DAY 40 Sober: A Sponsor

Hello friends today is day 40 Sober, in the past I have reach this point before I was in place of not fully accepting the fact that I am an addict. I would admit to some people but there is a huge difference between admitting and accepting. Admitting is just a word to me, I need to accept it with every cell in my body and believe I am an addict. Connect it to the role it plays in my life today, I think for me being an addict is ok. I want my Addiction to become a blessing so I can help others. I want to grow and learn with other addicts. My higher power probably knew I was strong enough to break the family disorder so it blessed me with it and maybe to help others. Addiction really has brought me closer to myself and today I feel really good, good enough to start finding a sponsor. I know it’s not an “I” program it’s a “WE” program. I never had a sponsor before and I know it’s a fear base and fear is something I am working through.  Not the fear of the work its fear of the sponsor. My sobriety is the most important thing right now next to my higher power. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 23 and I seen some really dry and mean sponsors that scared me. With that said I believe that the universe will bring me whatever I need and sometimes what I think I need is not what best for me and what I don’t want might be exactly what I need so I need to overcome that fear and not let the Alcohol-ISM  (Inside Self & Mind) create a window even if it’s a small one for it to over take my mind.

 

What I’ve learned in the past 40 days is pain inevitable.  Were human and not perfect nor meant to be. It’s how long we allow that window of suffering. Anger for me is easy to brush off but hurt for me goes a bit deeper. Some pain/hurt like a loved one passing is something I struggle with trying to understand. Is that pain/hurt supposed to go away? I know what creating a new normal is but you still carry that hurt with you. I am sure as life happens and I get older I might understand or maybe I am not meant to understand just let my higher power guide through those moments of grief.

 

Today I am so grateful for all the support. There has been a tremendous support from other Addicts that have warmed my heart and made me feel not so lonely. They have shared their stories, wisdom, and suggestions that have inspired me and brought me comfort. Their has also been people saying I inspire them and some people who have been sober for a long time say I have reminded them on what life use to be like in the early days of sobriety and that keeps them focus. Those things have brought me so much joy there is no words to explain it, it’s more of a feeling that flows through me. I am so grateful for you all and I have deep love for you all! Sober is the New Black!

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 19 Sober: A Drunken Encounter

Hello friend’s day 19 sober. My body is feeling good and I woke up with a clear mind.  I need to start going to bed early or switch my schedule, last night I fell asleep at 1am and woke up a bit after 4am only a few hours asleep is not going to work. I love being up at all times but need to sleep.  

 

So yesterday I was working on Sober is The New Black at a cafe that I absolute love, the vibe and energy is perfect. The cafe is located in between my two old bars that I would frequent on a daily basis. I usually sit inside but yesterday I decided to move outdoors. It was a beautiful day in LA. So as I am writing this car pulls up in front of the shop, A man gets off the car and I recognize him from the bar, I can tell he was already intoxicated and when he exit the car he started to take a few hits from a pipe (weed). He notices me and I said “hello”. He asked me why he hasn’t seen me at the bar. With out hesitation I told him I had quit and I am now sober. He had a puzzled look on his face. 

 

A little bit of a back-story; he is also a fellow writer and an English teacher. The first time we met we talked for hours. He gave me a notebook with a bunch of his writings and told me to take it home and read it. He also wanted me to write something down on a napkin so he can read something I wrote. I was drunk at the time but I did. I believe he wanted to see how good I was; At the time I was in a place of not wanting to share my writings. I don’t remember what he said about my writings, I am sure it was not good; After all he is an English teacher and is going for his masters! 

 

So back to yesterday, after I told him I was sober and he gave me puzzled look. I told him I started a blog and then he told me to read it for him, already I felt my body tense and knew he was ready to be an asshole again so I told him he would like to read it I can give him a link to my website. I was also in the middle of my online AA.  He drunkenly persisted and I know how drunks are because I was one so I invited him to the table. He started to read an older post out loud and the booze smell just filled my space. When he was finish he looked at me and said I just got my masters in two years. I congratulate him, which is pretty awesome. He then said my grammar is atrocious, my writing lack originality, and its pretty bland. He ask me if he can write a post for me so he can spicy things up. I told him no the blog is my personal journey and its really not about being perfect or right but being honest and truthful. He drunkenly kept on. He then clicked on my other web browser, which opened my AA video, he then said “isn’t AA suppose to be Anonymous it defeats the purpose”. At that I point I felt my blood start to boil but I explain to him everybody joinery is different and I am ok speaking about it.

He eventually walked off to my old bar. Writing for me is very personal and so is this blog and being sober. I should have not let him in my space but lesson learn and the wheels keep turning. After he left those anger feelings left quickly. I realized that I was once that way to a lot of people maybe not in the same context but those feelings I had inside me I probably caused in others. He was just some stranger, the majority of the pain I caused were to love ones that probably hurt even more. I am so grateful that I am in a joyful place because that encounter would have stayed with me for a longtime if I was in my old mindset but in my new mindset no one has the power to take away my joy. I also wish him the best and hope he finds peace, also I hope he is successful in his writing career. So happy to have 19 days sober and counting!

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 6 Sober: Breaking the Cycle

  Before i start i wanted to Address something i notice when I was watching my Day 6 sober: Breaking the cycle video i said  ” I always needed booze,boys, money, cars, friends, I mean its nice to have those things but those things don’t mean shit if you are not really working on your stuff and happy”    You see how sneaky this disorder is! I was naming off stuff i used in the past to make me happy and even if i am happy or dealing with my stuff  I can never drink booze or have any substance! its still trying to sneak in, that was a real moment on how Alcoholism works! Inside Self and Mind=ISM.. I am glad i caught it so i can be aware!!!!!!!! 

 

 

So, Today has be a very amazing day Day 6 sober. I am currently Laying in bed alone, in peace…..well I was until my wifi stopped working now at a Starbucks on Wilshire!  I used to hate being alone because I was left with my mind  feeding me my horrible past then those thoughts became feelings that consisted of  paranoia, fear, Anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and unsettledness. So then My Alcohol disorder would easily convince my to drink  to the point of darkness and that was the pattern that Repeated over, over and over in cycles for years. I Feel like my family had patterns that turn into cycles that has been in grain in us from generation to generation. There is a reason why addiction has been passed down from my grandpa, father then to me. Learn habits? I used to tell myself  i would never be an addict after living through a horrible childhood. I hated the thought of  booze and drugs, so how did i end up here? 

 

 

Can Patterns be in grain in us with us not even knowing? I believe my family had behavior patterns that told us how to view the world, are opinion of others, self esteem and are belief system. Family patterns are not bad or good.. it was passed down to them. We need them to challenge us so we can grow.  We also have the power to break free from the family patterns, just by becoming aware of  are thoughts. Its a challenge for me but if  i want to overcome this Alcohol disorder then i have to be aware of my self esteem, how i see the world, and be the watcher of my mind.  Last night when i was talking in my video blog i had an aahhh moment in Oprah words. I realize that i am the one in are family to break this pattern in the Vasquez generation. Ive been preparing for this battle my whole life, maybe thats why i had all the trauma in my childhood so i can be strong enough to fight this battle, so my children and their children are free from this disorder that was handed down to us! I never really knew my grandpa Santos but i really understand him now and maybe just maybe he is on the other side keeping me alive so i can fight for him too!

 

 

It ends now and here.. I will be starting AA this weekend and i know it helped millions and i know in my heart that i am an addict and thats the first step. To know you are powerless over booze. I am open to anything that can help me stay sober. So if anyone out there has any suggestions, that would be awesome!  Iam so grateful for 6 days sober and finding myself everyday!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo