DAY 62 Sober: Profoundly Misfortunate Childhood

This long read is Dark that might affect a lot of my family but its part of  the  process of healing. The point of it isn’t to hurt but to heal and write down with the eyes of that young child. Not the view of my brothers or trying to rationalize my parent’s behavior. I need to heal the hurting young kid that still weeps. Growing up I never talk to anyone about my childhood and teen years, my good friend Nikka and Marquita who I knew since kindergarten never met my mother nor my father. I put on a fake smile and denied everything. Living in a fantasy of false and pretend fairytale that was really a dark hole that consists of blood baths, fear, homelessness, molestation, drugs and selling my body. My goal is to go back and save that young kid with a beautiful smile and those big rounded brown eyes. This is my childhood from k-5, the memories are a bit jumbled and hard to remember the exact timeline but the events are real and the pain is real. I love my parents but this words needs to be let out. It will be a two part child hood and teen years.

 

I was born on a rainy day on 11:11:85 in Palm Springs California, I was the first born on my father’s side and at the time my mother already had a child from a previous marriage. Growing up I always lived in fear. My parent’s energy was so hostile and vulgar. Since I could remember I was walking on eggs shells that had needles. If I even looked the wrong way I would get beaten to the pole. My parents were on drugs most of my life. Around 3years old I remember living with my two brothers and my birth parents. They would get into these fights that would scare me to the core so bad that even when we were having a good time I was so scared of them fighting. I am extremely sensitive. I remember staying up most nights, with my ear to the their bedroom door listening. Waiting for the fight. When I heard peace I felt comfort so I would head to bed for few hours than my anxiety would kick in and so my ear was back at the door. I remember one day my parents were on the couch watching TV and I kept running from my bed to the end of the hallway so I can see if they were fighting. Eventually they notice and instead of comforting me a 3 year old they screamed and threaten to beat me. So I would run and hide. I don’t understand how parents can be that way to their own child. They are the cause of the uneasy feelings. I would always be afraid when my father would come home from work. At my age I couldn’t process fear so I acted out with anxiety and when I did they would beat me for it. I remember my father was trying to sleep and I had a cough, he didn’t want to hear me so he threw me out in rain in the middle of the night and locked the door of course I was screaming my head off. This pain I carry is deep its in every cell of my body and bone marrow. I don’t remember much from the time when my parents were together, just a blur. If I were to sum up that time it would consist of fights, extreme Fear, a lot of spanking, yelling, walking in on my parents having sex.

 

 Eventually my parent split. I had a babysitter that would come over; he lived across the street from the house. He was a family friend at the time and was a teenager I believe. When he would watch me he would show me his private part and have me touch him and do stuff to him. I am not sure if I seen my parents do it to each other and I wanted to act it out, somehow I knew mommy and daddy did those things, I had to be around 3 years old. I never told anyone this before and it feels good to speak out about it. We did not always have a babysitter. I remember Waking up and my mother would be gone so I would run around the house scared screaming and crying. Again fear! I kind of hate her right now as I am writing this because fear plays a huge role in my life now. When I look at the very few pictures I have of me as a child I just want to give myself a big hug, I really don’t remember hugs or kisses at all. I was such a cute kid that was very sensitive. The day after my father left a guy name Bert moved in and my mom said this is my new father and I have to call him dad. My mother must have been cheating on my father since the move in came quickly. My mom left my older brother father for my father quick too, not sure if I am even my father son. I don’t remember any family members really stepping in or even noticing. My older brother ran away to his father leaving my younger brother and I. From the outside my brother and I looked put together but the reality is it was noticeable that we were being abuse and I have forgiven my other family members for not stepping in, it took some time but I will never forget.

 

 My mother always depended on men for everything security, money, and happiness. My father was the same way with women. Bert my new father was a stoner who never worked, he would blow weed smoke in my brothers face and I all the time. He never kept a job, I think when my mother met him he was working for the city and got fired for buying booze with his work shirt on. After that he did odd jobs to get by and my mother never worked. Since no one kept a job we moved around a lot. When I started kindergarten my parents didn’t or couldn’t have my brother and I so they dropped us off with my great grandma. She was such a wonderful human that I am grateful for, Anita was her name and she made the best homemade tortilla with beans. She would get me ready in the morning. My mother eventually came back for us. My first grade memory that sticks to me was my mom calling me inside because she said, my grandma was on the phone, and she was lying. I ran inside, my mom was behind the door with a high heal behind her as I ran in from excitement she pounds my forehead with her heal blood everywhere my scream echoed. It still does till this day. My younger brother behind me getting that same heal across his head covered in my blood. Me and my brother got moved around all over, we moved to La Quinta and my mother did not want to enroll me in school so I walked myself to the local elementary school and gave them the packets the first day of school and again know one thought of calling social services.

 School was never important to my mother, my brother started kindergarten at 7 years old. The next year when I went to enroll again they said I never was a student. Eventually we were kick out of my aunts house. So from k-5 I was in 4 different schools been kick out of every home because my mother and Bert never paid their rent. We would lose everything in storages. I have nothing from my childhood except a few photos. I only had Trash bags of clothes. In 4 and 5th grade, we were really poor and went to bed hungry often. That’s when stealing really became a family habit. I was put in doggy doors so I can steal food for the family. We squatted in the home for a while didn’t pay rent and the owners couldn’t get us out.

 We never felt Secure. My mom was so abusive, neglect full and wouldn’t really feed us. So between moving all around there was pretty horrible blood baths even at one point living in what now seems like a crack house with a gun put to are heads. I wish I could have saved my brother. My mother had me lie to my teachers and birth father about my bruises and knots. So lying, fear, lack of security, hurt and anger was instilled in me at a very young age and became the foundation of me. I am so grateful I had my brother to lean on and to help pass time. My brother and I became animals stealing food from stores, sneaking food in the middle of the night to are room like rodents. When we had roofs over are head it never was a home. At times we did not have Electricity so are house will get dark really quick. Are fridge would be an igloo cooler and showers would be in the dark. At a young age I lived in my mind the whole time make believe was my best friend.

 There is so much more I can write down but these are the ones that stick out at the moment maybe ill save in for my bio. So now I go and weep for that hurting 3 year old who lives in fear from people hurting him, going to hold his hand and kiss his forehead while he weeps. Going to sit next to him and ease his anxiety with a sweet lullaby. I want to carry him from that past of profound misfortunate and into the moment of endless possibility. So he can see the beauty in life. Sober is the New Black

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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DAY 56 Sober: Homeward bound

Hello friends Today is day 56 sober, I woke up feeling really blessed. Today I travel back home to palm springs for the weekend. I always enjoy heading back, seeing family, seeing great friends, and of course eating all the yummy food I miss.  Going back Sober means a lot to me, in the past when I went home my mindset wasn’t clear, I had angry built up for my birth parents, I was drunk most of the time, I did not enjoy the moments. I probably wont see my birth parents but I do love them and wish them well. This trip will be filled with lots of love, food, laughter, tons of relatives, and a trip to a local Gay club. I love to dance and I need to start doing more stuff I love to do and less stuff I don’t like doing, life is to short. Maybe I can find a make out buddy but I won’t be holding my breath. 

My old night life in palm springs was always chaos before I would head out I knew that something would happen that will either lead to a drunken argument, fight, losing my ride home, arrest, getting kicked out of the club or bar, tying to score, tons of vomit and some crazy fling that was pretty horrible, I really had no respect for my body at all. I started going to a popular club around 15 yrs. old since then I’ve been kicked out tons of time.  I still can’t believe I made it out of Palm Springs alive and that I am in the space that I am in right now. Dancing is fun but I also want to sit a coffee shop and write, when I lived in the desert my mindset was in a different place so to do what I love back home would be a nice change. I never would write back home, I know my creative inspiration would blossom.

I enjoy somewhat of a routine in my life and when I don’t have it I get a bit sad, I feel like it stems from having such an unstable childhood and no really security, I so need that now but I need to change that it’s not healthy I am no longer in that environment.  I need to focus on the moments and say my grateful prayer each morning. It’s usually in the shower, cleanse from the day before. A refreshing new start. I give up every negative thought that bother me the day before, I ask my high power turn me upside down shake out all the negative thoughts, anger, hurt, pain, past, ego, fear, people criticism and put in happy thoughts, courage, compassion, love, joy, laughter, accepting of others, creativity, awareness and stillness. I used to look outward for those things but those are all created from within, I am the co-creator with the ultimate creator. Sober is the New Black

I am grateful for life, being sober, for family and for my aunt Angie for picking me up!

The killers are one of my favorite band of all time. The killers carry me home is the perfect road trip

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 55 Sober: Now and Then

Hello friends today is day 55 sober, 5 more days away from 2 months. I am so grateful Ive made it this far.  There are some key differences this time around getting sober. When I stop drinking in the past I wanted to just stop drinking that’s it, I believe I had the power to live the same life, hangout out in the same places,  just stop the drinking not work on the cause. I Did not fully accept I was an addict. I thought I could eventually portion control my booze.  I did not understand that everything negative in my life was caused by my drinking.  I was Ashamed and Embarrassed to speak up about my Addiction and wanted know one to know. I did not understand That Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) is a disorder that acts out when you are not treating it with Alcohol. The disorder will convince you to lie, cheat, steal to get booze. I was unaware that the voice in my head wasn’t me it was the ISM. It sounded like me, knew what story to tell me to get me to a bar.  I also didn’t know how to surrender to my Higher Power, as I understood it to be. I did  not realize that the my addiction stems from my childhood, booze helped me cope with life.  I was an addict before i took my first drink. 

I am so grateful my eyes are clear and Not only do I understand those things mention, I truly feel it in my bones and every cell of my body. Now the smell and sight of Alcohol makes me nauseous. Gives me a bitter taste of vomit and there is know longer an emotional attachment. I know ill never drink or crave booze but since I am not treating the ISM disorder (Inside self & Mind) it can resurface in my life in other ways, so I have to watch my mind, my feelings, and my thoughts.  Everything about my life has to change, if I used to walk on the right side of the street I now walk on the left side. 

This weekend I’ll be heading back home to Palm Springs, CA. I am very excited to see my family and friends. It feels good going back to my roots sober and clear minded. Other healing trip for me! I love walking down the same streets in a new character, A new me, A better me. A stronger me.

I am grateful for life, for my clear mind, my family, and for Sober is the New Black

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

This photo is my 4am at work face

4am sober face

4am sober face

DAY 48 SOBER: Amanda Palmer “In My Mind”

Hello friends, todays Day 48 sober and I am feeling Alive. I’ve only been up a few hours but I feel like today is going to be a great day. I was supposed to start my workout routine yesterday but of course my eyes got sleepy and needed to get home. Today I am sure my eyes will get sleepy again. It will happen in time. Soon I will break that mental blockage and start working out. I really have no excuse except being tired, which is caused by me. I did start working on my childhood mini bio, it’s a hard write and it will be a hard read. I find myself having mini crying session when I am writing which is a very therapeutic. I am grieving for that 3-year-old boy. 

My job is on the same street as my ex and so yesterday after work I was walking and seen him pull out, and my whole body went numb and I felt the air left my lungs, I did not have any sadness more of a shock. It makes me feel good knowing my feelings are fading. It did get my mind going a bit, on how people can be so close, best friends like than one minute walk by each other like are connection never existed, its like animal instinct, survivor mode. Granted he was in the car and I was walking but even if he’d be walking, I am unsure how it would have played out. He probably did not even see me. Need to pick a new street to walk down. It doesn’t really bother me walking down my old street; its funny because my old  neighbor still thinks I live their, she is an interesting character to say the least. She has a white poodle like dog that is so cute.  She always asks me to let me ex know if he can photograph her dog. 

Today I will be having dinner with a friend and writing before hand! This month will be a packed month! This coming weekend I will be spending it with a great friend I have not seen in awhile, slumber party, great talks, and food! The weekend after, ill be heading back home to Palm Springs for a birthday party! The weekend after, some friends invited me on their annual camping trip to Kern River near Lake Isabella in Bakersfield, CA. I need to figure out my Wi-Fi because Sober is the New Black is my baby and the weekend after ill be heading back to Palm springs for my niece birthday!  So excited to be sober and clear mind so I experience all those sober!

I am grateful for my awesome friends, Love and my job! Amanda palmer is such an amazing Artist. singer, performer, human! Her video “In my Mind” is brilliant. Hope you enjoy!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo 

DAY 37 Sober: True love will find you in the End

Hello friends today is day 37 sober and it has been an incredible weekend. My best friend, stepmother has left back home it was nice talking to her and spending a couple days laughing, eating and talking. My bother nick also came down he just graduated high school and is on his way to finding himself, he is very old fashion and has a great heart.  They both have been very supportive in me getting sober. I have four other brothers 3 out of 5 brothers struggle with substance abuse I am one of them. So today as I was in the shower I was thinking about how prevalent addiction is in my family. Grandfather (addict) father (addict) myself and two brothers (addicts). That’s just part of the family tree. It’s something I have to keep in mind this family pattern/addiction needs to end with me so my kids and their kids wont have this horrible mental disorder in their life. I need to evolve, create a new life, and start new traditions so they wont suffer like I did. Change not just for me but also for the future Vasquez boys.   

 

This is the first time I am all alone living life. I’ve always lived with family or a boyfriend. Its freeing and also its giving me the necessary time to find myself… Everyday I am sober things are becoming clearer especially my 3 year relationship. Nothing Vince did really bother me his Grouchiness, the way he liked things to be; he liked things to be setup his way. He never really wanted to do stuff I enjoyed doing like bowl, concerts,  goodwill etc.  He wasn’t open to letting the Relationship flow.  He also never wanted to join me back home in Palm Springs. He did not want to meet any of my friends or meet any of my new family members. At times he was closed off, pushed me away, cold, not interested. In the beginning of the relationship he would always tell me he was unsure if we should be together (There’s a point to all this, not trying to bash Vince at all) He would also ignore me a few days each month and Then after the 3 days he would say sorry but it would happen again a month later, He would tell me it was an issue within himself which is fair we all have issues. I would call it his monthly period. With all that I did not care. I focus on the amazing stuff. When you are in relationship you have to let the other person evolve and change into the person they will become and let them learn from Lessons of life on their own (I HATE THE WORD MISTAKES BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING). My love was pure and strong because I saw past that dislikes and saw the likes.  I saw his heart, his smile, loved his laugh.

 

It’s clear to me now that he would have left me sober or drunk. He just was not happy with are relationship. Maybe he was also unhappy with himself. His idea of what he wanted in a partner wasn’t me. We both wanted different things and enjoyed different things in life. My Addiction just made it easier so we can part. No one else lived in the apartment expect Vince and I. The main difference is I would have met him halfway but he wasn’t ever willing to but that’s ok or maybe he did with certain things this is just me writing how I feel at the moment. I hope he finds a better fit and I hope I find a better fit. We are only on earth for a short period of time. No matter what, Vince has been a huge part of my life and he might not be in my life physically but he will always be in my heart like an imprint and the lessons he thought me will guided me into a new sober life.  Sober is the New Black. True love will find us in the End we just have to be open to it and not let the past confuse us! Leaving you guys with a song that was playing in the Koreatown coffee shop. Its kind of perfect for this post! Beck true love will find you in the end

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 35 Sober: Spiritual Guides

Hello Friends today is 35 days sober! The last couple of days have been really great; I have not had any sad moments. I’ve been meeting new people and hanging out so the loneliness part has been fading. It’s a day-to-day process but at this moment I am feeling great. Today my family comes out to visit me! I am so excited to see my best friend! My stepmother has been a rock in my life also giving me great advice to help me get through the past few months. The end of last year and the beginning of this year was the hardest time of my life so far! A break up and getting sober at the same time was very difficult but sometimes to evolve into greatness you might have to endure great pain!

When I was in my early 20’s I had someone read me with tarot cards and at the point I had already had a lot of pain from my childhood. What the person said as he read me was I had a really dark past like unbearable! That was accurate. He also said that a lady with dark hair (stepmother) has and will continue to be a huge angel in my life and that was true! The last thing he said was a lot more pain will come, I didn’t understand because I already had a lot of pain in my childhood and I couldn’t imagine what pain can be worst but it turnout he was right. He said it would only last into my late 20’s so what I believe is all that pain from the past was supposed to happen so I can use it for greatness in my later years. 

 The reason I went to see the tarot card reader in the first place because I wanted to know if I would die young and if it will be from illness, he said no! When I was a kid I lived in fear and it crossed over into my adulthood.  Since then I have never been to a reading again, but this one time at gay bar in Palm Springs some drag queen grabbed my face and looked into my eyes and started to read me and I got spooked so I disconnect from her eyes so she stopped, I guess the only way she could read someone was to look into their eyes. She was spot on about everything.  So from my experience I believe that there are certain people that are born with talents that are connected with the spirit life or maybe they use more of the brain than the majority of us use. I don’t know just from what I have experience. Both of them did not charge one cent, they were both spur of the moments and free! 

Today is day 35 sober and I am so grateful to be alive and sober! Greatness is on the horizon; I can feel it in my bones. 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo