DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 174 Sober: Reflections

Hello friends. It’s day 174 sober,  Today was the end of my work season that means less work ahead and more writing. Feeling a bit tired, worked 14 hrs. yesterday but feeling positive and a bit sleepy. I’ve been working 60 plus hrs a week so I am in much need of a haircut, shaving, new glasses, gym, rest, Mani and Pedi. All well deserve.

 

A few days ago a site contacted me wanting me to write articles. I am beyond grateful. Sober life equals unimaginable dreams, so this weekend i’ll be writing my first article. Growing up I never thought I would be a writer. A poor, welfare kid, with addicts as parents, is no longer my story I carry on my back. I used that story to be mediocre and as an excuse for bad behavior. Now I take complete ownership for every part of my life. Being sober has brought a lot of clarity. This past year my life has done a complete 360. I have had some time to reflect on my past relationship this week. I realized just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it was not a successful relationship. It was beyond successful. Some of the best moments of my life so far, I laughed and ate nice cheese, meet some cool people and had so much love around but the most important part is I am sober because of it. Those 3 years open me up to real love, I never knew I could love that deep or capable of connecting with someone on that level. I took away so many life-lesson and is blessed and grateful he saw something in me before I saw it in myself. If you see someone struggling, reach out and call them out. I believe there are many soul mates on this life road, he was what I needed at the time so I can grow and evolve. Now that I have evolved the universe will render a new soul mate that will teach me new lessons about myself, I just hope my love taught my ex something too.

 

 

I was so empty inside growing up so I was always searching to fill my insides up with instant-gratifications. Booze, sex, money, attention, food, getting skinny. I was searching to make me whole inside with outside stuff. Stuff goes away and never last. I did not realize healing started from within and is work that is constant. Whether an addict or a non-addict we all have healing to do. This upcoming year will be an adventure finding me every day and experience a new sober life. Sober is the new black.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

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Eddie Vedder is such an amazing artist and the soundtrack for into the wild which is a brilliant film is perfect.

 

 

 

DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

Hello Friends, Today is day 162 sober, I just want to start off by saying all the readers support and inspiring message, that fill my heart up with so much joy. I just hope I do the same for others who may be suffering in this battle. Part of getting sober is going inside and finding root causes of my addiction. The ones I hide inside deep, from the traumas I’ve been through. I have not really talked about this subject to anyone, none of my family knows about this. So I might have some backlash or maybe some support but the most important thing in my life is healing so I can stay sober.

 

 

I was Sexually abused at a very young age. It was a male babysitter who would watch me while my mother would go out and party, my mother is also an addict. For a  long time, I thought it was my doing or my curiosity that caused it. It happened more than once and I don’t remember much except that it felt good. I don’t know if I was seeking attention from the lack of it in my household or I might have seen people doing it in my household. Writing this down scares me a bit but I just need to connect the dots From being molested to addiction. I know being molested has everything to do with me seeking love in sex, or if someone is not attracted to me then that means there is something wrong with me.

 

 My writing helps me heal from the inside. Taking all the pain out and writing it down is the way I know how to heal, When I was a child I lived in my head away from reality because It was to painful. I would daydream a new life so I can survivor another day. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I need to take ownership of how my life is today and know that I am no longer that child being touch for love but a survivor that is blossoming into a softer person. I lived my life thinking everyone was out to hurt me and In a very defensive state but the reality is that not everyone is my parents or my molester. This was a hard write so now ill go weep my healing tears a bit. Sober is the New Black.

FullSizeRender

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

Ellie Goulding your song  I dedciate to my innner child that still feels the need to feel scared. It time to go now, I got this. Run free. 

 

Day 126 Sober: “Clean” poem

Hello Friends today is day 126 sober, I am excited for the weekend! I’ve been working and writing. This weekend my goal is to get out from behind my mac and see with these sober eyes. Feeling so grateful for life and for this sober mind that has given me so much life and potential. This poem below explains how i feel inside at the moment. everything in life inspires my writings, to addiction, to sex, love, heartbreaks, even men. Sober is the New Black.

 

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Sober is the New Black

Stay Connect with love. Adolfo Vasquez 

DAY 57 Sober: What My Hometown Brings Me

Today is day 57 sober and its a beautiful hot day in Palm springs, I am surrounded by love and family. Its a perfect day. My Aunts and stepmother are in the kitchen cooking away, laughing, crying and telling stories. I am teary eyed with gratefulness enjoying every moment of this. My mind is clear enough to be in this moment in pure joy.  I  feel this feeling inside me, bliss.  Today is my Grandmas 60th surprise BDAY party. There will be around 80 people here and it booze free, which is amazing. I love the desert smell, my warm skin caressed by the sun rays, the sound of family laughter, the essence of home cook meals, the hugs, My brothers voices, the family pets are just some of the things I miss when I am back in LA. The more I am sober the more I am appreciating those wonderful blessings. Life for me is so much better clean and sober. I have to say my family is pretty awesome. I did find myself wishing I had a love to share this moment with me, seeing him in the kitchen building a bond with my family. My stepmother and aunts are very open and love to joke.  I know one day ill have that. 

 

Last night some child hood friends and I went to a couple of gay clubs, the first was a club called toucans it was ok, music was not my taste and I wanted to dance so we left. We ended up at hunters and that satisfied my dancing need. No cravings at all, both of my friends were drinking one was over drinking and I found myself seeing my old ways in her. The more I am around people who drink the more it makes me not want to ever. Not that I am judging but I will never want to feel so detached from reality and my soul. I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell when it comes to one aspect of my life, and I am a guy, so I was hoping in finding a make out body. Not really sex or a relationship, just someone to talk to and connect, dance, make out, hold hands; very light stuff. Someone to appreciate and be appreciated but what I realized is everybody was drunk or buzz and was looking for sex. The booze is out of my life and sex wont happen until I find someone who wants to be exclusive my body is such a beautiful gift for my partner to have, I cant give it away to some cheap motel drunk, that I don’t really know with that said I wouldn’t mind making out with one. I am 28 and need to work on myself a bit more before I can try and build a healthy relationship. No one newly sober should add more to their plate and make an open space for hurt when healing.   I still wonder if I will end up with someone sober or who drinks. I know I don’t want my issues to become theirs and I cant help who I fall for. I also don’t want a drunk. I used to be one I know how diffcult I used to be. I am open for love; I can’t turn away a good guy. I am attracted to men now in a different way, kindness for me is the biggest turn on, a smile, a person who looks me in the eye, who is an open book, some one who has passion, loves conversation, loves to learn and grow, loves to eat and watch film, who is confident, someone who enjoys a great cry, someone self aware, all those things are sexy.

 

So I thought I would not have any contact with my birth parents while I am out here but it turns out my father will be arriving shortly to BBQ the food, he still has a relationship with my younger brothers and is friends with my stepmother. I have issues I am currently dealing with but I can push that aside for my grandmas BDAY. From what I hear he is in a better place, so I am proud of him. I talk to my birth mom and she is trying also to be better. She is currently homeless bouncing around from roof to roof. I love her very much and even though she done some really bad stuff to me, I have a deep love for her. I used to send her money and help her as much as I could but I had to stop. I don’t think she is using but who knows. I do weep for her at times, I just wish she would she her greatness, she does have a wonderful soul. I wish she can just get it together, for her but also for my selfish reason, I would love to get to know her. When I was going through my break up with Vince I would call her and she would just talk about herself and never asked me how I was, or after court, she even cussed me out when I decided to start this blog. I needed her when I was a kid and she wasn’t there, I needed her at the worst time of my adult life and she wasn’t there. I learn that I can’t look to her for something she never gave me and probably never will but the want is still strong. I would like that best friend bond but she live in denial and won’t admitted the role she played in my childhood, maybe it’s to painful or maybe she doesn’t know how.  I don’t want her to admitted or accept it for me but for her so she can grow. My love for my mom and father will never go away. The difference between my mom and dad is my mom try’s to have a relationship and my father doesn’t. Not sure why they are that way they are, or if they also have parent issues that they never healed. I wish I had the power to glue their broken pieces but all I can do is glue mine.

 

Someone mention that I should attend an AA meeting, so I might but no triggers and no cravings, also there is a lot of love in these walls who have had addiction that are sober and not dry. Most of my family is in recovery; it’s like an AA convention when the family gets together.  That fact that I was in the old gay club with no cravings and dealing with my birth parents with no cravings shows me that I am growing and evolving. I cant go back once I have had a shift in consciousness and I cant become unaware once I am aware, I cant unlearn 1+1=2 now it come down to choice. Sober is the New Black.

 

I am grateful for everybody who followed me back home, going to head back to the party.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo 

DAY 54 SOBER: DOING THE RIGHT THING

Good morning friends, today is day 54 sober! It’s almost two months and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. The journey has been very clean, no cravings. I’ve been going deep trying to find issues that I have from childhood and connect the dots when it comes to my adult thinking. I’ve also been praying and surrendering, which has been amazing. When I surrender, even when it’s a non-Alcohol issue, the universe seems to work everything out. For example I recently moved into a new apartment and before the move I was a bit worried about taking on all the responsibility that comes with having your own place. I have never lived on my own and one of the worrisome was financial Responsibility, can I do it. So I prayed and surrender it to my higher power, as I understand it to be. A few hours later I called the rental office to see how much my move in cost will be and they informed me that my rent is half off for a year due to a maintenance issue. My eyes are not meant to see the universe path, just to believe and surrender, Let the universe play its role. Like Oprah says I can dream this big of a dream but the universe can dream, dreams bigger than you can imagine. Surrender, gratitude, and doing the right thing are the kind of space I always want to live in.

 

Doing the right thing isn’t always easy when you are caught up in your day or ego or issues, its that moment when you see a lost person asking for direction and you have a smart phone you can easily put in the address and direct them. The moment you realize their struggle the inner voice tells me maybe I should help her, that’s the inner divine speaking to me, the inner spirit, that has always been inside. Than my ego says nope I wont because I will miss stop or I am on Facebook. The “I” is the ego. Always thinking about it self and never grateful. Doing the right thing, not for profit or for ego will be so fulfilling within. Matching my words with my actions are really soul rewarding. I used to stay up watching YouTube videos seeing people give homeless people money. It felt good, it gave me tears of Joy and I heard my inner self say I would love to do that, Than the ego says “I” am not rich, theirs the “I” again. It’s not really the giving of the money that makes me cry it’s the compassion and empty without judgment that makes me cry.  Empathy and compassion is the universal language we all understand and it connects are inner souls. It overlooks race, sex, religion, and politics, what country you are from, beliefs. I am grateful for life, a clear mind, and for Sober is the New Black

 

I’ve been obsessed with Maya Angelou for a while this video helps me understand what do the Right thing means. Hope you enjoy this video  

 

 

Stay connect with  love, Adolfo