Hello friends today is day 63 sober, I stayed up late last night listening to some music. Yesterday post was a bit scary and right after I posted it I felt sick for an hour. I did weep but afterwards I felt a beautiful relief. I am sure there is more weeping to do and eventually I will create a space between childhood past and my emotions so when I do go back to the past for reflecting that space wont let my past affect my present emotions. After my writing session I went and visited a great friend Mel, we watch TV and ate a bunch of horrible foods. I feel fine today and focus. I never really talked about my childhood because I felt ashamed if people knew. Growing up I thought people would look down and judge me but yesterday I saw a lot of compassion, empathy and love. I now know those things that happen aren’t who I am; who I am is whom I choose to be right now in this moment. As a kid those things were out of my control, I just had to get through and I am grateful I got out. Addiction is forcing me to heal my past, in a way Addiction is a blessing because I would still be a prisoner from my past and eventually passing away a prisoner not ever fully evolving or growing.
Today my short-term goal is to start a series of poems something healthy for my mind and a spa trip something healthy for my body. I want to start treating my body with the respect it deserves. For so long I treated my body with no respect and wasn’t fully aware of the damage I have caused. I was told I have a fatty liver by my doctor and even that did not scare me into quitting. I also will be seeing Lenny today one of my closes friend, we always laugh and have a good time. I am grateful for everyone who let me share yesterday. I am writing down my teen years and will be posting it hopefully sometime this week. I am grateful for Sober is the New Black and for love. The killers is a band I love so much and be still is such a powerful song. Hope you enjoy
Hello Friends, In the past 2 months, 60 days, 1440 hrs, 86400 mins, 1584000 seconds I have learned so much about myself and life. Not everyday is Blissful but I choose the amount of suffering I want to endure. Tears are necessary for healing. I need to watch my thoughts carefully. I need to surround myself with positive things and people. My mental and body disorder called Alcoholism is not a choice but me picking up a drink is. Spiritual practices including the steps are the key to my success. Surrendering to a higher power that I understand it to be is such a relief and it’s more of a feeling that can’t be written down. I am finding myself more and more everyday something’s are not pretty and some are a bit dark that needs to be healed but the awareness of them only comes when I am sober and seeking. I want to inspire and be inspired everyday by others, There is always someone with one less day than me that I can help, even if its just listening and showing compassion. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Being sober has thought me how to create from within; love, joy, compassion, understanding, empathy, and gratefulness and with those you can create healthy long term loving relationship. With 60 days sober comes creativity and passion that’s met with action not just thoughts. My old drunken words were false and met with only letdowns.
Today at 2 months sober, I struggle with the pain my addiction has caused others and the wave of pain that hit like a tsunami killing, destroying everything breathing, living and pure in my life. Even devastating tsunami waters receded and flowers and trees will blossom again. I am rebuilding my life one brick at a time, with a strong foundation, away from that ocean of addiction that creates a tsunami of pain. Rebuilding my life will take a lot of effort, tears and work. I will create a peaceful garden so I can meet with my higher power on a daily basis. I will build a home and plant nutrition trees that will feed my mind with positive thoughts, positive actions, and healthy hobbies. I will build a library were I can store all my spiritual books and lessons I have learn. I will build my home big so I can fill it with the love of my life and maybe create little blessing that have small fingers and toes I can kiss, Far away and up high from that ocean of addiction. I will also build a movie theater were I can play my movies I create for free. I will build a small little shop on the corner where I can sell my writings. I will dance every night with my love and kids under the stars. That’s my dream, my goal, and my creation. Sober is the new black. I am grateful for everybody that is checking in on Sober is the New Black and for everybody support. Ingrid Michaelson far away is a perfect song for today.
Hello, Today is day 10 sober! So excited to make it to the double digits. June for me is going to be filled with mindfulness, Positive Reinforcement and Positive Actions. I wont allow any June Gloom in my life. Last night was my first night in my new Apartment it was pretty amazing knowing i did it all myself. no help. Yesterday move was a stressful day, but my Alcoholic disorder did not come out and infect my mind with negative thoughts. I did get a bit annoyed but i feel like that’s natural and i did not react in a negative way.
I learn that life is going to get hard at some point and the only thing you can control is your reaction. My Alcoholism is a disorder i have to live with for the rest of my life, it took me a long time to come to terms with that idea. June will be a month of me planting seeds in my soul. The seeds are Long term goals, joy, forgiveness, wellness,peace, truth sobriety, hope but i have to get all the weeds out. The past, Negative thoughts, Loneliness, Jealous, ego, comparison, judgement. I cant just leave the seeds i have to water and feed the seeds with patience, love, positive thoughts, laughter, empathy, self respect, and most important Sobriety.
June will be amazing and filled with purpose. below is a video i made last night before i left my old apartment.. Goodbye may Hello june bloom!
I just want to start off saying thank you universe for this sober day 4. My mind is clear and I am yet to have a craving or an anxiety attack. I am currently in Koreatown at this cafe i am in love with. I was here 6 hours yesterday. They are open late so its a perfect place instead of a bar. I work really early in the morning. I have to be up 345am, I am turning into a morning person which is great.
Today i got on the metro and my mind started to race on all the stuff I’ve done to people. I was holding back tears of course listing to sappy music intensified my tears so of course they started to flow again. There is something about Kelly Clarkson that knows exactly what to say to get a grown man crying hahahaha. In the past i would over drink and I would black out and turn into a mean and aggressive person which usually ended with tears, I never had gotten into a physical fight just a bunch of false treats. Expect one time (later blog). I am sure if i kept drinking into my 30’s then i am sure it would have escalate. I was very verbally abusive which I believe is the worst kind from my own experience. So hear i am talking about my tears (kinda selfish) but the endless amount of tears i caused my loved ones, especially one person in particular. Thats what the Alcohol mind does. I am trying to forgive myself for all the wrongs, all the tears, all the chaos, all the fear I brought into peoples lives. I had all this love around me but my infected alcoholic mind did not allow the real me, accept the fact that i deserve love, that there are good people in this world. You see i was never taught how to have a healthy loving relationship as child. I didn’t have the foundation of what love is Added with my disorder.
I had so much guilt that sat in my core but what i am realizing is guilt is fear from ones personality and fear moves you away from growth. So guilt prevents you from learning because you feel ashamed, Regret, sad about something you did out of FEAR! so Instead of beating yourself up, learn and instead of acting out of fear act out in LOVE, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING. This is something i am still learning how to do, I am only 4 days old and i know i am on the right track!
So i created sober is the new black may 24 2011 but i did not want to admit to myself i was an addict so i did not post anything. When i finally accepted my truth of being an addict and i post my first entry guess what day it was? MAY 24 2013. Its was 3 years ago on that exact day! Here comes the tears again, you see once you accept yourself sit in your truth good and bad, let go of the fears that caused the guilt. The world opens doors for you that you could have never imagine and the world looks a lot brighter. This is daily process for me, i have to stay grateful for being sober and stay sober. I Have to let go of the fear of what people think of me. I was in bed may 24 late at night and my disorder mind started feeding me guilty, sad and hurt because i saw something that hurt me but that person did not hurt me it just triggered what was already inside me. Then it clicked i should start this damn blog already and start living a more truthful life guilt free!