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May 24, 2015

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1 Year Sober

Today is one year sober; today I feel nothing but gratitude. A sense of self-awareness I have never felt before. In one year I’ve learned more about me than in the 28 years of living. What I’ve learned in one year sober is I am not my past, my mistakes, and my past addiction. I’m whom I choose to be today, in this moment.

A year ago today, I was sitting on a mattress on the floor in a new apartment, I’d lost the love of my life because of my addiction, and I was ashamed and embarrassed. Little hope, lost with no purpose or sense of direction.

Today every aspect of my life is amazing, like I am walking in a dream. I see the world with different eyes. Eyes that is clear and filled with hope and compassion.

Sobriety does not fix everything but it allows me to have a clear mind so I could fix my life. The first few weeks into sobriety my emotions were up and down. Happy, Sad, Hopeful, defeated, angry, confused, blissful, inspired, sobriety allowed me to feel life on life terms.

The list of gifts sobriety has brought into my life are endless. Surrendering everything to the power greater than myself has been beyond rewarding, it taught me a word called forgiveness. Forgiving everything including forgiveness for myself.

Sobriety put purpose in my writing. I heal through my art. Hopefully inspiring others to heal through art. I now see love in all aspects of my life. When I was using I was blind from the love that surrounded me. I was caught in my mind that created false stories that brought me pain so I would use, creating a vicious cycle of using.

Now I see love so big, I feel love so much it’s as if my heart going to explode.

The ISM in Alcoholism is Alcohol-Inside Self & Mind. My disease centered in my mind creating the body craving. I had to become aware of the mind voice. Once I was able separate the voice from my True self. I could stop the voice dead in its tracks. The voice would speak to me like just have one more drink or only wine. The voice would bring up my past; you had such a bad childhood, you should be angry, he’s cheating on you, blah blah on and on. How dare you, you offended me, blah, blah on and on.

The voice sounded like me, it knew what to say to get me to the next drink.

I’m stronger than the voice because I’m aware of my true-self. My true-self is stronger. I can shut it down. if it starts feeding me negative thoughts from my past.

Today I woke up happy, aware, with purpose; fire in my heart to create art, wanting to be a better me. Still working on love for myself and compassion for others. Staying open to learning new things. Sober is the new black.

I want to say thank you to the readers of sober is the new black. That allowed me to share my journey. There are no words that i can write down to show my gratitude. Thank you friends with more days sober who are my teachers and thank you friends with less days sober who my inspiration.

Sober is the New Black will continue on, my book will be out at the end of this year also an apparel line. Sobriety brings dreams that seemed unimaginable. God bless and until next time. Going to turn off my computer for the day and just live!!!!!! Seeing new sights with these clean and sober eyes.

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

This video below was one year in the making. Hope it inspires.

Special thanks to Roxy Shih for the video

Vincent Sandoval for Photography

Stay connected with love Adolfo Vasquez

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May 12, 2015

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Day 353 Sober: Building myself

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Day 353 Sober: Building myself

Hello Friends today is day 353 sober. Just got back to LA from an amazing trip back home in Palm Springs. I spent mother’s day with both mothers, grateful for the sober mind that allowed me to enjoy each moment. My year sober is in a couple weeks. It’s kind of surreal to have made it this far without cravings. It went by quickly. This journey has been so rewarding in every aspect of my life, Mind, body and soul. The ones I lost because of past addiction are coming back around.

Day 1 sober I was sitting on a mattress in an empty room. I was empty and broken inside. No purpose, no clear path, not writing. I felt defeated but I knew the reason for all the turmoil was due to alcohol. Fast forward to today, actually living a life that I am proud of. Feeling weightless of the past. Seeing people with love instead of ego. I will always be working but today I’m enjoying 353 days of sober.

I stumbled upon an amazing app called Sober Grid that connects me with other sober people in my local area. It’s available for all smart phones. It really cool, like a community sharing their day, posting inspiration on the news feed, and they even have a burning desire if someone needs to talk at anytime of the day. It’s hard sometimes to meet other sober people who can relate and understand. In the past I’ve meet some cool people who find out I’m sober, they tend to get scared off like I’m contagious.

I am aware that being sober carry’s a stigma that we are boring. Others might not want to invite me because they want to have a drink without feeling guilty or worry. I’m at a point in my recovery were I can be around alcohol and not crave it. My life is to amazing to ever want my lips to touch another bottle.

When I was an active addict I was not fun, maybe in the beginning but once I blackout I would make drunk scenes. Get emotional and act out in ways that were not my true self. I would wake up the next day and have a feeling of deep shame. Now when I go out, I’m in control of every situation and outcome. I’m now Laughing, dancing, being myself, a wiser and more positive person. I’ve notice the universe is bringing more like minded people in my life and taking away all the negative thinking people.

When I was using, I would always build myself in bars. By stretching the truth, lying, or hiding my past. I did that because I was empty inside. I knew up to that point I had amounted to nothing. Hearing others succeeding in life made me feel low. When I look back on my tall stories, I can’t help laugh at how delusional I was.

So I now I build myself up in healthy and mindful ways. Asking myself what needs to be worked on. Whether it’s work on my health or old wounds. Being aware of my emotions for example if I’m hurting or feel jealous I will ask myself “why I’m I feeling that way”? Than follow that string of pain to the source. Once I find the source than I could heal by letting go and forgiving. I also build my self up in other ways like Creating love for every part of my body and if I’m not happy with my waist than making healthy choices in my eating habits. Believing that I am worthy of self-respect. Working on long-term gratification instead of living for instant gratifications. Writing poetry. Sober is the New Black

Here are some poems and two short stories.

I wrote this awhile back but yet to share it. At 11:52am an incident happen that took my breath away. this was the moment.

I’ll do whatever it takes to evolve from old ways

We all have disagreements with friends and family but now i value the saving the relationship than being right or wrong

I was always searching for outside things because I felt empty inside. nothing I found would be lasting, creating a greater need for more things. Making it a vicious cycle of need.

whatever happens in life, whether good or bad. don’t break from your truth

On day one sober, I was still bruised from my life crashing down but i found the beauty in the fall. so I just hold on for another day.

Feeling life always to the extreme.

I want to learn something new everyday

Love is one of my favorite feeling for myself and for others

About that one love

I love always love big, i don’t know how to love small

Adapting to change easy is a great quality to master

Wrote this awhile ago, for that one boy

Sober is the New Black

This video from London Grammar is Amazing. Love this song Strong

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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May 1, 2015

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DAY 342 Sober: A sensitive person

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DAY 342 Sober: A sensitive person

A hello friends, today is day 342 sober. Its 2:48am. I am sitting in my bathtub. Ill probably post this in the afternoon. I felt I needed to get this out before I head to sleep. I’ve always been a very sensitive person. At times I feel like my heart lives on my skin. Being sensitive I believe is a gift. I’m always in tune with my feelings. Compassion flows through me effortless, cautious about taking action, and more carefully considers options and possible outcomes. Being sensitive helps me with my poetry and writing, also at times I feel my five senses are more vivid whether it’s touch, scent, or a beautiful view.

Being sensitive can also be hard at times especially when you are no longer numbing yourself from substance. As a kid I was so sensitive it was hard for me to connect with others. I didn’t have much friends. I was a loner, an introvert closing myself off so I wouldn’t get hurt from others. I was already being hurt at home and a child could only handle so much pain.

Now that I am an adult it seems people harsh comments about my blog or poems could put me in a funk that might last a day. I sometimes feel I have to explain why is it that I am so open about my past addiction. I hope it helps somebody who might be having a hard time believing in sobriety or maybe it might inspire someone to stop using. People can Google day one sober or day 167 sober and sober are the new black will pop up. They can see what I was going through that day and maybe somewhere in that post they can relate or connect, helping in some way. I’m trying to make everyday count in my sobriety. I knew from day one I could never be anonymous. I want to be a voice an advocate for sobriety. By openly sharing my story. Some people who don’t suffer from this disease see addiction as more of a choice, than a metal and body disease. I hope to bring awareness and understanding, that we who suffer never planned on being a addict. Yes active addicts have horrible symptoms and side effects that can lead to criminal acts.

A person shouldn’t be define by their disease or symptoms they are so much more.

My dreams now involve wearing year sober shirts in public so the world can see you can have a past addiction and still achieve dreams that were once unimaginable. Live a happy life. Have love, I might even wear a 5 years sober shirt under my wedding suit because without sober I would not have anything. Making me grateful for every big and small thing I have. Sober is the New Black.

Yesterday someone made a comment that affected me the great portion of the day. Basically stating I wasn’t a real poet. Writing is in my blood and my poems are my purpose. Me being a sensitive person I got hurt and I shed some tears. It brought me down and that voice we all have in our mind made me feel less talented, I wasn’t following the guidelines of making art (which I don’t think there is), I started to question my truth. I did not have a craving because of it, which I am so grateful.

I spoke to a great friend throughout the day who words helped me. I’m publicly showing my poems, sobriety and soon to be book. People are always going to have an opinion. I know some might not like it. I am ok with that but the ones who are just rude I have to ignore. I do believe this blog and poems are connecting with others. I can’t waste energy on people who are committed to not liking or understanding me. I also can’t let others define me or make me question my true self.

I will keep writing, writing, and writing until I’m on my deathbed and even than I’ll have some ideas for my next poems with a pen and paper. Sober is the new black

Here are some Poems I’ve written this past week.

My Addiction Stole people from my life but it needed to happen. So I can do it on my own. Making me beyond grateful to reunite healthy and happy

In order to change you must do the work and feel the pain to understand the lesson

I am always here for my readers if they need help XOXOXO

All poems are my truth, life goes up and down. I’ve experience A lot of dark in my life. When i was younger it seemed i was cursed at love

You and I are not our past. Don’t let childhood define our ambitions.

This poem is about the early stages of being sober. The first few days on the battle field

so this next poem might offend some people and for a moment i was unsure of sharing it. But this is my truth, This blog is raw and i have to be open. I cant sugar coat my past and I have to own every part of my life. Part of my recovery is Moral inventory. Before I moved to la. I was using drugs and booze I was very promiscuous, a floozy, whorish. Writing helps me take out all the dark stuff put it on paper detoxing my soul. I hope by me being honest it could help someone not be ashamed from with they did when they were using drugs or alcohol. Sober is the New Black

Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Today I will shake off those critics.

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January 24, 2015

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8 Months Sober

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8 Months Sober

Hello Friends today is 8 months sober, today I feel content with my recovery process. I’m grateful for life, human connection, and for finding myself every day. I’m starting to understand what they mean by its not the destination its all about the journey. I have to embrace every circumstance life brings me with a positive outlook. Rewiring my mind to see the world in a positive way. The way I use to see the world and understand the world was with eyes molded from past pain, childhood traumas, low self-esteem and fear. All those intertwined caused my substance abuse disorder. I did not know how to have a human connection so I bonded with alcohol, now I am learning to see everybody in the light of love and understanding without ego.

Last week I felt empty and couldn’t understand why but a spiritual teacher by the name of Jesse Ann Nichols George spoke some words to me that really help me understand the feeling of emptiness. The feeling of emptiness is a sign of progression. I have emptied myself from the negative and I can fill my life with something new, mindful and purpose filled. Going to start pushing myself to write Short stories, still writing poetry but I need to push myself with my writing. I felt a bit stagnant so grateful for her wisdom.

At 8 months sober, my eyes see my surroundings in a different way, I notice things I have yet seen. Small stuff too big stuff from the crack in the wall in my apartment to the love that surrounds my life. My senses are heightened; I feel life to the extreme. I wake up happy, wanting to find purpose in every day. I finding myself in tears most of my days, happy tears also sometimes sober blues tears. Lately the reason is fear based that I am working on, I know if I just stay sober life will open up but I’m also working towards dreams and I get fearful that I may fail but even those fears won’t stop me from working my butt off. Sober is the New Black.

So if there is anyone early in recovery that might be having a hard time, just remember you are also detoxing the mind and your feelings will be up and down, if you just push on those feelings they will level out and life gets clear. The wanting or cravings might not go away right away, but you become so strong that you can change your thoughts to positive ones. That will help you get through the cravings. Take those painful feelings and create art, make it meaningful. It will bring so much joy and peace. Sober is The new Black

I’ve been working on this short story the past couple days, it’s called A boy and his Bear. Hope you like it.

A boy and his bear

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday, go to Disneyland, camping, eat some smore’s. It’s never too late

childhood

Me at 8 months sober

Adolfo Vasquez

This video is of Ira Glass so inspiring if there is anyone who is an artist struggling must watch

This song from Ellie Goulding your song is for anybody who is struggling with recovery, it’s so wonderful and beautiful that you are alive in this world, believe that and also feel that in your heart. I love you so much.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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December 1, 2014

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DAY 191 Sober: Sober Learner

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DAY 191 Sober: Sober Learner

Hello friends, today is day 191 sober, I had a wonderful 7 days off of work for thanksgiving. I am a bit over six months sober and only have had one craving. Every decision I am making in my life is toward long-term goals and my own doing. I don’t have to wake up the next day with guilt or worrisome of the wrongs I’ve caused. No more lush trends. My body feels great, no more really dry skin and my shape looks a lot better

The beginning of sobriety, detoxing the body happens, but I didn’t know detoxing the mind would also happen. My emotions would always go up and down, sad and happy, joyful and angry. I question everything and everybody. I found out quickly, who were my friends. So it seemed my life was upside down. It seemed like a roller coaster. I knew I wanted change and never wanted to taste another IPA beer, but the addiction came out in full force once I stop giving my addiction what it need, the booze. So I had to reach out and find out how to heal my broken mind. They say you can’t fix a broken mind with a broken mind, that is true 100, but I do believe you can heal a broken mind so you can be aware of the addiction voice. Now that the fog has cleared and I am not using, I am left with issues and root causes. It’s a huge step to be aware of being an addict because you can never become unaware once you are aware. The addiction can try and convince otherwise, but it will get quite and far in between. I just need to do my program and not drink

the beginning of sobriety I was unaware of all the love in support sobriety brings, from people in recovery. I stumbled upon a website called “match me sober” and it connects people in sobriety, there are so many social media outlets that cater to us.

I call my Teachers, sober warriors who have the answers I need so I can understand the mind of the addiction. I’ve been in and out of AA rooms in California, my first was in my hometown and I did not connect with the speaker because he was talking about all the wrongs he has done. I was 21 never been in prison or did any of the things that he spoke of, so my defected mind, thought, I must not be an addict and left using. It was until years later, I found a place called primetime in Los Angeles heard what I needed, They focus on the mind of the addict and I left knowing I was an addict. I still never been in prison or did those things my Hometown speaker spoke about but I connected with the speaker of primetime, because they focus on the ego, mind and body of the addict and how it affects them in their day to day

I do not consider myself a sober warrior yet, there is still a way to go, but I am a sober learner. Love to learn more about addiction and one day able to help others, as of now I am a sponge soaking up all I can so I can be a better me. I need a solid foundation so I can build this house called life. There are other non-addicts that inspire my spiritual growth. My life long goal is to be the best I can be through my actions and thoughts. The universe render endless possibility, it might not always be as I planned, but there are reasons things happen. My little brown eyes are not made to understand at the time, but the lessons will surface I just have to be open enough to see it. Sober is the new black.

This song from Macklemore-Otherside ft fences changed my life. Hope it helps someone who might be struggling

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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October 23, 2014

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DAY 153 Sober: Thoughts in the Mind

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DAY 153 Sober: Thoughts in the Mind

Hello Friends today is day 153 sober. Part of staying sober for me is to being aware of how my mind works, patterns, habits, how I see the world also matching my mind with actions. Doing the right thing. At first doing the right thing felt uncomfortable because it wasn’t the norm. After awhile it became a good habit. Habits aren’t all bad. Replacing positive thoughts with negative ones use to be hard but once I became aware that I am in controlled of my thoughts, creating them have been pretty awesome. Not soaking in suffering. Grief is healthy; Tears of hurt releasing 85 toxins from our body so I allow myself when I need it.

When I cry I let it flow and eventually it will stop but if I keep thinking the same thought it wont stop so I allow a healthy cry but change my thoughts when I feel it’s time, I am in control of my body and mind always. I also don’t feel much unhappiness, yes I do feel a bit sad at times, a bit heartbroken but I am still happy and loving life. My recovery is self-rewarding. I am finding myself, becoming less attached to stuff, not offended by other people. It’s pretty cool finding new things about myself. What I like and what I don’t like. Recovery is a blessing, first rule is don’t drink. Go inside and find my root causes that started my addiction, Find a higher power that dwells in me. AA rooms are amazing but it all comes down to me, and what I choose to do when I leave those four walls. I know I can’t control life but I can control myself and will continue to heal, healing all the way to my grave. Never reaching for perfection, only reaching for wholeness, peace, serenity, and gratefulness. I want my mind to be so still and Quiet, like I am floating in life always. Sober is the new Black. I am grateful for life, people, recovery, readers, and for my fingertips that allow me to heal through my writings.

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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August 5, 2014

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DAY 74 Sober: My Bottom, Sober Hangover

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DAY 74 Sober: My Bottom

Hello friends, today is day 74 sober. No cravings since May 24 2014. That’s when I became aware of the Mental and body disorder called Alcoholism. The awareness came so Quickly, from one second to the next. It just clicked that I was an addict, for the longest time my mind or the voice of the Addiction would talk me out of me Accepting it but in that moment Not only did I believe I was an addict with every cell of my body, I also wanted to stop with every cell. I connected all the dots back to Alcohol, the state of mind I was in, the broken heart, the lack of people around me, all the love was gone, my car, anything and everything bad that had happen up to that point was caused by substances, Weed, Alcohol and cocaine.

My bottom was lying in bed by myself, healing from a car wreck, losing the love of my life, seeing loved ones living life while I was in misery. . For the first time ever going to court with a restraining order, I was so far form my true self. I had no passion for anything, no goals, no hope, wanting my life to end but I was to chicken to do it myself or maybe there was a small bit of hope that kept me going. I was becoming an all day drinker and even when I wasn’t drinking I was not my true self. I would get anxiety when I didn’t have a drink after a certain time. Everything good was disappearing little by little, I was getting very depressed. I did not want to do anything without being drunk. I had a fatty liver and my body started to feel horrible. I lost most of my friends.

I used to think my thoughts are who I am, but it’s not, I am the thing that creates the thoughts. I realized I choose’d misery. I always hid my booze from people, anywhere and everywhere, in hallways of buildings like a squirrel. When I left my ex I got my own place and I still hid my booze from myself. I must have been ashamed of myself. I feel like the mind disorder new my mind was shifting and wanted to plant stashes so maybe I can slip up but once I became aware of the mind disorder than that allowed me to have a spiritual awakening. That voice in my head lost power and so did the body craving. The mental part of the disorder goes deeper. The voice will always be with me but I believe it will become so quite I might not even hear it anymore but I have to keep doing my work and be in the moment or else that voice will come back and it might even resurface in other areas, like self doubt, anger, jealously, short temper, fear, no patience, stubborn. I have to change all my defects but I have to first figure out what caused it in the first place, the root of the Addiction.

In AA I hear people say some are sicker than others and I am starting to see it and I don’t want that for me. I want to live with an open heart and mind. To let go of ego and judgment, to see people only in the good light, to create from within, always be grateful, forgive everything, and to always be honest with others and myself. Honesty for me is something I was never taught as a child. I was told to lie to everyone about my home life. The minute I start being dishonest that disorder gets it power back. I know if I pick up again I will die. I wont let that happen and I will always be working not towards perfection but to be whole in the moment. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for this sweet air the universe provides me, I grateful for learning how to be honest, I am grateful for healthy Discipline, and for the courage that has always been inside me hidden under addiction.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

Mariah Carey Hero is so great. there is a hero in me and in you.

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July 19, 2014

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DAY 57 Sober: What My Hometown Brings Me, Sober Hangover

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DAY 57 Sober: What My Hometown Brings Me

Today is day 57 sober and its a beautiful hot day in Palm springs, I am surrounded by love and family. Its a perfect day. My Aunts and stepmother are in the kitchen cooking away, laughing, crying and telling stories. I am teary eyed with gratefulness enjoying every moment of this. My mind is clear enough to be in this moment in pure joy. I feel this feeling inside me, bliss. Today is my Grandmas 60th surprise BDAY party. There will be around 80 people here and it booze free, which is amazing. I love the desert smell, my warm skin caressed by the sun rays, the sound of family laughter, the essence of home cook meals, the hugs, My brothers voices, the family pets are just some of the things I miss when I am back in LA. The more I am sober the more I am appreciating those wonderful blessings. Life for me is so much better clean and sober. I have to say my family is pretty awesome. I did find myself wishing I had a love to share this moment with me, seeing him in the kitchen building a bond with my family. My stepmother and aunts are very open and love to joke. I know one day ill have that.

Last night some child hood friends and I went to a couple of gay clubs, the first was a club called toucans it was ok, music was not my taste and I wanted to dance so we left. We ended up at hunters and that satisfied my dancing need. No cravings at all, both of my friends were drinking one was over drinking and I found myself seeing my old ways in her. The more I am around people who drink the more it makes me not want to ever. Not that I am judging but I will never want to feel so detached from reality and my soul. I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell when it comes to one aspect of my life, and I am a guy, so I was hoping in finding a make out body. Not really sex or a relationship, just someone to talk to and connect, dance, make out, hold hands; very light stuff. Someone to appreciate and be appreciated but what I realized is everybody was drunk or buzz and was looking for sex. The booze is out of my life and sex wont happen until I find someone who wants to be exclusive my body is such a beautiful gift for my partner to have, I cant give it away to some cheap motel drunk, that I don’t really know with that said I wouldn’t mind making out with one. I am 28 and need to work on myself a bit more before I can try and build a healthy relationship. No one newly sober should add more to their plate and make an open space for hurt when healing. I still wonder if I will end up with someone sober or who drinks. I know I don’t want my issues to become theirs and I cant help who I fall for. I also don’t want a drunk. I used to be one I know how diffcult I used to be. I am open for love; I can’t turn away a good guy. I am attracted to men now in a different way, kindness for me is the biggest turn on, a smile, a person who looks me in the eye, who is an open book, some one who has passion, loves conversation, loves to learn and grow, loves to eat and watch film, who is confident, someone who enjoys a great cry, someone self aware, all those things are sexy.

So I thought I would not have any contact with my birth parents while I am out here but it turns out my father will be arriving shortly to BBQ the food, he still has a relationship with my younger brothers and is friends with my stepmother. I have issues I am currently dealing with but I can push that aside for my grandmas BDAY. From what I hear he is in a better place, so I am proud of him. I talk to my birth mom and she is trying also to be better. She is currently homeless bouncing around from roof to roof. I love her very much and even though she done some really bad stuff to me, I have a deep love for her. I used to send her money and help her as much as I could but I had to stop. I don’t think she is using but who knows. I do weep for her at times, I just wish she would she her greatness, she does have a wonderful soul. I wish she can just get it together, for her but also for my selfish reason, I would love to get to know her. When I was going through my break up with Vince I would call her and she would just talk about herself and never asked me how I was, or after court, she even cussed me out when I decided to start this blog. I needed her when I was a kid and she wasn’t there, I needed her at the worst time of my adult life and she wasn’t there. I learn that I can’t look to her for something she never gave me and probably never will but the want is still strong. I would like that best friend bond but she live in denial and won’t admitted the role she played in my childhood, maybe it’s to painful or maybe she doesn’t know how. I don’t want her to admitted or accept it for me but for her so she can grow. My love for my mom and father will never go away. The difference between my mom and dad is my mom try’s to have a relationship and my father doesn’t. Not sure why they are that way they are, or if they also have parent issues that they never healed. I wish I had the power to glue their broken pieces but all I can do is glue mine.

Someone mention that I should attend an AA meeting, so I might but no triggers and no cravings, also there is a lot of love in these walls who have had addiction that are sober and not dry. Most of my family is in recovery; it’s like an AA convention when the family gets together. That fact that I was in the old gay club with no cravings and dealing with my birth parents with no cravings shows me that I am growing and evolving. I cant go back once I have had a shift in consciousness and I cant become unaware once I am aware, I cant unlearn 1+1=2 now it come down to choice. Sober is the New Black.

I am grateful for everybody who followed me back home, going to head back to the party.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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July 15, 2014

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DAY 53 SOBER: Wine Stain Pain, Sober Hangover

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DAY 53 SOBER: Wine Stain Pain

Hello friends, today is coming to an end of day 53 sober. It’s been an amazing day, I appreciate all the support I have been getting form Sober is the New Black. Recovery has been such a beautiful gift for my mind, body and soul. My eyes are focus straight ahead, no looking back, forward I go. I can’t waste energy turning my head back; it takes away from the energy moving forward. I feel like my body is still detoxing a bit. My skin is a bit Itchy and having some mild headaches but those will soon past. Creating a new normal is exciting but can also be a bit confusing at times, so used to some old habits and ways. Simple stuff I miss like cooking but Cooking for one seems wasteful also now I have to clean my whole apt but I just want to do stuff that’s fun, and cleaning isn’t on my list of things I enjoy doing but its something I need to be better at. It takes a week to get the courage to clean my apt to only destroy it the next day.

Today on my way to work their was this homeless man laying at the stoplight I was at. Its hard for me to pass by someone homeless and not give something whether in be food, a couple dollars or just a smile. I gave him a buck, only had cards but he smelled of booze, so much so I could taste it. It really shook me because that could have been me and Alcoholism is a progressive disorder if you don’t stop. I don’t know the mans story, if he became one after the streets or before but what is clear to me is he had a mother, brother, maybe a father, or maybe even a Vince but Alcoholism will take it all away. Alcohol kills everything alive in your life and Preserves everything that is dead and yet it took 8 years to really understand what that means but I am grateful I made it alive to understand. Its nothing to take lightly and takes constant work, its not like a college were you get a degree in four years than move on, nope its more like life long school on oneself and the subjects are the 12 steps, your issues, past, metal thoughts, how to cope with emotions, AA, learning how to be of service. It’s a life long education on you and you have to really want it, really understand the work that is put into it.

I am an Addict so I know how to do misery, victim, easy way out, hurting people and myself, lazy, very stagnant in my past very well but happy thoughts, surrendering, working on getting to know my high power as I understand it, learning how to coupe with hardships without using, being of service, forgiveness, Acceptance all take work some easier than others but all equally important. I will have to do them over and over for the rest of my life and that’s ok because life sober well be so amazing, it will smell so sweet, everything will be brighter, dreams will come true, love, joy, finding oneself, connecting with ones soul and others, being in the moment, courage to overcome, gratefulness, compassion and empathy, hugs and kisses, clear minded, falling in love with one self and blossoming talent. THOSE BUZZES, THOSE HIGHES, THOSE FIXES all sound more appealing than THAT WHISKEY POSION, THAN THE WINE STAIN PAIN AND THAT BEER BELLY OF EMPTINESS!

I am so grateful for my writings, for the fingers typing and the Alcohol free blood that runs through my veins. Here is some nice tunes Ingrid Michaelson Everybody.