Hello today is day 40 Sober and it’s been an awesome day! Growing up not really having a stable foundation, all I really had was film and TV. TV has thought so me so much about myself. One person in particular has helped my in ways no other person has. Oprah Winfrey has inspired me throughout my life. I started watching the Oprah Winfrey show as a child into adulthood. Her words has open up my conscious and brought me connected me to my soul. Teaching me the essence of the Law Of attraction and how to connect with my higher power. She is like my ultimate teacher and mother like figure. Watching her show at a young age gave me hope; even hearing her own story is so inspiring. She introduce me to amazing life teachers like Maya Angelou, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Michael Bernard Beckwith and Iyanla Vanzant who all inspire me in different areas of my life. Infinite possibilities. Sober is the New Black!
I post a video below of her Inspiring video that I’ve watch countless times when I am feeling a bit down, hopefully it can helps others as well.
Hello friends today is day 40 Sober, in the past I have reach this point before I was in place of not fully accepting the fact that I am an addict. I would admit to some people but there is a huge difference between admitting and accepting. Admitting is just a word to me, I need to accept it with every cell in my body and believe I am an addict. Connect it to the role it plays in my life today, I think for me being an addict is ok. I want my Addiction to become a blessing so I can help others. I want to grow and learn with other addicts. My higher power probably knew I was strong enough to break the family disorder so it blessed me with it and maybe to help others. Addiction really has brought me closer to myself and today I feel really good, good enough to start finding a sponsor. I know it’s not an “I” program it’s a “WE” program. I never had a sponsor before and I know it’s a fear base and fear is something I am working through. Not the fear of the work its fear of the sponsor. My sobriety is the most important thing right now next to my higher power. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 23 and I seen some really dry and mean sponsors that scared me. With that said I believe that the universe will bring me whatever I need and sometimes what I think I need is not what best for me and what I don’t want might be exactly what I need so I need to overcome that fear and not let the Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) create a window even if it’s a small one for it to over take my mind.
What I’ve learned in the past 40 days is pain inevitable. Were human and not perfect nor meant to be. It’s how long we allow that window of suffering. Anger for me is easy to brush off but hurt for me goes a bit deeper. Some pain/hurt like a loved one passing is something I struggle with trying to understand. Is that pain/hurt supposed to go away? I know what creating a new normal is but you still carry that hurt with you. I am sure as life happens and I get older I might understand or maybe I am not meant to understand just let my higher power guide through those moments of grief.
Today I am so grateful for all the support. There has been a tremendous support from other Addicts that have warmed my heart and made me feel not so lonely. They have shared their stories, wisdom, and suggestions that have inspired me and brought me comfort. Their has also been people saying I inspire them and some people who have been sober for a long time say I have reminded them on what life use to be like in the early days of sobriety and that keeps them focus. Those things have brought me so much joy there is no words to explain it, it’s more of a feeling that flows through me. I am so grateful for you all and I have deep love for you all! Sober is the New Black!
Hello friends today is day 39 sober and it feels so great! Everyday I am feeling stronger and stronger. I never knew I had this kind of strength inside myself. Addiction is such a powerful disorder that hides in your mind so its hard to separate yourself from the Addiction but once you do you take away most of its power and you become so strong and self aware nothing can take it away. Fear is such powerful thing that has haunted me for the past 28 years; it was in stilled in me at a very young age by my parents. Before I new how to talk I knew fear. Fear, that was put inside me at a cellular level caused by the blood baths. There are 4 types of abuse physical, neglect, sexual, and physical. I experience all 4 all in different levels at different times. Starting around 3 years old into my early adulthood until I was able to fight back with my fist or run away. I will not get into my childhood quite yet but I will talk about the level of fear that crippled me and set up the foundation for Alcohol-ISM
My first fear was my parents than others came like the wind; if it were windy I would hide because I thought the wind would blow me away. When I was younger my fears were very simple like fear of wind, mountains, heights, even at a very young age I was fearful that nobody would accept me. I remember being in elementary school not having many friends because I would try so hard to be accepted I would be awkward. At a very young age I was also fearful of dying and getting sick. As I got into teen’s additional fears came about and they got more complex and I had a fear of choking so I did not eat for a couple years. I was forced and would not eat certain things. I would not chew gum; eat cheese, popcorn, etc. At the dinner table I would throw my dinner behind furniture when my parents would look away, put food into napkins than place it into my pockets than use the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. Of course my parent probably didn’t even notice or care. I probably needed therapy but was neglected from so much therapy was such a small thing in the whole picture. Fear of being evicted from are apartment caused from bouts of homelessness I experience at young age.
As I got older some of those young fears stayed and new ones entered like fear from my partner cheating, fear of trust. So at a young age I was thought, Fear, to Lie, steal, anger, distrust, Self hate, these are just some of the skill sets that created the my foundation. As I got older my fear turn into Anxiety, Intense insecurity, no skill sets, lack of ability to love others including myself etc. I found ALCOHOL to help with all the inner turmoil. It was a Band-Aid for a while it buried all that fear. So with Alcohol I was able to go out make friends, connect with others, feel free, laugh, love, dance, smile, listen to people, cry without others, have sex. That Band-Aid eventually broke and all that pain came out when I was drunk and it was not pretty what so ever. That invisible line was crossed and there was no turning back!
Acceptance, Forgiveness for others and self, living in a state of gratefulness, being kind to others, endurance, surrendering, learning how to love myself, crying, looking into people eyes and connecting with them all has help me, and connecting the dots from my childhood pain to how I treat people today and self. Has helped me in a tremendous way. Fear is in my core and roots so I am in the process of digging them out. The past 39 days have done wonders to my soul, I cry from joy and get chills from happiness, my mind is clear and my courage is at its peak! Ready to heal the 3-year boy who lived in terror for 28 years. Lets all be kind to one another and celebrate the beauty of diversity. Life is amazing to let are fears over take are mind and rob us from this amazing experience called life! Sober is the new black!
Leaving you with an amazing song from Eddie Vedder called rise up “Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold”
Hello friends, today is day 38 sober. I took a 3hr Mid-day nap and it felt so good! A well-rested and Sober mind is a great foundation for a writing session, also some tunes. I am sitting in a coffee shop in Downtown LA its such a beautiful city. A Million dreams come true here also there is a lot of pain in this city. I feel everybody moves to LA because they want something better for their life. People that I have met out here are all passionate and chasing the American Dream whatever that means to them. In Los Angeles there can be so much distraction that can hinder your talent and can blind you from that long-term goal. I need to focus, focus on my American Dream. My American Dream is very simple, A comfortable living, staying Sober, writing novels and creating film. Spending most of my time with my kids and partner. That’s what I strive for! Now that my long-term goal is set up I need to create short-term goals that can help me reach my long-term goal. Of course sobriety is number one. Second write, write, write, write, and write. Writing is muscle I have to workout on a daily basis so it can become strong. I can’t really afford to skip a day. I skipped so much already. I can’t let the fat build up around my muscle fat being hardships, fear, other opinions, and my own insecurity, My Alcohol-ISM. I want 99.9% of writing muscle and .01% of that other crap! I love writing dark family complex stories. It comes naturally. I am obsessed with foreign and independent film, it’s a vice I will never give up.
The lover and children would be a direct result from my positive thinking and creating. I can’t go looking for love I just have to be able to be open and see it when the universe brings it into existence. Even though I just out of a 3 year, I am a huge fan of love and such a hopeless romantic (as I sit in PJS in downtown LA) that’s ok I want someone to love me in PJS! I have always been a huge fan of French Cinema and that’s how I can explain the kind of love I love! You should check out French cinema it will blow your mind. My partner does not have to be French I enjoy all kinds of men. The connection is what I am attractive too, a great smile, a great laugh, who is a fan of art, and who is smart. I love learning and being taught also I would love someone who is evolving and growing also someone who has a bit of a past, gives them character! That’s how I feel at the moment; tomorrow I might want the complete opposite! And that’s ok. I am Hispanic so family really important. I do not need to reproduce my DNA; I am ok with loving a loveless child. I am not opposed to having my own. I would love a few kids. Give them a great childhood so I can destroy the family pattern and create a new way of thinking and traditions. I Never grew up with any traditions. The holidays would be amazing.
So that’s my American Dream. What’s so amazing is that its possible, does not matter where you are at today! Or the roads you have walked. Set up some short-term goals to get you there and work on them; do not let anything distract you including that voice that’s in your head! Not only knowing that but also understanding how that voice plays a current role in your life today once you do that then self-awareness begins than connecting that to your heart creates Freedom! And with freedom comes great possibility! Sober is the New Black!
Side note: I am so in love with California Dreamin by the Mamas & The Papas! I will be playing this record with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with are rose-colored glasses!
Hello friends today is day 38 sober and I am back to the grind from an amazing weekend. I am excited for my Three-day weekend coming up. A sober 4 of July!!! Some friends would like to BBQ, which sounds amazing, but another option is do a mini road trip. I’ve wanted to travel to an obscure town in CA, get a room and spend the weekend in an unknown town. The fourth of July is the perfect weekend to do so. I want to start shooting short films; I already have a few ideas in mind, I need to put them down on paper. I would also love to start shooting a documentarychronicling my struggle to stay sober from booze, past and ego. Sober is the New Black will be a great documentary but I would need to start saving for a 5d canon camera which is a few grand there is also a cheaper option which is the 7d canon. So I can take my mini trip or start saving for my camera? I probably can wait for the trip.
Film has always been a passion of mine and has saved me from a profoundly misfortunate childhood. As a child it was my escape from reality and still kind of is. So I try and watch a film a day. Yesterday I watch a film called August: Osage County it was remarkable film with such complex characters. The writing was phenomenal, it inspired me to continue to work on my nonfiction, and I am obsessed with complex characters. The cast was out of this world. Without giving too much away Meryl Streep plays Violet Weston she is a mom that’s an Addict. Her three daughters Barbara Weston played by Julia Roberts, Ivy Weston played by Julianne Nicholson, and Karen Weston played by Juliette Lewis c have to head back home for a not so good reason. Each character has conflict with each other and has to heal and evolve. A perfect film for date or date with yourself!
Today is day 38 sober and I am so grateful for every Second of sobriety. This journey so far has brought me closer to my true self and has fueled my passion that has been buried by Alcohol-ism. Sober is the New Black for me and its so sweet!
Hello friends today is day 37 sober and it has been an incredible weekend. My best friend, stepmother has left back home it was nice talking to her and spending a couple days laughing, eating and talking. My bother nick also came down he just graduated high school and is on his way to finding himself, he is very old fashion and has a great heart. They both have been very supportive in me getting sober. I have four other brothers 3 out of 5 brothers struggle with substance abuse I am one of them. So today as I was in the shower I was thinking about how prevalent addiction is in my family. Grandfather (addict) father (addict) myself and two brothers (addicts). That’s just part of the family tree. It’s something I have to keep in mind this family pattern/addiction needs to end with me so my kids and their kids wont have this horrible mental disorder in their life. I need to evolve, create a new life, and start new traditions so they wont suffer like I did. Change not just for me but also for the future Vasquez boys.
This is the first time I am all alone living life. I’ve always lived with family or a boyfriend. Its freeing and also its giving me the necessary time to find myself… Everyday I am sober things are becoming clearer especially my 3 year relationship. Nothing Vince did really bother me his Grouchiness, the way he liked things to be; he liked things to be setup his way. He never really wanted to do stuff I enjoyed doing like bowl, concerts, goodwill etc. He wasn’t open to letting the Relationship flow. He also never wanted to join me back home in Palm Springs. He did not want to meet any of my friends or meet any of my new family members. At times he was closed off, pushed me away, cold, not interested. In the beginning of the relationship he would always tell me he was unsure if we should be together (There’s a point to all this, not trying to bash Vince at all) He would also ignore me a few days each month and Then after the 3 days he would say sorry but it would happen again a month later, He would tell me it was an issue within himself which is fair we all have issues. I would call it his monthly period. With all that I did not care. I focus on the amazing stuff. When you are in relationship you have to let the other person evolve and change into the person they will become and let them learn from Lessons of life on their own (I HATE THE WORD MISTAKES BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING). My love was pure and strong because I saw past that dislikes and saw the likes. I saw his heart, his smile, loved his laugh.
It’s clear to me now that he would have left me sober or drunk. He just was not happy with are relationship. Maybe he was also unhappy with himself. His idea of what he wanted in a partner wasn’t me. We both wanted different things and enjoyed different things in life. My Addiction just made it easier so we can part. No one else lived in the apartment expect Vince and I. The main difference is I would have met him halfway but he wasn’t ever willing to but that’s ok or maybe he did with certain things this is just me writing how I feel at the moment. I hope he finds a better fit and I hope I find a better fit. We are only on earth for a short period of time. No matter what, Vince has been a huge part of my life and he might not be in my life physically but he will always be in my heart like an imprint and the lessons he thought me will guided me into a new sober life. Sober is the New Black. True love will find us in the End we just have to be open to it and not let the past confuse us! Leaving you guys with a song that was playing in the Koreatown coffee shop. Its kind of perfect for this post! Beck true love will find you in the end
Hello Friends today is 36 day sober and I can’t think of a better way to spend my day then hanging out with my stepmother and brother! It’s been an amazing weekend so far. Just got back in from the Farmers Market at the Grove. My stepmother loves the grove; every time she comes to Los Angeles it’s a must! I have a lot of amazing memories from the grove also I have a lot drunken memories. There is a bar at the farmers market that I used frequent before a movie, waiting for my EX to finish his shoot. I used to love the Grove Theaters because they would never check my bag or I called it a mini bar. Today I walked past my old memories and it did not affect me at all! No cravings or even sadness for the old life I lived. I am in love with this knew one! After the Grove we did a hike at Griffith Park that was amazing! The view from the top was worth the hard work! I use to hike with the Ex but once again I walked passed the old memories not missing them enjoying this new life; a bit freeing! Finding myself everyday in every moment. I never been in LA single, on my own so it is pretty exciting and yeah its gets lonely but the beautiful thing is the loneliness pass’s and it teaches us how to appreciate the moments with others and it teaches us how to be alone with just are heart and mind. Heading out for a late dinner! food coma again! Grateful for life and family!
Hello Friends today is 35 days sober! The last couple of days have been really great; I have not had any sad moments. I’ve been meeting new people and hanging out so the loneliness part has been fading. It’s a day-to-day process but at this moment I am feeling great. Today my family comes out to visit me! I am so excited to see my best friend! My stepmother has been a rock in my life also giving me great advice to help me get through the past few months. The end of last year and the beginning of this year was the hardest time of my life so far! A break up and getting sober at the same time was very difficult but sometimes to evolve into greatness you might have to endure great pain!
When I was in my early 20’s I had someone read me with tarot cards and at the point I had already had a lot of pain from my childhood. What the person said as he read me was I had a really dark past like unbearable! That was accurate. He also said that a lady with dark hair (stepmother) has and will continue to be a huge angel in my life and that was true! The last thing he said was a lot more pain will come, I didn’t understand because I already had a lot of pain in my childhood and I couldn’t imagine what pain can be worst but it turnout he was right. He said it would only last into my late 20’s so what I believe is all that pain from the past was supposed to happen so I can use it for greatness in my later years.
The reason I went to see the tarot card reader in the first place because I wanted to know if I would die young and if it will be from illness, he said no!When I was a kid I lived in fear and it crossed over into my adulthood. Since then I have never been to a reading again, but this one time at gay bar in Palm Springs some drag queen grabbed my face and looked into my eyes and started to read me and I got spooked so I disconnect from her eyes so she stopped, I guess the only way she could read someone was to look into their eyes. She was spot on about everything. So from my experience I believe that there are certain people that are born with talents that are connected with the spirit life or maybe they use more of the brain than the majority of us use. I don’t know just from what I have experience. Both of them did not charge one cent, they were both spur of the moments and free!
Today is day 35 sober and I am so grateful to be alive and sober! Greatness is on the horizon; I can feel it in my bones.
Hello friends day 34 sober, just got in from a night out with some friends! I had such a fun time and I was sober. In the past when i quit drinking I would dread going out because i wasn’t able to drink. I thought it was impossible to have a great time sober! I would be suffering inside well everybody drinks. I was still in the mindset of wanting to quit drinking and still wanting to live my normal life, I didn’t realize that every aspect of my old life had to change and I had to make a new normal! A better normal! I wanted to still hangout in bars with friends that were not healthy for me. I want to still surround myself with things that made me want to drink. It was that mental disorder that kept me in that routine because it wanted its fix! but now I am aware of the mental disorder call Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) so now i can catch it when it feeds my mind lies and stories.
So Tonight we ended up at a place called BEER BELLY which is a beer bar but this time around there was now craving of any sort, My craving now is for life and my long term goal! Beer belly has the best blue cheese & BuffaloWings, Duck Fries and Garlic Mac & Cheese! Its specality bar food! So i know now thats its possible to have an amazing time out on the town sober! life is amazing! I am so grateful for all the love and support!
Hello Friends today is day 34 sober and so far it’s been an amazing day. So I started my list of childhood traumas but it ended up being a more like a bio. I did not realize how much feelings would resurface. I got this extreme hurt and anger so I had to stop for the day, going to push through and continue later on. My goal in writing down my childhood is not trying to understand my parents or rationalize my parents behavior, my purpose is to go back and try to comfort that 3year old and to let him know its ok to let go and to move on. I am not trying to see my childhood from the perspective of my parents or brothers. I am just writing down how I felt at that moment and what I Experience. It might be a hard read for people and especially for my family but I need to be broken open to let it all out than to heal. After I am done I will meditate to find healing and peace. I know there is no rush but I’ve been with this hurt and anger for the past 28 years and I do not want to wasted any more time with it! I lived my whole childhood in fear with good reason but there is no need for me to live in fear now. I will post it when its finish.
This weekend is going to be an amazing one. My stepmother who also happens to be my best friend is coming out with my brother. We always have a blast and she is the person that knows everything about me and I can confide in. Food, Shopping and great conversations is what we have planned. We even got matching tattoos. There have been a few people in my life that’s been with me on my journey the whole time, my stepmother is one of them we are close in age and we have some much in common from music to the way we think, and are humor. I eventually would love to have the same relationship with my real father and mother but ok if it doesn’t happen. After all I’ve been through I still have deep love for them.
So tonight will be a rare social night for me. Some friends and I will be renting a room for karaoke. I used to hate karaoke because it would be at a bar in front of a bunch of people. In Koreatown you can rent rooms with some friends and sing your heart out. It’s more personal and intimate. Today I am grateful for 34 days of clear mindedness and the courage to change. I know it gets easier all I have to do is not drink.
Sober Is The New Black 