18 Months Sober: Finding True Self

Hello Friends today is 18 months sober, some time has past since my last blog post. In that time a lot of changes, growth, vacations and challenges have surfaced in my life, some amazing and some fearful. One thing remained the same. The want to stay clean and sober. Sobriety is the foundation to grow endless possibility. On November 11 2015 I turned thirty. I celebrated with family and loved ones. My twenties were filled with many beautiful lessons I will take into my thirty’s. In my thirties I will work towards a more balanced lifestyle in all aspect of my life, taking actions in facing my fears, working towards whatever my head can dream. Taking what I’ve learned in my twenties applying them in my thirties. I never thought I would make it to my thirties, but I now know its because of the higher power or ultimate creator, I will no longer take for granted this beautiful gift called life. Looking out the window knowing God created air for our lungs and our five senses to experience the beauty in life.

 

Everyday we experience something we will never experience again, you just have search and be open. Today I was driving and looked out a bumble in a window and at that moment a light shine through creating a beautiful pattern of colors, the minute I drove off it went away. Life is beautiful and moves quickly, slowing down allows our eyes to see the beauty in everything. Be inspired by the light shining in a cracked window to the dust floating in the light. 

 

One of my fears growing up has been a fear of flying so for my thirtieth Birthday I wanted to overcome this fear. For the first time I took my first plane ride. It felt incredible pushing past my fear. I even looked out the window as we landed bringing me to tears. The city lights glowing like a million stars in a galaxy.

 

 A while back I started finding the things I identify myself with. The “My’s” of life. When I say, “This is my home”, who is the one saying my home? That is “I” or the soul. The “my” and “I” should always be separated like two parallel lines that should never become one. They can work together throughout life but separating these two helps me find true self.

 

So I made a list of all the “my” in life.

 

My home and all the things in my home, my friends, and my family are all on the “My’” line. I can no longer identified myself with the “MY” of life. I am not my home or the stuff that surrounds me everyday. So I started to dive deeper in separating the “my” and the “I”. My past, my addiction, my situations, my current circumstances, and my experience’s are not “I”. They are here to teach me who “I” is but they don’t define me.

 

I don’t say I am past, I am ego, I am experience I say my past, my ego, my experience. The “I” is a soul having a human experience with the “MY”.

 

True Self is the ‘I” and is precisely what I am. Whatever remains after the separation of the “MY” is true Self. ‘I’ is the Real me. I am totally separate from everything that is mine. If I lost my home, a family member or friend, the “I” or true self remains whole.

 I am put on this earth to find true self and experience life with the human body. Striping myself from the “My” and “false self” becoming one with the “I” and soul.

 

Diving deeper, am I my emotions or feelings? I am not my emotions or feelings. Emotions are a beautiful thing that the body brings the soul to experience this thing called life but the soul or “I” controls the emotions and embrace’s them for exactly what they are.  Emotions are passing and will go away and the “I” or the soul is still left.

The I and soul are born pure and innocent, my natural state is joy and happiness

In my early stages of sobriety when I started striping away my false self. A fear of society came over me but I had to accept myself whole. What I like about myself, what I disliked about myself, everything in between. I had to be my own greatest fan and best friend. I also had to accept others for who they are without my own expectations or ego. My Relationships have improved with loved ones, friends and family. People who I lost due to my past addiction are coming back into my life. I no longer focus energy on what others think of me and focus my energy where it really counts: achieving my own personal growth and achieving dreams.

I am also becoming aware of my strengths and weakness. Building on my strengths, recognize my weakness and building that gap between the two. I believe connecting with my feelings and writing is strength but grammar can be a weakness so I work extra hours, or will eventually take creative writing class or hire an editor. Being aware of my weakness is a great gift to myself.

 

 I wore labels on my skin my whole life. I thought I was the label like an abused child, a drug addict and alcoholic, or my political stance, a writer, a friend. If I took away any of those labels do I become any less? No I don’t. If I lose my fingers and can no longer write. I am still whole inside. The “I” is still intact. I was in 3-year relationship that consumed my whole being. When we split up, I felt lost because I allowed my identity to become defined by “My” relationship. Those labels aren’t who I am. If I was a husband and got a divorced, I am no longer qualified as a husband and if I defined myself on that one label I would be lost when it gets taken away. The more labels I put on myself the more I bury my true self.

 

I use to thrive on the labels, a collection of pain. While in sobriety I came to find I am greater than any label. The labels and the “my” were ingrained in me by my past and parents. My mother is a catholic and so I grew up thinking I was going to be a catholic but as I got older I did not connect with those beliefs. Our parents have a huge part in burying our true self from what we are taught at an early age.

 

Letting go of the Ego is hard but is done in small sections like the tree in my stepmother yard. We can’t just lift it out of the ground and throw it away but instead we’ve been cutting off pieces at a time. The same approach is with letting go of the false beliefs that make up my ego. Detaching myself from individual thoughts that reinforce my ego. Letting go of beliefs, separating True self from false identity. I have spent years building my ego living inside my mind, and reinforcing it through my thoughts, feelings and actions. It will take a while to learn just like any subject in school or riding a bike for the first time.

 Important things to learn or worth doing takes time and practice.

I work six months out the year and have six months off, the work season has slowed down, so I can spend more time writing, blogging and working on the second draft of my book. I have some vacations in the works going back to my hometown of Palm Springs ca. Hope you all have a great Sober Thanksgivng. Sober is the new Black

crowns

 

darkness

 

each day

 

feel

 

GOLDPOEM

 

ODAAT

 

peace

 

sync

 

 

healing

 

 

SIA music is poetry that comes alive, bringing me inspiration. Bird Set Free is incredible.

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500 Days of sober: Alcohol is a Drug

Hello Friends today is 500 days of sober. This past month has been amazing, the longer I am sober the clearer life gets in making right decision even small decisions. I am finding my true self more and more everyday. Things I enjoy doing and things I don’t enjoy doing are being easy to spot. Having an addiction to Alcohol is different than any other substance because it’s legal; it’s at every dinner table, on signs and billboards. I cannot hide from alcohol, I just have to see past the alcohol. It’s at every family event. It is deemed acceptable from society. Alcohol is publicized in film, TV, music, artistry, and celebrities as something cool, fun and freeing without repercussions.

 

Young kids see this and the want starts. Kids hear, “I need a drink” after a hard day of work. “Lets celebrate with alcohol” or today was a shitty day so “lets party”.  Escaping through substance instead of finding a healthy positive way to spend their time. I started drinking at fifteen but it turned into a disorder in my twenties. There are many outlets that can help escape from the moment like creating art, writing or reading a book. Trying to master a hobby or skill. Putting all the dark feelings or pain inside us, into an art, turning them into gold. Find happiness in partying sober. Society needs to stop pushing the substance abuse agenda through the media. Alcohol is not fun or cool or freeing. It’s caging the youth from reaching their full potential, their talent, and their strength to deal with life adversity. Alcohol kills millions of people a year.

 

When I first got sober, I did not have balance in my life because I was focused and obsessed with my recovery program. Excluding everything else, stuff vanished because of my addiction like friends, my last relationship, and my drinking. Freeing up most of my time so all I did was work my program. I guess, early recovery isn’t so much about balance as much as it is maintaining sobriety. Now Balance is the most important action in my life. Balance is something I had to learn, when I was an active if I liked something whether in food or in shoes or drinking, I did it until I was sick or broke. Chasing outside happiness to fill the deep emptiness inside. Keeping balance in every aspect of my life, like work, writing, working out, healing, prayer and meditation. If I feel like I am getting burnt out than I change it up.

 

Balanced lifestyle helps  lessen obsession, which will lead to unhappiness as it did with my obsession with alcohol. Striving for balance gives my life mixture keeping life interesting. Balance helps protect me from relapse. The ability to respond with strength to instant gratifications. Doing different stuff keeps me open to new concepts, so I’m always learning.

Reducing my everyday stress by building up my body and mind in some down time or a power nap. Creating discipline is something I’m currently working on at the moment, I have to learn how to walk out of a store with one pair of shoes and not six pairs.

Pushing myself for personal growth can become an obsession as well so I have to take it easy some days and enjoy this new person that is here now in this moment. Slowing myself down helps keep my life in perspective. It’s not all about personal growth and achievement, all the time. Slowing down will allow me to reflect and enjoy the progress I have made.

 

Discipline is the foundation for a balanced Life.  Taking inventory on what needs to be worked on is something that needs to be done often or even daily. Maintaining awareness about myself takes discipline. Not everything I’m trying to achieve in personal growth is going to be fun. Some will be painful and cause tears.  There will  be some scary stuff on the path to personal growth. Pushing past fears like facing my parents help creates discipline.

Getting positive results from forgiving my parents is a sign of personal growth. Pushing myself to make small goals and achieve them in different areas of my life like eating better, going on a daily walk, or becoming more skilled in a talent. I am building the discipline that is necessary to work towards long-term growth in recovery, life and in dreams. The pursuit of a balanced lifestyle will help me grow in many new directions. Seeking balance in life and working towards all around growth will maintain success in my recovery as I evolve in different paths of my life.

 

Quitting an addiction is a source of strength and motivation for other areas of my life. The first months of recovery I thought things like “My liver will be better”, “I’m going be so much healthier”. That turned out to be an understatement.

 

Now my thoughts are “I am powerful beyond anything” I realized, I could set goals and achieve them. If I can over come addiction, imagine what else can be accomplish, if I take what I do in my program and use it in a talent or skill. I can use that powerful focus to accomplish nearly any goal that I choose. Getting sober awakened a fire within me. It gave me the positive inspiration that I needed to tackle some monumental challenges like writing my first novel that will be out in 2016. Sober is the New Black.

 

 

birth

 

gray skies

 

uncondtional love

 

 

a suffering addict

 

 

 

pieces

 

 

pursuit

 

 

 

 

 

Stay Connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

Sia new song called Alive is a such an inspirational song.

DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 221 Sober: Life Changing year in Review

Hello Friends, Today is day 221 sober. Hope you all are having a wonderful new years eve. The last day of 2014, No cravings for that old and wasted nightlife. This past year has been a life-changing year. The year started out in a very dark place, losing love and friends, in and out of sober facility’s, courts rooms, body feeling long-term abuse of alcoholism, no purpose or direction. To now sitting in a café, writing sober with a book in the works. Sober is the New Black started out as me documenting my day-to-day struggles, I would have never thought it would evolve to being seen in over 88 countries. Beyond grateful for all the readers that have inspired my heart. I feel so much love it’s indescribable.  Now all I want to do is help others who may be struggling or know someone who is struggling.  I found a new love for poetry. I’m able to reflect back on my growth.

As I write, I am in tears because I know how hard this year has been but also the most rewarding. I am madly in love with sobriety. Feeling human again, dreaming dreams like I did as a child. Feeling happy, joy and peace but also sad at times but that means I am alive and for that I am so grateful.

When, I was using I did have lots of love around me but the disorder blinded me. I can now see love, but also I feel it inside for others but more importantly for myself. It’s in every cell of my body. No matter how dark my surroundings are light will shine through. It is possible to go from Rock bottom to living dreams in one year. Anything is possible once you start clearing your mind and body from the substance and start listening inwards and healing. Watching the mind disorder in the form of thoughts and eventually it will be so quiet, it’s almost non-existent. Sober is the new black. I don’t usually make new years resolution, not in my DNA, but I will say this coming year will consist of my staying sober and healing. Working on long-term goals.

Who knows Sober is the New Black might end up on the silver screen? Wink-wink. I will continue writing poetry, Finding myself and living my truth. See you next year!

 

Here are some of my last poems of 2014

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This year hands down SIA Album 1000 fears forms of fear has inspired my life. Sia Chandelier is about Addiction.

 

Here are some of the lyrics.

But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink

Throw ’em back ’til I lose count.

 

The video is a bit haunting. I see it as a younger self that hasn’t healed or A younger SIA that has been through a hard childhood dealing with Alcohol to cope. Sober is the New Black.

 

 

stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

200 Days of Sober

Hello Friends, today 200 days sober! I’ve been sick but mustard up some strength to write. This has been the longest I’ve been sober in so long, I relapsed a bunch of times but it’s never too late to start over. So many lessons in my relapses I take with me into this newly sober life. I feel peace that was once unheard of in my sobriety time. The longer that I am sober, my days pass without me even really thinking about being sober. Life seems to be flowing and I am just riding along. In some ways I am finding new parts of me that I never knew existed, life seems very normal. It feels great knowing the new normal eventually turns into a normal. I have been around booze and it doesn’t change the way I feel or makes me question my sober shine.

I’ve notice when meeting people for the first time and they ask me what I do, I don’t mind telling them about my blog or the book that is currently being written. Sobriety works for me and I don’t expect others to fill the same. It seems people are very nice others I can feel a bit of  hesitation. The word addict can scare a person, but it’s understandable, the symptoms of the mental disorder can cause harm to myself and to others if I’m using. Some people are unaware because they don’t know addicts or do know addicts and have been wounded by them and think I choose to be an addict. I used to care what others thought, in the beginning of sobriety I question if I should let a person know about sober is the new black? Or wait until they actually got to know me but the reality is, sobriety is number one the rest follows and I can’t be with someone or have friends that don’t understand that. I need people to see past my disorder and see my heart. A person who is unaware of the mental disorder might also think a person in recovery is not fun to hang out with or is a downer. Just to clarify it is quite the opposite. In my case I am laughing all the time, wanting to dance, a better friend and outgoing, very open to trying new things. When I was using I was secluded, non-social, not wanting to do anything, in dive bars, passing out early and getting drunk early, emotional, angry, would get offend by everybody and everything. I was no fun to be around.

 

Now that I am sober, know one can make me feel any less than what I feel for myself. I am very content with the friends I have in my life at the moment, I am now building on those relationship, instead of looking for validation in others who I just met or lost due to my addiction. Next week I’ll be in Palm Springs CA for a few weeks, so  pools, dancing, and great writing sessions is what’s in store for me. Catching up with my family and loved ones. Going to see my mom and dad for some healing moments. My parents also suffered from addiction and so my childhood wasn’t the best and it molded my mind and eyes and affected the way I saw the world and myself in a negative way. I was an addict before I took my first substance, I had addiction tendencies and very self-abusive. I just need to get better before I head home, this fever and sore throat isn’t fun! I’ve been taking vitamins and getting as much sleep as I can. I have not written a poem in a while but feel content because I need to be 100 percent so I can create poetry.

DAY 91 SOBER POEM

 

Sober is the New Black

 

A lot of Sia music seems to be about addiction not sure if she struggled with it herself, but it helps me in times of need. Burn the pages off Sia new album is such a powerful song and I hope it inspires others to take out all the negative thoughts, feelings and past put them in a book and burn it and rise from the ashes, Rebirth.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 59 Sober: The Man in the Arena

Hello friends, today is day 59 sober, Lately I have had some people not really understand this blog which is ok, I can’t expect everyone to like or understand Sober is the New Black. Everybody is entitled to there opinion, its a beautiful thing. There is a difference between healthy opinion and just cruel. My emotions did get the best of me a few weeks ago but only lasted a few moments and a few tears shed. They are usually from people in recovery. Someone who regularly reads this blog brought me this amazing piece of paper with a speech from Theodore Roosevelt called The Man in The Arena. I have it on my wall so I can remind myself  that there is a bigger picture here that people might not see or i might might not even see it but are eyes are not made to see everything the universe creates. My writings are being guided by my higher power and I wont stop and Will not focus on people who are committed to not understanding me, It energy taken away from the people who do.. so here is this Inspirational speech, hope it might help others

 

The Man in the Arena

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. 

 

Theodore roosevelt 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

 

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