Hello friends today is Day 216 sober, hope everybody enjoyed their Christmas near and far. This week has been really great. Seeing all my loved ones and enjoying their comforting voices made this the Best Christmas thus far, being clear minded and focus, helps me not crave during the holidays. No longer living for instant gratifications so I can work towards long-term gratifications, much more rewarding.
I was able to meet with my father. I was a bit nervous but knew it was important and necessary for my healing. On the drive to his house, I felt a bit nausea. As I got closer I started second guessing myself and felt my heart pounding as I walked to the door. I was hoping it would just be him and I, but my grandma opened the door. I was excited to see her, I don’t visit that much and she is getting older. My father was resting but came out and gave me a hug. We sat and talked for about an hour. Not really about the past, just about today and how we are both doing. My father is a strong man who had a hard life at a very young age. His father was an alcoholic and was never really around until late in his life. Addiction runs in the family.
I can still see he has some anger issues but now that my mind is clear I can see past his issues and accept him whole. As I want others to do for me. He has a very short temper and it showed up in the meeting, not towards me but I realized that’s his issue and it has nothing to do with me. That helped me not feel any emotions to his temper. I just sat there and listen. It’s huge progress in my recovery forgiving and letting go so I can move forward in my life without resentment, hurt and anger for my father. I did not get a clear answer on why my father used and why he did the things he did. What I do know is he battles with addiction and he does love me in his own way. I don’t think my father was taught how to love and care for children. He started working very young and the man he consider a father figure past in his twenties. After he lost his uncle (father Figure) my dad started using drugs and alcohol. Not one hundred percent sure but that’s my take on it.
In the past, I would get angry and hurt when he would get short tempered but I will no longer let his issue become mine or ruin my day. He’s also difficult to talk to at times because he is a bit old fashioned and never wrong. Most of our conversations tend to be him lecturing me and when I give my opinion it seems to frustrate him a bit. I guess we both have egos that need to be in check. Feeling free from childhood wounds is a great feeling; those wounds are now titanium that will help me get through future obstacles. I have earned my wounds for a reason I am now beginning to understand. I can inspire and create art. My aunt told me last night that my father was also a writer and love to read under trees but had to work and provided for his family since he was the man of the house. My dad never became a writer but maybe I can live this dream for the both us. My childhood made me resilient in a way, able to deal with life on life terms. Clean and Strong, what a beautiful thing, Sober is the new black
home poem
This song from Ingrid Michaelson called home. Is such a beautiful song and I hope you all have a beautiful holiday at home wherever that may be.
Hello, Friends today is day 211 sober. I am sitting at a local Restaurant called LuLu in palm springs ca. Looking at the night sky filled with bright stars with sober eyes. Never thought I’d be satisfied with life at the moment. I was expecting to feel uneasy my first major holidays being sober, but actually I feel a lot of peace. I know I will be around booze this holiday and came to terms with it. My sobriety is number one and my family knows that if I feel uneasy I will leave the holiday festivities. Me being in recovery shouldn’t prevent others from living their lives. Trips in the past consisted of me getting black out drunk most of my days, it feels great having a clear mind. Temptation and triggers will happen in sobriety and at those times I have to take it day-by-day, even moment-by-moment.
Saw my birth mother yesterday it was a warm embrace. She looks really good like she is also on a road to recovery. Talking to my mother has really opened me up in a life changing way. Growing up was very dark but speaking to her brought on a huge understanding and compassion on why my childhood was so dark. My mother has been abused most of her life by men, she used to help cope with her pain. At the moment I feel weightless from childhood, it’s really hard to explain but its like my eyes became bigger and I now see the whole picture frame. I found peace that allows me to move towards my future. I think it’s important to never forget the roads I walked, a lot of lessons, strength, and beauty in them. I do need to detach my emotions that will make me feel negative towards others and myself. My father is a different story, I always feel a bit uneasy and nervous around him, but I know it is necessary to heal that part. Not sure if this trip will be that trip. One hurdle at a time. My sobriety is number one and I need to take my healing slow so I don’t leave anything undone.
Last night I Party Sober, I went to a local club that I used to frequent, had so much fun dancing away with one of my best friends. I had no cravings for booze actually seeing everybody wasted brought on appreciation that I was no longer partaking in that world. Sober is the New Black. The rest of the trip will consist of more writing sessions and self-healing. I found myself driving around old places i used to live and places where I have been in hurt, once i leave that spot, I leave that pain. My own way of healing, I guess.
Hello Friends, Day 180 sober. It’s has been such a busy week for me. Have some awesome upcoming shares. First and article and a featured in a magazine, Day 1, I would have never thought Sober is the new black would have brought some of my dreams to reality. I still have moments in my day where I look out the window and be in the moment. Work is slowing down and will end very soon. Going to write, write and rewrite. Heading back to Palm springs for 3 weeks at the end of December and early January. I never just sat and wrote in my hometown, so that is one of the many things I am excited to do. Going back with an open heart and a clear mind is such a beautiful thing.
Once an addict stops drinking, we are left with internal issues. So going back home will allow me to see my mother and father were I could continue the healing process. In the past, I was short tempered around my mother and nervous around my father but I need to be able to see them in the light of love and not in judgment. I am in a better place and have healed some wounds; so I am excited but I still need to learn what role will they be in my life. I will no longer let anyone make me feel less than. The most important thing is how I feel about myself.
My six months sober will be here in a couple days, the longest I have been sober in 10 years, and I feel very proud but still have a ways to go in my healing process. I need to always be aware of my ego and how my disorder manifests in my head. The disorder is not in the booze, it’s in my mind so once I am not giving it what it needs than that it comes out in the form of depression, self-hate, overeating, new addictions, sexual active, etc. So I have to be self-aware, healing and letting go of all the negative thoughts that are my addiction. So far I’ve been good, loving my mind, loving my soul, loving my talents but something I need to work on is love for my body. I sometimes look away from mirrors or find myself leaving a clothing store if I see my reflection. This is very hard to talk about but I never felt handsome. My weight always goes up and down and right now it’s a bit up but I can now see the mental disorder feeding me lies in my head, telling me to skip a meal or eat less. I am glad I am aware of it, so if weight is something I want to change, that’s ok but I need to do it healthy. So I joined a gym, so I can start working out. Working out will help my mind as well. I want to be healthy all around. I also will be forcing me to look in the mirror in the morning and say, “I am Beautiful” out loud until my eyes, voice and feelings believe it. It will take time, one issue at a time. Sober is the new black
Hello friends, its day 98 sober. It’s has been a busy day but feeling very grateful for this sober mind that helps me get through the day. Around this time in the past I would be past out drunk, so glad I have more hours in my day to create from within. I have started working my second job, I am so grateful for it. The hours, pay and environment are great. It’s a type of job with tons of deadlines and pressure but I’ve done it for years and use to it. The difference this year is I am sober. In the past it was ok to have a drink and work, maybe even a bottle of wine or some Macallan 12. Now it will be a total different experience. Some Pellegrino or coffee will do.I don’t miss the feeling or even the taste of booze; the only thing I miss is hanging out, the social aspect, meeting new peeps. Right now I just don’t have the time to be out, I have a few things in the works for Sober is the New Black. I do miss the bar food, I am a huge foodie.
On my way to this café in Koreatown I was looking out the window and seen this guy who appeared to be homeless stumbling around with a beer bottle in his hand, this disorder is real and I have to always be aware of the mind disorder. I felt empathy because the only thing that separates me from him is my sobriety. I am glad I am aware of what will happen if I pick up again. I am one drink away from death so I can’t have a next drink.
Today I spoke to my real mom on the phone and for the first time, I had no anger for her or hate. I felt love, it was weird because in the past I would be really annoyed or short temper when see called. I am learning how to forgive her and not really for her but for me. I need to happy and I wont if I carry hate for my parents. Forgiveness takes time. Not only do I want to forgive them I want a relationship. I want them to know me and I now them, If they want. My mom was a bit upset when I started this blog but now she understand this blog wasn’t about her it was about me healing. No matter how many times I was abused by my parents I still long for a friendship. My parents are also addicts so going through my addiction has brought me a deep understanding of my parents. My mom isn’t in the best place but I know she is working for a better tomorrow. I still have a bit of fear when I see my dad, when I see him I get nervous and say only a few words. It will take some more work but I would like to be friends with my father. I am also realizing I don’t really need parents in my life. Everything I need is in me; I just got to create love, joy, security, passion and growth. I can create friendships with others by being the best me and attracting that in my life. I just hope my parents find the serenity I do in this moment. Sober is the new Black.
I have to share this video from Oprah Winfrey again it Change the way I forgive, so powerful and i hope it helps
Hello friends, today is day 88 sober. This is a longread but its necessary for my healing. This is my Teen years into early adulthood. It’s an extension from my childhood and middle school years post. It’s a bit dark and its filled with a bunch of life lessons learned from darkness. I am not trying to hurt my family just need to heal. So I hope this will help someone. The path you’ve walked isn’t really important. It’s the path you create now in this moment.
The summer before high School my mother went to jail and my brother and I went to stay with my great grandmother. My father at the time was going through his own addiction. My day had created another family with my stepmom and my two younger brothers and at the time I felt he did not want us. My brother and I stayed there for a while. It was a great time. My great grandmother was a very kind soul that showed so much love. My father eventually came and picked up my bother and I because school was about to start. I came from different city and was very scared of high school. I was really small and looked like I belong in 5 or 6 grade. Freshman year was probably the worst year of my school years, at that time I just wanted to fit in and have friends. I did not have love at home so I was looking for constant approval from people. My freshman year, I only had two shirts and two shorts. I was so ashamed and Embarrassed, my clothes would smell really bad. My shoes had holes. My classmates notice so I was not only going through hell at home now I had to deal with it at school. I just wanted to be notice really so I would started to try and fit in anyway possible but I just did not look popular in anyway. So I meet a guy who was really nice so we sat together at lunch, we were cool. He smoke pot, I had never done drugs. He invited me to his house for the weekend and I went we smoked pot for 3 days straight with no food. Came home Monday and I was stone for days after, I was so scared. My father was never really around. My stepmother had to worry about her kids (my stepbrothers) and she worked fulltime. My freshman year I never went to school, that guy who was my friend one day just turn on me and started to beat me up in bathrooms. He would wait outside my classrooms, so can terrorize me. I would run from room to room. At lunch I found a safe place in the library but he and his friends eventually found me, and would beat me up in the library. I’ve been beaten my whole life by my own parents and never spoke up and so I just let it happen. That’s one of the reason I never went to school.
Eventually my mom got out of jail and so my brother and I moved back, she moved to Indio California, which is still in the same valley. My mom had a new man name Freddy who was drug addict but worked. I did not care I was out of that high school. Sophomore year was great; I excelled with straight A’s. Academic awards in health class and English. I made some awesome friends. I started acting in drama and did so good they bump me to drama honors, junior year comes and I started to work at a pizza place and was doing good in school College prep class for English and drama. I was old enough to work so after school I would get on a bus and head to work, I felt like life was getting better than one day I get home. We had to be out in 3 days, so once again everything comes crashing down
Freddy had a truck so we load whatever we had and parked in back of taco bell and slept there, it was right by my school but eventually we had to move back to be fathers. I did not want to go back to that old high school so I stayed at Indio, the only problem was it was so far away, I had to be up at 4am riding two busses to school plus working a job it just got to much and all those college prep classes and honors classes I started to fail. I wasn’t showing up, life was overwhelming for a 15 year old. At the time is when I met a man who was the manager of the pizza place, he was my first so we started seeing each other, and I would skip school to see him. He showed me affection, something that was rare in my life, so I feel quick. He was thirty I was fifteen but eventually that did not last. People from the pizza place found out and so they made a huge fuss. I ended up Quitting the pizza place and left the high school were I was excelling at. I started doing an independent school that was once a week. I was no longer in English or drama. Since I was working fulltime I had to pay 400 bucks a month to live with my father. My father was must have been on drugs because that’s when he became really abusive. I would wake up to him beating me several times. Stomping my back and face. Kicking my bother and I out the house because of gang’s stuff eventually going back home to see my father sitting on the couch with a gun on his lap. One time my brother who is a few years younger than me had to wash his clothes. My father was in the garage where the washroom was. My father would not let us wash are clothes because his friends we probably doing drugs but we need to for school, so my brother walked in and my father beat him in front of his friends to show respect. I kind of hate my father right now. I still can hear my younger brother cries echo.
My stepmother eventually left my father so again my brother and I moved back to my moms. My mom, her boyfriend, my brother and I lived in a small studio. I was working a grocery store as a bagger and started making friends, I start to come out as gay; I never had any issues with. I don’t remember my first drink but it happens around 17-18 but I was a light -weight drinking like two Smirnoff ice and that’s it. My mother couldn’t really beat me any more but she would say the most horrible things, like I wish I never had you, faggot, etc. she might have been coming down off here drug of choice. I ended up in a continuation school. I would walk a mile to school but I was so determine to graduate and I did. My mother was once again kicked out so we moved into a motel and lived there for sometime. I had already graduated and saved up to by my first car, everything I had I worked for myself, no help. My mom was still using, I found her meth pipe in the restroom and I always would get so hurt every time I found out she was using, I am sure Vince (My EX) felt that way about me..
I got my own place and moved my mom and my younger brother in. My mom did not work, so I had to take care of everything. It was hard but I was manage to do it for awhile, we had really no food. I turned 21 so I would go out, I feel kind of bad because my brother and I started to drift a part because I was 21. He would always want to hang with me but I pushed him away. He started hanging with people who smoked weed. He now struggles with addiction. At that time I was drinking a little but a friend one day offered me cocaine and I feel in love with it. I couldn’t party without it. It was a feeling at the time like no other. It took me away from reality. Life was too much and this helped me coupe. I was doing it for a while. One day I did way too much and spun out, my come down was so bad I was in the hospital. Since that I day I could not do cocaine without getting that feeling so I stop.
My stepmother and I became really close, she came and picked me up. I never went back to my apartment. I left behind everything including my younger brother. I felt bad, I couldn’t save him. I had to save myself. He is now struggling. I moved in with my stepmom and for 3 months I didn’t drink or do drugs. I ate really healthy and worked out, running 6 miles a day. I was working on the outside not the inside, I did not know I was an addict so I start going out but it wasn’t the same. I was not having fun because I did not have that numb feeling. I remember that day I transferred addiction. It’s crazy because I remember that moment. I was at toucans a local gay club and my friend at the time asked me what’s wrong. I told him, He said chug two whiskey and coke and ill get that same feeling. So I did, and that gave me a similar feeling. I think that was the start. I had a couple of short-term loves but it did not last they both cheated on me but I was still not dealing with my past issues. I was picking the wrong guys. One guy was such an ass; he was older and did not ever want to be around me. He wanted to schedule me in, emotional not an available, cold . He had his own issues but he was verbal abusive. I was so used to people abusing me so I took it for 3 months and it didn’t work. I stayed with my stepmother but I was not growing, all I did was watch film and drink. There was a point when I was like maybe I should stop but I did not know how too. I walked into an AA and it was so scary, all ex convicts. I walked in and I was this little gay boy at the time. Everything they spoke it was about with they have done, not the way the mind of Addiction worked. So I checked everything off my list and was like, oh I am not an addict.
I ended up getting laid off of work, I found this older man who basically paid me to hangout and sleep with him, he was an Alcoholic. So from morning till night we would drink, eat and have sex but not just with each other. I was so lost and just wanted some sort of love and I did not want to feel. In my early years I did sell my body for petty cash, it was a rush and I didn’t respect my body. This older man wasn’t giving me petty cash I did not work for two years. Being in my early 20’s making 3 grand a month wasn’t bad. It was two years of craziness. He is well known who had a house in Palm Springs.My addiction started to show. My family I think started to notice. I got arrested for public intoxication, I lost my cell phone that night and wallet and got my septum ripped out. My stepmother refused to pick me up. Tough love. I ended up moving in with my brother, sleeping on the couch. Not aware of my addiction, past issues, a lost soul. After a child is treated like I was you go from hurt kid to an angry negative person and that’s ok because that needs to happen so you can heal eventually. That older man eventually left.
So I was broke, car-less, hurt, had a few items, sleeping on a couch, no checking account at 23 years old. One day I decided to walk to brother hot tube with a glass of wine, and I found this cute boy on Facebook, we started chatting. Little did I know he was going to be one of the biggest teachers in my life so Far. I knew talking to him it would be my out of the hell I created and my parents co created. I rode a greyhound bus to LA. He was outside waiting for me, and I saw him we hugged and kiss. I just felt like home when I was around him, my whole body went numb and I lost my breath, till this day I still get that same feeling when I am around him. A month later I was moving to LA all I had was a bag of clothes and a huge gold bunny that was like 2 feet tall. I was unaware all the past pain I was bringing with me and Vince was also unaware. I still did not understand I was an addict. The relationship was good and also chaotic. There was know way I could have heal 23 years of a horrifying childhood, teen, and early adulthood in the time with Vince.
I sit here now fours years after moving to LA. Making the decision to move out here saved my life. I did not need really an convincing, I had nothing in the desert, I had a chance to be away from my parents. A new life but I had that same mind. I am not perfect but I am on my way to becoming who I am supposed to be. Using my past as the fuel to my rocket shooting into endless possibility. Staying sober, going inside to heal, spiritual practices, creating deep love for myself, writing, creating positive thoughts, finding me, forgiving, sober is the new black, hanging out with my inner divine, learning how to be alone, separating me ego from my soul, law of attraction, laughing, creating passion are just some of the things that will keep me on my path to becoming ADOLFO. Sober is the new black, I am grateful for life
Stay connect with love Adolfo
Jennifer Hudson I am changing is a perfect song,
I am changing, I am going to start again, I am going to leave my past behind me, Im change my life, make right, nothing going to stop me now.
This long read is Dark that might affect a lot of my family but its part of the process of healing. The point of it isn’t to hurt but to heal and write down with the eyes of that young child. Not the view of my brothers or trying to rationalize my parent’s behavior. I need to heal the hurting young kid that still weeps. Growing up I never talk to anyone about my childhood and teen years, my good friend Nikka and Marquita who I knew since kindergarten never met my mother nor my father. I put on a fake smile and denied everything. Living in a fantasy of false and pretend fairytale that was really a dark hole that consists of blood baths, fear, homelessness, molestation, drugs and selling my body. My goal is to go back and save that young kid with a beautiful smile and those big rounded brown eyes. This is my childhood from k-5, the memories are a bit jumbled and hard to remember the exact timeline but the events are real and the pain is real. I love my parents but this words needs to be let out. It will be a two part child hood and teen years.
I was born on a rainy day on 11:11:85 in Palm Springs California, I was the first born on my father’s side and at the time my mother already had a child from a previous marriage. Growing up I always lived in fear. My parent’s energy was so hostile and vulgar. Since I could remember I was walking on eggs shells that had needles. If I even looked the wrong way I would get beaten to the pole. My parents were on drugs most of my life. Around 3years old I remember living with my two brothers and my birth parents. They would get into these fights that would scare me to the core so bad that even when we were having a good time I was so scared of them fighting. I am extremely sensitive. I remember staying up most nights, with my ear to the their bedroom door listening. Waiting for the fight. When I heard peace I felt comfort so I would head to bed for few hours than my anxiety would kick in and so my ear was back at the door. I remember one day my parents were on the couch watching TV and I kept running from my bed to the end of the hallway so I can see if they were fighting. Eventually they notice and instead of comforting me a 3 year old they screamed and threaten to beat me. So I would run and hide. I don’t understand how parents can be that way to their own child. They are the cause of the uneasy feelings. I would always be afraid when my father would come home from work. At my age I couldn’t process fear so I acted out with anxiety and when I did they would beat me for it. I remember my father was trying to sleep and I had a cough, he didn’t want to hear me so he threw me out in rain in the middle of the night and locked the door of course I was screaming my head off. This pain I carry is deep its in every cell of my body and bone marrow. I don’t remember much from the time when my parents were together, just a blur. If I were to sum up that time it would consist of fights, extreme Fear, a lot of spanking, yelling, walking in on my parents having sex.
Eventually my parent split. I had a babysitter that would come over; he lived across the street from the house. He was a family friend at the time and was a teenager I believe. When he would watch me he would show me his private part and have me touch him and do stuff to him. I am not sure if I seen my parents do it to each other and I wanted to act it out, somehow I knew mommy and daddy did those things, I had to be around 3 years old. I never told anyone this before and it feels good to speak out about it. We did not always have a babysitter. I remember Waking up and my mother would be gone so I would run around the house scared screaming and crying. Again fear! I kind of hate her right now as I am writing this because fear plays a huge role in my life now. When I look at the very few pictures I have of me as a child I just want to give myself a big hug, I really don’t remember hugs or kisses at all. I was such a cute kid that was very sensitive. The day after my father left a guy name Bert moved in and my mom said this is my new father and I have to call him dad. My mother must have been cheating on my father since the move in came quickly. My mom left my older brother father for my father quick too, not sure if I am even my father son. I don’t remember any family members really stepping in or even noticing. My older brother ran away to his father leaving my younger brother and I. From the outside my brother and I looked put together but the reality is it was noticeable that we were being abuse and I have forgiven my other family members for not stepping in, it took some time but I will never forget.
My mother always depended on men for everything security, money, and happiness. My father was the same way with women. Bert my new father was a stoner who never worked, he would blow weed smoke in my brothers face and I all the time. He never kept a job, I think when my mother met him he was working for the city and got fired for buying booze with his work shirt on. After that he did odd jobs to get by and my mother never worked. Since no one kept a job we moved around a lot. When I started kindergarten my parents didn’t or couldn’t have my brother and I so they dropped us off with my great grandma. She was such a wonderful human that I am grateful for, Anita was her name and she made the best homemade tortilla with beans. She would get me ready in the morning. My mother eventually came back for us. My first grade memory that sticks to me was my mom calling me inside because she said, my grandma was on the phone, and she was lying. I ran inside, my mom was behind the door with a high heal behind her as I ran in from excitement she pounds my forehead with her heal blood everywhere my scream echoed. It still does till this day. My younger brother behind me getting that same heal across his head covered in my blood. Me and my brother got moved around all over, we moved to La Quinta and my mother did not want to enroll me in school so I walked myself to the local elementary school and gave them the packets the first day of school and again know one thought of calling social services.
School was never important to my mother, my brother started kindergarten at 7 years old. The next year when I went to enroll again they said I never was a student. Eventually we were kick out of my aunts house. So from k-5 I was in 4 different schools been kick out of every home because my mother and Bert never paid their rent. We would lose everything in storages. I have nothing from my childhood except a few photos. I only had Trash bags of clothes. In 4 and 5th grade, we were really poor and went to bed hungry often. That’s when stealing really became a family habit. I was put in doggy doors so I can steal food for the family. We squatted in the home for a while didn’t pay rent and the owners couldn’t get us out.
We never felt Secure. My mom was so abusive, neglect full and wouldn’t really feed us. So between moving all around there was pretty horrible blood baths even at one point living in what now seems like a crack house with a gun put to are heads. I wish I could have saved my brother. My mother had me lie to my teachers and birth father about my bruises and knots. So lying, fear, lack of security, hurt and anger was instilled in me at a very young age and became the foundation of me. I am so grateful I had my brother to lean on and to help pass time. My brother and I became animals stealing food from stores, sneaking food in the middle of the night to are room like rodents. When we had roofs over are head it never was a home. At times we did not have Electricity so are house will get dark really quick. Are fridge would be an igloo cooler and showers would be in the dark. At a young age I lived in my mind the whole time make believe was my best friend.
There is so much more I can write down but these are the ones that stick out at the moment maybe ill save in for my bio. So now I go and weep for that hurting 3 year old who lives in fear from people hurting him, going to hold his hand and kiss his forehead while he weeps. Going to sit next to him and ease his anxiety with a sweet lullaby. I want to carry him from that past of profound misfortunate and into the moment of endless possibility. So he can see the beauty in life. Sober is the New Black
Hello friends today is day 37 sober and it has been an incredible weekend. My best friend, stepmother has left back home it was nice talking to her and spending a couple days laughing, eating and talking. My bother nick also came down he just graduated high school and is on his way to finding himself, he is very old fashion and has a great heart. They both have been very supportive in me getting sober. I have four other brothers 3 out of 5 brothers struggle with substance abuse I am one of them. So today as I was in the shower I was thinking about how prevalent addiction is in my family. Grandfather (addict) father (addict) myself and two brothers (addicts). That’s just part of the family tree. It’s something I have to keep in mind this family pattern/addiction needs to end with me so my kids and their kids wont have this horrible mental disorder in their life. I need to evolve, create a new life, and start new traditions so they wont suffer like I did. Change not just for me but also for the future Vasquez boys.
This is the first time I am all alone living life. I’ve always lived with family or a boyfriend. Its freeing and also its giving me the necessary time to find myself… Everyday I am sober things are becoming clearer especially my 3 year relationship. Nothing Vince did really bother me his Grouchiness, the way he liked things to be; he liked things to be setup his way. He never really wanted to do stuff I enjoyed doing like bowl, concerts, goodwill etc. He wasn’t open to letting the Relationship flow. He also never wanted to join me back home in Palm Springs. He did not want to meet any of my friends or meet any of my new family members. At times he was closed off, pushed me away, cold, not interested. In the beginning of the relationship he would always tell me he was unsure if we should be together (There’s a point to all this, not trying to bash Vince at all) He would also ignore me a few days each month and Then after the 3 days he would say sorry but it would happen again a month later, He would tell me it was an issue within himself which is fair we all have issues. I would call it his monthly period. With all that I did not care. I focus on the amazing stuff. When you are in relationship you have to let the other person evolve and change into the person they will become and let them learn from Lessons of life on their own (I HATE THE WORD MISTAKES BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING). My love was pure and strong because I saw past that dislikes and saw the likes. I saw his heart, his smile, loved his laugh.
It’s clear to me now that he would have left me sober or drunk. He just was not happy with are relationship. Maybe he was also unhappy with himself. His idea of what he wanted in a partner wasn’t me. We both wanted different things and enjoyed different things in life. My Addiction just made it easier so we can part. No one else lived in the apartment expect Vince and I. The main difference is I would have met him halfway but he wasn’t ever willing to but that’s ok or maybe he did with certain things this is just me writing how I feel at the moment. I hope he finds a better fit and I hope I find a better fit. We are only on earth for a short period of time. No matter what, Vince has been a huge part of my life and he might not be in my life physically but he will always be in my heart like an imprint and the lessons he thought me will guided me into a new sober life. Sober is the New Black. True love will find us in the End we just have to be open to it and not let the past confuse us! Leaving you guys with a song that was playing in the Koreatown coffee shop. Its kind of perfect for this post! Beck true love will find you in the end
Hello friends its day 22 sober and I am having a great day. The past couple of days have been amazing. It was nice being back home sober. I wish I had more time to see all my loved ones. I did not get a chance to see my mom but I did get to talk to her, She seems in a good place, which brought me some comfort! I did get a little sad yesterday morning; I think I was just missing my apartment and routine. I did start having Alcoholism thoughts that consist of some negative thoughts, I thought people were disappointed in me for all the chaos I caused but my mind was trying to tell me a false story but I caught it before in ruin my day. Alcoholism doesn’t care how amazing the surroundings are around you it will always try and come out so I can hit that bottle again but I am so happy that I can now catch it before it gets to that point. I just change the thought process.
I been wanting to get a Remembrance tattoo for my love Magnolia but the artist I use is out here. I knew this trip would be the perfect time. Magnolia is with me all the time, I feel her and see her in my dreams. It came out perfect. I will be getting some other tattoos soon including a Sober is the new black. This trip has been filled with laughter, great talks and some amazing food. I made some great moments that will eventually over shadow the drunken moments. I see people around me differently, ever person that I meet I want to connect with them and know their story. I want to love everyone that comes into contact with me. My eyes, heart and my eyes are clear at the moment. I just have to stay sober and focus on my long-term goals. My mind is a beautiful thing I just cant let it become my enemy again. In 8 days ill be 30 days and I can’t believe it!
I’m leaving with peace in my heart for my father and mother. When I get back home I will be eating better, still focusing on staying sober, building on new relationships and old ones, write, write, write, love, love and love! This trip is amazing but I am excited to get back to LA and hit up my coffee shops. Thank you Universe for this amazing trip I am so Grateful for this trip.
Hello friends, Today is day 19 sober and it has been an amazing day. I’ve been working on Nonfiction for the past two years now; today I plug in my work external hard drive to my Mac. I had a folder with the same name on my desktop and the hard drive. One had work stuff the second had my nonfiction. Well I accidently replace my work folder with my personal and my nonfiction was gone. I have a rough draft somewhere but in that moment at almost died but right away I surrendered it to the universe. There was nothing I can do; I can only choose how to react to the situation. I feel like everything happens for a reason so maybe that nonfiction needs to be rewritten with a sober mind! So far my mind has been filled with ideas. So I accept it and learn a valuable lesson. I need to have a few back ups! I am grateful I still have my rough draft!
Ill be heading back home tomorrow, I am so excited to see everybody. I have not been home since Christmas and New years and during that time I was wasted for 3 weeks straight. So it’s nice to go back with a clear mind and an open heart. I am not worried at all about drinking or getting cravings. I have tons of memories that consist of drugs, booze, and horrible nights but when I go back I am going to be focusing on making healthy memories. Excited to be at a pool and to hit up some local thrift stores that are may favorite, also eat some yummy food.
So I know ill be fine on the not drinking part, the only thing that’s on my mind is seeing my father since the holidays. It did not go so well he got in my face he was a mess. I need to remind myself that there is a bigger picture here and maybe I can use this trip as a healing trip to tie up all the loose ends and to finally leave it all behind me! Thank you again for taking time out to check out Sober is the Black.
Sober Is The New Black 