Hello Friends today is 10 months sober. It seems I had to learn most lessons the hard way. I think the reason is growing up I had no example or foundation. No teacher teaching me love, self worth or encouragement. When I first learned how to ride a bike I was six. It was a teenager bike with no helmet. My butt couldn’t touch the seat because my feet had to reach the pedals. I kept falling, crashing, cutting up my legs but I was determined so I kept getting back up. Eventually I got the hang of it.
I really wanted to learn how to ride a bike but did not have the proper tools like a bike for my age, helmet, knee pads or parents outside helping me but I knew I wanted to ride. After being bruised, hurt, bleeding. I finally LEARNED how to ride my bike. It took days but I was determined. The reason why this story is so profound is I took this learning into my adult life “Learning the hard way”
I was never taught how to receive or give love , or how to be a great friend. I was just trying to survive. I wanted to love but my actions never met how I felt. Every person I would meet I thought would eventually hurt me. My parents were suppose to protect me and teach me how to be a man but instead they abused me in more than one way. When I turned 15, I went out on my own without any tools.
I now have the proper tools so I don’t have to learn the hard way in some aspects of my life. When I was 6, if I had a bike my size,training wheels and parents teaching me. I would have learned a softer way.
Now In my adult life my training wheels will be hope/faith and my helmet/protection will be the high power that lives in me. What will help me get back up, guiding me will be my sobriety. I might still learn the hard way with some stuff but I am willing to learn and I know my falls won’t be as hard because of my clean and sober mind.
Ill be traveling to Seattle in at the end of April, very excited for this trip. One of many in the works. I hope to meet some of my readers of sober are the new black. I’ve had some readers approach me in public, letting me know they are reading, following and that it helps them self reflect. It sometimes hard for me to comprehend that I can help someone in his or her sobriety.It brings me so much joy and tears. so grateful . When I started the blog it was just I documenting my struggles but I realized it turn into something bigger and I am very grateful.
Macklemore is a huge inspiration to millions. Their music touch my heart in so many ways. Today I got an email from Macklemore and his company congratulating me on my 300 days of sober. Right now he is working on his new album. Can’t wait for it to come out. The videos below are some his songs talking about Ben Haggerty addiction and recovery. I love hearing others speak out about their addiction and recovery. Someone will here those words that might save their life.
Here some of my poems i have written in past couple of days
Hello Friends today is day 255 sober, the past few days have been really chill. Love waking up without hangover aches or guilt deep in my heart. Even if I wake up a bit down, I know I can control how I feel by seeing the positive in life, I just have to choose how long I want to feel down for.
One of the best parts of sobriety is the surrendering, I no longer have to carry all those heavy burdens I’ve carried for 28 years, I just let everything go. I don’t have any anger or hate for anyone. No grievances from the past. My past addiction was made up of a few things, childhood trauma, fear, and having a family full of untreated addicts. I remember being at the age of 4 sneaking into my stepfather bedroom dresser, looking for his pipe sucking on it pretending to smoke. I loved the taste of the weed resin. My stepfather and brother would take car rides and he would blow weed smoke in our face eventually at the age of 15 I experienced my first high that was weed, that turn into cocaine that turn into alcohol. I switch addiction once the substance I was using become deadly or just not fun anymore. I didn’t realize I was an addict until alcohol came into my life. I switch addiction also because I didn’t realize I was using to cope with my past. Numbing myself from reality.
Now the fear part, I was terrified of everything growing up, scared of wind, heights, mountains, and food, scared of people etc. In elementary school there was a couple of years where I wouldn’t eat because I was afraid of choking, my parents should have put me in the hospital but I eventually got over that fear. I was stick and bones. Growing up I was never taught how to connect with humans in a correct and beautiful way (Reason my previous relationship didn’t work) Now that I am sober and healing I am finding and seeing love in everybody I come into contact with. We are all flawed humans trying to connect with others. My Flaw just happens to be a disorder called addiction.
This past couple of day’s I realized my childhood wasn’t bad at all actually it was the universe preparing me at a very young age, In the process of finding out what the preparation was for. Sober is the New Black.
Aloe Blacc is one of my favorite modern day soul singer, so inspiring and very handsome as well. hope you enjoy green lights. Check out his album Good Things
Hello friends, its day 98 sober. It’s has been a busy day but feeling very grateful for this sober mind that helps me get through the day. Around this time in the past I would be past out drunk, so glad I have more hours in my day to create from within. I have started working my second job, I am so grateful for it. The hours, pay and environment are great. It’s a type of job with tons of deadlines and pressure but I’ve done it for years and use to it. The difference this year is I am sober. In the past it was ok to have a drink and work, maybe even a bottle of wine or some Macallan 12. Now it will be a total different experience. Some Pellegrino or coffee will do.I don’t miss the feeling or even the taste of booze; the only thing I miss is hanging out, the social aspect, meeting new peeps. Right now I just don’t have the time to be out, I have a few things in the works for Sober is the New Black. I do miss the bar food, I am a huge foodie.
On my way to this café in Koreatown I was looking out the window and seen this guy who appeared to be homeless stumbling around with a beer bottle in his hand, this disorder is real and I have to always be aware of the mind disorder. I felt empathy because the only thing that separates me from him is my sobriety. I am glad I am aware of what will happen if I pick up again. I am one drink away from death so I can’t have a next drink.
Today I spoke to my real mom on the phone and for the first time, I had no anger for her or hate. I felt love, it was weird because in the past I would be really annoyed or short temper when see called. I am learning how to forgive her and not really for her but for me. I need to happy and I wont if I carry hate for my parents. Forgiveness takes time. Not only do I want to forgive them I want a relationship. I want them to know me and I now them, If they want. My mom was a bit upset when I started this blog but now she understand this blog wasn’t about her it was about me healing. No matter how many times I was abused by my parents I still long for a friendship. My parents are also addicts so going through my addiction has brought me a deep understanding of my parents. My mom isn’t in the best place but I know she is working for a better tomorrow. I still have a bit of fear when I see my dad, when I see him I get nervous and say only a few words. It will take some more work but I would like to be friends with my father. I am also realizing I don’t really need parents in my life. Everything I need is in me; I just got to create love, joy, security, passion and growth. I can create friendships with others by being the best me and attracting that in my life. I just hope my parents find the serenity I do in this moment. Sober is the new Black.
I have to share this video from Oprah Winfrey again it Change the way I forgive, so powerful and i hope it helps
This long read is Dark that might affect a lot of my family but its part of the process of healing. The point of it isn’t to hurt but to heal and write down with the eyes of that young child. Not the view of my brothers or trying to rationalize my parent’s behavior. I need to heal the hurting young kid that still weeps. Growing up I never talk to anyone about my childhood and teen years, my good friend Nikka and Marquita who I knew since kindergarten never met my mother nor my father. I put on a fake smile and denied everything. Living in a fantasy of false and pretend fairytale that was really a dark hole that consists of blood baths, fear, homelessness, molestation, drugs and selling my body. My goal is to go back and save that young kid with a beautiful smile and those big rounded brown eyes. This is my childhood from k-5, the memories are a bit jumbled and hard to remember the exact timeline but the events are real and the pain is real. I love my parents but this words needs to be let out. It will be a two part child hood and teen years.
I was born on a rainy day on 11:11:85 in Palm Springs California, I was the first born on my father’s side and at the time my mother already had a child from a previous marriage. Growing up I always lived in fear. My parent’s energy was so hostile and vulgar. Since I could remember I was walking on eggs shells that had needles. If I even looked the wrong way I would get beaten to the pole. My parents were on drugs most of my life. Around 3years old I remember living with my two brothers and my birth parents. They would get into these fights that would scare me to the core so bad that even when we were having a good time I was so scared of them fighting. I am extremely sensitive. I remember staying up most nights, with my ear to the their bedroom door listening. Waiting for the fight. When I heard peace I felt comfort so I would head to bed for few hours than my anxiety would kick in and so my ear was back at the door. I remember one day my parents were on the couch watching TV and I kept running from my bed to the end of the hallway so I can see if they were fighting. Eventually they notice and instead of comforting me a 3 year old they screamed and threaten to beat me. So I would run and hide. I don’t understand how parents can be that way to their own child. They are the cause of the uneasy feelings. I would always be afraid when my father would come home from work. At my age I couldn’t process fear so I acted out with anxiety and when I did they would beat me for it. I remember my father was trying to sleep and I had a cough, he didn’t want to hear me so he threw me out in rain in the middle of the night and locked the door of course I was screaming my head off. This pain I carry is deep its in every cell of my body and bone marrow. I don’t remember much from the time when my parents were together, just a blur. If I were to sum up that time it would consist of fights, extreme Fear, a lot of spanking, yelling, walking in on my parents having sex.
Eventually my parent split. I had a babysitter that would come over; he lived across the street from the house. He was a family friend at the time and was a teenager I believe. When he would watch me he would show me his private part and have me touch him and do stuff to him. I am not sure if I seen my parents do it to each other and I wanted to act it out, somehow I knew mommy and daddy did those things, I had to be around 3 years old. I never told anyone this before and it feels good to speak out about it. We did not always have a babysitter. I remember Waking up and my mother would be gone so I would run around the house scared screaming and crying. Again fear! I kind of hate her right now as I am writing this because fear plays a huge role in my life now. When I look at the very few pictures I have of me as a child I just want to give myself a big hug, I really don’t remember hugs or kisses at all. I was such a cute kid that was very sensitive. The day after my father left a guy name Bert moved in and my mom said this is my new father and I have to call him dad. My mother must have been cheating on my father since the move in came quickly. My mom left my older brother father for my father quick too, not sure if I am even my father son. I don’t remember any family members really stepping in or even noticing. My older brother ran away to his father leaving my younger brother and I. From the outside my brother and I looked put together but the reality is it was noticeable that we were being abuse and I have forgiven my other family members for not stepping in, it took some time but I will never forget.
My mother always depended on men for everything security, money, and happiness. My father was the same way with women. Bert my new father was a stoner who never worked, he would blow weed smoke in my brothers face and I all the time. He never kept a job, I think when my mother met him he was working for the city and got fired for buying booze with his work shirt on. After that he did odd jobs to get by and my mother never worked. Since no one kept a job we moved around a lot. When I started kindergarten my parents didn’t or couldn’t have my brother and I so they dropped us off with my great grandma. She was such a wonderful human that I am grateful for, Anita was her name and she made the best homemade tortilla with beans. She would get me ready in the morning. My mother eventually came back for us. My first grade memory that sticks to me was my mom calling me inside because she said, my grandma was on the phone, and she was lying. I ran inside, my mom was behind the door with a high heal behind her as I ran in from excitement she pounds my forehead with her heal blood everywhere my scream echoed. It still does till this day. My younger brother behind me getting that same heal across his head covered in my blood. Me and my brother got moved around all over, we moved to La Quinta and my mother did not want to enroll me in school so I walked myself to the local elementary school and gave them the packets the first day of school and again know one thought of calling social services.
School was never important to my mother, my brother started kindergarten at 7 years old. The next year when I went to enroll again they said I never was a student. Eventually we were kick out of my aunts house. So from k-5 I was in 4 different schools been kick out of every home because my mother and Bert never paid their rent. We would lose everything in storages. I have nothing from my childhood except a few photos. I only had Trash bags of clothes. In 4 and 5th grade, we were really poor and went to bed hungry often. That’s when stealing really became a family habit. I was put in doggy doors so I can steal food for the family. We squatted in the home for a while didn’t pay rent and the owners couldn’t get us out.
We never felt Secure. My mom was so abusive, neglect full and wouldn’t really feed us. So between moving all around there was pretty horrible blood baths even at one point living in what now seems like a crack house with a gun put to are heads. I wish I could have saved my brother. My mother had me lie to my teachers and birth father about my bruises and knots. So lying, fear, lack of security, hurt and anger was instilled in me at a very young age and became the foundation of me. I am so grateful I had my brother to lean on and to help pass time. My brother and I became animals stealing food from stores, sneaking food in the middle of the night to are room like rodents. When we had roofs over are head it never was a home. At times we did not have Electricity so are house will get dark really quick. Are fridge would be an igloo cooler and showers would be in the dark. At a young age I lived in my mind the whole time make believe was my best friend.
There is so much more I can write down but these are the ones that stick out at the moment maybe ill save in for my bio. So now I go and weep for that hurting 3 year old who lives in fear from people hurting him, going to hold his hand and kiss his forehead while he weeps. Going to sit next to him and ease his anxiety with a sweet lullaby. I want to carry him from that past of profound misfortunate and into the moment of endless possibility. So he can see the beauty in life. Sober is the New Black
Hello friends today is day 39 sober and it feels so great! Everyday I am feeling stronger and stronger. I never knew I had this kind of strength inside myself. Addiction is such a powerful disorder that hides in your mind so its hard to separate yourself from the Addiction but once you do you take away most of its power and you become so strong and self aware nothing can take it away. Fear is such powerful thing that has haunted me for the past 28 years; it was in stilled in me at a very young age by my parents. Before I new how to talk I knew fear. Fear, that was put inside me at a cellular level caused by the blood baths. There are 4 types of abuse physical, neglect, sexual, and physical. I experience all 4 all in different levels at different times. Starting around 3 years old into my early adulthood until I was able to fight back with my fist or run away. I will not get into my childhood quite yet but I will talk about the level of fear that crippled me and set up the foundation for Alcohol-ISM
My first fear was my parents than others came like the wind; if it were windy I would hide because I thought the wind would blow me away. When I was younger my fears were very simple like fear of wind, mountains, heights, even at a very young age I was fearful that nobody would accept me. I remember being in elementary school not having many friends because I would try so hard to be accepted I would be awkward. At a very young age I was also fearful of dying and getting sick. As I got into teen’s additional fears came about and they got more complex and I had a fear of choking so I did not eat for a couple years. I was forced and would not eat certain things. I would not chew gum; eat cheese, popcorn, etc. At the dinner table I would throw my dinner behind furniture when my parents would look away, put food into napkins than place it into my pockets than use the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. Of course my parent probably didn’t even notice or care. I probably needed therapy but was neglected from so much therapy was such a small thing in the whole picture. Fear of being evicted from are apartment caused from bouts of homelessness I experience at young age.
As I got older some of those young fears stayed and new ones entered like fear from my partner cheating, fear of trust. So at a young age I was thought, Fear, to Lie, steal, anger, distrust, Self hate, these are just some of the skill sets that created the my foundation. As I got older my fear turn into Anxiety, Intense insecurity, no skill sets, lack of ability to love others including myself etc. I found ALCOHOL to help with all the inner turmoil. It was a Band-Aid for a while it buried all that fear. So with Alcohol I was able to go out make friends, connect with others, feel free, laugh, love, dance, smile, listen to people, cry without others, have sex. That Band-Aid eventually broke and all that pain came out when I was drunk and it was not pretty what so ever. That invisible line was crossed and there was no turning back!
Acceptance, Forgiveness for others and self, living in a state of gratefulness, being kind to others, endurance, surrendering, learning how to love myself, crying, looking into people eyes and connecting with them all has help me, and connecting the dots from my childhood pain to how I treat people today and self. Has helped me in a tremendous way. Fear is in my core and roots so I am in the process of digging them out. The past 39 days have done wonders to my soul, I cry from joy and get chills from happiness, my mind is clear and my courage is at its peak! Ready to heal the 3-year boy who lived in terror for 28 years. Lets all be kind to one another and celebrate the beauty of diversity. Life is amazing to let are fears over take are mind and rob us from this amazing experience called life! Sober is the new black!
Leaving you with an amazing song from Eddie Vedder called rise up “Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold”
Hello friends today is day 21 sober and I am having such an amazing time. It feels good to be in the desert surrounded by loved ones. Yesterday I went to my brother graduation. It was a beautiful night. Every time I come back home there is a certain smell that I am in love with. I saw my father and I was kind of nervous at first but it went well I gave him a hug and he said he loved me, which felt good. I know its not an over night process but eventually I would love him in my life. Last time I was here, 7 months ago my father and myself both were drinking and he got in my face wanting to fight me because I spoke up on how I felt. With my father in the past he is always right and you cannot have an opinion. Also my parents; I felt had always put their partners before their children wellbeing. My Father getting in my face brought me back to my childhood that scared and hurt little boy. After that day I promised myself that I would not allow anyone including my parents make me feel that way again and I also promise myself that I would Never be in his presence. That was a bit unrealistic seeing he will always be in my brother’s life. After the graduation we went to dinner and there was some drinking and I did not have a physical craving for booze! I did not focus on my dad I focus most of my energy on my brothers, aunts, and stepmother and enjoy each moment laughing.
Every time I am in the Desert I try and get a tattoo. I want to celebrate getting sober with a gift for myself so I feel like a tattoo will do. Not sure what. I have a few ideas, ill decided a bit later. I want to make this a healing trip. When I was with my father I did not have any uneasy feelings except the beginning, which past quickly that felt really good. I also need to make time for my mother. My Mother wants to be in my life and makes more of an effort. For me to heal is to forgive and to forgive is to go in with an open mind and heart. I feel like my parents are not born with the intention to hurt their kids. Something probably happen to them as a child that I am unaware of and because of that they made choices that affect are lives but anyone can change if they want to.
My parents did the best they can with their mental state. I am unaware if my parents had loved ones call them out and try to create an intervention in the beginning of their disorder. I am lucky I had loved ones call me out on my alcoholic disorder and helped me see it. I hope my parents read this and know that its possible to change and change can be scary, lonely and hard at first but once you are open to accepting the truth, watch your thoughts and surrender. Life is so amazing and there is so much possibility with in them that shines so bright. I love you mom and dad. I will be here waiting when you are ready and if that day never comes that’s ok, my love for you wont fade. If anything my love is greater now that I am also going through my own alcoholic disorder. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself!
Today Has been an Amazing day. No cravings at all..You can still have a great time Sober. There was beer around me but i stayed focus on my long term goal. I used to focus only on my short terms goals which consist of booze, sex, tv, work, bars, and eating. It was a cycle, of course we need short term goals but i never had long term goals… I was very Stagnant in my own pity. What happens to a river that is stagnant? Every living, breathing, beautiful thing dies. We humans should not be stagnant in are lives. We should flow like a river constant growth, having long term goals, Always changing and evolving into something greater.
I am 28 but really i am only as old as how many days i am sober so that makes 3 days, it makes sense because now i have to learn how to have fun sober, love sober, be a good friend sober, drive sober, deal with my shit sober, let go sober, forgive sober. I did not have much time to reflect back on my childhood Maybe i just kinda pushed it off because it was a very dark place. I blocked it all out with substance, fear, instant gratifications, Sex, Junk food, and shopping.
I had really bad Anxiety at really young age, since i could remember. People always say you are not your past but i do believe it affects how you see the world today, its how you judge people, its how you treat yourself, its how you others. Its that road rage you get when you are driving..how dare you cut me off!!!!! Has everything to do with that 4 year old getting beaten…Are parents train us how to treat are selfs but whats amazing is we have the power to change… My family has a lot of addiction disorders, from meth, alcohol, weed, etc. So hopefully i can break that cycle.. See i was scared of everything as a child. Fear of Wind, Fear of choking on food, Fear of getting beat, Fear of being homeless, Fear of heights… My parents put that fear in me at a very young age before i can even speak i knew fear. As i got older my Fears evolve into Fear of change, Fear of loneliness, Fear of not fitting in, Fear of my partner cheating on me. Every time someone is around me in a bad mood i just assume its because of me. I Cant blame my parents, I blame myself for allowing my parents actions affect me into my adulthood.
So i know i have a long ways to go but i am going to take it day by day sometimes even min by min… But right now at this moment i am grateful for this bed i am about to pass out in and of course being 3 almost 4 days sober. Thanks again for all the support, I never though in my wildest dreams i would have all this love.
Sober Is The New Black 