. I got my apartment keys on the 2nd and I was on my way to my rock bottom. I was in a really bad place. My mind was filled with thoughts like Vince and I are done forever. Every person I consider a friend was gone. My family wasn’t in LA so I had no one to cry to. All I had was my infected mind, booze and a very thin sleeping topper from a bed. At the time I did not realize I was in that place because all the choices I made. Going to back up a bit, A few days before I had gotten drunk at Beer Belly and franks n hanks my frequent local bars close to my old apartment. I still had the keys to my old apartment so I was wasted and didn’t want to drive to my new apartment so in the middle of the night I decided to crash at my old place without Vince permission. I just missed home and want my old life back in selfish way. So I open the door crash on the couch and Vince was pissed! So pissed he took my keys away and I am glad he did…. So back to march 4, I went to yard house with a friend. I was pre drinking before we went to yard house. At yard house I had around 70 ounces of IPA Green Flash beer. My friend had to leave and I stayed behind. I got a call for a new job offer that I was so excited about so I called Vince to let him know and of course I sounded drunk and so he called me out. When I get drunk I turn into someone else, I blackout. I say horrible things to people and get very mean. I had never hit anyone and never acted out my threats. So we argued and I don’t remember much, drunk texting. Finally I decided to drive to Vince. Not sure why? all I know is I wanted to be on that couch. I get to the apartment and banged on the door and he wouldn’t answer, don’t remember what I said but it lasted for a while. I did make a threat saying I would bash his windows in. I also tried to get in from the window in the alley. So he didn’t answer and my drunken infected mind decided to pull the fire alarm so he had to get out. So I did. Vince never came out so it made even more drunkenly stupid So for the first time in my alcoholism I acted on my threat and keyed Vincent car. I then left home.
ACT TWO: Repercussions
The next day I woke up with this extreme guilt and shame I had never felt before. I did not speak to anyone the next couple of days expect Vince and his mother. If I did not loose Vince before I sure did then. My horrible decision put me in front a judge and got me a 3-year restraining order. I paid for the car to get fix and I still did not get it at the time. I continued to drink afterwards. I was still extremely heart broken, my mind was still infected with those negative thoughts and booze was the only consistent thing in my life at the time. This was my first break up and I didn’t know how to endure pain and to grief in a healthy way added with an addiction. Break ups and addiction are really hard to come out of at the same time. I went Amanda Bynes, Lohan, Brittney melt down crazy fueled by addiction.
FINAL ACT: Lesson
Now that I am sober I can look back and find a lesson in it all, I couldn’t at the time but I know in my heart everything had to happen to get me here at this moment writing.
I had to meet Vince to get me to LA and call me out on my mental disorder and shine a spotlight on my issue, show me real love, show me what life can be like, and to fight my battle because at the time I couldn’t. Vince at the time saw something in me, something great that I couldn’t see at the time. Buried under all my pain he saw a bright light. So he did everything he could so that light can shine out but vince fought so hard, he couldn’t anymore. I had to get caught drinking again so Vince can kick me out so I can end up in sober living because that’s were I found an AA called primetime that planted a seed in my mind that made me realize it was a mental disorder and body disorder called ISM. I had to get to my own place to hit rock bottom and to make a mistake so big that the universe took everything away so I had to evolve. I Caused the universe to take everything away because I did not want to start doing my work and living my truth. My choices caused all this to happen. The reason why I was in that dark place is because I allowed my mental disorder to take over my mind.
I now realize, my amazing family and friends never left, they have always been there but I AM THE ONE WHO ALLOWED MY MENTAL DISORDER TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I pushed them away. I have always been surrounded by love but was mentally incapable and disabled to see it, understand it, feel it, appreciate love, Nurture my love Vince; I wasn’t able to fully connect with friends, family. But this had to happen so I can truly learn how too. As a young kid growing up I was never given the tools to deal with life. I am not perfect now and don’t want to be I do however want to be whole and a better me. I will work really hard to achieve it. I cant go back in time and I am sure I have put a bad taste in peoples mouth but right now at this moment I cant focus on those people I can only focus on myself healing, staying sober, letting go and building relationships with the ones who are in my life now.
Vince I see the light now and it is shining so bright it causes tears of joy. I want you to know if it wasn’t for you and your love I would have died. I can now experience the life I have always deserved. The lesson is Sober is my new black. Everything I have ever needed was already inside of me waiting for me to see it, feel it and let it flow through me into the universe. Thanks ELF!
“Somewhere beyond right and wrong there is a garden, Ill meet you there”
Stay connect with love, Adolfo