Hello Friends, Today is day 59 sober, a day away from two months. I am on my lunch break. Its beautiful day, the sun is shining and it’s a warm day. Got back to LA late last night, I was visiting my hometown Palm Springs. I had such an amazing time sober, I got to see A lot of my family, ate some great food and had a great time connecting with everyone sober. It gets hard being away from loved ones. I know once gray hair starts to grow, I will move near my family or get a second home if I were to be that lucky. Life is very short. I didn’t blog as much over the weekend because I wanted to be with the family at every moment of the day. I arrived Friday spent sometime time shopping with the family than headed to the club at night to dance away. Red bull, water, and a couple of cigs were on the menu for my night out. I did not have any cravings at all.
My grandma Mary had a 60-surprise bday; it was amazing seeing her expression when she walked through the door. Now that I am sober I can appreciate the moments more and also live in the moments. It was a party for 80 so it was a bit stressful. I did not help out as much as the others, I was to busy messing around with the kids. The food was perfection. On Sunday I slept most of the day, there is nothing more comforting than sleeping in your mothers bed, in a dark room, really cold. Most of Sunday was sleeping than we baked banana bread. The drive back as well as the drive to was filled with great conversation with my aunt.
All in all it was the best trip so far. I can’t wait to visit again. Going back home is great, Being home also brought me a bit of sadness seeing someone very close suffering with addiction, I sometimes question how to help that person. I had to learn on my own but I also had tough love. Seeing that person talk and walk reminds me so much of myself. The constant sorrys that never end. I know that person wants to stop but not knowing how too. I am so early in my recovery, so I feel like my advice can be unworthy for this person. Since this person is such a big part of my heart I only want the best advice for him. I do try and talk to him but it doesn’t connect and he is always trying to prove me wrong. It’s a very touchy subject with my immediate family so I don’t want to push any buttons. I don’t even think that person even reads my blog. I worry quite a bit because I know what the 2 outcomes are if he doesn’t quit. Ill just pray away. I was the split image of him. I know with every cell in my body I will never drink, for me and for the others who are suffering in my family. I have to be strong and show them that it can be something treat able and for my dog Maggie who passed away in the midst of my Addiction. Sober is the new black.
Today is day 57 sober and its a beautiful hot day in Palm springs, I am surrounded by love and family. Its a perfect day. My Aunts and stepmother are in the kitchen cooking away, laughing, crying and telling stories. I am teary eyed with gratefulness enjoying every moment of this. My mind is clear enough to be in this moment in pure joy. I feel this feeling inside me, bliss. Today is my Grandmas 60th surprise BDAY party. There will be around 80 people here and it booze free, which is amazing. I love the desert smell, my warm skin caressed by the sun rays, the sound of family laughter, the essence of home cook meals, the hugs, My brothers voices, the family pets are just some of the things I miss when I am back in LA. The more I am sober the more I am appreciating those wonderful blessings. Life for me is so much better clean and sober. I have to say my family is pretty awesome. I did find myself wishing I had a love to share this moment with me, seeing him in the kitchen building a bond with my family. My stepmother and aunts are very open and love to joke. I know one day ill have that.
Last night some child hood friends and I went to a couple of gay clubs, the first was a club called toucans it was ok, music was not my taste and I wanted to dance so we left. We ended up at hunters and that satisfied my dancing need. No cravings at all, both of my friends were drinking one was over drinking and I found myself seeing my old ways in her. The more I am around people who drink the more it makes me not want to ever. Not that I am judging but I will never want to feel so detached from reality and my soul. I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell when it comes to one aspect of my life, and I am a guy, so I was hoping in finding a make out body. Not really sex or a relationship, just someone to talk to and connect, dance, make out, hold hands; very light stuff. Someone to appreciate and be appreciated but what I realized is everybody was drunk or buzz and was looking for sex. The booze is out of my life and sex wont happen until I find someone who wants to be exclusive my body is such a beautiful gift for my partner to have, I cant give it away to some cheap motel drunk, that I don’t really know with that said I wouldn’t mind making out with one. I am 28 and need to work on myself a bit more before I can try and build a healthy relationship. No one newly sober should add more to their plate and make an open space for hurt when healing. I still wonder if I will end up with someone sober or who drinks. I know I don’t want my issues to become theirs and I cant help who I fall for. I also don’t want a drunk. I used to be one I know how diffcult I used to be. I am open for love; I can’t turn away a good guy. I am attracted to men now in a different way, kindness for me is the biggest turn on, a smile, a person who looks me in the eye, who is an open book, some one who has passion, loves conversation, loves to learn and grow, loves to eat and watch film, who is confident, someone who enjoys a great cry, someone self aware, all those things are sexy.
So I thought I would not have any contact with my birth parents while I am out here but it turns out my father will be arriving shortly to BBQ the food, he still has a relationship with my younger brothers and is friends with my stepmother. I have issues I am currently dealing with but I can push that aside for my grandmas BDAY. From what I hear he is in a better place, so I am proud of him. I talk to my birth mom and she is trying also to be better. She is currently homeless bouncing around from roof to roof. I love her very much and even though she done some really bad stuff to me, I have a deep love for her. I used to send her money and help her as much as I could but I had to stop. I don’t think she is using but who knows. I do weep for her at times, I just wish she would she her greatness, she does have a wonderful soul. I wish she can just get it together, for her but also for my selfish reason, I would love to get to know her. When I was going through my break up with Vince I would call her and she would just talk about herself and never asked me how I was, or after court, she even cussed me out when I decided to start this blog. I needed her when I was a kid and she wasn’t there, I needed her at the worst time of my adult life and she wasn’t there. I learn that I can’t look to her for something she never gave me and probably never will but the want is still strong. I would like that best friend bond but she live in denial and won’t admitted the role she played in my childhood, maybe it’s to painful or maybe she doesn’t know how. I don’t want her to admitted or accept it for me but for her so she can grow. My love for my mom and father will never go away. The difference between my mom and dad is my mom try’s to have a relationship and my father doesn’t. Not sure why they are that way they are, or if they also have parent issues that they never healed. I wish I had the power to glue their broken pieces but all I can do is glue mine.
Someone mention that I should attend an AA meeting, so I might but no triggers and no cravings, also there is a lot of love in these walls who have had addiction that are sober and not dry. Most of my family is in recovery; it’s like an AA convention when the family gets together. That fact that I was in the old gay club with no cravings and dealing with my birth parents with no cravings shows me that I am growing and evolving. I cant go back once I have had a shift in consciousness and I cant become unaware once I am aware, I cant unlearn 1+1=2 now it come down to choice. Sober is the New Black.
I am grateful for everybody who followed me back home, going to head back to the party.
Hellofriends Today is day 56 sober, I woke up feeling really blessed. Today I travel back home to palm springs for the weekend. I always enjoy heading back, seeing family, seeing great friends, and of course eating all the yummy food I miss. Going back Sober means a lot to me, in the past when I went home my mindset wasn’t clear, I had angry built up for my birth parents, I was drunk most of the time, I did not enjoy the moments. I probably wont see my birth parents but I do love them and wish them well. This trip will be filled with lots of love, food, laughter, tons of relatives, and a trip to a local Gay club. I love to dance and I need to start doing more stuff I love to do and less stuff I don’t like doing, life is to short. Maybe I can find a make out buddy but I won’t be holding my breath.
My old night life in palm springs was always chaos before I would head out I knew that something would happen that will either lead to a drunken argument, fight, losing my ride home, arrest, getting kicked out of the club or bar, tying to score, tons of vomit and some crazy fling that was pretty horrible, I really had no respect for my body at all. I started going to a popular club around 15 yrs. old since then I’ve been kicked out tons of time. I still can’t believe I made it out of Palm Springs alive and that I am in the space that I am in right now. Dancing is fun but I also want to sit a coffee shop and write, when I lived in the desert my mindset was in a different place so to do what I love back home would be a nice change. I never would write back home, I know my creative inspiration would blossom.
I enjoy somewhat of a routine in my life and when I don’t have it I get a bit sad, I feel like it stems from having such an unstable childhood and no really security, I so need that now but I need to change that it’s not healthy I am no longer in that environment. I need to focus on the moments and say my grateful prayer each morning. It’s usually in the shower, cleanse from the day before. A refreshing new start. I give up every negative thought that bother me the day before, I ask my high power turn me upside down shake out all the negative thoughts, anger, hurt, pain, past, ego, fear, people criticism and put in happy thoughts, courage, compassion, love, joy, laughter, accepting of others,creativity, awareness and stillness. I used to look outward for those things but those are all created from within, I am the co-creator with the ultimate creator. Sober is the New Black
I am grateful for life, being sober, for family and for my aunt Angie for picking me up!
The killers are one of my favorite band of all time. The killers carry me home is the perfect road trip
Hello friends today is day 55 sober, 5 more days away from 2 months. I am so grateful Ive made it this far. There are some key differences this time around getting sober. When I stop drinking in the past I wanted to just stop drinking that’s it, I believe I had the power to live the same life, hangout out in the same places, just stop the drinking not work on the cause. I Did not fully accept I was an addict. I thought I could eventuallyportion control my booze. I did not understand that everything negative in my life was caused by my drinking. I was Ashamed and Embarrassed to speak up about my Addiction and wanted know one to know. I did not understand That Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) is a disorder that acts out when you are not treating it with Alcohol. The disorder will convince you to lie, cheat, steal to get booze. I was unaware that the voice in my head wasn’t me it was the ISM. It sounded like me, knew what story to tell me to get me to a bar. I also didn’t know how to surrender to my Higher Power, as I understood it to be. I did not realize that the my addiction stems from my childhood, booze helped me cope with life. I was an addict before i took my first drink.
I am so grateful my eyes are clear and Not only do I understand those things mention, I truly feel it in my bones and every cell of my body. Now the smell and sight of Alcohol makes me nauseous. Gives me a bitter taste of vomit and there is know longer an emotional attachment. I know ill never drink or crave booze but since I am not treating the ISM disorder(Inside self & Mind) it can resurface in my life in other ways, so I have to watch my mind, my feelings, and my thoughts. Everything about my life has to change, if I used to walk on the right side of the street I now walk on the left side.
This weekend I’ll be heading back home to Palm Springs, CA. I am very excited to see my family and friends. It feels good going back to my roots sober and clear minded. Other healing trip for me! I love walking down the same streets in a new character, A new me, A better me. A stronger me.
I am grateful for life, for my clear mind, my family, and for Sober is the New Black
Good morning friends, today is day 54 sober! It’s almost two months and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. The journey has been very clean, no cravings. I’ve been going deep trying to find issues that I have from childhood and connect the dots when it comes to my adult thinking. I’ve also been praying and surrendering, which has been amazing. When I surrender, even when it’s a non-Alcohol issue, the universe seems to work everything out. For example I recently moved into a new apartment and before the move I was a bit worried about taking on all the responsibility that comes with having your own place. I have never lived on my own and one of the worrisome was financial Responsibility, can I do it. So I prayed and surrender it to my higher power, as I understand it to be. A few hours later I called the rental office to see how much my move in cost will be and they informed me that my rent is half off for a year due to a maintenance issue. My eyes are not meant to see the universe path, just to believe and surrender, Let the universe play its role. Like Oprah says I can dream this big of a dream but the universe can dream, dreams bigger than you can imagine. Surrender, gratitude, and doing the right thing are the kind of space I always want to live in.
Doing the right thing isn’t always easy when you are caught up in your day or ego or issues, its that moment when you see a lost person asking for direction and you have a smart phone you can easily put in the address and direct them. The moment you realize their struggle the inner voice tells me maybe I should help her, that’s the inner divine speaking to me, the inner spirit, that has always been inside. Than my ego says nope I wont because I will miss stop or I am on Facebook. The “I” is the ego. Always thinking about it self and never grateful. Doing the right thing, not for profit or for ego will be so fulfilling within. Matching my words with my actions are really soul rewarding. I used to stay up watching YouTube videos seeing people give homeless people money. It felt good, it gave me tears of Joy and I heard my inner self say I would love to do that, Than the ego says “I” am not rich, theirs the “I” again. It’s not really the giving of the money that makes me cry it’s the compassion and empty without judgment that makes me cry. Empathy and compassion is the universal language we all understand and it connects are inner souls. It overlooks race, sex, religion, and politics, what country you are from, beliefs. I am grateful for life, a clear mind, and for Sober is the New Black
I’ve been obsessed with Maya Angelou for a while this video helps me understand what do the Right thing means. Hope you enjoy this video
Hello friends, today is coming to an end of day 53 sober. It’s been an amazing day, I appreciate all the support I have been getting form Sober is the New Black. Recovery has been such a beautiful gift for my mind, body and soul. My eyes are focus straight ahead, no looking back, forward I go. I can’t waste energy turning my head back; it takes away from the energy moving forward. I feel like my body is still detoxing a bit. My skin is a bit Itchy and having some mild headaches but those will soon past. Creating a new normal is exciting but can also be a bit confusing at times, so used to some old habits and ways. Simple stuff I miss like cooking but Cooking for one seems wasteful also now I have to clean my whole apt but I just want to do stuff that’s fun, and cleaning isn’t on my list of things I enjoy doing but its something I need to be better at. It takes a week to get the courage to clean my apt to only destroy it the next day.
Today on my way to work their was this homeless man laying at the stoplight I was at. Its hard for me to pass by someone homeless and not give something whether in be food, a couple dollars or just a smile. I gave him a buck, only had cards but he smelled of booze, so much so I could taste it. It really shook me because that could have been me and Alcoholism is a progressive disorder if you don’t stop. I don’t know the mans story, if he became one after the streets or before but what is clear to me is he had a mother, brother, maybe a father, or maybe even a Vince but Alcoholism will take it all away. Alcohol kills everything alive in your life and Preserves everything that is dead and yet it took 8 years to really understand what that means but I am grateful I made it alive to understand. Its nothing to take lightly and takes constant work, its not like a college were you get a degree in four years than move on, nope its more like life long school on oneself and the subjects are the 12 steps, your issues, past, metal thoughts, how to cope with emotions, AA, learning how to be of service. It’s a life long education on you and you have to really want it, really understand the work that is put into it.
I am an Addict so I know how to do misery, victim, easy way out, hurting people and myself, lazy, verystagnant in my past very well but happy thoughts, surrendering, working on getting to know my high power as I understand it, learning how to coupe with hardships without using, being of service, forgiveness, Acceptance all take work some easier than others but all equally important. I will have to do them over and over for the rest of my life and that’s ok because life sober well be so amazing, it will smell so sweet, everything will be brighter, dreams will come true, love, joy, finding oneself, connecting with ones soul and others, being in the moment, courage to overcome, gratefulness, compassion and empathy, hugs and kisses, clear minded, falling in love with one self and blossoming talent. THOSE BUZZES, THOSE HIGHES, THOSE FIXES all sound more appealing than THAT WHISKEY POSION, THAN THE WINE STAIN PAIN AND THAT BEER BELLY OF EMPTINESS!
I am so grateful for my writings, for the fingers typing and the Alcohol free blood that runs through my veins. Here is some nice tunes Ingrid Michaelson Everybody.
It’s 12:24am on day 53 sober, I am still awake on Sober is the New Black, the longer I am sober , I get more of an understanding on what love is and means. Learning how to love and accept love. How to show love, give love, create love within. How to build relationship with love and how to nurture love. I created this post from a deep place and felt these feelings inside needed to be released. This Letter consist of a poem I just wrote, photos and a song that connects to everyone in the photos Especially vince.
Choose
You choosen this lost boy with no direction
Loved the drunk with whiskey lips
Supported my empty shell of a body with your clouded eyes
Cuddled my lifeless limbs and bones with your tired arms
Wiped away my weeping tears of regret with your blister fingers
You fathered the fatherless with your broken heart
Cried, pleaded, begged, demand with your threats
Dug holes for a prisoner of the past to escape with your fading love
This boy now has direction with sweet lips
Body Shell filled with Love, joy and courage that shine’s out
Limbs and bones electrified with strength
Tears of joy now flow
Fathered by the universe
No longer a Prisoner from past
free’d from the dug holes
Let me build that path now
Let me love those bitter lips
Let my shine, shine through those clouded eyes
Let my endurance build those tired arms
Let my sober kisses heal those blistered fingers
Let my love seal that broken heart
Let my action wash away those past threats
I am now strong enough to dig holes for your prison past
Hello friends today is coming to an end of day 52 sober. Today has been such an amazing day. I have a great nap and I am feeling well rested. Maya Angelou is perfection to me, Her poems resonate with my soul. Every word, speaks to me. Its does not matter where you are from or the story you have lived, We are connected. Her Inspiring words carry me through out my day among other influences. If i am ever feeling a bit blue or just need a pick me up for my soul, I RISE From Maya Angelou helps me go deep and find my inner smile, my inner tiger, my inner Adolfo. I am so grateful for her life and her words. Sober is the New Black has been such an amazing journey so far. I hope you guys enjoy this video below. Maya Angelou I rise.
Hello friends, today is Day 52 sober. I am back to the grind of the week. This week I need to focus on staying positive at work and getting enough sleep. Having to be up at 330am is hard even for a morning person but I have to man up and be a responsible adult. I have always been a hard worker. I started working at very young age, My first job was in middle school around 11years old, I would help set up tents at a local market on the weekends for like 20 bucks a day. The man I helped sold glasses. I also helped him sell. After that ended I became a paper boy outside grocery stores selling papers, that did not last long I was only making a few buck a day. I kind of had to work if I wanted to eat, I knew at a very young age anything I ever needed or wanted I had to get on my own.
Sometimes illegally, I remember being really hungry and walking into groceries store in middle school and grabbing a lunch able, cheese string and a Reese than heading to the restroom were I would sit in the stall and eat because I knew I would go to bed hungry and there was plenty of times i did go to bed hungry. When i was younger In elementary school I remember my Mom and her boyfriend putting me in people doggy doors because i was tiny and steal food from their kitchen also they would make me and my brothers walk in Walmart change my old shoes and walk out with new ones. My mothers boyfriend sam would beat me and yell at me if i did not steal from stores, it was stuff we needed. Its funny because I still have guilt for stealing at such a young age, as crazy as is it sounds. Middle school for me was the worst of my childhood because that’s when I realize I had to balance a crazy home life with middle school. There is this one incident that still brings tears to my eyes, I remember walking in my Apartment complex parking lot and seeing a car window rolled down and a purse sitting in the passenger seat. I grab it and ran inside a storage area that held the apartment dumpster. I took all the cash and threw the purse in the trash. When I open up the wallet I seen it had a food stamp card that people used to cash their checks. I was terrified but knew that money would help when I look back I knew that I stole from a poor person who had kids and need that money. When I went back home I gave it my mother her face showed relief and joy, I told her I found it. Later that day the lady son was walking around and asked me if I seen any guy walking around with a purse. I said know. I know at that age I had to survive and had to do stuff I am not proud of but I need to forgive my childhood self.
I would love to find that family and pay them back one day. I am still writing my childhood down on paper, its difficult but I am pushing trough. My childhood Is very layered, complex and profoundly misfortunate. It did teach my how to be a survivor and how endure life and pain. As I got older I used booze to help me drown my past so I wouldn’t have to deal but the past will always learn how to swim and float back up to the surface… I love Frida Kahlo and she once said “ I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned how to swim” I am grateful for the past lessons, for writing and for my survivor skills that helping me survivor this mental and body disorder that is called Alcoholism. I will rise and nothing going to stop me now. Sober is the New Black..I recently heard this song by B.O.B-John Doe feat JoJo. I am coming home to myself.
Sober Is The New Black 