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November 2, 2014

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DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

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DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

Hello Friends, Today is day 162 sober, I just want to start off by saying all the readers support and inspiring message, that fill my heart up with so much joy. I just hope I do the same for others who may be suffering in this battle. Part of getting sober is going inside and finding root causes of my addiction. The ones I hide inside deep, from the traumas I’ve been through. I have not really talked about this subject to anyone, none of my family knows about this. So I might have some backlash or maybe some support but the most important thing in my life is healing so I can stay sober.

 

 

I was Sexually abused at a very young age. It was a male babysitter who would watch me while my mother would go out and party, my mother is also an addict. For a  long time, I thought it was my doing or my curiosity that caused it. It happened more than once and I don’t remember much except that it felt good. I don’t know if I was seeking attention from the lack of it in my household or I might have seen people doing it in my household. Writing this down scares me a bit but I just need to connect the dots From being molested to addiction. I know being molested has everything to do with me seeking love in sex, or if someone is not attracted to me then that means there is something wrong with me.

 

 My writing helps me heal from the inside. Taking all the pain out and writing it down is the way I know how to heal, When I was a child I lived in my head away from reality because It was to painful. I would daydream a new life so I can survivor another day. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I need to take ownership of how my life is today and know that I am no longer that child being touch for love but a survivor that is blossoming into a softer person. I lived my life thinking everyone was out to hurt me and In a very defensive state but the reality is that not everyone is my parents or my molester. This was a hard write so now ill go weep my healing tears a bit. Sober is the New Black.

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Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

Ellie Goulding your song  I dedciate to my innner child that still feels the need to feel scared. It time to go now, I got this. Run free. 

 

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October 23, 2014

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DAY 153 Sober: Thoughts in the Mind

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DAY 153 Sober: Thoughts in the Mind

 

Hello Friends today is day 153 sober. Part of staying sober for me is to being aware of how my mind works, patterns, habits, how I see the world also matching my mind with actions. Doing the right thing. At first doing the right thing felt uncomfortable because it wasn’t the norm. After awhile it became a good habit. Habits aren’t all bad. Replacing positive thoughts with negative ones use to be hard but once I became aware that I am in controlled of my thoughts, creating them have been pretty awesome. Not soaking in suffering. Grief is healthy; Tears of hurt releasing 85 toxins from our body so I allow myself when I need it.

 

When I cry I let it flow and eventually it will stop but if I keep thinking the same thought it wont stop so I allow a healthy cry but change my thoughts when I feel it’s time, I am in control of my body and mind always. I also don’t feel much unhappiness, yes I do feel a bit sad at times, a bit heartbroken but I am still happy and loving life. My recovery is self-rewarding. I am finding myself, becoming less attached to stuff, not offended by other people. It’s pretty cool finding new things about myself. What I like and what I don’t like. Recovery is a blessing, first rule is don’t drink. Go inside and find my root causes that started my addiction, Find a higher power that dwells in me. AA rooms are amazing but it all comes down to me, and what I choose to do when I leave those four walls. I know I can’t control life but I can control myself and will continue to heal, healing all the way to my grave. Never reaching for perfection, only reaching for wholeness, peace, serenity, and gratefulness. I want my mind to be so still and Quiet, like I am floating in life always. Sober is the new Black. I am grateful for life, people, recovery, readers, and for my fingertips that allow me to heal through my writings.

 

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Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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October 21, 2014

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DAY 151 Sober: MACKLEMORE

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DAY 151 Sober: MACKLEMORE

Hello Friends today is day 151 sober, it’s been such a busy day. Life has been really good since my last post. My heart is getting stronger everyday and my mind is getting clear from all the negative thoughts. Being aware of the mind Disorder called Addiction is helping my stay sober, one-day at a time. Grateful for each sober moment. I have always been a fan of people who are outspoken about their addiction, it helps me see whats possible in being sober. They are teachers and for newly sober they inspire. Not just sober from booze, sober from hurt, fear, sober from anything this is preventing someone from reaching there full potential. I relapse a bunch of times in the past because I was focus on the stuff I couldn’t do anymore like old routines, old friends instead imagining what I can accomplish once I am sober. I hid my relapses from everyone I loved. The mind disorder was a lair but me the person was so weak and scared I was so ashamed. I was a let down like always. Someone really close to me found wine bottles in my bag and I broke down, The disorder came out screaming than the real me came out crying knowing that I let everyone down again. It still haunts me a bit but admitting my relapse was very painful and hard for my loved ones but it free’d me so i can hit my rock bottom, which made me become aware of the mind, that lead me here today healing.  It needs to stay as a reminder of what booze has done to my life. I know exactly what will happen if I started drinking again but I don’t know what will happen when I stay sober and that is amazing.

 

 

I never really listen to Macklemore music until a friend recommended me to him. I was unaware there album “The heist” is about Ben Haggerty overcoming past and his addiction. Ben Haggerty is a member of the hip-hop group. The last few days I’ve been obsessed with his album and his story. It shows the Capability of  Sobriety, if you relapse its ok because you can change now in this moment. Macklemore inspires me to keep writing, dreaming and to never ever feel that my addiction Is who I am, I am so much greater and I have infinite possibility when I sober. The first 2 videos are songs off  Their album the Heist. They are about Ben Haggerty addiction and the last video is an interview with dateline about relapsing. Sober is the new black.

 

 Stay connect with love Adolfo

 

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October 14, 2014

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DAY 144 Sober: Alive and Feeling Life

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DAY 144 Sober: Alive and Feeling Life

Hello Friends. Today is day 144 sober. Lately I’ve been learning how to accept  life’s decisions. Everything happens for a reason and I have to accept the universe plans even if it hurts. Yes pain is part of life and so is heart breaks, I just have to stay focus on my healing. In the past when life wasn’t going as plan I would give up and give in to coping substances but now I am allowing myself to endure pain and learn how to work through it with a clean mind and body. I don’t want an ounce of that liquid poison. I crave other things like healing, writing and finding a purposeful day. Yes my heart might be broken but it’s a sober heart and it’s grieving in a healthy way without booze. Whether its happiness or sadness, it’s great to know I am capable of feeling life without booze.

 

 

I’ve been working like crazy and have stop my daily posts on Sober is the New Black. I will get back to my daily entries once this work season is over. I also have some projects in the works but I had to pause them for the moment. My goal is to take off 3 months of work at the end of this year so I can finish my book I’ve been creating. I am adding another element to it and I am very excited. It needs to be perfect and I need to take my time so it can be right. I am aware of how blessed I am to be able to take 3 months off of work and I don’t want to take it for granted. In the past I would spend my time off wasting tons of money on hotels, booze and partying after the work season. This time I want to invest my time and money on my long-term goals and dreams. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for life, family, friends, for my strength to endure life’s blues and for my sobriety that keeps me alive.

 

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October 11, 2014

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DAY 141 Sober: A Sober Brunch

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DAY 141 Sober: A Sober Brunch

Hello friends, today is day 141 sober. It has been a really good day. I am at a hotel café in Korea town it has a really good brunch. The hotel has its own green house so everything healthy and fresh. I am in love with this place. There is nothing like it in LA. I’m so grateful for this sober mind. There has been know craving that old life and ways. Work has been a bit stressful but I managing my stress well. Leaving it behind and trying to find solutions for the issue. I work around 60 hours a week and weekends off. Today I have to work from home a bit but I am grateful for this job that allows me to have this amazing brunch.

 My mind is getting healthy; I think its time for my body to also follow that path. It’s a bit hard because I love snack foods but I want my mind, body and soul all align. Even with working 60 hrs a week, I still write every day. It’s my healing tool, letting it all out. It is necessary for my growth. I write everywhere on buses and trains. Even at work ill sneak in a write. Most of my Poem’s are written on my IPhone notes. They usually start with an idea or a word I write down than elaborate. Some come effortlessly and written in one shot and others may take a bit more work. All is from a sober mind.

 All I want to do is write. I know for the rest of my life ill be writing my life away whether its in books, movies, film, poems or journalism my writing is my purpose and it will guide me to a fulfilled life but all of it is only possible with sobriety and higher power that lives inside me at all times. Sober is the New Black.

 

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Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

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October 8, 2014

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DAY 138 Sober: Advocate for Sobriety

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DAY 138 Sober: Advocate for Sobriety

Hello friends today is day 138 sober. Work has been hectic but I am still finding time to write and heal. The longer I am sober the easier it is to stay sober. Somebody once told me its easier staying sober than trying to get sober and I do believe that. My life is golden and blissful, and each moment that I am breathing I am so grateful. I don’t miss that drunken numbing state. I love feeling life even if it hurts a bit or at times annoying it can get but I am feeling and that means I am alive.

 

 I am finding passion for things I never knew I was capable of doing or enjoy doing. No other habits have surfaced, my coffee intake have gone up a bit but not to extreme. I find myself constantly smiling and looking in people eyes. Trying to see past their scars and trying to see them only in the light of understanding and compassion. I do tune out people who have aggressive opinions about my blog. I can’t waste my healing energy on people who are committed to not understanding me. I understand that being Anonymous is very important but I don’t mind letting people know I am an addict because I want people to know its ok to be an addict, it doesn’t define me and I am capable of having a great life, and just because someone is an addict doesn’t mean that they are a bad person or selfish, the disorder is but the person is not. I see myself more as an advocate for Sobriety. Sober for me, is the best thing I have ever worn and goes with every part of my life.

 

 My life has change in so many ways, people that I love are back in my life. The biggest change is how I see myself. I have this deep love for me and I want to be a better person everyday. It takes work but the work turns into getting know the real me that has been hidden. It really cool getting to see me grow and let go of my past. Being aware of the mind disorder has helped me stay sober. The voice in my head is tuning out and a new voice of love in coming on.

 

When I sit still in moments, it feels like a dream. I think of were I’m today and where I been and I cant help tear up due to gratefulness. It doesn’t matter how low of a bottom you are in, there will be climb that might take time but once you come over on the other side life will be nothing but bliss. Sober is the new Black.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

I love Sara Bareilles, this song is perfect. Brave i will be till the end

 

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October 3, 2014

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DAY 133 Sober: A family Fight

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DAY 133 Sober: A family Fight

Hello Friends it’s been a few days since my last blog post, I needed a break to clear my mind. Addiction is a family curse and it seems like lately I have someone in my immediate family who is in really bad shape and I am so focus on my recovery, I did not realize how bad of shape he is in. He just got out of the hospital from withdrawals but still wants to drink. I want to just shake him but I know I used to be him, in denial. The only person who can change his mind is he. I love him with all my heart and I know if anything were to ever happen I would be crushed. I inspire people but it seems I can’t even inspire my own family member to get clean. I can only focus on my healing and I have not craved any booze.

 

Helping my family member, will help me but he needs to want it. Not just accepting it but really wanting to stop and knowing with every cell in his body that he is an addict. Will be taking a trip back home so I can maybe talk to him. I’ve been working 60hrs a week, my program, and creating a book so I have not really had time for anything other than a shower and maybe a meal.

 

I believe in him and know he will see the light. I will do everything in my power to fight for him as others have done for me. I love him and I also will give him some tuff love. Sober is the new black. I am grateful for family, friends, love, my awareness, and for my program that keeps me clean.

 

 

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Sober is the New Black

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

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September 29, 2014

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DAY 129 Sober: Letting go of a dream

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DAY 129 Sober: Letting go of a dream

Hello Friends today is day 129 sober, Yesterday was a hard day for me but I did not crave booze but I did want to stop writing and felt bitter, sad, angry and wanted to stop everything in the works. Right now, I rather be laying in bed under the covers shutting out the world so I can scream and weep but I know I need to write because this blogs is showing the ups and down of sobriety and this is a down moment. This moment isn’t really an addiction moment it’s a human moment.

 

 Life will not always go according to my plan because the universe has its plan. I just have to keep staying sober and feel this pain in my heart until it heals. Its hard separating the stuff I’ve done from the person I am today because I lost a lot of trust in people. I am not my wrongs and I have to accept that I did lose stuff because of my addiction. I have to remember what Addiction has done to keep me working my program. I have always been a survivor since birth. I was born premature and got pneumonia a week into my life. I will still stand tall but still weep my healing tears. It’s necessary.

 

I just fought really hard for someone who I knew in my heart was the one, even hearts can be wrong sometime. I would have moved mountains, done everything and anything to have him next to me at age of 80, ill be writing with my coffee maybe he’ll be sipping a glass of wine. It might sound a bit crazy, but he knew, he was that last thing I wanted to see before I left out of this world, his face brought me peace and that would have helped me Exit but that wont be. I have to let go of that dream I held on for the past four years. Time to dream a new dream. We did not have alot in common when it came to what we enjoyed doing on are down time but I was open to trying morning hikes etc. The only thing I couldn’t do with him is drink but I can dance, or eat happy hour foods. Not sure if me not enjoying a drink with him was part of it and if it was than maybe I’ve been a fool in love this whole time.

 

I know it came down to me being a dishonest person the last year of the relationship. Maybe he wants someone less fucked up as me, someone without a disorder and that’s fine. We have one life. What I know now that I have a sober clear mind is. I will never give up on love and I will not end up like my mom, going crazy for men, chasing them down and not living her dream and using substance to cope with the pain. Yes my heart is in deep pain and right now I am in tears but I will stay sober, put on my big boy pants and heal this pain so I can live a fulfilling life, rewrite my dreams and life and Yes every time my phone beeps I look down hoping this is a dream but I know its not.

 I am glad it was his choice because I know in my heart I tried and so I have no what if’s

My life will go on and I will shine beyond the dope past. I will build a house somewhere on mountains and live a sober life. Working my program. Sober is the New Black. Grateful for the strength to push through this write.

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

 

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