DAY 68 Sober: Knowing my Triggers

Hello friends, today is day 68 sober. I woke up happy as can be. I feel such a relief from yesterday post about my childhood. It was freeing and letting the words fall out from inside me out into the universe. Those words have been suffocating me for years. I am currently sitting on in a café in Koreatown listening to Amanda Palmer Ampersand. Music is such a powerful healing tool, it opens up my heart so I can cry those healing tears and some music fills my soul the strength for the day. Lately I’ve been swimming in music. Koreatown in Los Angeles is my favorite place to live. I currently live close to downtown LA but want to move back to this area. I have the next two days off so film; writing and sleep are on agenda. I opened the email sent from the Editor, it had feedback on my “untitled book”. It all made sense but I haven’t had time to finish all the corrections. My goal is to finish it these two days, so Coffee and more coffee will be my companion. Lately I’ve been feeling creative in my bed with the lights off like a love affair with my lab top. I tend sleep next to my MAC, It goes everywhere with me.

 

I need to be aware of my triggers when it comes to my Addiction that is called Alcoholism. I need to go back and see what went wrong the last time I got sober, what was the triggers that brought me back to using. First, I did not have a program to help me over come the body disorder the craving part. Second I did not have a program to help me with the mental part of the disorder. I didn’t have the right mental tools.  My triggers were boredom, when I was bored I drank. Also loneliness was a trigger. When I  felt alone I drank. Now I am alone now and I don’t have cravings at all, instead I crave life, being kind, helping others when I can, writing, and film. I am never am bored, I don’t let myself, and I always have my day plan out so I can stay busy. I use to just wonder through life without long term goals always focusing on instant gratification never trying to work towards long-term gratification that is more rewarding. I was lazy and content with not putting work into myself. Now I try to limit my instant gratification, before if I wanted something I got it without looking at my checkbook. I do allow healthy mind, body and soul instant gratifications but a limit. Now I say no to myself most of the time because I need to save for my long-term goals or gratifications. I won’t let boredom inn. The number one reason for me relapsing was letting the mental disorder convince me that I am not an addict. I am now in control of my thoughts so my mental disorder has no power over my self awareness and higher power and I fully surrender to my higher power that I understand it to be.

 

I also allow myself to feel sad emotions. I don’t hold it in, letting it out in my tears. I also try and live in the moment all the time, not letting my mind control my life anymore and let my soul lead. Thoughts and mind are amazing if I use it for positively to help me but when I use it to be self -abusive like comparing myself to others and jealous brings me closer to my Addiction. Sober is the New Black.

I am grateful for life, for falling in love with myself and for my higher power.

 

The greatest love of all Whitney Houston is prefect. The greatest love of all is within me.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 30 Sober: Film and an Oscar

Hello Friends today has been such an amazing 30 DAY sober! I have so much love and support around me! I am so grateful! Sober is the new black for me. Today I filled my day with Film and writing both things I love so much. I also bought myself a gift to keep my eyes on the prize of sobriety. I bought a Best Actor Oscar because I believe in my heart one day ill have one. I am going to put it on my shelf  so every time I leave my house I see my long term goal. For my 3o days I get an oscar!!!!

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

My first Oscar!

My first Oscar!

DAY 19 Sober: A Drunken Encounter

Hello friend’s day 19 sober. My body is feeling good and I woke up with a clear mind.  I need to start going to bed early or switch my schedule, last night I fell asleep at 1am and woke up a bit after 4am only a few hours asleep is not going to work. I love being up at all times but need to sleep.  

 

So yesterday I was working on Sober is The New Black at a cafe that I absolute love, the vibe and energy is perfect. The cafe is located in between my two old bars that I would frequent on a daily basis. I usually sit inside but yesterday I decided to move outdoors. It was a beautiful day in LA. So as I am writing this car pulls up in front of the shop, A man gets off the car and I recognize him from the bar, I can tell he was already intoxicated and when he exit the car he started to take a few hits from a pipe (weed). He notices me and I said “hello”. He asked me why he hasn’t seen me at the bar. With out hesitation I told him I had quit and I am now sober. He had a puzzled look on his face. 

 

A little bit of a back-story; he is also a fellow writer and an English teacher. The first time we met we talked for hours. He gave me a notebook with a bunch of his writings and told me to take it home and read it. He also wanted me to write something down on a napkin so he can read something I wrote. I was drunk at the time but I did. I believe he wanted to see how good I was; At the time I was in a place of not wanting to share my writings. I don’t remember what he said about my writings, I am sure it was not good; After all he is an English teacher and is going for his masters! 

 

So back to yesterday, after I told him I was sober and he gave me puzzled look. I told him I started a blog and then he told me to read it for him, already I felt my body tense and knew he was ready to be an asshole again so I told him he would like to read it I can give him a link to my website. I was also in the middle of my online AA.  He drunkenly persisted and I know how drunks are because I was one so I invited him to the table. He started to read an older post out loud and the booze smell just filled my space. When he was finish he looked at me and said I just got my masters in two years. I congratulate him, which is pretty awesome. He then said my grammar is atrocious, my writing lack originality, and its pretty bland. He ask me if he can write a post for me so he can spicy things up. I told him no the blog is my personal journey and its really not about being perfect or right but being honest and truthful. He drunkenly kept on. He then clicked on my other web browser, which opened my AA video, he then said “isn’t AA suppose to be Anonymous it defeats the purpose”. At that I point I felt my blood start to boil but I explain to him everybody joinery is different and I am ok speaking about it.

He eventually walked off to my old bar. Writing for me is very personal and so is this blog and being sober. I should have not let him in my space but lesson learn and the wheels keep turning. After he left those anger feelings left quickly. I realized that I was once that way to a lot of people maybe not in the same context but those feelings I had inside me I probably caused in others. He was just some stranger, the majority of the pain I caused were to love ones that probably hurt even more. I am so grateful that I am in a joyful place because that encounter would have stayed with me for a longtime if I was in my old mindset but in my new mindset no one has the power to take away my joy. I also wish him the best and hope he finds peace, also I hope he is successful in his writing career. So happy to have 19 days sober and counting!

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 8 Sober: Sober Saturdays

 Hello World, Today is Day 8 Sober and i am feeling so good. I got 8 hrs of sleep with no Friday hangover! Its pretty awesome to know i wont ever experience a hangover.  I am at Iota cafe, Such an awesome atmosphere. Today will be a first in a very long time.  A sober saturday sounded like a hell in the past now it seems like a blast to know exactly how its going to end.  In the past with my Alcoholism it would always end ugly. Or regretful. Its  good to know i am in control of my saturday nights from mow on. Why are saturdays such a self abusive night for youth.  Alcohol is such a powerful drug that has killed millions directly and in directly and yet still legal but end the its the youths mind that makes those choices.  I am currently seating next to a couple who is about to order a craft beer. Craft beer  was my favorite especially IPA’s. I am sipping on a carmel latte. I can spell the hops from here but i am staying focus and not even a visual or smell can take away my Happiness and focus.  

 

Not sure whats on the agenda for tonight maybe some bored games, food, karaoke,  I do love to dance. I am so in love with Ktown! Ill be with some awesome and supportive  peeps. Its important to have that in your life but if you don’t thats ok because in the end of the day the only person that keeps you sober is yourself.  I am starting to get back that passion again for things i wanted to do when i got older. I feel like my disorder stunted my growth so i am still that high school kid trying to figure out whats next. Well i have an amazing passion for film and writing. As a kid film took me away from the chaos that surround my childhood, For 2 hrs i would not be worrying about my next meal, or if i am going to get beat. I would live vicariously through the actors on screen and act out scenes, i would even practice my oscar speech over and over again. As i got older my taste and film has gotten a bit snobby i must admit but nonetheless the passion still there to Act, Write and create.

 

I have been in few things and I have started writing an amazing story but i am bias of course.  Sia on pandora is pretty amazing at the moment. I will be filling you guys in on my first saturday sober in a video blog. I am so grateful for life and for the love that surrounds me thats shine through me. Staying sober and watching the disorder that centers in my mind will take work but I am one million times ready to take it on and eventually the disorder will loose so much power it would be more life a bird chirp than a train horn.  Thank you all for reading this and for being so supportive! 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo