1 Year Sober

Today is one year sober; today I feel nothing but gratitude. A sense of self-awareness I have never felt before. In one year I’ve learned more about me than in the 28 years of living. What I’ve learned in one year sober is I am not my past, my mistakes, and my past addiction. I’m whom I choose to be today, in this moment.

A year ago today, I was sitting on a mattress on the floor in a new apartment, I’d lost the love of my life because of my addiction, and I was ashamed and embarrassed. Little hope, lost with no purpose or sense of direction.

Today every aspect of my life is amazing, like I am walking in a dream. I see the world with different eyes. Eyes that is clear and filled with hope and compassion.

Sobriety does not fix everything but it allows me to have a clear mind so I could fix my life. The first few weeks into sobriety my emotions were up and down. Happy, Sad, Hopeful, defeated, angry, confused, blissful, inspired, sobriety allowed me to feel life on life terms.

The list of gifts sobriety has brought into my life are endless. Surrendering everything to the power greater than myself has been beyond rewarding, it taught me a word called forgiveness. Forgiving everything including forgiveness for myself.

Sobriety put purpose in my writing. I heal through my art. Hopefully inspiring others to heal through art. I now see love in all aspects of my life. When I was using I was blind from the love that surrounded me. I was caught in my mind that created false stories that brought me pain so I would use, creating a vicious cycle of using.

Now I see love so big, I feel love so much it’s as if my heart going to explode.

The ISM in Alcoholism is Alcohol-Inside Self & Mind. My disease centered in my mind creating the body craving. I had to become aware of the mind voice. Once I was able separate the voice from my True self. I could stop the voice dead in its tracks. The voice would speak to me like just have one more drink or only wine. The voice would bring up my past; you had such a bad childhood, you should be angry, he’s cheating on you, blah blah on and on. How dare you, you offended me, blah, blah on and on.

The voice sounded like me, it knew what to say to get me to the next drink.

I’m stronger than the voice because I’m aware of my true-self. My true-self is stronger. I can shut it down. if it starts feeding me negative thoughts from my past.

Today I woke up happy, aware, with purpose; fire in my heart to create art, wanting to be a better me. Still working on love for myself and compassion for others. Staying open to learning new things. Sober is the new black.

I want to say thank you to the readers of sober is the new black. That allowed me to share my journey. There are no words that i can write down to show my gratitude. Thank you friends with more days sober who are my teachers and thank you friends with less days sober who my inspiration.

Sober is the New Black will continue on, my book will be out at the end of this year also an apparel line. Sobriety brings dreams that seemed unimaginable. God bless and until next time. Going to turn off my computer for the day and just live!!!!!! Seeing new sights with these clean and sober eyes.

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

This video below was one year in the making. Hope it inspires.

 

 

one year sober

 

adolfo vasquez adolfo vasquez

 

adolfo vasquez

Special thanks to Roxy Shih for the video

Vincent Sandoval for Photography

Stay connected with love Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 284 Sober: Why Would I choose to be an Addict?

Hello Friends,  Today is day 284 sober. I was visiting family in Bakersfield CA this past weekend. Every time I’m in Bakersfield, it’s like a great therapy session. Talking for hours with my aunts and stepmother. It’s great hearing them share their wisdom in life. Sometimes I think I am doing great and then his name spoken or an incident brought up from the past and my mind starts to go and go and go and go. I was a bit in a funk the first night there that lead into the next day. I have some hurt feelings still from my past relationship that I need to heal. I am aware there is no reason for these hurt feelings, he did nothing to hurt me. He came back into my life after I got sober and we tired to see where we both fit in each other life.  My feelings came back strong and It was his choice to not work things out. I worked so hard those months without him in my life,  becoming strong,  letting go only to become vulnerable, opening my heart up once more only to get hurt again. It wasn’t his fault and he was also confused. It’s been months and months since this happened and yet I still find myself being woken up with vivid dreams, some good and some hurtful. Sometimes those dreams bleed into the day and I try and try to shake them off but the only way for me to feel better is to cry and write.

Afterwards I was back to day one at failed attempt at love. What was also hard was this time I was sober in recovery and had a chance to really be the man I knew I was but being sober could not render that hopeful dream. Sobriety can’t amend others perception of me it seems. Some family members think that addiction is a choice I made. Why would I choose to be an Addict? I guess their minds aren’t opened up enough to realize that the pain i caused was symptoms of the mind disorder called addiction. Yes its my choice not to drink but making choices when you are in the midst of a suffering addict, those choices are not my own they are the Addiction. People might see it as an excuse or a cop out but I take full responsibility for my actions. I cant explain or give reasons for a person that is no longer me.

People who know me personally know that I am a bit Naive, air head, foodie, loves to laugh, loves to love, loves to sleep past noon, dislike morning hikes, Always say ” If that makes sense” That’s who I am, When I would drink Alcohol I made scenes, very jealous, cry all the time, get offended, say the most hateful things, blackout, those are the symptoms.

The real me wakes up the next the day, feeling guilty, shame, hurt, hating myself.  I tell myself I will never drink but that mind voice or addiction starts talking to me telling me to use. I did not have the proper tools to quiet that voice. Addiction is like living with two self’s. Some of the family members can relate to my EX  because they have been in a relationship with someone who suffered with addiction. My family loves him and still wants him to be apart of our family, which is something I need to find peace with. I love his family as well but need him completely out of my life at the moment so I can heal from open wounds. It’s been over a year since we broke up but a few months after I got sober we reconnected. Not sure if the hurt feelings are from missing him in my life or him not wanting me in his life all the time but I need him out, ugh sounds confusing.

It’s my issue to figure out, I have to remind myself I wouldn’t be here today sober with a strong foundation if it wasn’t for that breakup. I want to love again and be in love but I have to clear my eyes from the past so I can see love with a clean slate and not with fear. Not sure if I could ever love like I did but I know I will love smarter and make better decisions.  I will never give up on loving someone and I hope one day I can love even greater. Sober is the New Black.

If there is anyone in love with some who is suffering from addiction knows you will lose yourself trying to save them. The addiction becomes so huge consuming the relationship. My ex was never able to really deal with his issues because mine were overpowering. One day at a time. Sober is the New Black. I am not my drunken stumbles or the shame of causing pain to others but I am the person getting up everyday fighting to be a better me, whole and happy.  Today I will sit and write and weep.

 

 

One thousands

 

New gold Frames

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

Thunder

 

Kate Nash Merry Happy is the perfect song for today.

 

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

Hello Friends, Today is day 162 sober, I just want to start off by saying all the readers support and inspiring message, that fill my heart up with so much joy. I just hope I do the same for others who may be suffering in this battle. Part of getting sober is going inside and finding root causes of my addiction. The ones I hide inside deep, from the traumas I’ve been through. I have not really talked about this subject to anyone, none of my family knows about this. So I might have some backlash or maybe some support but the most important thing in my life is healing so I can stay sober.

 

 

I was Sexually abused at a very young age. It was a male babysitter who would watch me while my mother would go out and party, my mother is also an addict. For a  long time, I thought it was my doing or my curiosity that caused it. It happened more than once and I don’t remember much except that it felt good. I don’t know if I was seeking attention from the lack of it in my household or I might have seen people doing it in my household. Writing this down scares me a bit but I just need to connect the dots From being molested to addiction. I know being molested has everything to do with me seeking love in sex, or if someone is not attracted to me then that means there is something wrong with me.

 

 My writing helps me heal from the inside. Taking all the pain out and writing it down is the way I know how to heal, When I was a child I lived in my head away from reality because It was to painful. I would daydream a new life so I can survivor another day. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I need to take ownership of how my life is today and know that I am no longer that child being touch for love but a survivor that is blossoming into a softer person. I lived my life thinking everyone was out to hurt me and In a very defensive state but the reality is that not everyone is my parents or my molester. This was a hard write so now ill go weep my healing tears a bit. Sober is the New Black.

FullSizeRender

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

Ellie Goulding your song  I dedciate to my innner child that still feels the need to feel scared. It time to go now, I got this. Run free. 

 

DAY 84 Sober: Endless Possibility

Hello Friends, its end of day 84 sober. Had such a wonderful night, still blushing. Life has been such a wonderful gift to myself once I got sober. Life has open up in ways I never knew possible and with that I have Endless gratitude. I now know what joy means and feels like. Day 84 sober and in total bliss, very possible no matter how low of bottom you are currently in. Sobriety is freedom, freedom to be you. That person that’s always been deep inside waiting to break free, that inner divine thats going shine out from darkness into a world of endless possibility.  I am who I always wanted to be, I was blinded with pain, past, guilt and booze but I surrender all that to my higher power that I understand it to be. Ask it to guide my feet so I can become the real me. I am not my past nor the things I’ve done, I am who I choose to be in this moment right now here, I will quilt this moments together that will eventually become the future. All of this takes work but shortly after doing the work its no longer work it’s more of wanting to finding me, more like evolving, growth.

 

Today I spent the day writing some poems, talk to the publisher and it’s grind time, I need to create some more poems. Also in vision how I want the book to look, Day one I would have never thought I would be this close to publishing a book, its kind of surreal but staying humble and grateful. It just shows the power of sobriety, everything is coming together like a dream. I also spent my afternoon and evening with my friend Lenny. We laugh the whole time like a bunch of kids, baked a cake, and watch a bunch of nonsense TV. I will be up late writing and drinking coffee. Tomorrow I work so I might be a bit tired but I feel inspire at the moment and I don’t want to put this fire out. Sobriety for me is freedom, and with freedom I am now able to be me. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for life. For Discipline, for friends, for cakes, and for you.

 

Ellie Goulding Cover of your song is so perfect for tonight.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

 

 

 

DAY 81 Sober: A Poem a day

Hello friends today is day 81 sober, Today been such an amazing. I’ve been in bed most of the day. I was beyond tired after work. I wrote a few poems today. I am finding a new love that is poetry. It helps me get these feeling out. I was in the middle of my series of poems when I was inspired to start a new series, both will be finish soon. Then off to be Publish, Its crazy to know I am living a dream, a dream not in my head; it’s more of a feeling that I feel come over my skin. It’s hard to explain. Like an out of body experience with heighten senses.

But a dream only made possible from staying sober, man if I knew how it felt I would have done it years ago saved so many heartbreaks. My 90 days are coming up, no plans yet, maybe a steak dinner. People talk about being humble, which I am trying to always be but I want to celebrate every moment that I am sober. I deprive myself for so long from life and I am now in the moment, dancing, laughing, writing, and loving. I feel like my life will be a constant celebration even if my surrounding are not matching, life going to happen whether I like it or not, I just need to be so in love with life the ride will be fun and It will be easier to pass through hard times. I want sobriety over, fun, money, fame, love, over everything. I am learning how to fall in love with the essence of sobriety; it’s been pretty easy. I have not craved a single drop of booze in almost 3 months, which is unheard of with the old Adolfo. I don’t put myself around people, places or things that might trigger that but even if that trigger appears the buzz of this dream is so much greater than that whiskey thief that robs me of everything. Including life. Sober is the New Black. Five things I am grateful for is for love, sobriety, the readers from all over the world, poems, and for people in recovery who are walking beside me, reaching out a hand if ever darkness appears.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

Poem 4

Poem 4

Lykke li Dance, dance, dance is so amazing. Words can never make up for what you do, so now I dance, dance, dance

 

DAY 77 Sober: A Dream Come True

Hello friends, today is day 77 sober, yesterday I got some news. I really can’t share it now but if there is anyone out there that question if they should stay sober or anyone out there that is suffering. I can tell you dreams that are unimaginable dreams will come when you put that drink down and not only put the drink down but go inside yourself and do the work. The Work is hard at first but it turns into excitement because you start realizing that its really not work it’s more finding the essence of you. At Day one I never thought that this dream was even possible but only with staying sober doing the work, finding me has allowed this dream to come into existence. I started matching my words, thoughts and actions. I started to create from with in happiness, love and passion. This dream is going to take me to next level of happiness next level of bliss. I am so grateful; I cant even put into words. So today I weep of joy, with the lack of sleep and I am so ready to do what is necessary to not only hold on to this dream but also put the work that is needed into it. Sobriety is number one, Always and forever.

 

 So this a letter to anyone who is suffering, I was in bed on May 24 2014 crippled by Addiction but in the midst of my screams and cries, The misery, the pain, the lose. I realized at that moment, the reason for it all was Alcohol. At that moment I accepted the fact I was addict and not only accepted it wanting to change. This inner strength was very small and bleak at first but it was there, somehow I found it and hold on to it. Asked my higher power to strengthen it. At that moment that wants for a drink vanish and the want for life happened. It takes a lot of work, tears, letting go, becoming self aware on how the mind of the addiction works, The steps, finding a higher power you can surrender to, one that you understand it to be. I will always be a work in progress and don’t plan on being perfect, because once I think I’ve got it and I am perfect than I stop growing and I become stagnant. Its baby steps sometimes. In 77 days of being sober, everything is brighter, I feel peace and serenity, I have deep love for myself, I am inspired by everything from the light upon my skin, to the sweet air in my lungs, to a smile a person gives me, inspired by connections I made and will continue to make. Inspired by moments only my higher power and I had the opportunity to see. I used to think I had no love but I didn’t know that was created from within, I was always looking outside for love, outside for happiness. Now that I have love and happiness within myself, I can now share love and happiness with someone else.

 

I am so grateful for the men and women who have more days sober than me, you guys are my teachers, my strength, you give me tough love which is sometimes the most important kind of love, you paved a path walked by millions, on that path I see love shining from the pavement, on the side of the path I see supportive people cheering me on. I am so grateful for people who have less days sober than me because you inspire me to keep my courage lit so I can inspire courage with in you and cheer you on. The love I found in AA and outside AA is indescribable. People in recovery are some of the strongest people on this planet, to go from the depth of despair to a beacon of light. Sober is the New Black. I am extremely grateful for this dream and for friends in recovery.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

This clip from the film DreamGirls is how i feel at the moment its the Finale, That little girl in this clip Weeping in the  audience is my inner child weeping as I am about to embark on the dream. I am on stage singing to my inner child letting that child know its ok, time to go, I got this now

DAY 26 Sober: Goodbye Vincent

Day 26 Sober, Last night was an amazing experience, I was able to attended LA Film Festival. I saw a film called uncertain terms; it was witty, emotionally charged film. Its about a pregnant girl name Robbie moves to a group home of young pregnant girls, Robbie starts having a relationship with the maintenance man while still with her immature baby daddy. There is a birthday scene where it’s a bunch of underage pregnant girls dancing to Khia “My Neck, my back”. Probably this best film for me so far this year…I have a few days left, so ill have to decide at the end.

 

 

Yesterday I was able to sit with Vince for about 30 minutes before his event, we had a conversation that needed to happen, so I can start taking the necessary steps to a healthy me. My love for him is really great but I need to hear in Vincent voice that there is no future between us, he mentioned it before but I wasn’t ready to hear it, I was last night. When you caused the break up there is always a feeling of trying to fix what you have done wrong, trying to make up for the wounded. I do have some pain that lingers but it will last for a while mixed with missing him, I sometimes get confused between still in love or missing him. Maybe it is both, it feels like a death, you are fine one moment then with in seconds you are in tears. I believe Vincent was my soul mate the minute I met him I dropped everything so I can be around him all the time. He brought me closer to myself at the sacrifice of his heart. What I’ve learn in the process is that we all have more than one soul mate in are lifetime because we are constant evolving humans that change so Vince was my soul mate that I needed at this time in my life because the universe gave me what I needed to evolve so now that I am evolving and becoming a new person it opens me up to a new soul mate. I do sometimes wonder, what if I had met Vince today with such clarity in mind and heart. In my head in vision growing old with him, the whole sitting in rockers on the porch, me putting up with his grouchiness, as he gets older and bald. Taking care of him as he ages unless I age horrible first. It’s a dream that I have to let go and that is the hardest part because my actions caused this dream to no longer be a possibility but without getting it taken away I wouldn’t be here sober. As I get older I realize some greatness in ones life can cause such deep pain, you have to endure. The pain is so deep it becomes a physical disability but I have to let go. Let go. Vince and I both suffered great losses. We both are equally amazing and we both created lessons to be learned. I don’t believe in mistakes. I was an amazing boyfriend that happens to have an addiction but when I was sober for brief times I was a pretty great, I am sure Vince will agree. As I am writing my heart isn’t broken but bruised. Time, positive thinking and being sober has helped heal me a bit. I still have a long ways to go.

 

 

Yesterday seeing Vince brought out that schoolgirl in me. I was a so nervous, butterflies in my stomach, when I saw him some air left my lungs, I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to just look into those brown eyes and be in the moment because I knew in my heart at that moment it would be the last time I see him with this intense love. So I wanted to enjoy that moment. The break up was not just between Vince and myself the break up was between families, friends, the future plans, Magnolia. We broke up in November and didn’t tell family until weeks later and when we did tears flow through their eyes.

 

I cant help get sappy its like an end of an amazing chapter or era of my life, A graduation into a new Adolfo. This is a goodbye letter to my relationship. You see I always in vision Vince and I walking down the aisle because we both couldn’t decide who was the girl, in a forest. I also in vision Anne, Maju, Summer, Rachel, Luisa standing next to Vince while I have one person maybe on my side. I need to let this out into the universe because this is no longer the reality. I have to accept, grief and let go of this dream because the universe has a bigger dream for me that I cant see or even see the path at moment but I know the path exists.

 

 This wonderful soul brought so much love and growth into my life. I want him to know his love saved me from a bleak future that was not going to end well. Vince was the single most influential person because of him I will stay Sober and with being sober now I can live. I also want him to know that my love for him was pure just clouded a bit. I lied but I also loved so hard, laughed, accepted him for everything, loved every part of his body. I was pretty much perfect except for the drinking and lying… never cheated or hit. Never really looked at anyone else in sexual way. You were the one for me kid. Glad I was for you too for that moment.

 

 I will be more than fine; I will be sober not just from alcohol but also from the past, hurt, and guilt, ashamed, from loss. Hopefully once he heals from the betrayal I caused (that’s even if he wants to heal) or learn to trust me again. I can look at you and you look at me with no pain and hurt and we both can sit and you get to fully experience the Adolfo you seen in me the whole time…. I am going to also release this song out to the universe it was supposed to be are first dance/wedding song.

 

 

Goodbye Vince, Elf, Soul mate, Dream, Teacher, Amazing photographer, Best friend, Grouch!

 

 

Stay connect with love, A bruised Adolfo….