1 Year Sober

Today is one year sober; today I feel nothing but gratitude. A sense of self-awareness I have never felt before. In one year I’ve learned more about me than in the 28 years of living. What I’ve learned in one year sober is I am not my past, my mistakes, and my past addiction. I’m whom I choose to be today, in this moment.

A year ago today, I was sitting on a mattress on the floor in a new apartment, I’d lost the love of my life because of my addiction, and I was ashamed and embarrassed. Little hope, lost with no purpose or sense of direction.

Today every aspect of my life is amazing, like I am walking in a dream. I see the world with different eyes. Eyes that is clear and filled with hope and compassion.

Sobriety does not fix everything but it allows me to have a clear mind so I could fix my life. The first few weeks into sobriety my emotions were up and down. Happy, Sad, Hopeful, defeated, angry, confused, blissful, inspired, sobriety allowed me to feel life on life terms.

The list of gifts sobriety has brought into my life are endless. Surrendering everything to the power greater than myself has been beyond rewarding, it taught me a word called forgiveness. Forgiving everything including forgiveness for myself.

Sobriety put purpose in my writing. I heal through my art. Hopefully inspiring others to heal through art. I now see love in all aspects of my life. When I was using I was blind from the love that surrounded me. I was caught in my mind that created false stories that brought me pain so I would use, creating a vicious cycle of using.

Now I see love so big, I feel love so much it’s as if my heart going to explode.

The ISM in Alcoholism is Alcohol-Inside Self & Mind. My disease centered in my mind creating the body craving. I had to become aware of the mind voice. Once I was able separate the voice from my True self. I could stop the voice dead in its tracks. The voice would speak to me like just have one more drink or only wine. The voice would bring up my past; you had such a bad childhood, you should be angry, he’s cheating on you, blah blah on and on. How dare you, you offended me, blah, blah on and on.

The voice sounded like me, it knew what to say to get me to the next drink.

I’m stronger than the voice because I’m aware of my true-self. My true-self is stronger. I can shut it down. if it starts feeding me negative thoughts from my past.

Today I woke up happy, aware, with purpose; fire in my heart to create art, wanting to be a better me. Still working on love for myself and compassion for others. Staying open to learning new things. Sober is the new black.

I want to say thank you to the readers of sober is the new black. That allowed me to share my journey. There are no words that i can write down to show my gratitude. Thank you friends with more days sober who are my teachers and thank you friends with less days sober who my inspiration.

Sober is the New Black will continue on, my book will be out at the end of this year also an apparel line. Sobriety brings dreams that seemed unimaginable. God bless and until next time. Going to turn off my computer for the day and just live!!!!!! Seeing new sights with these clean and sober eyes.

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

This video below was one year in the making. Hope it inspires.

 

 

one year sober

 

adolfo vasquez adolfo vasquez

 

adolfo vasquez

Special thanks to Roxy Shih for the video

Vincent Sandoval for Photography

Stay connected with love Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 284 Sober: Why Would I choose to be an Addict?

Hello Friends,  Today is day 284 sober. I was visiting family in Bakersfield CA this past weekend. Every time I’m in Bakersfield, it’s like a great therapy session. Talking for hours with my aunts and stepmother. It’s great hearing them share their wisdom in life. Sometimes I think I am doing great and then his name spoken or an incident brought up from the past and my mind starts to go and go and go and go. I was a bit in a funk the first night there that lead into the next day. I have some hurt feelings still from my past relationship that I need to heal. I am aware there is no reason for these hurt feelings, he did nothing to hurt me. He came back into my life after I got sober and we tired to see where we both fit in each other life.  My feelings came back strong and It was his choice to not work things out. I worked so hard those months without him in my life,  becoming strong,  letting go only to become vulnerable, opening my heart up once more only to get hurt again. It wasn’t his fault and he was also confused. It’s been months and months since this happened and yet I still find myself being woken up with vivid dreams, some good and some hurtful. Sometimes those dreams bleed into the day and I try and try to shake them off but the only way for me to feel better is to cry and write.

Afterwards I was back to day one at failed attempt at love. What was also hard was this time I was sober in recovery and had a chance to really be the man I knew I was but being sober could not render that hopeful dream. Sobriety can’t amend others perception of me it seems. Some family members think that addiction is a choice I made. Why would I choose to be an Addict? I guess their minds aren’t opened up enough to realize that the pain i caused was symptoms of the mind disorder called addiction. Yes its my choice not to drink but making choices when you are in the midst of a suffering addict, those choices are not my own they are the Addiction. People might see it as an excuse or a cop out but I take full responsibility for my actions. I cant explain or give reasons for a person that is no longer me.

People who know me personally know that I am a bit Naive, air head, foodie, loves to laugh, loves to love, loves to sleep past noon, dislike morning hikes, Always say ” If that makes sense” That’s who I am, When I would drink Alcohol I made scenes, very jealous, cry all the time, get offended, say the most hateful things, blackout, those are the symptoms.

The real me wakes up the next the day, feeling guilty, shame, hurt, hating myself.  I tell myself I will never drink but that mind voice or addiction starts talking to me telling me to use. I did not have the proper tools to quiet that voice. Addiction is like living with two self’s. Some of the family members can relate to my EX  because they have been in a relationship with someone who suffered with addiction. My family loves him and still wants him to be apart of our family, which is something I need to find peace with. I love his family as well but need him completely out of my life at the moment so I can heal from open wounds. It’s been over a year since we broke up but a few months after I got sober we reconnected. Not sure if the hurt feelings are from missing him in my life or him not wanting me in his life all the time but I need him out, ugh sounds confusing.

It’s my issue to figure out, I have to remind myself I wouldn’t be here today sober with a strong foundation if it wasn’t for that breakup. I want to love again and be in love but I have to clear my eyes from the past so I can see love with a clean slate and not with fear. Not sure if I could ever love like I did but I know I will love smarter and make better decisions.  I will never give up on loving someone and I hope one day I can love even greater. Sober is the New Black.

If there is anyone in love with some who is suffering from addiction knows you will lose yourself trying to save them. The addiction becomes so huge consuming the relationship. My ex was never able to really deal with his issues because mine were overpowering. One day at a time. Sober is the New Black. I am not my drunken stumbles or the shame of causing pain to others but I am the person getting up everyday fighting to be a better me, whole and happy.  Today I will sit and write and weep.

 

 

One thousands

 

New gold Frames

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

Thunder

 

Kate Nash Merry Happy is the perfect song for today.

 

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 133 Sober: A family Fight

Hello Friends it’s been a few days since my last blog post, I needed a break to clear my mind. Addiction is a family curse and it seems like lately I have someone in my immediate family who is in really bad shape and I am so focus on my recovery, I did not realize how bad of shape he is in. He just got out of the hospital from withdrawals but still wants to drink. I want to just shake him but I know I used to be him, in denial. The only person who can change his mind is he. I love him with all my heart and I know if anything were to ever happen I would be crushed. I inspire people but it seems I can’t even inspire my own family member to get clean. I can only focus on my healing and I have not craved any booze.

 

Helping my family member, will help me but he needs to want it. Not just accepting it but really wanting to stop and knowing with every cell in his body that he is an addict. Will be taking a trip back home so I can maybe talk to him. I’ve been working 60hrs a week, my program, and creating a book so I have not really had time for anything other than a shower and maybe a meal.

 

I believe in him and know he will see the light. I will do everything in my power to fight for him as others have done for me. I love him and I also will give him some tuff love. Sober is the new black. I am grateful for family, friends, love, my awareness, and for my program that keeps me clean.

 

 

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Sober is the New Black

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

DAY 98 Sober: Forgiving my parents Oprah Way

Hello friends, its day 98 sober. It’s has been a busy day but feeling very grateful for this sober mind that helps me get through the day. Around this time in the past I would be past out drunk, so glad I have more hours in my day to create from within. I have started working my second job, I am so grateful for it. The hours, pay and environment are great. It’s a type of job with tons of deadlines and pressure but I’ve done it for years and use to it. The difference this year is I am sober. In the past it was ok to have a drink and work, maybe even a bottle of wine or some Macallan 12. Now it will be a total different experience. Some Pellegrino or coffee will do.I don’t miss the feeling or even the taste of booze; the only thing I miss is hanging out, the social aspect, meeting new peeps. Right now I just don’t have the time to be out, I have a few things in the works for Sober is the New Black. I do miss the bar food, I am a huge foodie.

 

On my way to this café in Koreatown I was looking out the window and seen this guy who appeared to be homeless stumbling around with a beer bottle in his hand, this disorder is real and I have to always be aware of the mind disorder. I felt empathy because the only thing that separates me from him is my sobriety. I am glad I am aware of what will happen if I pick up again. I am one drink away from death so I can’t have a next drink.

 

Today I spoke to my real mom on the phone and for the first time, I had no anger for her or hate. I felt love, it was weird because in the past I would be really annoyed or short temper when see called. I am learning how to forgive her and not really for her but for me. I need to happy and I wont if I carry hate for my parents. Forgiveness takes time. Not only do I want to forgive them I want a relationship. I want them to know me and I now them, If they want. My mom was a bit upset when I started this blog but now she understand this blog wasn’t about her it was about me healing. No matter how many times I was abused by my parents I still long for a friendship. My parents are also addicts so going through my addiction has brought me a deep understanding of my parents. My mom isn’t in the best place but I know she is working for a better tomorrow. I still have a bit of fear when I see my dad, when I see him I get nervous and say only a few words. It will take some more work but I would like to be friends with my father. I am also realizing I don’t really need parents in my life. Everything I need is in me; I just got to create love, joy, security, passion and growth. I can create friendships with others by being the best me and attracting that in my life. I just hope my parents find the serenity I do in this moment. Sober is the new Black.

 

I have to share this video from Oprah Winfrey again it Change the way I forgive, so powerful and i hope it helps

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

DAY 71 Sober: Meeting Gloria Estefan

Hello friends today is day 71 sober, I just woke up from an amazing nap. I did not get the best sleep last night. There is a couple that continues to fight above my floor and it reminds me of my of my parents fighting, I’ve called the cops so many times. Her Screech is very is very haunting. I just hope she finds the courage to leave and knows her worth. My rewrites have been good going to pick it up again in a bit. Last night I had to put it down because my mind and eyes couldn’t function anymore, I was up late.

 

Last year around this time I got to meet Gloria Estefan, who is a brilliant singer and inspiration. Kathy Griffin hosted this Q&A slash Album release party for Gloria fan’s. I’ve always been a fan of Gloria and listen to hear music growing up. Growing up her music took me away from that nightmare into a fairytale. Dancing and music is such a healing tool I also use today.

 

When I was in the midst of my Addiction most of the time I was functioning. Addiction and Alcoholism showed up in my life in lying, deceitfulness and conniving, I never harmed anyone physically. Vince was the photographer for the event and the whole week I was bugging to go, hoping. Thinking of a conga outfit. I got approved. We showed up before anyone else; I was sitting on the couch and in walks Gloria, Emilio, and Kathy. I was so nervous like a mouse I didn’t speak at all. They were doing interviews and Vince was getting candid shoots. At that time I notice they were setting up an open bar and right away my inner addiction voice starts going off, it was a constant battle, a painful battle. I knew If I picked up a drink than I would be lying to my partner but I was powerless and at the time I wasn’t in recovery so I didn’t have the tools, I do now. Once it started Vince went his way, I headed to the bar. Putting an untreated alcoholic at an open bar is like putting a Starved man in a locked room with tons of food and telling him not to eat. My mind convinced me a powerless person, to walk over and grab a drink so I did. To be in front of booze and not drink was mentally and physically painful. I would panic and be anxiety ridden. Suffering the whole time. I was chugging and hiding from Vince most of the time. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be sober for this amazing moment And I must be the worst boyfriend an ungrateful boyfriend. This was a huge night for Vince and I couldn’t have been strong for him. I pounded drinks until tell I got that feeling I was chasing.

 

 

I kept it a secret for so long but I needed to write it down so it wont be that infection of guilt that is eating my inside causing my immune system or my healing to get weak. Not every secret needs to be spoken out loud, some secrets you can forgive your self and not do it again. There are some amazing things, sliver linings from that night. I got to meet Gloria Estefan who inspired me at a young age to fight for what I want, she is a survivor. Now when I look back I am filled with gratefulness for Vince who gave me the opportunity to meet her. I told Vince she was the cutest thing ever and when I went to go speak to her she repeated it back to me. Emilio Estefan was so kind to everyone he came into contact with. Gloria made sure everyone got a picture and she spoke to everyone. She is really funny too. Not sure if I thanked Vince for this and many blessing he brought me. Coming from where I did, I never thought I would ever be in the same room let alone have a moment with her. I am so grateful for 71 days sober, for Gloria Estefan and for Vince. Sober is the New black 

Photography Credit: Vincent Sandoval

Photo Credit: Vincent Sandoval

 

This video of Gloria and Oprah Winfrey is so inspiring. Discipline, baby steps and getting back on is some of the just some of the inspirational words I am taking away. Hope it helps others.

 

 

 

 

DAY 66 Sober: Separate the Voice in Your Head from the Real You

Hello friends its End of day 66 sober and I will be up late, I got some feed back from an Editor, So i am up rewriting. Usually when I write I listen to music or youtube videos. I just came across this Gem on Separating the voice in your head from the real you. It helps me identify that voice cause by Alcoholism that speaks to me in my tone of voice so i thinks it me but really its that addiction. I have not heard. That voice has not spoke to me about wanting to drink but it does come out and tells me a story that makes me sad that can lead to a drink. So i have to watch that voice in my head or commonly known as thoughts. Hope this help anyone. Sober is the New Black. Grateful for the Editor, for Author Michael Singer, and for Oprah

Stay connect with love , Adolfo

 

 

 

DAY 39 Sober: Balance

 

 

Hello friends today is day 39 Sober and I am feeling great! I am realizing I need to start working out. I am losing weight because I cut out the booze but my energy level is very low. I know working out releases endorphins: which is really helpful for Addicts. I have a free gym member ship so there are no excuses! I need some balance in my life all I do is write, eat, sleep and watch films but that’s better than my old self. The old self would drink, drink, write a bit, drink, pass out, and work. I just need to add a few things like working out, creating more of a social life, attending some AA meetings not just online, and start taking some classes. I need to keep my brain active. Its only 39 days sober and I have already done more in the 39 days then I have in the past few years so I have to pat myself on my back! 

 

I have only had a Couple of cravings for booze but Alcohol-ISM is a living disorder that centers in the mind so you have to watch it because it comes out in others ways like depression, turns into another addiction, Sexual behavior, anxiety and I am sure there are more. All have to do with your mind so you have to be the watcher of the mind. So that’s what I’ve been doing becoming self-aware and when watching the mind you can start to find the core issues so you can heal them. A week ago I started to put my childhood on paper but within an hour I had to stop my emotions went a bit crazy, I felt extreme anger and sadness so after I stop writing I made a phone to a sponsor like who helped talk me through. I have yet to go back to that place but I know it’s a necessary for my healing. Later on today I head back to that place. I am grateful for having a clear mind to do so. I also need to find time to clean my apartment and do laundry like a normal person but writing is so much more fulfilling! lol. 

Today I am grateful for life and for all the support I have received from Sober is the New Black!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 29 SOBER: Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind)

Hello friends, today is day 29 sober and so far it has been an amazing unproductive day. I’ve been relaxing all day, feels good not having plans. I would like to have no plans more often.  I am a day away from a month and as each day passes my want for booze is fading and my want for an amazing new life gets stronger. No cravings today except for some fast food but I told my self no, I wanted a whole shift in my mind, body and soul. I need to put healthy stuff in my body so my mind works at 100 percent and I need to make sure to get enough sleep. Your body knows when it needs sleep, so take a nap and recharge! I am in love with midday naps. I will take it over sex any day! Not only is my mind becoming self aware and I am starting to see patterns that were created from my childhood but my body is also changing. I feel great and clothes are fitting me a lot better. 

 

Alcoholism centers in my mind and body not it the booze itself so once you become aware on the ISM(Inside Self &Mind) that voice that talks to you to convince you to drink than you can stop it! In time it gets easier. It’s like your mind is a muscle the more you work it the stronger it is. No voice, place, person, situation can take away my sobriety this time around. You have to become self aware, detox from the booze allow the body (ISM) to appear with the withdrawals and cravings. Once you stop drinking than you are left with untreated alcoholism because you are not treating it with its meds (booze) so that’s when its get hard and your mind goes a bit crazy, Temper, annoyed, hurt, sad, anger, lying to get the booze, denial just drinking wine or beer. Ill stop the hard liquor. Or ill just drink at night. Maybe just on Mondays. It will try and convince you because this mental disorder/parasite of a kind needs to thrive and stay alive. Also the metal disorder will come out in physical pain to try and get you to drink, night sweats, body aches, body itch’s, seizures, this is the body (ISM).  So how do you go from untreated Alcohol-ISM to treating it without booze? For me treating my disorder is a daily thing because it never goes away that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy because you can it just takes work and time. So I treat my Alcohol-ISM by becoming self-aware of my issues and try and heal old wounds, positive thinking, surrendering to a higher power, loving people and learning how to love myself, meditation, start new healthy hobbies, find a form of AA that works for ME, Change everything about my life if you walked on the right-side of the street start walking on the left side, you’ll start to see the street from a different angle thus see the world from a different level. Make new normal that consist of laughter, joy, gratefulness, and acceptance.

 

What’s the most incredible thing is it can end today and your life can change in a second a whole new normal and amazing normal. Once you accept that Alcoholism is a living ISM that centers in your mind and body than you can become aware of it so then you can start treating it! Also you stop admitting and start accepting the truth that your are an Addict but truly understand what role it has played in your life and connect it to your heart and realize that your life today is the direct result of your choices, no one else! Just you! Not the past, not the abuser, not your parents, not that story you’ve told your mind over and over and even told others.

 

It’s a hard thing to grasp because we are so used to the past creating how we see the world and others. It’s a proven fact that if you start thinking differently than your cells and DNA starts to change, so you are no longer that story, your old self.  You are now who you choose to be at the moment. You are your current thoughts. I am proof! I am in tears when I write this because for the past 29 days I wake up happy, excited for life, passion for long term goals. I see people differently and I have had some stressful moments but with my clear mind I let it go I surrender it to the universe. I DONT EVER NAME MY HIGHER POWER ON HERE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE IT HAS TO BE THE SAME AS MINE TO GET SOBER, NO IT DOESN’T, WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU CONSIDER IT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD, UNIVERSE, MOON, SUN, A DOOR, A BUDDAH, A BLOW DYRER. There are plenty of roads to Rome you just have to find a road that is connecting to your heart and that works with your life.

 

I found my new normal and I love it. Cut everything out of your life that is unhealthy including love ones if you have to. You sobriety is number one because with out it nothing really matters and without sobriety you do not have anything inducing yourself.  

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo