Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

Hello Friends today Is day 393 sober. This past week has been eventful. I’ve been in the process of getting my first book ready for print. The vision came to me one day, late at night. This will be my first book, in my head I thought it would be easy and in some way effortless since I write everyday and knowing what I want the book to say.

I was wrong, this past week  I’ve felt annoyed, tried, confused, terrified, and inspired in the process of writing the book. I had a talk with the Editor and a friend who open me up to a new direction for the book. The new direction felt right in my heart.

In this stressful time I had no negative thoughts or an addiction voice trying to convince me to drink.

I talk about my childhood on this blog. In the book it will be more in depth. So having to go back, remember those times and feelings is  hard at times.  But the part of the book that affects my feelings the most isn’t the childhood. It’s when I was in my deep state of addiction.

The pain I caused loved ones, shooting daggers in hearts. The lying, The manipulation, The time and friends lost. I know it was the Addiction and not my True Self because in the morning after the drunken stumbles, My heart and soul felt heavy and in pain.

In the process of writing the book I find myself walking away for sometime to cry healing weeps. Or taking hour breaks to decompress.

I know I can’t change those actions but what I can do is stay sober so their pain wont be in vain.

Meditation and sitting with my higher power helps after a writing session. Bringing me back to the present. giving me some clarity

Writing is part of my recovery, taking out all the dark stuff that dwells in me and putting it on paper. like a cleansing of the soul. It also helps me reflect and connect the dots from traumas to how traumas affect me subconsciously in my every day life. For example I grew up really poor, I recently notices that feeling bleeds into how I see the world. I have 69 pairs of shoes and always want to buy food in bulk. I need to see the patterns and see if they are affecting me n a negative way. Or change. Sober is the New Black

I’m wishing all the dads a happy fathers day.  Hope you all have a day filled with relaxtion and love.

 

Here are some poems I created this week.

 

Sobriety Big

 

 

Crippling

 

 

A choice

 

 

The Children

 

 

Me day 392 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

Anyone who knows me personally, knows I’ve always been a huge fan of Tina Turner. This song is one my favorite.

 

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

Hello Friends today is day 386 sober. This week has been a great week. I still haven’t had any cravings for alcohol. In my days sober, I only craved a beer a few days into my sobriety. I’ve been around it and still no craving. I find myself nausea, turnoff, or disgusted by they sight of alcohol maybe because I know the damage it has caused my life.

 

This past week all I’ve been doing is writing my book. Six to eight hour writing session. My goal is to have them done by august. So I have a couple months to finish. The book is on my first year sober, more in depth than the blog mixed with my poetry. I have over six hundred poems I had to narrow down to three hundred. That was a bit difficult.

Going back  to those memories isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s pretty cool  seeing my growth. The only difficulty is telling the story of my dog snuggles who I had to abandoned as a child. Snuggles was my best friend growing up.

This up coming week ill be locked in my apartment witting away. I usually write in cafes but I’m starting to love writing in my home. I will go out into the world for some necessities.

My poetry has slowed down as well because all I energy is put on the book at the moment

I am still being my mind watcher, keeping a close eye on addiction behavior and thoughts. As more days go by the more normal life seems. As if I never had any issues. I know it has to do with healing. What once bothered me no longer does. In the past I would focus so much energy on seeing the world in a negative way. My eyes and mind was condition from a dark past. Now I see the world in love and possibilities. If a negative thought surfaces I change the thought to a positive one and I don’t let the negative thought bleed into my feeling and actions.

 

I can look back at my past year and honestly say I have no regrets all due to sobriety. Which is crazy coming from a person that had tons of regrets. My thoughts, actions and feelings are all synced together. My positive thought leads to other positive thought like a quilt and once you start it becomes effortless.

 

I was reading a CNN article that said By changing the way you think, your DNA also changes so you are no longer that old past. It really is a great article. Sober is the New Black.

 

 

Here are some poems I’ve paused the book to write, Poems just come to me while in deep thought.

 

wings

 

 

 

 

little lion

 

 

 

watch

 

 

 

putting back the pieces

 

 

old

 

 

lay

 

 

Here are some photos from my past week.

Adolfo Vasquez the book process

 

 

Every Sunday there will a be a new blog post giving Sober is The New Black readers some stability

 

This video below is from Ingrid Michaelson called Afterlife that I’ve been listening to over and over this past week

 

 

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

Hello Friends, today is day 379 sober. It seems June always brings a bit of gloom. This past week I felt uninspired and a bit stagnant. Sobriety has made me aware of patterns and routines in my life that I feel I need. When change happens I get uncomfortable. That uncomfortable state shows itself with emotions like annoyance and grouchiness.

I know this issue stems from childhood. Growing up without stability or a solid foundation, I Feel like I need routine and normalcy.

The change that is upon me is work. I work 9 months a year and have 3 months off for writing. I know I’m very blessed to be able to afford three months off of work but with that brings on this uncomfortable state

This week was my first week not working. I’m a night thinker so I stay up all hours of the night. Since I have no schedule. Staying up till 4am and wake up at 1 pm. I did write and worked my program but even with doing so I felt unproductive.

What I need to work on is creating some sort of schedule. I don’t have to work but I should still rise early. Going to treat my writing like a job, writing from 9-5. Even I don’t feel like writing. I just have to show up.

That will give me a routine. Also I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. The great thing was I did not crave that old life. I am just grateful that sobriety gives me a clear mind to see my issues and gives me the courage to change. Sober is the New Black

Growing up Disneyland was a far off place I would hardly see. I may have seen it twice in my childhood. Now I’m an annual pass holder. So today Ill be spending the day at Disneyland. I might get the inspiration I need at the happiest place on earth.  Its never to late to create that childhood you never had.

 

Here are some poems I birth this week.

day

 

prints

 

flower

 

 

words

 

a little about me

 

we are all the same

 

always inspire

This is my favorite spot in my home. My desk.

my desk

 

Stay connected with love. Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

Hello Friends. Today is day 370 sober. I am back in Los Angeles, The past few days have been overwhelming with all the love and support, beyond grateful. Yes I made it to my year mark but I will always be working on myself until I am on my deathbed. I don’t ever want to be un-teachable. I have to always be open to others suggestions and wisdom. I don’t want to be right, just whole and happy. I will stay teachable at 20 years sober. Learning from old timers and newbies.

When I first got sober, my untreated addiction fed my mind lies. First lie was Sober people are boring, coffee drinkers, and chain smokers. Second lie, I will never have fun again. Third Lie, I have the rest of my life to never drink again, that’s so much time to be on punishment. I relapsed a bunch of times because I believed those lies.

After having time sober, another lie would pop up. I’m cured; I can control it now, only one beer. I would control it for a while but 2 weeks later I found my soul lost and in turmoil.

I have to be aware of my mind at all times.  So when my past addiction voice resurfaces I can be strong. I can pray, change my thoughts, meditate, write or call a friend. The voices have got quieter and less strong when I am working my shit out.

My eyes are cleared and I see all the love coming from sober people. The men and woman in Sobriety are some of  the strongest people I have ever met. Not just overcoming their struggles but wanting to be better humans, helping others. I have more fun now sober because I know myself better. No body hangovers or mind haze. I smile more and laugh more.

If my mind brings up the length of how long I have to stay sober. I now feel a sense of gratitude for having that time to find myself. I also live in the moment but still work towards long-term goals. I just don’t get emotional when the road takes a detour. I just get back on the same road. I still enjoy and learn from the detour. I might stay on the detour for a minute and self reflect, write or plant some roses so the detour can become a great experience. Sober is the New black

I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone might hear something they needed that day so they can continue seeing the beauty in sobriety. Demi Lovato is someone who is vocal about her past addiction and her current sobriety. The video below talk is a recent interview she did about overcoming her struggle. She’s three years sober now, congrats.

http://www.today.com/video/demi-lovato-at-3-years-clean-and-sober-i-feel-amazing-453180995530

 

This song below is about her addiction.

 

 

Here are some of my poems I’ve worked on in the past few days, hope they inspire

nothing is impossible

 

 

forgive all

 

tunnel of pain

 

 

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This poem is for  my great grandmother who showed me love and was a safe haven for my brother and I

anita

Might need a bit of a break from writing. sad face

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Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone out there might hear something that they needed that day, so they continue seeing the beauty in sobriety.

 

Demi Lavato is someone who is vocal about here past addiction and her current sobriety.

 

DAY 260 Sober: Living For Love

Hello Friends, today is day 260 sober. Every time I hear about substance abuse taking away someone life, famous or not famous, I feel a wave of sadness flow upon my skin. I just hope if there is anyone still using, find strength and reach out to someone who could help. I also hope families who have lost loved ones to addiction find some peace in knowing Nobody is born wanting to become an addict. It’s a mixture of circumstances that create the addicts mind and the circumstances vary in each addict. I feel very grateful for that moment of clarity on May 24 2014.

 

The longer I am sober the more I’m finding me, finding the great stuff, but also the stuff that needs to be worked on personally and professionally. The past few days I’ve been waking up in a grouchy mood but I am sober and that’s in itself a blessing. Today I feel great. The beginning of sobriety, I was a bit confused by the saying “ one day at a time”. I can’t just live one day at a time, I need to work towards my future and towards my healing but now I get it. All I can do is be present “in the moment” as I work towards the future and when Life doesn’t go as plan all I can do is accept it and figure out what is the next right move towards my future.

 

I don’t know what my future holds for me, but I know I can be the co-creator with the ultimate creator. Being sober is really new for me. I’m less than a year sober, but I am already in visioning a marriage, kids, and a home maybe not in la maybe somewhere green with a forest in the back yard. I want to connect with someone on a spiritual level, who accepts me whole, with flaws. Who allows me to make mistakes in order to learn I don’t want to become one with someone but be two separate beings that face the world together, not letting the outside influence how we feel about each other.  I crave human connection on a deeper level.

Dealing with life sober can be scary, confusing at times, sad, overwhelming but that’s when choices come into play, I can be the solution to the issue or I can make it into a bigger problem. Continuing making the right moves down the path called life. Sober is the New Black.

Love Softly

 

Madonna Living for love is what I’m doing “In this moment” working towards love.

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 232 Sober: Macklemore

Hello Friends today Is day 232 sober, sitting in a café on a rainy day is perfection. On the patio watching the rain clean the streets from rusty dirt. I am a film buff and I’ve been living in theaters the past two weeks. Just in time for the Golden Globes this Sunday. One of my long-term goals is to one-day work in the film industries. One dream at a time.

 

I admire and love people who are an advocate for sobriety. Ben Haggerty from Macklemore is one of those. His music, lyrics, and vocal-ness about his past addiction, is very inspiring.  Not only can you detach from the substance and find life again but you can also achieve unimaginable dreams that once seemed so foreign while using. He inspires me to keep reaching for my dreams.

 

I’ve relapsed, a bunch of times in the past but my heart always wanted to be free from Alcohol, but I just didn’t know how. Relapses are very common in addiction and the beauty in that are the lesson when you look back. If there is anyone out there that relapse it’s ok there so much strength in starting over, walk down different streets, separate yourself from everything that might trigger you until you are strong enough. I am one drink away from death is what I tell myself and when I need reminding. I am so grateful I have only had one craving in this recovery. An Alcoholic craving a beer happens, and you shouldn’t get scared. Push through with clearing your mind, with prayer, meditation, books, online speakers, or meetings. Whatever works for you, when I was getting sober in the past, I would sit in a parking lot listening to a warrior by the name of Astrid Howe, and hearing her words over and over again until I left the parking lot believing in sobriety. Sober is the New Black.

The link below is an interview Ben Haggerty did with MTV recently. I hope his words resonate with someone it did with me. I am so grateful for sobriety, my readers and for life.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/?id=1721485

 

THESE SONGS BELOW ARE FROM MACKLEMORE, IT’S NEVER TO LATE TO BE THAT PERSON YOU DREAM. Start over.

 

I wrote a few minutes ago and I can’t stop crying. There is some more healing to be done inside my heart when it comes to forgiving the hurt I have caused. Sometimes I feel when people find out I am in recovery all they see, is an addict as opposed to a human healing from a mind disorder. Plenty of doors have closed due to my battle. Lost tons of friends at a time when I needed them the most. It feels great to cry and opening the soul so you can heal. I hope this poem opens up family and friends eyes to understanding what goes on in a loved one who might be suffering.

 

Relapse poem

 

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 38 Sober: My American Dream

Hello friends, today is day 38 sober. I took a 3hr Mid-day nap and it felt so good! A well-rested and Sober mind is a great foundation for a writing session, also some tunes. I am sitting in a coffee shop in Downtown LA its such a beautiful city.  A Million dreams come true here also there is a lot of pain in this city. I feel everybody moves to LA because they want something better for their life.  People that I have met out here are all passionate and chasing the American Dream whatever that means to them. In Los Angeles there can be so much distraction that can hinder your talent and can blind you from that long-term goal. I need to focus, focus on my American Dream. My American Dream is very simple, A comfortable living, staying Sober, writing novels and creating film. Spending most of my time with my kids and partner. That’s what I strive for! Now that my long-term goal is set up I need to create short-term goals that can help me reach my long-term goal. Of course sobriety is number one. Second write, write, write, write, and write. Writing is muscle I have to workout on a daily basis so it can become strong.  I can’t really afford to skip a day. I skipped so much already. I can’t let the fat build up around my muscle fat being hardships, fear, other opinions, and my own insecurity, My Alcohol-ISM. I want 99.9% of writing muscle and .01% of that other crap! I love writing dark family complex stories. It comes naturally. I am obsessed with foreign and independent film, it’s a vice I will never give up. 

 

The lover and children would be a direct result from my positive thinking and creating. I can’t go looking for love I just have to be able to be open and see it when the universe brings it into existence. Even though I just out of a 3 year, I am a huge fan of love and such a hopeless romantic (as I sit in PJS in downtown LA) that’s ok I want someone to love me in PJS! I have always been a huge fan of French Cinema and that’s how I can explain the kind of love I love! You should check out French cinema it will blow your mind. My partner does not have to be French I enjoy all kinds of men. The connection is what I am attractive too, a great smile, a great laugh, who is a fan of art, and who is smart. I love learning and being taught also I would love someone who is evolving and growing also someone who has a bit of a past, gives them character! That’s how I feel at the moment; tomorrow I might want the complete opposite! And that’s ok. I am Hispanic so family really important. I do not need to reproduce my DNA; I am ok with loving a loveless child. I am not opposed to having my own. I would love a few kids. Give them a great childhood so I can destroy the family pattern and create a new way of thinking and traditions. I Never grew up with any traditions. The holidays would be amazing.

 

So that’s my American Dream. What’s so amazing is that its possible, does not matter where you are at today! Or the roads you have walked. Set up some short-term goals to get you there and work on them; do not let anything distract you including that voice that’s in your head! Not only knowing that but also understanding how that voice plays a current role in your life today once you do that then self-awareness begins than connecting that to your heart creates Freedom! And with freedom comes great possibility!  Sober is the New Black!  

Side note: I am so in love with California Dreamin by the Mamas & The Papas! I will be playing this record with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with are rose-colored glasses! 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo   

DAY 15 Sober: Poem From A film “Pariah”

This poem is my story!
Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
I’m open
Broken to the new light without pushing in
Open to the possibilities within, pushing out
See the love shine in through my cracks?
See the light shine out through me?
I  am broken
I am open
I am broken open
See the love light shining through me
Shining through my cracks
Through the gaps
My spirit takes journey
My spirit takes flight
Could not have risen otherwise
And I am not running
I’m choosing
Running is not a choice from the breaking
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
I’m free.
                                 ~ Spoken by Alike (Adepero Oduye)
                                     Written by Dee Rees