Hello Friends its the end of day 65 sober, I am currently in bed and usually this is the time I reflect on myself. Forgiving myself is probably the hardest part of my recovery. I know I cant go back and prevent the tears, fears, anger, loss of people time. The court dates, the keying of the car, the drunken threats. The heartbreaks, the drunken fights, the lying, the deceitfulness, the not caring, the selfishness, the un-ability to see love and also forgiveness for my parents.
I came across this video a moment ago, that opened my inner being in understanding what forgiveness means: Giving up hope that the past could be any different. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for Oprah, my healing tears and for becoming self aware.
Hello friends, today is day 65 sober, yesterday when I left work I was headed to write but felt sick and started to get hives. So I decided it was best to head home. I jump in bed at 5pm and woke up today at 11pm, no work. I woke up a few moments in the early am hours to rummage in my fridge for a quick bite, which consisted of peanut butter and pretzels. I feel fine today and the hives are almost gone. Growing up I always got hives and shingles due to stress. I am now at a Boba coffee shop in Koreatown it’s my new favorite spot. It rained a bit today in Los Angeles, which is weird for July. This coffee shop has the best coffee and some great eye candy. This is the second time coming here and I walked in and this boy was standing behind the counter and I was focus on looking for my debit card but when I looked up, I was stunned by his physical appearance, sweat started to pour down my face and I was flush red. He did not have a name tag but I haven’t felt that way in a longtime since Vince, I would always get nervous around him. Even at the end. I will appreciate the physical beauty of a man but will only act when I feel that inner connection that I want. I do wonder what he thought seeing me get all flustered, I know he notice my weirdness, he probably thought man that guy must have workout or man he sweats a lot. Well it was raining so that could have saved me. Ok I need to focus as he’s working right in front of me. I can give you a play by play but this post can’t be all about a beautiful coffee shop guy.
On the way to this coffee shop I was sitting on the metro tuning into peoples conversation and what I heard is a lot of dislike about life, which is valid points because I don’t walk their steps but it got me thinking about myself. I need to be a lot more aware of words I put out into the universe. I am not a negative person but I am not perfect and can always be better. At work I tend to speak out about stuff I don’t like, when I do that then I am not living in a state of gratefulness. I should always say what I love about life or always see the sliver lining. Like I can be waiting for the bus, its hot and I am tired, instead of saying it or let my emotions get tied up in the thoughts I can think or say thank you higher power for this sober ride home and thank you for this job that have that I can live comfortably with and still have some leftovers for my fun. As I get to sober and get to know me, I am finding some amazing awesomeness but also I finding cracks that have been harden from long term self abuse and outer abuse that need to be heal and it starts with my thoughts and thinking. I get millions of thoughts a day and that’s ok and some might be negative and that’s ok but they key is not letting the negative thoughts affects my emotions, words and my attitude of the moment. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for my inner beauty, beauty in life and this beautiful coffee shop boy. Landon Pigg “Falling in love at a coffee shop” is a perfect song for this moment.