DAY 295 Sober: Lack of Inspiration

Hello Friends today is day 295 sober. I just got to my favorite café in Korea town, this blog was started in k-town and I am sure one-day end in k-town. I am in my nine months sober and this month has been amazing but also a bit confusing. This month I have felt a lack of inspiration, my work season will be ending soon and I will have a few months of to do whatever I pleased.

Not sure were the lack of inspiration is coming from but it might have to do with me feeling my life isn’t were I thought it would be. Even with the lack of inspiration in my nine months I still did not have a craving for substance. The way I’m programming my mind is to always see the silver lining. 9 months is a huge deal but isn’t that long to have created a whole new life. I’ve been an addict most of my life so I can’t expect 9 months sober to change over 15 years of substance abuse. I just have to stay sober and work my shit out. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what I have accomplished so far. Last year around this time I was in court due to my mind disorder. So looking back helps me see that every part of my life is going great without booze. Lately some negative thoughts have been creeping up in my mind and not in the form of wanting to use but in the way I see others and myself. I am happy to be aware of it so I can change the tune of that voice. I need to read more and hangout with my in light or others call it GOD. Its ok, to feel not feel ok. I just cant live in it and change whatever it is that’s is making feel not ok.

I’ve been traveling a lot and it’s been amazing. This coming weekend ill be headed out to Nevada. Very excited for that going for a concert. I am planning a month trip somewhere once my work season is complete. The season starts back up in August so ill have around 4 months off to write and work on sober is the new black.

 

I have always been a bit of an introvert and would rather sit and write or watch film than be out socializing. That is something I need to be working on. Lately I’ve been meeting some cool people, new friends and learning how to build healthy relationships. In the past if a friend offended me or did something that didn’t sit well with my ego I would cut them off. I didn’t realize any kind of relationship whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or family takes work to build a strong friendship. Like listening without ego, spending time, showing love in the form of actions not just words, making an effort etc. All relationships go up and down just grateful to have a clean mind to work it out.

I just want to stop losing people I love. I think the more I am sober the less likely people will leave my life and more likely stay. Sober is the new black.

 

 

Here are some poems that I have written the past few days, hope you enjoy some of these raw feelings

would you look at me you all you need is you dream vs grim tale

Completely not me from Jenny Lewis lyrics sing true to my heart. hope you enjoy it as well.

 

DAY 161 SOBER: Loving me Whole

Hello Friends today is day 161 sober, It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles. I needed some new optical glasses and headed over to little Tokyo, Warby Parker has some amazing glasses. I am now at my Favorite Coffee shop in Korea town. My goal this weekend is to write and spend sometime relaxing with my brother. I’ve been working ton of hours that allows little to no writing time. I am so grateful for the readers of Sober is the new black, This month the blog will be more active with my poetry, writing and starting some new aspects, That currently in the works. My book will be done in May and hopefully to print. Since I have gotten sober, I’ve had one craving about a month ago.

 The mind is so different this time sober because I shut down that craving quickly. It was a huge step in my recovery process in the past, I would dwell and suffer in that craving but I change my thought and reminded myself of step one. It vanished, Cravings are part of the recovery process and I use that experience as a test to see if my program is working. So far my program is working, it helped me get through it and no cravings since.

 

This week I was on instagram and found a photo of a monk and his brother, both so different. I love looking at people from a far or photos and finding a story. When I saw this photo it impacted me tremendously. People could read it as good or bad, I see it more as the monk accepting his brother whole, seeing him only in the light of love and not in his own opinion or ego. I want to start seeing people souls more as opposed to their life scars that lay on their skin. I don’t know their story or why they are the way they are. I am not here to judge but I am here to hold their hand while they weep. I am going to be 29 in a week and I want to start being kinder, letting go of mind funk that makes me feel lesser at times. I need to be kinder to myself.

 

I want people to see past my disorder, my chubby cheeks, the food I eat, past my old ways and see my soul, see the good in me. Yes my disorder hurt a lot of people caused a lot of tears but I am a changed person due to my recovery, Lesson learned and the wheels keep turning. The photo below is of a monk and  his brother, I hope today the readers suffer less and become fearless in the fight of sobriety. Sober is the new black.

 

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Sober is the New Black 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 68 Sober: Knowing my Triggers

Hello friends, today is day 68 sober. I woke up happy as can be. I feel such a relief from yesterday post about my childhood. It was freeing and letting the words fall out from inside me out into the universe. Those words have been suffocating me for years. I am currently sitting on in a café in Koreatown listening to Amanda Palmer Ampersand. Music is such a powerful healing tool, it opens up my heart so I can cry those healing tears and some music fills my soul the strength for the day. Lately I’ve been swimming in music. Koreatown in Los Angeles is my favorite place to live. I currently live close to downtown LA but want to move back to this area. I have the next two days off so film; writing and sleep are on agenda. I opened the email sent from the Editor, it had feedback on my “untitled book”. It all made sense but I haven’t had time to finish all the corrections. My goal is to finish it these two days, so Coffee and more coffee will be my companion. Lately I’ve been feeling creative in my bed with the lights off like a love affair with my lab top. I tend sleep next to my MAC, It goes everywhere with me.

 

I need to be aware of my triggers when it comes to my Addiction that is called Alcoholism. I need to go back and see what went wrong the last time I got sober, what was the triggers that brought me back to using. First, I did not have a program to help me over come the body disorder the craving part. Second I did not have a program to help me with the mental part of the disorder. I didn’t have the right mental tools.  My triggers were boredom, when I was bored I drank. Also loneliness was a trigger. When I  felt alone I drank. Now I am alone now and I don’t have cravings at all, instead I crave life, being kind, helping others when I can, writing, and film. I am never am bored, I don’t let myself, and I always have my day plan out so I can stay busy. I use to just wonder through life without long term goals always focusing on instant gratification never trying to work towards long-term gratification that is more rewarding. I was lazy and content with not putting work into myself. Now I try to limit my instant gratification, before if I wanted something I got it without looking at my checkbook. I do allow healthy mind, body and soul instant gratifications but a limit. Now I say no to myself most of the time because I need to save for my long-term goals or gratifications. I won’t let boredom inn. The number one reason for me relapsing was letting the mental disorder convince me that I am not an addict. I am now in control of my thoughts so my mental disorder has no power over my self awareness and higher power and I fully surrender to my higher power that I understand it to be.

 

I also allow myself to feel sad emotions. I don’t hold it in, letting it out in my tears. I also try and live in the moment all the time, not letting my mind control my life anymore and let my soul lead. Thoughts and mind are amazing if I use it for positively to help me but when I use it to be self -abusive like comparing myself to others and jealous brings me closer to my Addiction. Sober is the New Black.

I am grateful for life, for falling in love with myself and for my higher power.

 

The greatest love of all Whitney Houston is prefect. The greatest love of all is within me.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 65 Sober: A Coffee Shop Boy

Hello friends, today is day 65 sober, yesterday when I left work I was headed to write but felt sick  and started to get hives. So I decided it was best to head home. I jump in bed at 5pm and woke up today at 11pm, no work. I woke up a few moments in the early am hours to rummage in my fridge for a quick bite, which consisted of peanut butter and pretzels. I feel fine today and the hives are almost gone. Growing up I always got hives and shingles due to stress. I am now at a Boba coffee shop in Koreatown it’s my new favorite spot. It rained a bit today in Los Angeles, which is weird for July. This coffee shop has the best coffee and some great eye candy. This is the second time coming here and I walked in and this boy was standing behind the counter and I was focus on looking for my debit card but when I looked up, I was stunned by his physical appearance, sweat started to pour down my face and I was flush red. He did not have a name tag but I haven’t felt that way in a longtime since Vince, I would always get nervous around him. Even at the end. I will appreciate the physical beauty of a man but will only act when I feel that inner connection that I want. I do wonder what he thought seeing me get all flustered, I know he notice my weirdness, he probably thought man that guy must have workout or man he sweats a lot. Well it was raining so that could have saved me. Ok I need to focus as he’s working right in front of me. I can give you a play by play but this post can’t be all about a beautiful coffee shop guy.

 

On the way to this coffee shop I was sitting on the metro tuning into peoples conversation and what I heard is a lot of dislike about life, which is valid points because I don’t walk their steps but it got me thinking about myself. I need to be a lot more aware of words I put out into the universe. I am not a negative person but I am not perfect and can always be better. At work I tend to speak out about stuff I don’t like, when I do that then I am not living in a state of gratefulness. I should always say what I love about life or always see the sliver lining. Like I can be waiting for the bus, its hot and I am tired, instead of saying it or let my emotions get tied up in the thoughts I can think or say thank you higher power for this sober ride home and thank you for this job that have that I can live comfortably with and still have some leftovers for my fun. As I get to sober and get to know me, I am finding some amazing awesomeness but also I finding cracks that have been harden from long term self abuse and outer abuse that need to be heal and it starts with my thoughts and thinking. I get millions of thoughts a day and that’s ok and some might be negative and that’s ok but they key is not letting the negative thoughts affects my emotions, words and my attitude of the moment. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for my inner beauty, beauty in life and this beautiful coffee shop boy. Landon Pigg “Falling in love at a coffee shop” is a perfect song for this moment.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

 

DAY 62 Sober: Sober from Past, Pain, Fear, Guilt, Booze

Hello friends today is day 62 sober, I am sitting in Koreatown in this amazing peaceful café that has such a beautiful surrounding. Today is my first Thursday off of work in awhile. I slept in pretty late, it felt so good to let my body choose when its ready to wake. I woke up so happy, my usual routine when I first wake is to turn to my side and grab my phone, and check my blog Sober is the New Black than Facebook. It feels so great seeing the love from others and it warms my day. Today my plan is to finish my long read that consist of my childhood and teen years. Yesterday I talked to most of my family and they are so supportive in my journey in sobriety, Very grateful for their love. When i get in the shower I meet with my higher-power and i cleanse yesterdays fears and worries. Today is a fresh start with endless possibilities, no matter that state of mind I am currently in or was I control my mind and thoughts, good ones inn, bad ones out. Not going to be a prisoner of yesterdays actions but a pioneer of today moments! This is a short post but my goal is to have my childhood and teen years up later today so I have to prepare my mind and prepare to weep for that 3 year old Adolfo. Leaving with a song that is so inspiring, I am grateful for life, being Sober, and for everybody who is in recovery standing with me in this battle, Sober from past, sober from ego, sober from pain, sober from fear, sober from Booze 

Skyscraper From Demi Lovato is for Alcohol that has taken it all away. 

 

Stay connect with Love, Adolfo

DAY 41 Sober: Oprah Winfrey “Surrender”

Hello Friends today is day 41 Sober and it has been such an amazing day. I am sitting in a coffee shop in Koreatown, Ca. This place has been a safe place for me.  Sober is the New Black has been such a form of therapy for me and I am so grateful for it. Yesterday post on Oprah Winfrey was part one; the second part is about Surrendering. I saw this a while back and at the time I was struggling with surrendering but Oprah Winfrey has thought me how too. Surrendering brings so much peace.  Surrendering is a big part of me getting sober. The last few attempts at trying to stay sober was not successful because I thought I can do it on my own by not drinking. I did not understand the process of surrendering to a higher power! Once you Surrender to a higher power that you understand it to be in your life. Infinite Possibilities are waiting for you!

Hope this video helps anyone who is struggling with surrendering in any aspect in their life whether it be Loss, Addiction,or from past.

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo