3 Years Sober

 

Hello, Friends today I’m 3 years sober. The last few days I have been celebrating with loved ones, including a dinner tonight. This past week I have been Self Reflecting on my journey in recovery. It brings me to tears seeing where I’ve been and where I am at today. The pain, the struggle, the tears, the work, the sadness, the healing, the unknowns, the anxiety, the fears were all worth this moment here now. I feel peaceful and immense gratitude for my recovery. Life does get better even in challenging times. Now that I’m sober and clean I find the solution quicker or see my human errors faster. It seemed like my second year sober has flown by. Time goes fast, while I am happy, content and sober. While in addiction it seemed like time was the enemy, filled with pain and waiting for the next drink.

 

This year my goal was to create new experiences, create a healthy balanced life, and work toward my dreams. I also wanted to get to know myself more see my defects and assets clearly. A balanced lifestyle is vital for my life because it prevents another addiction or stops any obsessions from growing. Now that my soul and mind feel clean, healthy and free I am starting to work on my body. I stopped nicotine, and cut back on my caffeine intake. I allow myself one cup of coffee in the morning instead of 5 shots of espresso. I also stopped diet cokes and red bulls. I want to be free from all vices and really present in my day. I want to be healthy all around, and don’t want to take life for granted.

 

My second year sober has been amazing but at times challenging. There are areas in life that I’ve made real progress like working towards my book series and my relationship but I also regressed in other areas. It’s okay to have moments of regression because we are human and not perfect. What’s important is to see the regression, see the poor choices or find my human errors and defects. It’s important to take accountability and accept the consequences. These human errors are just lessons to bring a greater awareness of self. I can choose to wallow in pity and sit in sorrow or learn and make different choices. Every time I have a human error, I forgive myself right away. I have to, I don’t allow my ego or infected mind to beat me up but I do change what is needed or find out why I did what I did.

 

Forgiving yourself is freeing, it brings you back to the present where the solution lives. In the past I would be sad for days, allowing my mind to be abusive to my soul. In sobriety I came to a realization that I am not my past; I am the lesson learned from my past. I have to stay vigilant because my disease never goes away. Everyday I ask myself questions like what is guiding me? Is it my diseased ego mind or addiction voice? Is it my higher power or true self? When life seemed chaotic I knew I took a wrong turn somewhere or living from my ego. When I become aware that I am off track than I search within my soul to see where I got off track. My reactions, emotions, and situations are evidence showing me there is something wrong inside myself. Through prayer and meditation I can slow the mind to find the solution. After I see my human errors make different choices and keep it moving. Human errors are easy to overcome when I don’t wallow in pity but find the lesson or solution.

 

My second year sober was not challenging in the sense of not drinking, I’ve only had one craving in three years sober and that was in my first few months. Challenging in living life on life terms. I have to accept the universe, I can’t fight against it. I will lose, the universe is way more powerful than my human capabilities. Also the universe is always speaking to me and showing me what I need to do or stop doing, what needs healing or gives opportunities for growth.  It might feel horrible or uncomfortable but its trying to push me to my full potential. Life is real, truer, and I also feel life extremely.

 

Something I realized this year is I don’t do well in stressful situations, and in the past I was better. I need to really work on calming my mind and body in unforeseen events.  I tend to get deep anxiety that can last for a week. That just the way my body and diseased mind works. I don’t take medications for my anxiety and have holistic treatments, if it gets bad. In my second year sober I felt more anxiety than usual. I had to accept what I was feelings and let it flow out of me. I had to sit on a cold floor, take a warm bath, let out tears and meditate, or go for a walk. In the depths of addiction, I wasn’t living, feeling, or dealing with life. Sober has forced me to deal and feel.

 

 

I still consider myself a newbie because I am only three years sober, three years of getting to know true self, watching my mind and healing my darkness. I still don’t know all the reasons why I became an addict but in time they will surface. It took sometime for me to realize that a reason for my Addiction was to numb my anxiety. My first year sober was more about getting to know the addiction that lived in the mind and separating addiction from true self. My first year sober I was overly focused on doing whatever it took to maintaining sobriety. This second year was all about creating a more balanced life and recovery program. I got to be very intimate with myself so I know what worked and what didn’t.  Life also got more complex, so i had to learn how to balance healing in recovery and creating a healthy relationship. I was able to find a more balanced recovery program. My life has gotten bigger, a lot of change and also new challenges. I moved into a new home with the love of my life, got a new job, loss some people and stop nicotine. In those big changing times I did not crave and for that I am grateful.

 

Challenging times is only a challenge if I define it as a challenge. I can change my perception to an opportunity to learn. I have to always see the sliver lining. It does get easier to not pick up a drink but that doesn’t mean life is miraculously perfect or gets better without work, time and effort. I had to take time to sit with myself to see what I needed to heal, I had to put work in to change the way my mind thinks. I do find myself being able to find happiness within my soul in hard times easily. I don’t allow my mind to run off or allow my emotions to bring me to a dark place. I allow the tears to flow and accept what is. Accepting what is creates freedom to change or create. If I don’t accept what is than I am not dealing with reality, it will create anger or resentment towards people and the universe.

 

I am also learning what it means to form healthy relationships, create boundaries with some and cutting out people who are unhealthy. My life was going great in most aspects and some parts of my life seemed chaotic. In one relationship in particular, I kept allowing bad behavior from a person. I kept forgiving and letting go, than found myself week’s later stressed out, filled with anxiety or hurt by them again. It’s no ones fault but my own, it has to come back to self, I allowed their bad behavior. I had to take deep look within my soul to see why I allowed their bad behavior to go on for so long. I still don’t have a clear answer since we recently parted ways. I do know there is some unhealed trauma that allows unhealthy people into my life. That relationship was causing deep anxiety.

 

Forgiving doesn’t mean I should still be around them if the bad behavior continues. Since I kept allowing that person to hurt me, the pressure built and built and I imploded with anxiety.  I can forgive and let them go. I still care deeply for this person they’re part of my family. So I know I need  to coexist with  boundaries. My well-being and sobriety has to come first over everything including my relationships. I don’t know what the future holds for that person and me. I’m wiser because of the failed relationship. I also have to acknowledge the blood on my hands in the failed relationship and see what I can do better. I can’t change them but can change myself. That person brought out issues that I need to work on. In some weird way I am grateful for that experience because it has forced me to start creating boundaries and taught me to communicate when I feel a hurt by another person. Not to say everything is fine when it’s not. I was burying my emotions that created me to have irrational behavior. That person was a great teacher.  I had to go through that experience to see there is something in me that needs healing for allowing bad behavior in my life. I am grateful for that chaotic time because it is bringing me a greater self-awareness.

 

I want to around people who enhances my life and not around chaos and drama. I have forgiven and have compassion for that person. I also can’t spend energy and time trying to find closure. There will be times I wont have closure and I have to accept that. That person is committed to never understanding my feelings or why I had to cut them out. I can’t force someone to take responsibility; I had to accept that person doesn’t care. In any loss relationship whether with friends or family it’s hard. Feeling the loss is hard but possible to overcome wiser.This second year sober has taught me how to say no to others and yes to myself.

 

I am grateful for my sobriety that has allowed me to see clearly who is unhealthy and who is healthy. I am grateful for my partner Vince who is my biggest cheerleader but also a person who calls it like it is. He shines a light on my defects and assets. He helps me see the good and not so good in me, I am not perfect but always a work progress. This year sober theme was duality, regressions but also blooming. There are still some old behavior that has brought chaos to my life, but I am grateful that I am sober so I can fully understand it and change it. I am never working towards perfection but towards be whole in my soul.

 

My book series is complete and should be out in 2018. It still feels surreal and brings tears to my eyes. Not only is it possible to overcome addiction but to achieve real dreams that once seemed far out of reach. I was always reaching for the bottle but now I am reaching for my dreams.

 

Stay connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Here are some poems I created since my last post

 

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DAY 295 Sober: Lack of Inspiration

Hello Friends today is day 295 sober. I just got to my favorite café in Korea town, this blog was started in k-town and I am sure one-day end in k-town. I am in my nine months sober and this month has been amazing but also a bit confusing. This month I have felt a lack of inspiration, my work season will be ending soon and I will have a few months of to do whatever I pleased.

Not sure were the lack of inspiration is coming from but it might have to do with me feeling my life isn’t were I thought it would be. Even with the lack of inspiration in my nine months I still did not have a craving for substance. The way I’m programming my mind is to always see the silver lining. 9 months is a huge deal but isn’t that long to have created a whole new life. I’ve been an addict most of my life so I can’t expect 9 months sober to change over 15 years of substance abuse. I just have to stay sober and work my shit out. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what I have accomplished so far. Last year around this time I was in court due to my mind disorder. So looking back helps me see that every part of my life is going great without booze. Lately some negative thoughts have been creeping up in my mind and not in the form of wanting to use but in the way I see others and myself. I am happy to be aware of it so I can change the tune of that voice. I need to read more and hangout with my in light or others call it GOD. Its ok, to feel not feel ok. I just cant live in it and change whatever it is that’s is making feel not ok.

I’ve been traveling a lot and it’s been amazing. This coming weekend ill be headed out to Nevada. Very excited for that going for a concert. I am planning a month trip somewhere once my work season is complete. The season starts back up in August so ill have around 4 months off to write and work on sober is the new black.

 

I have always been a bit of an introvert and would rather sit and write or watch film than be out socializing. That is something I need to be working on. Lately I’ve been meeting some cool people, new friends and learning how to build healthy relationships. In the past if a friend offended me or did something that didn’t sit well with my ego I would cut them off. I didn’t realize any kind of relationship whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or family takes work to build a strong friendship. Like listening without ego, spending time, showing love in the form of actions not just words, making an effort etc. All relationships go up and down just grateful to have a clean mind to work it out.

I just want to stop losing people I love. I think the more I am sober the less likely people will leave my life and more likely stay. Sober is the new black.

 

 

Here are some poems that I have written the past few days, hope you enjoy some of these raw feelings

would you look at me you all you need is you dream vs grim tale

Completely not me from Jenny Lewis lyrics sing true to my heart. hope you enjoy it as well.

 

DAY 96 Sober: The best I can Be

Hello friends today is day 96 sober, it’s been a great day so far. I feel like I need more reading in my life, going to look for newly sober book. With every day that passes my love for myself gets stronger and what used to hurt me or anger me, no longer does. The Only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, I need to constantly be working towards creating a better me, do what works best for me. In the past I got sober for all the wrong reason, hence my relapse.

 

 I celebrate being sober everyday like a birthday even if I am sad because I am coping with life. That’s amazing me dealing with life, I used to run from issues now I cut right true them. Getting to know myself is a great feeling, knowing what I want, what I need to work on, Instead of trying to be perfect, I am learning how to become more human. I don’t believe in mistakes I feel like the universe knows exactly what I need to experience so I can learn and grow. Lesson may not be seen right away but they will blossom at some point. Today living in a state of gratefulness is keeping me sober and being aware of the mental disorder, that voice that is losing its power as I write these words down.

 

 Life seems very simple in sobriety not that chaos of drunken stumbles. Everything is flowing like that river. Just be the best I can be and the universe will work the rest. My brother Andrew will be moving out to LA sometime next week or so, very excited to have my brother out here, so much opportunity out here for him. Are home town is a great place to retire but not for finding your passion. I’ll never go back, it just memory filled. Not the ones I’d like to remember. People that want to see me make an effort I am grateful for that, those are the ones that have always made an effort as I do as well. Change is great opportunity whether change is wanted or not. My brother moving out here won’t affect my goals or my sobriety, my mind is clear. There are rules already in place that he is aware of, no booze or drugs allowed in my home period. I hope this move can give my brother some growth and long terms goals, anything is possible in life, you just have to want it really bad and work towards it with a positive mindset. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for books, family, friends, love and making connections with people.

 

Stay connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Fitz and the Trantrums Moneygrabber is dedicated to the booze. Don’t come back you are no longer welcome in this home, you already blinded me in the past

 

 

DAY 78 Sober: Sobriety is A Flowing River

Hello, Friends Today is day 78 Sober. It’s been a great day. Just woke up from a midday nap, going to head to a coffee shop for a late night writing session. My mind is focus and nothing going to stop me from my goal. I have six poems birth and one more is on its way. I purchase a coffee maker and I am not sure if it’s just new or I am a bad coffee maker but it was the worst tasting batch ever. Tomorrow is my day off,  so ill be heading to a local flea market. The flea market is one of my favorite things to do on a Sunday morning I also plan on writing the final installment in my mini bio. That post should be done very soon. Life is flowing and everything seems to be falling into place so perfectly, I am so grateful for my sobriety. Yesterday I spent sometime with an amazing woman and amazing kids. We went shopping at target. From day one she’s been supportive on my way into sobriety. I am grateful for her wisdom, support and non-judgment. At my bottom, she saw in me what I see in myself today.

 

 Sobriety is a flowing  river nurturing surroundings, filled with life, continuing to push through waterfalls and finding its way over barriers. Alcohol is like a pond, Stagnant, lifeless and if you drink its toxic water you become ill, may even die, never flowing or evolving or growing, just staying still. I am the River. In sobriety the growing, the work is the fun part because I am getting to find love for life and myself. I am connecting the dots from childhood to adulthood. I am forgiving, creating love for others and me. I am very passionate for life and creating my own path. It is really awesome getting to know me. I use to live in bars but now I dance to the flow of life. The real Adolfo, I am still the same food loving, clueless at times, funny person just more peaceful, calmer with sense of self and purpose, with out that deep sadness. My face no longer hangs low but fly’s high with life. Greatness is upon me, I feel it inside, nothing and no one can take away the deep love I feel for myself. No circumstance, no hurt, no one. Yeah, life will happen and I will get sad a bit but I choose how long I want to suffer and with the deep love I have for myself it gets easier to get back up and refocus. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for family, friends and for love.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

I rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery, Glad I didn’t die before i met you. Bright eyes First day of my life is such a powerful song. love, love. 

DAY 55 Sober: Now and Then

Hello friends today is day 55 sober, 5 more days away from 2 months. I am so grateful Ive made it this far.  There are some key differences this time around getting sober. When I stop drinking in the past I wanted to just stop drinking that’s it, I believe I had the power to live the same life, hangout out in the same places,  just stop the drinking not work on the cause. I Did not fully accept I was an addict. I thought I could eventually portion control my booze.  I did not understand that everything negative in my life was caused by my drinking.  I was Ashamed and Embarrassed to speak up about my Addiction and wanted know one to know. I did not understand That Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) is a disorder that acts out when you are not treating it with Alcohol. The disorder will convince you to lie, cheat, steal to get booze. I was unaware that the voice in my head wasn’t me it was the ISM. It sounded like me, knew what story to tell me to get me to a bar.  I also didn’t know how to surrender to my Higher Power, as I understood it to be. I did  not realize that the my addiction stems from my childhood, booze helped me cope with life.  I was an addict before i took my first drink. 

I am so grateful my eyes are clear and Not only do I understand those things mention, I truly feel it in my bones and every cell of my body. Now the smell and sight of Alcohol makes me nauseous. Gives me a bitter taste of vomit and there is know longer an emotional attachment. I know ill never drink or crave booze but since I am not treating the ISM disorder (Inside self & Mind) it can resurface in my life in other ways, so I have to watch my mind, my feelings, and my thoughts.  Everything about my life has to change, if I used to walk on the right side of the street I now walk on the left side. 

This weekend I’ll be heading back home to Palm Springs, CA. I am very excited to see my family and friends. It feels good going back to my roots sober and clear minded. Other healing trip for me! I love walking down the same streets in a new character, A new me, A better me. A stronger me.

I am grateful for life, for my clear mind, my family, and for Sober is the New Black

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

This photo is my 4am at work face

4am sober face

4am sober face