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July 27, 2014

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DAY 65 Sober: A Coffee Shop Boy, Sober Hangover

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DAY 65 Sober: A Coffee Shop Boy

Hello friends, today is day 65 sober, yesterday when I left work I was headed to write but felt sick  and started to get hives. So I decided it was best to head home. I jump in bed at 5pm and woke up today at 11pm, no work. I woke up a few moments in the early am hours to rummage in my fridge for a quick bite, which consisted of peanut butter and pretzels. I feel fine today and the hives are almost gone. Growing up I always got hives and shingles due to stress. I am now at a Boba coffee shop in Koreatown it’s my new favorite spot. It rained a bit today in Los Angeles, which is weird for July. This coffee shop has the best coffee and some great eye candy. This is the second time coming here and I walked in and this boy was standing behind the counter and I was focus on looking for my debit card but when I looked up, I was stunned by his physical appearance, sweat started to pour down my face and I was flush red. He did not have a name tag but I haven’t felt that way in a longtime since Vince, I would always get nervous around him. Even at the end. I will appreciate the physical beauty of a man but will only act when I feel that inner connection that I want. I do wonder what he thought seeing me get all flustered, I know he notice my weirdness, he probably thought man that guy must have workout or man he sweats a lot. Well it was raining so that could have saved me. Ok I need to focus as he’s working right in front of me. I can give you a play by play but this post can’t be all about a beautiful coffee shop guy.

 

On the way to this coffee shop I was sitting on the metro tuning into peoples conversation and what I heard is a lot of dislike about life, which is valid points because I don’t walk their steps but it got me thinking about myself. I need to be a lot more aware of words I put out into the universe. I am not a negative person but I am not perfect and can always be better. At work I tend to speak out about stuff I don’t like, when I do that then I am not living in a state of gratefulness. I should always say what I love about life or always see the sliver lining. Like I can be waiting for the bus, its hot and I am tired, instead of saying it or let my emotions get tied up in the thoughts I can think or say thank you higher power for this sober ride home and thank you for this job that have that I can live comfortably with and still have some leftovers for my fun. As I get to sober and get to know me, I am finding some amazing awesomeness but also I finding cracks that have been harden from long term self abuse and outer abuse that need to be heal and it starts with my thoughts and thinking. I get millions of thoughts a day and that’s ok and some might be negative and that’s ok but they key is not letting the negative thoughts affects my emotions, words and my attitude of the moment. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for my inner beauty, beauty in life and this beautiful coffee shop boy. Landon Pigg “Falling in love at a coffee shop” is a perfect song for this moment.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

 

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June 29, 2014

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DAY 37 Sober: True love will find you in the End, Sober Hangover

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DAY 37 Sober: True love will find you in the End

Hello friends today is day 37 sober and it has been an incredible weekend. My best friend, stepmother has left back home it was nice talking to her and spending a couple days laughing, eating and talking. My bother nick also came down he just graduated high school and is on his way to finding himself, he is very old fashion and has a great heart.  They both have been very supportive in me getting sober. I have four other brothers 3 out of 5 brothers struggle with substance abuse I am one of them. So today as I was in the shower I was thinking about how prevalent addiction is in my family. Grandfather (addict) father (addict) myself and two brothers (addicts). That’s just part of the family tree. It’s something I have to keep in mind this family pattern/addiction needs to end with me so my kids and their kids wont have this horrible mental disorder in their life. I need to evolve, create a new life, and start new traditions so they wont suffer like I did. Change not just for me but also for the future Vasquez boys.   

 

This is the first time I am all alone living life. I’ve always lived with family or a boyfriend. Its freeing and also its giving me the necessary time to find myself… Everyday I am sober things are becoming clearer especially my 3 year relationship. Nothing Vince did really bother me his Grouchiness, the way he liked things to be; he liked things to be setup his way. He never really wanted to do stuff I enjoyed doing like bowl, concerts,  goodwill etc.  He wasn’t open to letting the Relationship flow.  He also never wanted to join me back home in Palm Springs. He did not want to meet any of my friends or meet any of my new family members. At times he was closed off, pushed me away, cold, not interested. In the beginning of the relationship he would always tell me he was unsure if we should be together (There’s a point to all this, not trying to bash Vince at all) He would also ignore me a few days each month and Then after the 3 days he would say sorry but it would happen again a month later, He would tell me it was an issue within himself which is fair we all have issues. I would call it his monthly period. With all that I did not care. I focus on the amazing stuff. When you are in relationship you have to let the other person evolve and change into the person they will become and let them learn from Lessons of life on their own (I HATE THE WORD MISTAKES BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING). My love was pure and strong because I saw past that dislikes and saw the likes.  I saw his heart, his smile, loved his laugh.

 

It’s clear to me now that he would have left me sober or drunk. He just was not happy with are relationship. Maybe he was also unhappy with himself. His idea of what he wanted in a partner wasn’t me. We both wanted different things and enjoyed different things in life. My Addiction just made it easier so we can part. No one else lived in the apartment expect Vince and I. The main difference is I would have met him halfway but he wasn’t ever willing to but that’s ok or maybe he did with certain things this is just me writing how I feel at the moment. I hope he finds a better fit and I hope I find a better fit. We are only on earth for a short period of time. No matter what, Vince has been a huge part of my life and he might not be in my life physically but he will always be in my heart like an imprint and the lessons he thought me will guided me into a new sober life.  Sober is the New Black. True love will find us in the End we just have to be open to it and not let the past confuse us! Leaving you guys with a song that was playing in the Koreatown coffee shop. Its kind of perfect for this post! Beck true love will find you in the end

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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June 22, 2014

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DAY 30 Sobers: 720hrs43200min2592000sec, Sober Hangover

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DAY 30 Sober: 720hrs43200min2592000sec

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Hello friends today I’ve been one month Sober, 30days, 720hrs, 43,200mins and 2,592,ooo seconds  and I am so proud of myself this past month has thought me so much about myself. I feel like I have evolved so much. I really have no plans on how to spend the day; I slept in quite a bit. I might go watch a film. I kind of want to celebrate each 30 days, maybe with small treats and sometimes-big parties! Today I woke up a bit sad, I was dreaming of my old life, they weren’t of me drinking but of great times, maybe that’s why I stayed asleep for so long.  I’ve been getting my apartment organize and its almost finish, in the process I have to unpack all old memories pictures, birthday cards, tree ornaments, journals, and gifts.

 

This was my first real relationship so I am not sure what to throw out. I don’t want to throw out my journals but most them have writings about Vince, maybe ill just hide them until I am 100 percent. I only allow myself a few moments of sadness because it takes away from the possibilities from this moment right now! I need to focus on my new normal; its still ok and healthy to still grief the old life you have to move on but do not let it take away the whole day. Today is my 30 days and that’s a huge deal, the 30 days this time around means more because I did it from the bottom. I never had been so low.

 

So I love me some Stan Lee so X men: Days of Future past it is. I’ve wanted to see this film for the longest time now and today is a perfect day to treat myself and maybe a steak too. Alcohol-ISM never goes away so I have to really be on my game especially when I’m having not a 100 percent day because that’s when the Alcohol-ISM really comes out and really wants you to use. Life will give you moments that you don’t understand, do not agree with and will cause some pain and for me I need a game plan on how to handle those days in a healthy way because I am an addict and will always be. 

Today I feel gratefulness, joy, a bit sad, centered, self aware, and lonely. Thank you everyone who has been following my journey into sobriety its been scary at times and a form of my own therapy. To the next 30 days. Hope everybody enjoys there Sunday!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo 

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June 18, 2014

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DAY 26 Sober: Goodbye Vincent, Sober Hangover

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DAY 26 Sober: Goodbye Vincent

Day 26 Sober, Last night was an amazing experience, I was able to attended LA Film Festival. I saw a film called uncertain terms; it was witty, emotionally charged film. Its about a pregnant girl name Robbie moves to a group home of young pregnant girls, Robbie starts having a relationship with the maintenance man while still with her immature baby daddy. There is a birthday scene where it’s a bunch of underage pregnant girls dancing to Khia “My Neck, my back”. Probably this best film for me so far this year…I have a few days left, so ill have to decide at the end.

 

 

Yesterday I was able to sit with Vince for about 30 minutes before his event, we had a conversation that needed to happen, so I can start taking the necessary steps to a healthy me. My love for him is really great but I need to hear in Vincent voice that there is no future between us, he mentioned it before but I wasn’t ready to hear it, I was last night. When you caused the break up there is always a feeling of trying to fix what you have done wrong, trying to make up for the wounded. I do have some pain that lingers but it will last for a while mixed with missing him, I sometimes get confused between still in love or missing him. Maybe it is both, it feels like a death, you are fine one moment then with in seconds you are in tears. I believe Vincent was my soul mate the minute I met him I dropped everything so I can be around him all the time. He brought me closer to myself at the sacrifice of his heart. What I’ve learn in the process is that we all have more than one soul mate in are lifetime because we are constant evolving humans that change so Vince was my soul mate that I needed at this time in my life because the universe gave me what I needed to evolve so now that I am evolving and becoming a new person it opens me up to a new soul mate. I do sometimes wonder, what if I had met Vince today with such clarity in mind and heart. In my head in vision growing old with him, the whole sitting in rockers on the porch, me putting up with his grouchiness, as he gets older and bald. Taking care of him as he ages unless I age horrible first. It’s a dream that I have to let go and that is the hardest part because my actions caused this dream to no longer be a possibility but without getting it taken away I wouldn’t be here sober. As I get older I realize some greatness in ones life can cause such deep pain, you have to endure. The pain is so deep it becomes a physical disability but I have to let go. Let go. Vince and I both suffered great losses. We both are equally amazing and we both created lessons to be learned. I don’t believe in mistakes. I was an amazing boyfriend that happens to have an addiction but when I was sober for brief times I was a pretty great, I am sure Vince will agree. As I am writing my heart isn’t broken but bruised. Time, positive thinking and being sober has helped heal me a bit. I still have a long ways to go.

 

 

Yesterday seeing Vince brought out that schoolgirl in me. I was a so nervous, butterflies in my stomach, when I saw him some air left my lungs, I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to just look into those brown eyes and be in the moment because I knew in my heart at that moment it would be the last time I see him with this intense love. So I wanted to enjoy that moment. The break up was not just between Vince and myself the break up was between families, friends, the future plans, Magnolia. We broke up in November and didn’t tell family until weeks later and when we did tears flow through their eyes.

 

I cant help get sappy its like an end of an amazing chapter or era of my life, A graduation into a new Adolfo. This is a goodbye letter to my relationship. You see I always in vision Vince and I walking down the aisle because we both couldn’t decide who was the girl, in a forest. I also in vision Anne, Maju, Summer, Rachel, Luisa standing next to Vince while I have one person maybe on my side. I need to let this out into the universe because this is no longer the reality. I have to accept, grief and let go of this dream because the universe has a bigger dream for me that I cant see or even see the path at moment but I know the path exists.

 

 This wonderful soul brought so much love and growth into my life. I want him to know his love saved me from a bleak future that was not going to end well. Vince was the single most influential person because of him I will stay Sober and with being sober now I can live. I also want him to know that my love for him was pure just clouded a bit. I lied but I also loved so hard, laughed, accepted him for everything, loved every part of his body. I was pretty much perfect except for the drinking and lying… never cheated or hit. Never really looked at anyone else in sexual way. You were the one for me kid. Glad I was for you too for that moment.

 

 I will be more than fine; I will be sober not just from alcohol but also from the past, hurt, and guilt, ashamed, from loss. Hopefully once he heals from the betrayal I caused (that’s even if he wants to heal) or learn to trust me again. I can look at you and you look at me with no pain and hurt and we both can sit and you get to fully experience the Adolfo you seen in me the whole time…. I am going to also release this song out to the universe it was supposed to be are first dance/wedding song.

 

 

Goodbye Vince, Elf, Soul mate, Dream, Teacher, Amazing photographer, Best friend, Grouch!

 

 

Stay connect with love, A bruised Adolfo…. 

 

 

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June 8, 2014

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Day 16 Sober: A Sober kid with a Broken heart, Sober Hangover

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Day 16 Sober: A Sober kid with a Broken heart

 

Day 16 sober and loving life. I am in Downtown LA at grand central market. It is such a beautiful day, people watching and enjoying a Macchiato. I am trying to start living in space were I do what I want and stop doing things I don’t want to do. Of course I have to clean my apartment and pay bills but I want to enjoy life in every moment and always be doing something I love doing, as long as its healthy and I stay sober.

 

I have not spoke out or talked to anyone really about March 5, that night was a huge learning lesson for me. It’s very uncomfortable for me to speak about it but its necessary for my healing and this will be last time I speak about it.  Know need relive a moment that still is affecting Vince and myself.  Here we go….

             

                                                ACT ONE: The Incident

I left sober living on March 2 at that time I had already relapse in sober living and know one knew. I got my apartment keys on the 2nd and I was on my way to my rock bottom. I was in a really bad place. My mind was filled with thoughts like Vince and I are done forever. Every person I consider a friend was gone. My family wasn’t in LA so I had no one to cry to. All I had was my infected mind, booze and a very thin sleeping topper from a bed. At the time I did not realize I was in that place because all the choices I made. Going to back up a bit, A few days before I had gotten drunk at Beer Belly and franks n hanks my frequent local bars close to my old apartment. I still had the keys to my old apartment so I was wasted and didn’t want to drive to my new apartment so in the middle of the night I decided to crash at my old place without Vince permission. I just missed home and want my old life back in selfish way. So I open the door crash on the couch and Vince was pissed! So pissed he took my keys away and I am glad he did…. So back to march 4, I went to yard house with a friend. I was pre drinking before we went to yard house. At yard house I had around 70 ounces of IPA Green Flash beer. My friend had to leave and I stayed behind. I got a call for a new job offer that I was so excited about so I called Vince to let him know and of course I sounded drunk and so he called me out. When I get drunk I turn into someone else, I blackout. I say horrible things to people and get very mean. I had never hit anyone and never acted out my threats. So we argued and I don’t remember much, drunk texting. Finally I decided to drive to Vince. Not sure why? all I know is I wanted to be on that couch. I get to the apartment and banged on the door and he wouldn’t answer, don’t remember what I said but it lasted for a while. I did make a threat saying I would bash his windows in. I also tried to get in from the window in the alley.  So he didn’t answer and my drunken infected mind decided to pull the fire alarm so he had to get out. So I did. Vince never came out so it made even more drunkenly stupid So for the first time in my alcoholism I acted on my threat and keyed Vincent car. I then left home.

 

 

                                                ACT TWO: Repercussions

The next day I woke up with this extreme guilt and shame I had never felt before. I did not speak to anyone the next couple of days expect Vince and his mother. If I did not loose Vince before I sure did then. My horrible decision put me in front a judge and got me a 3-year restraining order. I paid for the car to get fix and I still did not get it at the time.  I continued to drink afterwards. I was still extremely heart broken, my mind was still infected with those negative thoughts and booze was the only consistent thing in my life at the time. This was my first break up and I didn’t know how to endure pain and to grief in a healthy way added with an addiction. Break ups and addiction are really hard to come out of at the same time. I went Amanda Bynes, Lohan, Brittney melt down crazy fueled by addiction.

 

                                         FINAL ACT: Lesson

Now that I am sober I can look back and find a lesson in it all, I couldn’t at the time but I know in my heart everything had to happen to get me here at this moment writing.

 I had to meet Vince to get me to LA and call me out on my mental disorder and shine a spotlight on my issue, show me real love, show me what life can be like, and to fight my battle because at the time I couldn’t. Vince at the time saw something in me, something great that I couldn’t see at the time. Buried under all my pain he saw a bright light. So he did everything he could so that light can shine out but vince fought so hard, he couldn’t anymore. I had to get caught drinking again so Vince can kick me out so I can end up in sober living because that’s were I found an AA called primetime that planted a seed in my mind that made me realize it was a mental disorder and body disorder called ISM. I had to get to my own place to hit rock bottom and to make a mistake so big that the universe took everything away so I had to evolve. I Caused the universe to take everything away because I did not want to start doing my work and living my truth. My choices caused all this to happen. The reason why I was in that dark place is because I allowed my mental disorder to take over my mind.

 

I now realize, my amazing family and friends never left, they have always been there but I AM THE ONE WHO ALLOWED MY MENTAL DISORDER TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I pushed them away. I have always been surrounded by love but was mentally incapable and disabled to see it, understand it, feel it, appreciate love, Nurture my love Vince; I wasn’t able to fully connect with friends, family. But this had to happen so I can truly learn how too. As a young kid growing up I was never given the tools to deal with life.  I am not perfect now and don’t want to be I do however want to be whole and a better me. I will work really hard to achieve it. I cant go back in time and I am sure I have put a bad taste in peoples mouth but right now at this moment I cant focus on those people I can only focus on myself healing, staying sober, letting go and building relationships with the ones who are in my life now.

 

Vince I see the light now and it is shining so bright it causes tears of joy. I want you to know if it wasn’t for you and your love I would have died. I can now experience the life I have always deserved. The lesson is Sober is my new black.  Everything I have ever needed was already inside of me waiting for me to see it, feel it and let it flow through me into the universe. Thanks ELF!

 

“Somewhere beyond right and wrong there is a garden, Ill meet you there”

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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June 3, 2014

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DAY 11 Sober: Love Letter To Magnoila, Sober Hangover

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DAY 11 Sober: Love Letter to Magnolia

Hello world! Today is day 11 and I am feeling so inspired and enjoying each moment of being alive. No cravings today and I am so focus on staying sober. I just left my Ex apartment we had a great talk. I was there to pick up our dog Magnolia ashes. Ill  be keeping her until we decided if we are going to scatter her ashes. 

This blog will be the hardest to write, I can’t get through a word without another tear, I am in this pack coffee shop and I don’t care if people think I am crazy.

I grew up always having dogs; they were my comfort, love, and companion in my childhood, always there to greet me with love know matter what. My family should not have had dogs but in a selfish way I am glad we did.  My parents never really took great care of are dogs, they slept outside, never went to the vet and when they got sick they had to get better on there own or died. It was very traumatize, as a child to make us give away are dogs.  One time we got evicted and we left snuggles in the house with a bunch of food and water and never went back. I still hear her cry till this very day. I believe the neighbor ended up saving her. Snuggles was my best friend in middle school but my mom couldn’t and wouldn’t let me take her. I remember being so young and driving in a dark neighborhood at night with my mom ex and leaving a dog and driving off as I scream and cry. That kind of shit sticks with a kid and that pain is still is painful. I was a kid, I wish I could saved all my best friends from my parents horrible choices…I am sure they have already passed on and I hope they all know how important they were  to me and how I wish I could have given them the best because they gave me so much.

So when I got older I promise myself that I would make up for all the wrongs my parents have done to my best friends. I want to be a good father in the name of all my dogs, we had at least 10 dogs my whole childhood.  So the minute I moved to LA I wanted a dog, I begged my Ex for two years for a dog but he would budge. rightfully so,  he also wanted to give are son/daughter a great life. We fostered dog are first  2 years, which was so fun but also hard giving up the fosters… especially lucky.

Then one rainy day on Jan 24 2013 we decided to visit a shelter and I knew this was it! I finally get my best friend and make up for all those things. We saw a few dogs and came across this 8yearold Aussie shepherd mix. She looked up at us and we both knew she was the one.  Her name at the time was Chrissy and we were informed she was returned 3 times after being adopted. Vince and I (I keep saying EX but his name is Vince) knew she was the one. We named her Magnolia because we had previous talked about are first child would be name Magnolia and she was are first. Magnolia is a street in Burbank that Vince and I had our first date on. We picked her up the following day because we had to prepare for her arrival, I was so excited!!!!!!

 

Then the big day arrived, Jan 25.  We brought her home and she was the best!! She never barked.  That next day I had to travel to palm springs but the whole time I wanted to come back to this family I have always dreamed about.  When I arrived home I notice she was breathing a bit funny and thought it was normal or a cold but it didn’t go away so I made an appointment with a vet.  I remembered Vince staying home and I took her to get checked. Magnolia hated the vet and she was so nervous but I was hugging and kissing her the whole time. So the vet takes her away and does x-rays and blood work.  when she brought maggie back the doctor face said it all. She had lung cancer that was like stage 5 and had spread everywhere with lots of tumors. She told me we can do chemo but Maggie insurance didn’t kick in yet.  I was crying the whole way home and I knew I would have to deliver really bad news to my love, I remember Vince lying down in bed when I told him the news. We both started to cry. This was my chance to finally give a good home to my dog and the universe was taking her away so soon.  So Vince and I decided to get her on a form of chemo right away that can help her breath and we made an appointment for a cancer specialist. Through all of this Maggie was such a good girl!!!!!! She would howl a bit if we left her alone but everything we ever wanted in a dog she was that and more. She was always a happy dog and hated walks. She never liked toys but love peanut butter. She kind of reminded me of Vince. Maggie started to have uncontrollable bowl movements so we took her to see the cancer specialist the next day.  They said they had to run some test on her before they can make game plan. It was going to take a couple hours and a couple grand. So we decided to go grab some lunch, 15 min after we left for lunch the doctor called us saying to come back, I knew in my heart it wasn’t good. We get their and basically told we should put her to sleep. That was the worst feeling knowing there isn’t nothing we can do. So we left with Maggie and we had to go buy diapers and I bought her a rotisserie chicken. Vince and I knew she hated the vet so we talked about having vet come out to us and put her down in her bed; we wanted her last moments on earth to be in her bed.  She hated the diaper so her last night I took it off and she kept licking herself so I stayed up all night holding a wet cloth to her behind to comfort her. So the next day I had to run an errand and Vince called me saying Maggie is hiding in the closet we have to put her down like now. I wanted to wait till the evening. I hurried home.

 

Maggie was in the closet.   The vet came and told us its going to be two injections one will put her in a numb state than the next one would send her off to her next chapter. We put Maggie song on City and Colour: The girl. Vince hold her hand kissing her and I was kissing her head rubbing it saying I love you in her ear as the second injection with in….

 

Magnolia passed on March 4 2013, little over a month of coming into are lives. She passed quietly in her bed surrounded by love.

Magnolia came into are life so Vince and I can give her an exit she deserves. I don’t know her past but I know it wasn’t what she deserved but I believe are month of love erased it all. I am glad Vince and I was able to give that and I am so thankful I had Vince to share that journey with. Magnolia was a fighter, and she fought so hard. It inspires me on a daily basis to fight this battle of addictions. I Know Maggie is on the other side cheering me on and guiding me on the right path to being sober.

 

Magnolia was one of the most amazing souls I’ve come into contact with. I am glad she saw me sober most of the time but I do wish she would have experience the clear-minded Adolfo but I know she does from the other side. Maggie where ever you are I want you to know you did great things in this life and brought so much joy and love to a lot of people who came in contact with you. You gave me strength, hope, love and courage to fight every day to become who I want to be.  You really adopt me .. There is really know others words that I can say except I love you, I love you , I love you… RIP My daughter until we meet again. 

My daugther

My daugther