DAY 188 Sober: Holidays Sober

Hello, Friends, Today is 188 days sober, hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I spent the holiday at my aunts in Bakersfield CA. I had so much fun spending time with my loved ones. Thanksgiving use to be filled with bottles of endless wine, whiskey, and beer. I had no cravings, just for the prime rib. I was in the moments. I did miss la a bit and my writing routine but very grateful for the time i spent with my loved ones. Me not drinking did not enter my mind one bit. Sobriety feels freeing, not shackled with all the mind noise, caging me from a good time. If I ever do feel uncomfortable it is important that I surround myself with people who love me so I can excuse myself and I know they would understand. My Sobriety above everything else because without sober I don’t have anything including my family. I would loose all trust I worked so hard to gain.  I live in a state of gratefulness for people letting me back in.

I am now back in LA for two weeks than heading back home to Palm Springs CA for 2-3weeks. Last year around this time I went back home for two weeks and spent a thousand bucks on booze. This time I will be more productive on my long-term goals; I will get a huge chunk of my book finish. Sitting in coffee shops writing also thrift shopping and visiting family. I love to dance, so a nightclub with some amazing friends will be in the works. I am starting to feel peace with being single and learned so much from my past relationship, excited to see what is next. I cannot focus on a relationship at the moment. What is keeping me sober without the mind noise for the holiday is staying in the moments, meeting with my higher power in the morning and my program. Surrounding myself with love and knowing I am an addict and finding peace with that.

Having an addiction to Alcohol is different than any other substance because it is legal; it’s at every dinner table, on signs and billboards. For example, I am a recovering heroin addict and eating dinner with my mom and she orders some heroin and shoots up in front of me. That could be hard for someone in the early weeks of sobriety. The first weeks I was not ready to be around it and I needed to learn to be ok with it in my face, I can’t hide from booze I need to see through the booze. I had to make a new normal that is now the normal.  Sober is the New Black

 

10349944_10152538961926295_2661231498202349342_n

10408724_10152544541961295_2553515064990984982_n

 

This song from The killers Be still, helped me through difficult moments and if there is anyone out there, who might be suffering or having a hard time in sobriety. Hope it helps

DAY 122 Sober: Impossible is Nothing

Hello Friends, today is day 122 sober. This past week has been really busy. I finish my book!!! Going to take a moment and really understand what that means. Yesterday I was in tears most of the day. It is now in editing stages and hopefully out in print at the end of the year. This is a direct result of me being sober. I don’t have sobriety without my higher power and I don’t have my higher power with my sobriety.

 

 I’ve always had a passion for writing and under all the substances I was numbing myself with, it was a dream that was an impossible dream in my mind. What I have learn is impossible is nothing! When you are sober. I don’t have a title yet; I do have one that’s in mind but its still uncertain. It’s a book of sober poems. Some are inspirational and some are a bit dark but it is coming from a real place and I hope it can inspire millions to write and create, I believe everyone has some artistic bone in them. My writings gave me a purpose in my life and I am so grateful. I already have a vision for the next book. I will start it next week,  Most of my life, I’ve been an addict and deprived myself from dreams.  I am now going full force in healing and writing.

 

Last night I was laying in bed, watching a late night film and I’ve not had a craving in over 121 days of sobriety but I had my first craving yesterday. A guy in the film was drinking a beer and my mind said “I want a beer” and it shocked me, to the point of being a bit scared. I know I wont drink ever but the fact that the disease came out and made me feel like I needed a beer made me question my program a bit. I know cravings are a natural occurrence in recovering  addicts, so I let it pass and it did. It passed with in minutes. I just had to remind myself what booze has done in my life. In the past when I would get sober and having a craving, I would tear up but this time I didn’t, I handled it with courage and I was aware that it was the disease and not I; in fact it was the enemy. Its ok to have cravings it will pass. I heard this from a friend in recovery and he said “an alcoholic craving alcohol is not a surprising thing so don’t let it scare you.”  Its funny because I’ve been around booze since I got sober, smelled it etc. but a film did it. No cravings today and very aware of my mind.

 

With that said if there is anyone who is struggling with addiction and is using, I want you to know unimaginable dreams will happen and life will open up doors that will take you into a world of endless possibility. I wrote a book in 121 days of being sober, and you can too! Love you all so very much, this blog and my readers bring me so much joy in my heart and there are not enough words or poems that can express the feeling I have for you guys and girls. Sober is the new black.

 

SOBER is simply the best, TINA TUNRER STYLE. One, of my favorite songs of all time. When I was young I would dance in my undies to all her music. Still kind of do.

 

DAY 69 Sober: New Normal Is Now Normal

Hello friends today is day 69 sober, I love sleeping in on my days off. Letting my mind and body wake up on their own. My mind is usually up first and my body soon follows. Today I will be spending the day with my friend Lenny we are going to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Premiere. I grew up watching the films, TV shows, and playing the video game, Really Excited for this sober fun. I am at home typing on my desk; I am trying to get me used to writing at home. It will save me a lot more time, at night in bed I get inspired but that window is a short one. I was unaware of how many rewrites you have to do when you are writing a book my goal was to be done by tomorrow but I realize that was unrealistic and when its done its done being rewritten than it has to get edited again. Going to rewrite the shit out of it. I feel like the more I rewrite it the more it changes and I am afraid of it becoming lost if that make sense but I have to keep pushing through.

 

 

I have yet to having a craving for whiskey, wine, or beer. Those three were my best friends I counted on them most of the time and they were there at all times. Just because someone or something is there for you doesn’t always mean they have good intentions or is a something that benefits you. My body has been change, I feel I am still sweating out the booze today I woke up and took a walked to the local coffee shop and when I got back in I was a bit sweaty and it smelled like old beer, so nasty. Loneliness in the beginning of your recovery is a very natural thing because I hit rock bottom and everything taken away from me except my mind and higher power. I had to create a new normal and that could be lonely because everything is unfamiliar but this new normal is slowly becoming my normal. I find myself also thinking of my ex Vince less and less.

 

When I do, it’s when I hear a joke that only him and I would get or see something that we both would have laughed at. I can’t wait for him to find that love he deserves. He is such an amazing person and I was incapable at the time to give him what he needed in a partner. I was mentally not fully aware of my issues. I want him to only find the best and don’t settle for anything less. A man that would let him grow and make mistakes like he did for me. Someone who loves Britney spears concerts and that gets up  for an early hike. A man that fits like a glove to his life and goals, a man who has deep love for his friends and family. Someone who forces Vince to be the best he can be everyday and motivates him like he did for me. Someone who looks him in the eyes always and wants to now everything about vince.  I also want to find someone who is a better fit for me. Yesterday I was on my Facebook timeline and saw my old post and how  delusional, in denial and unaware of how bad of shape are relationship was. Kind of like my mother. It crazy because I was a similar version of my parents and today I never been so determine to not end up like them. I have the same blood and addiction but the clear difference is my mind and thoughts! I am a survivor and will not become them.  I wake up and I ask my higher power to guided my shoes in a different path going the opposite direction. I am so grateful because I feel like the ultimate teacher in my life is Addiction that put me into recovery that  forces me to be the best I can be in every moment, it brought me my higher power, it forces me go deep within myself so I can find my core issues, it’s teaching me how to love myself and love others. Its teaching me how to have goals and brought my passion for writing and film back. Its teaching accepting what happens to me and endure pain and to coupe with these feelings inside me. I never had parents to teach me these things but addiction sure has! Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for a clear mind, being a work in progress, and for my readers who take time out of their day to check in on mine. Now that I am sober I am surrounded with so much love only because I am creating love within me for myself!

I know now and understand why Vincent had to leave, he had to save himself and it took a lot of courage and strength. This video below I believe sums it up.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 15 Sober: Surrender

Hello Friends, Today is my 15-day sober and I feel really good. Last night I went over to friend home, beer, wine and champagne was all around and I felt fine. No cravings but I already know if start having those kind of feelings I have to leave. I don’t want to be self-abusive and torture myself for a game night! 

 

Surrendering is a big part of getting sober the last few attempts at trying to stay sober was not successful because I thought I can do it on my own by not drinking but you have to surrender to a higher power to help deal with your issues and help guide you. Whatever you consider higher power in your life…For the past 3 years I really wanted to be done with drinking I prayed, hoped, kept working and trying, believed in my heart that I was done but I did not see a clear path but I knew in my heart that I wanted to live an amazing life. I had to hit rock bottom so all I had was my higher power and myself. On May 24 I saw a clear path and surrendered it all. 

 

The universe has plans for every human on this planet. When you work as hard, done as much as you can, strive, hope, given, Tried, bargain, pleaded, just SURRENDER. When you have done all you can do and there is nothing left for you to do! Give it up to the universe and let it become a part of the flow of the universe. I wanted to be sober so bad and tried everything! Everything! So on may 24 I surrendered it to the universe and in that second it clicked Sober is new the black. The universe has bigger dreams for us then we can dream on are own. The universe carved a clear path for me. Once I accepted the truth and surrender it I started to write and this blog was born. I feel in my soul and bones this blog is a catalyst for something great in my life that I might be unaware now. I just have to be sober, live in my truth, believe in high power that I understand it to be and surrender to it. 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

DAY 3 Sober: End Of Day

 Today Has been an Amazing day. No cravings at all..You can still have a great time Sober. There was beer around me but i stayed focus on my long term goal. I used to focus only on my short terms goals which consist of booze, sex, tv, work, bars, and eating. It was a cycle, of course we need short term goals but i never had long term goals… I was very Stagnant in my own pity. What happens to a river that is stagnant?  Every living, breathing, beautiful thing dies. We humans should not be stagnant in are lives. We should flow like a river constant growth, having long term goals, Always changing and evolving into something greater.

I am 28 but really i am only as old as how many days i am sober so that makes 3 days, it makes sense because now i have to learn how to have fun sober, love sober, be a good friend sober, drive sober, deal with my shit sober, let go sober, forgive sober. I did not have much time to reflect back on my childhood Maybe i just kinda pushed it off because it was a very dark place. I blocked it all out with substance, fear, instant gratifications, Sex, Junk food, and shopping.

I had really bad Anxiety at really young age, since i could remember.  People always say you are not your past but i do believe it affects how you see the world today, its how you judge people, its how you treat yourself, its how you others. Its that road rage you get when you are driving..how dare you cut me off!!!!! Has everything to do with that 4 year old getting beaten…Are parents train us how to treat are selfs but whats amazing is we have the power to change… My family has a lot of addiction disorders, from meth, alcohol, weed, etc. So hopefully i can break that cycle..  See i was scared of everything as a child. Fear of Wind, Fear of choking on food, Fear of getting beat, Fear of being homeless, Fear of heights… My parents put that fear in me at a very young age before i can even speak i knew fear.  As i got older my Fears evolve into Fear of  change, Fear of  loneliness, Fear of not fitting in, Fear of my partner cheating on me. Every time someone is around me in a bad mood i just assume its because of me. I Cant blame my parents, I blame myself  for allowing my parents actions affect me into my adulthood.  

So i know i have a long ways to go but i am going to take it day by day sometimes even min by min… But right now at this moment i am grateful for this bed i am about to pass out in and of course being 3 almost 4 days sober. Thanks again for all the support, I never though in my wildest dreams i would have all this love. 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo