Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 26, 2014

Posted under

DAY 34 Sober: Pushing Through, Sober Hangover

Comments

2 Comments

DAY 34 Sober: Pushing Through

Hello Friends today is day 34 sober and so far it’s been an amazing day. So I started my list of childhood traumas but it ended up being a more like a bio. I did not realize how much feelings would resurface. I got this extreme hurt and anger so I had to stop for the day, going to push through and continue later on. My goal in writing down my childhood is not trying to understand my parents or rationalize my parents behavior, my purpose is to go back and try to comfort that 3year old and to let him know its ok to let go and to move on. I am not trying to see my childhood from the perspective of my parents or brothers. I am just writing down how I felt at that moment and what I Experience. It might be a hard read for people and especially for my family but I need to be broken open to let it all out than to heal. After I am done I will meditate to find healing and peace. I know there is no rush but I’ve been with this hurt and anger for the past 28 years and I do not want to wasted any more time with it! I lived my whole childhood in fear with good reason but there is no need for me to live in fear now. I will post it when its finish. 

 

This weekend is going to be an amazing one. My stepmother who also happens to be my best friend is coming out with my brother. We always have a blast and she is the person that knows everything about me and I can confide in.  Food, Shopping and great conversations is what we have planned.  We even got matching tattoos. There have been a few people in my life that’s been with me on my journey the whole time, my stepmother is one of them we are close in age and we have some much in common from music to the way we think, and are humor. I eventually would love to have the same relationship with my real father and mother but ok if it doesn’t happen. After all I’ve been through I still have deep love for them. 

 

So tonight will be a rare social night for me. Some friends and I will be renting a room for karaoke. I used to hate karaoke because it would be at a bar in front of a bunch of people. In Koreatown you can rent rooms with some friends and sing your heart out. It’s more personal and intimate. Today I am grateful for 34 days of clear mindedness and the courage to change. I know it gets easier all I have to do is not drink. 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 25, 2014

Posted under

Sober Stage

Comments

3 Comments

DAY 33 Sober: Lady GaGa “Dope”

Hello friends today is day 33 sober and I am sitting at a cafe near my apartment on a hot day inn LA. I moved from Koreatown to near downtown area. I don’t mind it but do miss all my little spots.  I came across this song last night Lady GaGa “Dope” and it was really good. It reminds me that Alcohol-ISM hurts tons of people involved and I need to stay focus on my long term go and heal. Im about to start the list in a moment. Here are some amazing lyrics and what I think they mean. This song is for everyone Ive hurt because of my Alcohol-ISM disorder! Family, friends,and loved ones

 

“The party’s just begun / I promise this / This drink is my last one / I know that I f–ked up again / Because I lost my only friend.”

Her habits and addictions caused her to lose something more special and more important than dope, like her relationship, friends, or family

 

“My heart would break without you / Might not awake without you / Been hurting low, from living high for so long / I’m sorry, and I love you / Sing with me / ‘Bell Bottom Blue’ / I’ll keep searching for an answer cause I need you more than dope.”

” Bell bottom blue” is an Eric Clapton and Derek and the Dominos reference

“One last puff / And two last regrets / Three spirits  / And 12 lonely steps / Up heaven’s stairway to gold… / Oh, I feel so low from living high.”

indulges one last time in drink and drugs, and hits that path to recovery. She’s already feeling the effects of withdrawal and she’s not stoked about letting go of her dependencies, because they are tough to kick and they do provide a chemical comfort. But sometimes, you just gotta. To us, it sounds like she is facing the prospect of letting go of something powerful — be it dope or love. Perhaps this is her final kiss with her lover.

 


Stay connect with love,  Adolfo

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 25, 2014

Posted under

DAY 33 Sober: Cleansing the Soul, Sober Hangover

Comments

Leave a comment

DAY 33 Sober: Cleansing the Soul

Hello friends, today is day 33 sober! I am feeling grateful and A bit tired. I have to be up at 340am and I am a night person. Hopefully, soon ill be a morning person. So my goal for this week is to make a list of traumas that occurred in my childhood and adulthood. I am going to try and connect the dots from my traumas to my thought patterns and feelings. I do believe my childhood molded me into an Alcoholic; my parents are also addicts in recovery. My grandfather passed form Alcoholism and some of my brothers are currently struggling with substance abuse issues. So I do not know if its genetics, learn patterns from are elders and ancestors, or traumas, maybe all three? 

 

I am also going to make a list of things I’ve done to others and to myself that caused pain and suffering, I also need to let those out. This will be a process and will tale sometime but I am excited to start doing the work. I am also terrified because I blocked out a lot of my childhood so what I need to do is meditate and ask my mind, heart and soul to help me see and connections like a form of Shamanism, one of the oldest spiritual practices. For the past couple of years I’ve been reading about Shamanism, I know there are different forms of it. Some use a shaman and some use hallucinogens (I defiantly wont be).  I’ve never done it before but it seems to connect with me. If it doesn’t work then I will find another, I wont be discourage. Shamanism is a practice that involves a practitioner reaching Altered States of consciousness in order to encounter and interact with the spirit world and channel these transcendental energies into this world, Sounds a bit much but in human words to Meditate and ask my spirit guides to help me connect and find the dots so I can cleanse. Shamanism beliefs are when someone has a Traumas in their life it creates a whole in their soul and we feel it up with whatever makes us feel great, booze, sex, coffee, working out etc. The objective is to become whole not perfect. So once you become aware through meditation, you cleanse the holes in your soul than you are left with just open holes you have to heal by grief, acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, letting go and eventually you become whole for the moment because traumas will happen again so you start again. 

First I need to make that list so after a good nap Ill get to work starting with my childhood it wont be easy but its necessary for my recovery and for me to stay Sober, Alcoholism is a catalyst for finding the real Adolfo

Stay connect with love , Adolfo

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 24, 2014

Posted under

DAY 32 Sober: False Identity, Sober Hangover

Comments

3 Comments

DAY 32 Sober: False Identity

Hello friends today is my 32 days sober and I am very grateful! The Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) has been very persistent when it comes to my feelings one minute I am happy and the next I am sad. The Alcohol-ISM is feeding my mind of thoughts that consist of the past. I need to realize that the person in the past was never I, It was a false Identity created by my past and the booze! It doesn’t make the pain I caused people any less or me not taking responsibility for what I’ve done but the person that I was 32 days age was not me one bit.

I am still evolving and learning at the moment. I used to worry that other people might judge or still view me as that person but that was a false Identity, false character. That was never really I. Those actions would have never happen if I were sober. So knowing that helps me let go of the guilt and shame that is necessary to grow into the person that has always been inside of you and me. It takes work to not let the Alcohol-ISM Take over your thoughts and mind but once you become aware that the voice in your head is not you, not only that but that the voice wants to destroy everything great in your life than it becomes easier to detect and when its easier to detect then you shut it down. So the real you can blossom into your true identity. 

So what causes a false Identity? I believe that their two aspects of false Identity. First the childhood than its how we process traumas in is life. What happens in the outside world affects us on the inside. It creates are opinions, are beliefs, are judgments, how we treat are self’s and others. How we value stuff over other stuff. What we look for in people. Why we get angry, why we get sad and jealous. What makes us feel good? What creates pleasure? 

So for me to evolve and grow I have to go back and connect the dots from my childhood and trauma too my thoughts. I have to make a list of the childhood trauma, adult trauma, what I’ve down wrong, and my thoughts that create feelings that hurt.  write them down and once I connect the dots put them on a self because it might resurface if I didn’t heal correctly. I know I cant heal it all in one day so the ones I cant connect at the moment I leave them on the list because one day Ill see that path and pattern.  I am grateful for 32 days sober and for everybody taking time to read my blog.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 23, 2014

Posted under

DAY 31 Sober: Loved and Loneliness, Sober Hangover

Comments

1 Comment

DAY 31 Sober: Loved and Loneliness

Hello Friends today is 31 days sober and I am so grateful for all the love I am getting from all over the world.  31 days ago I started Sober is the New Black and I did not expect this level of  support and love. I wake up excited for life and its hard me to fall asleep because life has been so amazing. I do have my moments of weakness were the Alcoholism comes out and tells me a sad story, the story is not one from childhood but its one from my last relationship. Its feeds me fear and thoughts of him with some else. My Alcohol-ISM puts thoughts in my head like what if I do this. In consumes my thoughts for a while causing me pain that is felt so deep it physical. 

 

So what I am realizing is I need to go back and self dissect my childhood starting with the beginning and connect the dots to my thoughts today. It will be hard but I need to free myself from the story of my profound misfortunate childhood. Breaks up are hard but also getting clean from addiction at the same time is kind of unbearable at times but what has helped me so much has been this blog, the support, being grateful, positive thoughts, and knowing the only love I need in life is the love for myself than love from others will follow.

 

Yesterday was so amazing at the same time it was very hard because I wanted to celebrate with a particular person but I couldn’t. Not sure why I wanted to spend it with him, Maybe I just wanted a hug or to feel someone else, it’s been awhile.  I am told old for a fling and I am attractive to connection over anything else but I think the reason for me wanting to spend yesterday with this one person is of course I miss him and still love him but I want him to get to know me and my heart now that I am in a amazing place. And maybe get some redemption. Kind of ironic I had so much love and support but still felt extreme loneliness. Yesterday I realized I still need to heal from the break up and from certain childhood trauma’s that make me feel such loneliness. So the next 30 days I will be going deep into the childhood trauma to reflect, connect the dots and heal!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 22, 2014

Posted under

DAY 30 Sober: Film and an Oscar, Sober Hangover

Comments

4 Comments

DAY 30 Sober: Film and an Oscar

Hello Friends today has been such an amazing 30 DAY sober! I have so much love and support around me! I am so grateful! Sober is the new black for me. Today I filled my day with Film and writing both things I love so much. I also bought myself a gift to keep my eyes on the prize of sobriety. I bought a Best Actor Oscar because I believe in my heart one day ill have one. I am going to put it on my shelf  so every time I leave my house I see my long term goal. For my 3o days I get an oscar!!!!

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

My first Oscar!

My first Oscar!

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

June 22, 2014

Posted under

DAY 30 Sobers: 720hrs43200min2592000sec, Sober Hangover

Comments

3 Comments

DAY 30 Sober: 720hrs43200min2592000sec

PicShells

Hello friends today I’ve been one month Sober, 30days, 720hrs, 43,200mins and 2,592,ooo seconds  and I am so proud of myself this past month has thought me so much about myself. I feel like I have evolved so much. I really have no plans on how to spend the day; I slept in quite a bit. I might go watch a film. I kind of want to celebrate each 30 days, maybe with small treats and sometimes-big parties! Today I woke up a bit sad, I was dreaming of my old life, they weren’t of me drinking but of great times, maybe that’s why I stayed asleep for so long.  I’ve been getting my apartment organize and its almost finish, in the process I have to unpack all old memories pictures, birthday cards, tree ornaments, journals, and gifts.

 

This was my first real relationship so I am not sure what to throw out. I don’t want to throw out my journals but most them have writings about Vince, maybe ill just hide them until I am 100 percent. I only allow myself a few moments of sadness because it takes away from the possibilities from this moment right now! I need to focus on my new normal; its still ok and healthy to still grief the old life you have to move on but do not let it take away the whole day. Today is my 30 days and that’s a huge deal, the 30 days this time around means more because I did it from the bottom. I never had been so low.

 

So I love me some Stan Lee so X men: Days of Future past it is. I’ve wanted to see this film for the longest time now and today is a perfect day to treat myself and maybe a steak too. Alcohol-ISM never goes away so I have to really be on my game especially when I’m having not a 100 percent day because that’s when the Alcohol-ISM really comes out and really wants you to use. Life will give you moments that you don’t understand, do not agree with and will cause some pain and for me I need a game plan on how to handle those days in a healthy way because I am an addict and will always be. 

Today I feel gratefulness, joy, a bit sad, centered, self aware, and lonely. Thank you everyone who has been following my journey into sobriety its been scary at times and a form of my own therapy. To the next 30 days. Hope everybody enjoys there Sunday!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo