1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Two Years Sober: What I’ve learned

 

Hello Friends today is two years sober, I am filled with gratitude, love and purpose. Day one sober I was laying on a mattress in small apartment with nothing, only the want to be sober. I lost the love of my life and most of my friends. I was filled with self hate, guilt and shame. I knew with every cell in my body that the only way for me to rise from my rock bottom was to stay sober and find a recovery program. My addiction created a lot of chaos that was still alive and surfacing in my early days and months sober. All I had was my higher power and hope that one day I would be the Adolfo that the universe had attended. I saw no clear path because my mind, body and soul were still detoxing from the alcohol. All I did know was that alcohol took everything great from my life, and now I was saying goodbye to the only true friend I thought I had and that was the substance. Alcohol was my escape from my dark childhood, it was my confidant in my hard times and was there for me in my good times. Alcohol wanted to be the only thing in my life, and started taking everything away. After saying goodbye to alcohol two years ago I am now back with the love of my life. Just moved into a home in Venice Ca. Everything I lost because of my addiction I’ve gained back but even better than before. Alcohol was never a friend but an enemy preventing me from having human connection, a connection with myself and a connection with my higher power.

 

I still have work to do and I am never free from addiction disease, I know if I pick up again it will have a ripple affect in my life, and my life is so great why destroy it for that buzz. The buzz I now crave is feeling life and love. Most of my life I disliked feeling anything. Numbing for me meant no pain or hurts from others but it also numbed me from good feelings as well. Healing and overcoming my addiction involved growing strong emotion muscles. Now that I am able to feel life and not numb life I have to embrace every feeling in every situation. The more I feel life and not hide from life, the stronger my emotion muscles get. I also had to start feeling those dark and difficult sensations I use to suppress during my childhood and addiction. I grew up hating my feelings because I was a very sensitive child. Everything hurt so I thought if I just numb my feelings I wouldn’t hurt. The problem lies because when I numb the bad feelings I also numb the good feelings. Once I got sober I had to start trusting that my negative feelings won’t destroy me. The fear in sobriety won’t kill me. No feelings that come in sobriety will destroy me. Emotional development will be the inevitable outcome once my muscles grow strong. Cravings are terminated when there’s no longer a need to numb or run from my feelings or my truth. Feeling life will bring wholeness and healing. In the past when I tired to get sober there were recovery programs that scared me into getting sober but also helped me gain some insights into addiction. I was in sobriety and struggling to make my life work but in so much pain. That was a sign that I was not recovering. I had to let go of the past pain in order to feel life in the moment. I had to start seeing my life as a clean slate and create from there.

 

 

Thinking my way through life without embracing feelings was a way to survive as a child, living in the mind. That works against me as an adult. I looked for insight with my infected mind, some how thinking it will lessen my internal misery. When I first got sober I believed the recipe for happiness was buried within the chapters of a book or outside myself. Outside stuff will somehow heal my inner pain or relieve me of pain. Happiness is acquired in gradual steps . It’s an inside job that requires steady, hard work and dedication to growth and healing everyday. Baby steps will get me there. Wellness has to be a conscious choice. My mind, body and soul need to work together and be on the same page, or my life will go astray. I’ve struggled with bad feelings my whole life. I use to think bad feelings did me no good. At times staying busy helped me ignored them. I thought if I just worked a lot of hours or took a class I would feel fine. Bad feelings wont leave if I don’t embrace them and let them flow out of me or onto paper. It’s a human emotion that will always come up no matter how great life is, I will eventually feel sadness and that’s OK. I had to learn how to be comfortable in pain and not hid or react right away in pain. I have to embrace it, grieve and let it go.

 

I can use sadness as a guide to change or for art. Addicted behavior means stay busying, numbing and not dealing. When I was an active addict and in times that were calm and serene my mind started racing causing my emotions to start feeling bad. I would hit the bottle or use outside substance to numb me from feeling. That’s why being alone was the worst for me, all I had was this infected mind that made me feel fear so I would drink and drink until the next day repeating the cycle. I never learned how to deal with bad feelings. I would rush to my head, analyze those awful emotions. I would give them reasons to be there like I deserved to feel sad or anger emotions or beat myself up for wrongdoings probably some I hadn’t committed or even committed yet. I would than feel even worse. Emotions automatically became thoughts, and I never learned how to separate my emotions and thoughts from my true self. Now that I am sober, I can see that i am not my emotions, thought’s, or surroundings, I am the captain of those three.

 

 Anything that seemed unfamiliar or foreign brought intimidating feelings, my natural instinct is to want to feel safe in the unknowns especially as a child or when I first start having strong feelings for someone. I frequently found a hideout or an escape as a child in film or music. As an adult I turned to alcohol and never took a leap of faith without certainty. Now, I just embrace those unknowns and let them play out. I can’t let my mind prevent me from experiencing life in all forms. The goal of healing is to learn to feel everything. Feel my past pain, let it flow out of me. Feel my present moment and whatever that is. My feelings were suppressed as a child causing my emotional growth to be underdeveloped. I was at times abused when expressing happiness because my parents were annoyed with the sound of my voice. I started showing limited emotions out of fear. Growing up trying to function with a very limited number of emotions hindered my ability to react properly in life. That’s when I turned to drugs, booze, sex, and food to cope with difficult and awkward experiences. Those experiences created negative feelings. If my parents soothed and helped me learn to accept my feelings as a kid rather than escaping or shutting them down. I would never have needed to numb my discomfort with substances or behaviors. Running from my misery was the only means of surviving the dark childhood. As an adult it harmed and hindered my growth.

 

It always seems worse, before it gets better. That is very true when you first get sober. The worse stage only lasted a few weeks for me and that may differ in every one. It will get better but it will be challenging. The good news is there is so many outlets of support every step of the way from meetings and online groups. The next noticeable sign in recovery is noticing the absence of pain. That also felt uncomfortable because pain was a big part of my life, and when pain left I felt empty. That’s a good sign to start creating self love, compassion, gratitude, and positive emotions inside myself. It brings a life high that is indescribable and can last as long as you want it. As a child I learned to be a non-needing human. I had to adapt to situations instead of dealing with my emotions, those emotions built up overtime. My difficult feelings did not matter because I just needed to survive. My coping process that helped put those emotions away was living in my head. I fantasize most of my day about how life will be different when I grow up. I thought I would be in control over my life circumstances. I would also see sad movies and think they had it worst than I did, that made me feel better. I would compare my life to others and that helped me feel thankful for my life that was horrible, it made me feel grateful for my pain in some weird way. There’s always someone who has it tougher. We always hear stories of our grandparents having to walk in the snow for hours or work long hours. So I felt I had to accept my pain or situations. I would say well my pain isn’t so bad, minimalize  the pain I was in. It was an excuse not to change. Being mentally abused or bullied in school I would tell myself, well I could be dead. It was the wrong way of thinking. I built up an incredibly high tolerance for pain, misery and discomfort. My pain level had to be severe to get my attention and even then I would not change. My compassion was reserved for others and never for myself. When feelings surfaced that were difficult my parents thought it was unacceptable. When feelings are treated as bad or wrong, we regarded them precisely the same as we get older. Harshly judging them and myself as bad when they surface. Each time bad feelings like frustrations and anger came up, I tried to make them go away instead of embracing them and finding the root cause.

 

Beneath my addictions had a common denominator. I’ve been a survivor of traumas, filling my inner emptiness or deadness with substance. An addict to more than one thing, when I stopped one substance I moved on to the next. I couldn’t give up all drugs and alcohol, I needed something to fill me up. After detoxing and healing I can now start to search within myself for talents and abilities. I believe each of us come into this life with unique talents and abilities. When these inherent gifts are recognized we can begin to learn who we actually are. It has taken me twenty-eight years to find my talents and purpose. I guess I am what you would call a late bloomer. I feel one of my talent is, understanding human nature. My therapist once told me I should be a therapist. I did not understand what he meant at the time. He said I understood myself very well. It was as if I already knew the answer I just needed reassurance. I believe my childhood traumas and living with addict parents, growing through addiction has pushed me into finding out why people act the way they do. Challenging paths forced me to get intimately acquainted with myself so I can help others do the same.

 

Addiction is not the cause of my pain. I was the cause of my pain, i allowed to pain to grow and grow.  Addiction is only a symptom of needing to escape feelings that been dangerous or scary to have whether they’re bad, or good. It’s not just negative feelings that are scary. Feeling positive ones can be as well. I lacked the frame of reference on how to embrace happiness and love. It felt foreign and uncomfortable and the reflex to self-sabotage came out eventually. 

 

Healing doesn’t come quickly and if it did I would feel like I’m living inside someone else body. Two years of hard work has gotten me here today. If i did not go through the process from day one sober to two years sober than i would not know how to deal with life situations. I would feel threatened not being able tolerate the change if it happen quickly. Change happens gradually, so I can adjust to it as it comes. Change involves slow growth. Imagine being a normal citizen than overnight you’re famous. Change that happens really quickly can cause me to be destabilized. Now imagine if that change happened quickly inside us. I might go crazy, wanting to go back to my old addiction ways. Growth must occur slowly, or it might be hard to handle even if the rewards are huge.

 

While i was an active addict  and felt internal pain I search outside myself to cope. When I felt lonely inside I searched for sex outside. This is the same with love. Growing up I felt unlovable at an early age so I searched for love outside myself. Having a good relationship with myself was impossible while being an active addict. I found myself failing miserably in my early relationships because I had little self-love. Upon deeper analysis, I found out that self-esteem and self-love are issues that are related together. Suffering from low self-esteem, it is deficient of self-love. Loving myself felt unnatural in the beginning of sobriety because my mind was my enemy and was ingrained with self-sabotaging thoughts for twenty eights years. Creating self-love is conscious decision. When I didn’t love myself, I was basically telling the Universe that I was unworthy or undeserving of any love or positive outcomes. Manifesting unhealthy people in my life, allowing myself to stay in relationship that I suffered from, like cheating partners and abusive partners. I allowed people to be disrespectful to me because I was disrespectful to myself. Learning to love myself starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life. It’s impossible to reach full potential with no self love or low self-esteem. Once I started creating self love and building up my self esteem my life started syncing together like a rebirth.

 

As a child no matter what my parents did to me, I still had deep love for them. I unquestionably loved my parents even when they abused me and were the source of my pain. I even lied to protect my parents from the police. With that I learned to accept that love comes with pain. That became the foundation to my relationships were all my adult attachments were built on. In short, love equaled pain and this pain must be calmed, or how can I maintain love? I put up with others hurting me and stood by there side no matter what, that created a lack of respect for myself. I thought i was unlovable so even the slightest touch of affection was enough. I thought since it was difficult to gain parents love, it will be hard to gain love from someone else. I thought I had to put up with others abuse and that pushed me to the bottle. I had to unlearn most of what i was taught as a child and i am still unlearning.

 

 I can’t escape my bad parts and only hold onto the good parts, I have to accept them all and if there are parts that need work, then I work on them. Before I work on them I have to accept than understand them. The longer that I am sober the more comfortable I am with my dark feelings or dark side. I  know use it for my artwork. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, I just enjoy finding pain inside myself to create poetry. I enjoy dark art and some unwatchable films. Knowing my dark side and good side brings me a more understanding of myself and also on what I need to change. Feelings are just parts of me that I discarded a long time ago, and they’re wanting to find their home again inside me. Feelings are not my true self just but a source I can use to find my true self. Being a healthy and a whole person means being able to experience and operate from a full repertoire of different types of emotions, without self-judgment. This is what’s required to be a multi-dimensional, fully integrated human being. My dark emotions are not monsters that live under my bed, they are inside myself and I have to embrace them. I can’t drown them or outrun them. My young formative years had powerfully influences on my beliefs, principles, and sense of Self. True healing means challenging some long-standing ideas, superstitions and rules I lived by, which had trapped me in self-loathing and toxic shame.

 

I am unlearning flawed beliefs and faulty patterns that has brought chaos to my life. My program may keep me from using but I have to be resolving the underlying pain that made me want or need to use. Getting sober has been easier than shifting how I think. It’s like having to learn a whole new way of thinking so I can perceive the world differently. Sobriety doesn’t fix my life it just gives me an opportunity to fix my own life through my recovery program. I wake up everyday happy and next to my love and working on the last chapter of my novel. It’s very possible to not only stay sober but to achieve dreams and goals that will heighten the love I have for sobriety.

 

So today i will spend the day in tears of joy with my love and good friends. I now know my past addiction, dark childhood, shame, guilt, pain, feelings, addiction symptoms, human errors are not I or my true self. I am who I choose to be right now, in this moment. We are all souls having a human experience and our worst parts do not define ourselves.

 

I  have been missing in action on Sober Is the New Black due to working on my first novel, it should be done very soon so i can get back to blogging and poetry. Here are some Poems i have created since my Last post, share them if you’d like. I can also email you any poems for free, most of my poems will be in the novel.

 

 

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Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

600 days of sober

Hello Friends, today is 600 days of sober. I just got back from a three-week vacation in Palm Springs Ca. Palm springs is my hometown so I was surrounded by supportive family and friends. Seeing the ones I love with sober eyes and a clean mind is a great gift. Being in the moment around them and feeling noting but gratitude. The New Year will bring upon some amazing moments like my first novel being published, plus my job ending this month so I can start writing full time.  All I have to do is stay sober and believe in the universe and god guiding my feet

 

After healing old wounds, I started working on finding my true self.  What helped me in finding my true self was finding what I wasn’t.

 

I was born without any knowledge, or awareness of my own self.  Right away I became aware of my false self.  It has to be this way because my eyes open outward, so does the body senses.  Ears listening to others, tongue tasting outside foods.  First drinking breast milk from my mother.  All these senses open outward, learning from what others “tell me” or “show me” about myself.

Birth means coming into this world.  My mother is the first thing I came into contact with than I became aware of my own body.  My body becomes part of the outside world. My body getting hungry for outside food. I become dependent on surviving from what is given to me from the outside.

 Once I am done eating and fulfilled from the outside than I look down, becoming aware of toes.  My mother pulls on my toes and calling them toes, so I am learning early on who I am and what I am from others.

 A small ego is created , at that point I am looking to my parents on finding out who I am.  A false awareness is reflected by how others think of me and feel of me.  I am too fresh, too green and not aware of who I am.  My bones are still forming and can be broken easily, just like my mind, heart and soul.

The ego is born, through love and care, if I felt good and valuable, if I had some significance. Most of my life I knew what others thought me but not really who I was. “Living a life as a reflection of what others think” .  My early memories I felt unappreciated so my ego was born ill, sad, and worthless.

My parents built the foundation of my being and ego, others joined them in later years. My world grew as it did my ego became more developed.

 If I grew up living in the jungle isolated, I may not have an ego but would grow up like an animal even than I would never know true self.

 As a child I tried to make my parents proud and happy but they were addicts showing me rejection. I started seeking validation in others taking that into adulthood. Trying to please everyone in sight. As a child I acted out and tried hard to achieve attention that I lacked.

 I was born with two cores completely unaware that one core is true self and the second core is created through life called ego. Others early on shaped my ego core. This core is false, because nobody can shape the real core or true self.

 My Ego core is shaken when I do not receive what it needs, validation, respect, admiration, likes on Facebook.  If I did great in school I was rewarded with a toy that toy became an extension of myself and when I lost that toy I cried and felt I lost part of myself.

The more the ego receives the more the ego wants.  The bigger the ego core gets.  Early on we are taught subconsciously that the outside is an extension of who we are but that is false.  Trying to fit into society, feeling inadequate or ugly if I gained a few pounds.  My ego was growing bigger and bolder by society.

 Finding true self can be known only through false self. The ego is a passageway to my true self.  The real can be known only through life illusions.

 My core was a mirror of the world opinions of myself throughout life. The moment I started separating false self was day one sober, I didn’t know it at the time but I knew drinking was no longer part of me.  I wanted to change and knew if I wanted to find a better life or a whole me I would have to put down the bottle.

 First I have to know what are not my true self, my home, other opinions, and my past addiction. When I can see the false than I can see and understand my truth.  My ego is always in search to become bigger, wanting to survive. Somebody should appreciate it.

 My ego core is designed to control me, pull me away from my true self.  I have to behave in a certain way, because only then society appreciates me. I have to walk a certain way; laugh not so loud, follow a certain code of manners, a morality.  If society doesn’t appreciate me than my ego core will be shaken and when my ego core is shaken, I don’t know where I am going or who I am.

 

I have to get rid of all parts of the ego to attain my True core.

 

There comes a period when the ego core shatters. When I know nothing of who I am, or where to go. All the boundaries start to melt away. A feeling comes over of not caring what others think me.  I start doing stuff that I naturally enjoy doing.  I’m somewhat confused, feeling empty inside and chaos seems to be around.  This will cause fear because my ego was the source I look to, to guide me in life. I had to pass through the chaos before I found my true-self core.

 

Once I became sober I was able to take the ego core apart little by little by understanding that is the cause of all my misery and false. Everything started to settle. I started to just exist; everything suddenly became beautiful but a different kind of beauty. This beauty is louder and easy to see, it’s in everything.

 Whenever I was feeling suffering or great sadness or anger, I had to watch and analyze, somewhere in that misery I will find the ego.  The ego goes on finding reasons to feel those things. This ego comes continuously in conflict with others because every ego is  not confident about itself. Is has to be, it is a false thing.

For Example if I had my hand closed with nothing in it but I started believing there was something in it, a problem is born. I would fight with others  who . made me aware that I am carrying nothing. Anyone calling me something that I don’t identify with is like hammering a nail in a wound. The ego is false.

A person who finds their core of true self is never in fights with others, others may come and fight but a person who is their true self will never fight back with anyone.  You may hit, argue or try and fight with an enlightened man, but that is your problem, not his. And if you are hurt in that clash, that too is your own problem. He cannot hurt you.

 The ego lives for attention, any attention even if somebody is fighting and angry with you, even if somebody loves you or not loving you. The Ego has attention. If nobody is paying any attention, nobody thinks that you are somebody important, significant, then the ego will come out.

 Others attention is needed with an ego. There are a million ways I can attract attention from others. In the past I would dress a certain way trying to look beautiful, get skinny or behave in certain way. Become very polite, or depending on the situation changing so others immediately notice the change so others pay attention.

If I lost everything that surrounded me, if the whole world suddenly disappeared, or if the outside world is in chaos, it won’t make any difference because my true-self core is always still.

 If my husband leaves me for somebody else.  My ego core will be completely shattered because he is paying attention to some one that is not I.  He is now caring and loving someone that is not I.  He is no longer helping my ego core feel that I am somebody important. When I lost my ex of three years I felt as if my whole empire was lost.  On top of Dealing with an addiction I started thinking about suicide. I  can reflect back on why because I had no center of my own. Vince was my center; he was giving me a center.

 This is how people exist. This is how people become dependent on others. It is a deep slavery. Ego has to be a slave. It depends on others. Only a person who has no ego is for the first time a master; he is no longer a slave.

I have to look for the ego not in others, that is none of my business, but in myself.  Whenever I feel miserable, immediately I’ll close my eyes trying to find where the misery is coming. I will always find it’s the false ego core that has clashed with someone. I expected something and it didn’t happen or I expected something and the opposite happened. Whenever I am miserable, I have to find out why.

What causes misery isn’t outside us. It’s within us but we are program to always look outside. Asking ourselves

Who is making me miserable?
Who is the cause of my anger?
Who is the cause of my anguish?
And if we keep looking outside we will miss what it is that is causing misery.

Just close the eyes and look within. The source of all misery, anger, anguish, is hidden in you and I. The ego.

If I find the source, it will be easy to move beyond it.  If I can’t see it’s my ego that gives me trouble, I will prefer to drop it because nobody can carry the source of misery if they understand it.

 There is no need to delete the ego. I cannot delete it.  If I try to delete it, I will attain to a certain clever ego again which says, “I have become humble.” I can’t try to be humble. That again is the ego hiding but it’s not dead.  Nobody can try humility, and nobody can create humility through any effort of their own.  When the ego is no more a humbleness just comes. It is not a creation. It’s more of a shadow of the real center.

A really humble man is neither humble nor egoistic. He is simply “simple.”  He’s not even aware that he is humble. If you are aware that you are humble, the ego is there. Look at humble a person. There are millions who think that they are very humble. They bow down very low, but watch them they have the cleverest ego. Now humility is their source of food. They say, “I am humble,” and then they look at you and they wait for you to appreciate them.

“You are really humble,” they would like you to say. ” In fact,  you are the most humble man in the world; nobody is as humble as you are.” Then see the smile that comes on their faces.

What is ego? Ego is a hierarchy that says, “No one is like me.” It can feed on humbleness – “Nobody is like me, I am the most humble man.”

This is how the ego goes. It is so  cunning. We have to be very alert, only then we will be able to see it. Don’t try to be humble. Just try to see that all misery, all anguish comes through it.

No need to delete the ego. We cannot take it away or delete the ego. If we try to delete the ego than the person trying to delete the ego is the ego. It always comes back.

 Stand outside the ego and watch it work, try to understand it. Nothing I do like becoming more humble, getting humility, or become simple nothing will help.  Only one thing is possible, and that is just to watch and see that it is the source of all misery. Don’t say it. Don’t repeat it – WATCH. Because if I say it is the source of all misery and you repeat it, then it is useless. YOU have to come to that understanding. Whenever you are miserable, just close the eyes and don’t try to find some cause outside. Try to see from where this misery is coming.

 If you continuously feel and understand that the ego is the cause of misery than the understanding becomes so deep-rooted, one day you will suddenly see that it has disappeared.  Nobody deletes it – nobody can delete it. You simply see it has simply disappeared, because the very understanding that ego causes all misery becomes the deleting. The very understanding is the disappearance of the ego.

 The whole path towards divine, has to pass through the ego core.  The false has to be understood as false.  The source of misery has to be understood as the source of misery – then it simply deletes.

 When you know it is poison, it deletes.  When you know it is fire, it deletes.  When you know this is hell, it deletes.  Then you simply laugh at the joke that you were the creator of all misery.

A child building a sand castle while he sits in the middle, laboring away as the walls go up. A moment will come when he is enclosed; all around he has made a wall.  Then he cries, “Help, help!” He has done the whole thing! Now he is enclosed, imprisoned.

This is childish, but this is what I have done in my life. I made a painful house all around myself and cried, “Help, help!” The misery becomes stronger because there are helpers who are also in the same boat.  It is difficult to see one’s own ego.  It is very easy to see others ego but that is not the point, I cannot help others see their ego, each ego is different. I Just watch it my own ego.

I can’t be in a hurry to delete it, I have to just watch it.  The more I watch, the more capable I will become.  Suddenly one day, I simply see that it was deleted and when it deletes by itself, only then it is gone.  There is no other way.  Prematurely I cannot delete it.  It will drop like a dead leaf.

The tree is not doing anything – just a breeze, a situation, and the dead leaf simply drops.  The tree is not even aware that the dead leaf has dropped.  It makes no noise,  it makes no claim – nothing. The dead leaf simply drifts and lands on the ground, just like that.

When you are mature through understanding, awareness, and you have felt totally that ego is the cause of all your misery simply one day you see the dead leaf dropping. It settles on the ground, dies off on it’s own accord.  You have not done anything so you cannot claim that you have deleted it.

You notice it has simply disappeared. That is when True Self arises and that real center is the soul, the self, the god, the truth, or whatever you want to call it. It is nameless so all names are good. You can give it any name of your own liking. Sober is the New Black

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

I Recently did an interview with After party Magazine. Here it is, hope it help’s inspire others to get sober or stay sober.

https://rehabreviews.com/reader-spotlight-got-sober-adolfo/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 353 Sober: Building myself

Hello Friends today is day 353 sober. Just got back to LA from an amazing trip back home in Palm Springs. I spent mother’s day with both mothers, grateful for the sober mind that allowed me to enjoy each moment. My year sober is in a couple weeks. It’s kind of surreal to have made it this far without cravings. It went by quickly. This journey has been so rewarding in every aspect of my life, Mind, body and soul. The ones I lost because of past addiction are coming back around.

Day 1 sober I was sitting on a mattress in an empty room. I was empty and broken inside. No purpose, no clear path, not writing. I felt defeated but I knew the reason for all the turmoil was due to alcohol. Fast forward to today, actually living a life that I am proud of. Feeling weightless of the past. Seeing people with love instead of ego. I will always be working but today I’m enjoying 353 days of sober.

I stumbled upon an amazing app called Sober Grid that connects me with other sober people in my local area. It’s available for all smart phones. It really cool, like a community sharing their day, posting inspiration on the news feed, and they even have a burning desire if someone needs to talk at anytime of the day.   It’s hard sometimes to meet other sober people who can relate and understand. In the past I’ve meet some cool people who find out I’m sober, they tend to get scared off like I’m contagious.

I am aware that being sober carry’s a stigma that we are boring. Others might not want to invite me because they want to have a drink without feeling guilty or worry. I’m at a point in my recovery were I can be around alcohol and not crave it. My life is to amazing to ever want my lips to touch another bottle.

When I was an active addict I was not fun, maybe in the beginning but once I blackout I would make drunk scenes. Get emotional and act out in ways that were not my true self. I would wake up the next day and have a feeling of deep shame. Now when I go out, I’m in control of every situation and outcome. I’m now Laughing, dancing, being myself, a wiser and more positive person. I’ve notice the universe is bringing more like minded people in my life and taking away all the negative thinking people.

When I was using, I would always build myself in bars. By stretching the truth, lying, or hiding my past. I did that because I was empty inside. I knew up to that point I had amounted to nothing. Hearing others succeeding in life made me feel low. When I look back on my tall stories, I can’t help laugh at how delusional I was.

So I now I build myself up in healthy and mindful ways. Asking myself what needs to be worked on. Whether it’s work on my health or old wounds. Being aware of my emotions for example if I’m hurting or feel jealous I will ask myself “why I’m I feeling that way”? Than follow that string of pain to the source. Once I find the source than I could heal by letting go and forgiving. I also build my self up in other ways like Creating love for every part of my body and if I’m not happy with my waist than making healthy choices in my eating habits. Believing that I am worthy of self-respect. Working on long-term gratification instead of living for instant gratifications. Writing poetry. Sober is the New Black

 

Here are some poems and two short stories.

 

I wrote this awhile back but yet to share it. At 11:52am an incident happen that took my breath away. this was the moment.

 

11:52

I’ll do whatever it takes to evolve from old ways

move

We all have disagreements with friends and family but now i value the saving the relationship than being right or wrong

value

 

I was always searching for outside things because I felt empty inside. nothing I found would be lasting, creating a greater need for more things. Making it a vicious cycle of need.

seeking

whatever happens in life, whether good or bad. don’t break from your truth

be still

On day one sober, I was still bruised from my life crashing down but i found the beauty in the fall. so I just hold on for another day.

beauty in the dust

Feeling life always to the extreme.

 

a bit about me

I want to learn something new everyday

fear

Love is one of my favorite feeling for myself and for others

i love you

About that one love

i

I love always love big, i don’t know how to love small

love

Adapting to change easy is a great quality to master

survive

Wrote this awhile ago, for that one boy

my boy

Sober is the New Black

This video from London Grammar is Amazing. Love this song Strong

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 327 Sober: Amy Winehouse

Hello friends, today is day 327 sober. I’ve been under the weather with a cold. While having the cold I got food poisoning. The worst. Today is the first day I have the strength to write. The whole time I was sick I wanted to recover quickly so I can get back to sober is the new black. Writing helps me self reflect. When I’m not writing I feel stagnate, stuck and without a purpose. Just floating through life without really living.

 

When I was an active addict I was obsessed with Amy Winehouse, her music was so raw and in a way very rebellious. At the time I wasn’t aware I was an addict. I knew I would drink in abundance, was in a dark place. I wasn’t aware that everything that was going wrong in my life was due to substance abuse. The universe kept giving me signs with every car I crashed, with every friend I lost, with every fight that happen. I connected with Amy Winehouse music on so many levels. Now that I’m sober I still love her music but now my perception of her and her music has changed. I see an artist that was suffering, trying to find herself through her music. Lost and a bit disheveled not rebellious. Her behavior, which seemed reckless at times, was just a symptom from the mind and body disease. I feel a bit sad she was never able to overcome her addiction . Her music will live on and her life can be a lesson “addiction doesn’t discriminate; rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight”. If I kept on being an active addict it would have put me six feet under. I am so grateful for the awareness sobriety has brought me. When she past I was in complete shock, that day i felt a bit heavy with sadness. Even after her death i kept on using not seeing Amy tragic end as a lesson or wake up call.

 

When I was in my early 20’s I would never look towards the future. I was only looking for the next instant gratification which was getting high, buzz, getting off, money, shoes Etc. I didn’t care about the future or long-term goals because I didn’t think I was capable of anything great. My mind would feed me False lies from a dark past. It was so easy using my dark past as an excuse for my behaviors and habits. My infected mind wouldn’t allow me to see possibility, a great future, happiness, love, self worth. It kept feeding, past hurts, childhood stories, false self.

Just because one is sober the mind still can feed those negative stories but once you find a program that works and start healing. Those negative stories become strength. I now can go back, reflect and speak about my past without feeling hurt or anger towards them. It gets easier separating me from the mind and body disease. Catching those negative stories. Shutting it down in seconds. Sober is the New Black.

A new Documentary coming out this summer called Amy is about the rise and fall of Amy Winehouse. Opening our eyes to the real Amy. She was not her addiction. She was something greater.

One of my favorite performances from Amy is so raw  you can feel every word in her voice.

 

Here are Some of poems I’ve Recently birth.

Feel free to share my poems, just credit me.

You can find all my poems on my instagram https://instagram.com/soberwriter

 

No matter how dark the night, or how bad you feel. The sun will rise and a new day will shine. arise

We are all different and have unique qualities. making us perfect and one of a kind.

Little star

When I was a child, I wanted to fly away to a new life far from the one I had. I was lonely, abused, hurt and did not trust anyone. I know there might be other kids running away. When they are stronger and ready to come home. love will embrace them.

 

 

satellite

I’m very grateful for knowing and feeling true love.

his

There will be times when life gets hard, people that we love will pass. We cant give up or forget who we are in the chaos of life

look up

There are times when i lay in bed thinking I could have reacted better or done that better but when i lay in bed knowing i was the best me. That’s when i feel most beautiful inside and out.

beautiful

once you heal and let go.  happiness, joy, gratefulness, compassion will grow

seeds of change

I wrote this about my past addiction switching from cocaine to Alcohol

Overdosing

We all have moments of connecting with others. Whether its love or lust, I will not let my mind close me off to love. Or have expectations of love. Just be in the moment and enjoy their company.

magnolia trees

In the past i would let my circumstances dictate how i acted and saw the world. My life at the time define every part of me but i realized i am not my circumstances, I will create my life starting with my thoughts. When I change the way I look at things. The things I look at change.

world

Helping and Inspiring others is the greatest feeling of all

Shooting star

When we break we heal back stronger than before.

Break Bones

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 255 Sober: Surrendering

Hello Friends today is day 255 sober, the past few days have been really chill. Love waking up without hangover aches or guilt deep in my heart. Even if I wake up a bit down, I know I can control how I feel by seeing the positive in life, I just have to choose how long I want to feel down for.

One of the best parts of sobriety is the surrendering, I no longer have to carry all those heavy burdens I’ve carried for 28 years, I just let everything go. I don’t have any anger or hate for anyone. No grievances from the past. My past addiction was made up of a few things, childhood trauma, fear, and having a family full of untreated addicts. I remember being at the age of 4 sneaking into my stepfather bedroom dresser, looking for his pipe sucking on it pretending to smoke. I loved the taste of the weed resin. My stepfather and brother would take car rides and he would blow weed smoke in our face eventually at the age of 15 I experienced my first high that was weed, that turn into cocaine that turn into alcohol. I switch addiction once the substance I was using become deadly or just not fun anymore. I didn’t realize I was an addict until alcohol came into my life. I switch addiction also because I didn’t realize I was using to cope with my past. Numbing myself from reality.

Now the fear part, I was terrified of everything growing up, scared of wind, heights, mountains, and food, scared of people etc. In elementary school there was a couple of years where I wouldn’t eat because I was afraid of choking, my parents should have put me in the hospital but I eventually got over that fear. I was stick and bones. Growing up I was never taught how to connect with humans in a correct and beautiful way (Reason my previous relationship didn’t work) Now that I am sober and healing I am finding and seeing love in everybody I come into contact with. We are all flawed humans trying to connect with others. My Flaw just happens to be a disorder called addiction.

This past couple of day’s I realized my childhood wasn’t bad at all actually it was the universe preparing me at a very young age, In the process of finding out what the preparation was for. Sober is the New Black.

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Aloe Blacc is one of my favorite modern day soul singer, so inspiring and very handsome as well. hope you enjoy green lights. Check out his album Good Things

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 232 Sober: Macklemore

Hello Friends today Is day 232 sober, sitting in a café on a rainy day is perfection. On the patio watching the rain clean the streets from rusty dirt. I am a film buff and I’ve been living in theaters the past two weeks. Just in time for the Golden Globes this Sunday. One of my long-term goals is to one-day work in the film industries. One dream at a time.

 

I admire and love people who are an advocate for sobriety. Ben Haggerty from Macklemore is one of those. His music, lyrics, and vocal-ness about his past addiction, is very inspiring.  Not only can you detach from the substance and find life again but you can also achieve unimaginable dreams that once seemed so foreign while using. He inspires me to keep reaching for my dreams.

 

I’ve relapsed, a bunch of times in the past but my heart always wanted to be free from Alcohol, but I just didn’t know how. Relapses are very common in addiction and the beauty in that are the lesson when you look back. If there is anyone out there that relapse it’s ok there so much strength in starting over, walk down different streets, separate yourself from everything that might trigger you until you are strong enough. I am one drink away from death is what I tell myself and when I need reminding. I am so grateful I have only had one craving in this recovery. An Alcoholic craving a beer happens, and you shouldn’t get scared. Push through with clearing your mind, with prayer, meditation, books, online speakers, or meetings. Whatever works for you, when I was getting sober in the past, I would sit in a parking lot listening to a warrior by the name of Astrid Howe, and hearing her words over and over again until I left the parking lot believing in sobriety. Sober is the New Black.

The link below is an interview Ben Haggerty did with MTV recently. I hope his words resonate with someone it did with me. I am so grateful for sobriety, my readers and for life.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/?id=1721485

 

THESE SONGS BELOW ARE FROM MACKLEMORE, IT’S NEVER TO LATE TO BE THAT PERSON YOU DREAM. Start over.

 

I wrote a few minutes ago and I can’t stop crying. There is some more healing to be done inside my heart when it comes to forgiving the hurt I have caused. Sometimes I feel when people find out I am in recovery all they see, is an addict as opposed to a human healing from a mind disorder. Plenty of doors have closed due to my battle. Lost tons of friends at a time when I needed them the most. It feels great to cry and opening the soul so you can heal. I hope this poem opens up family and friends eyes to understanding what goes on in a loved one who might be suffering.

 

Relapse poem

 

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez