Hello friends today is day 39 sober and it feels so great! Everyday I am feeling stronger and stronger. I never knew I had this kind of strength inside myself. Addiction is such a powerful disorder that hides in your mind so its hard to separate yourself from the Addiction but once you do you take away most of its power and you become so strong and self aware nothing can take it away. Fear is such powerful thing that has haunted me for the past 28 years; it was in stilled in me at a very young age by my parents. Before I new how to talk I knew fear. Fear, that was put inside me at a cellular level caused by the blood baths. There are 4 types of abuse physical, neglect, sexual, and physical. I experience all 4 all in different levels at different times. Starting around 3 years old into my early adulthood until I was able to fight back with my fist or run away. I will not get into my childhood quite yet but I will talk about the level of fear that crippled me and set up the foundation for Alcohol-ISM
My first fear was my parents than others came like the wind; if it were windy I would hide because I thought the wind would blow me away. When I was younger my fears were very simple like fear of wind, mountains, heights, even at a very young age I was fearful that nobody would accept me. I remember being in elementary school not having many friends because I would try so hard to be accepted I would be awkward. At a very young age I was also fearful of dying and getting sick. As I got into teen’s additional fears came about and they got more complex and I had a fear of choking so I did not eat for a couple years. I was forced and would not eat certain things. I would not chew gum; eat cheese, popcorn, etc. At the dinner table I would throw my dinner behind furniture when my parents would look away, put food into napkins than place it into my pockets than use the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. Of course my parent probably didn’t even notice or care. I probably needed therapy but was neglected from so much therapy was such a small thing in the whole picture. Fear of being evicted from are apartment caused from bouts of homelessness I experience at young age.
As I got older some of those young fears stayed and new ones entered like fear from my partner cheating, fear of trust. So at a young age I was thought, Fear, to Lie, steal, anger, distrust, Self hate, these are just some of the skill sets that created the my foundation. As I got older my fear turn into Anxiety, Intense insecurity, no skill sets, lack of ability to love others including myself etc. I found ALCOHOL to help with all the inner turmoil. It was a Band-Aid for a while it buried all that fear. So with Alcohol I was able to go out make friends, connect with others, feel free, laugh, love, dance, smile, listen to people, cry without others, have sex. That Band-Aid eventually broke and all that pain came out when I was drunk and it was not pretty what so ever. That invisible line was crossed and there was no turning back!
Acceptance, Forgiveness for others and self, living in a state of gratefulness, being kind to others, endurance, surrendering, learning how to love myself, crying, looking into people eyes and connecting with them all has help me, and connecting the dots from my childhood pain to how I treat people today and self. Has helped me in a tremendous way. Fear is in my core and roots so I am in the process of digging them out. The past 39 days have done wonders to my soul, I cry from joy and get chills from happiness, my mind is clear and my courage is at its peak! Ready to heal the 3-year boy who lived in terror for 28 years. Lets all be kind to one another and celebrate the beauty of diversity. Life is amazing to let are fears over take are mind and rob us from this amazing experience called life! Sober is the new black!
Leaving you with an amazing song from Eddie Vedder called rise up “Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold”
Stay connect with love, Adolfo
Hello friends today is day 39 Sober and I am feeling great! I am realizing I need to start working out. I am losing weight because I cut out the booze but my energy level is very low. I know working out releases endorphins: which is really helpful for Addicts. I have a free gym member ship so there are no excuses! I need some balance in my life all I do is write, eat, sleep and watch films but that’s better than my old self. The old self would drink, drink, write a bit, drink, pass out, and work. I just need to add a few things like working out, creating more of a social life, attending some AA meetings not just online, and start taking some classes. I need to keep my brain active. Its only 39 days sober and I have already done more in the 39 days then I have in the past few years so I have to pat myself on my back!
I have only had a Couple of cravings for booze but Alcohol-ISM is a living disorder that centers in the mind so you have to watch it because it comes out in others ways like depression, turns into another addiction, Sexual behavior, anxiety and I am sure there are more. All have to do with your mind so you have to be the watcher of the mind. So that’s what I’ve been doing becoming self-aware and when watching the mind you can start to find the core issues so you can heal them. A week ago I started to put my childhood on paper but within an hour I had to stop my emotions went a bit crazy, I felt extreme anger and sadness so after I stop writing I made a phone to a sponsor like who helped talk me through. I have yet to go back to that place but I know it’s a necessary for my healing. Later on today I head back to that place. I am grateful for having a clear mind to do so. I also need to find time to clean my apartment and do laundry like a normal person but writing is so much more fulfilling! lol.
Today I am grateful for life and for all the support I have received from Sober is the New Black!
Stay connect with love, Adolfo