Hello friends, today is day 33 sober! I am feeling grateful and A bit tired. I have to be up at 340am and I am a night person. Hopefully, soon ill be a morning person. So my goal for this week is to make a list of traumas that occurred in my childhood and adulthood. I am going to try and connect the dots from my traumas to my thought patterns and feelings. I do believe my childhood molded me into an Alcoholic; my parents are also addicts in recovery. My grandfather passed form Alcoholism and some of my brothers are currently struggling with substance abuse issues. So I do not know if its genetics, learn patterns from are elders and ancestors, or traumas, maybe all three?
I am also going to make a list of things I’ve done to others and to myself that caused pain and suffering, I also need to let those out. This will be a process and will tale sometime but I am excited to start doing the work. I am also terrified because I blocked out a lot of my childhood so what I need to do is meditate and ask my mind, heart and soul to help me see and connections like a form of Shamanism, one of the oldest spiritual practices. For the past couple of years I’ve been reading about Shamanism, I know there are different forms of it. Some use a shaman and some use hallucinogens (I defiantly wont be). I’ve never done it before but it seems to connect with me. If it doesn’t work then I will find another, I wont be discourage. Shamanism is a practice that involves a practitioner reaching Altered States of consciousness in order to encounter and interact with the spirit world and channel these transcendental energies into this world, Sounds a bit much but in human words to Meditate and ask my spirit guides to help me connect and find the dots so I can cleanse. Shamanism beliefs are when someone has a Traumas in their life it creates a whole in their soul and we feel it up with whatever makes us feel great, booze, sex, coffee, working out etc. The objective is to become whole not perfect. So once you become aware through meditation, you cleanse the holes in your soul than you are left with just open holes you have to heal by grief, acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, letting go and eventually you become whole for the moment because traumas will happen again so you start again.
First I need to make that list so after a good nap Ill get to work starting with my childhood it wont be easy but its necessary for my recovery and for me to stay Sober, Alcoholism is a catalyst for finding the real Adolfo
Hello friends, today is 32 day sober. I love me some Sia I wanted to share this song. I Dedicate this song to that beast of addiction! This song connects with me on a profound level. I feel like she is singing this to her Addiction!
Hello friends today is my 32 days sober and I am very grateful! The Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind) has been very persistent when it comes to my feelings one minute I am happy and the next I am sad. The Alcohol-ISM is feeding my mind of thoughts that consist of the past. I need to realize that the person in the past was never I, It was a false Identity created by my past and the booze! It doesn’t make the pain I caused people any less or me not taking responsibility for what I’ve done but the person that I was 32 days age was not me one bit.
I am still evolving and learning at the moment. I used to worry that other people might judge or still view me as that person but that was a false Identity, false character. That was never really I. Those actions would have never happen if I were sober. So knowing that helps me let go of the guilt and shame that is necessary to grow into the person that has always been inside of you and me. It takes work to not let the Alcohol-ISM Take over your thoughts and mind but once you become aware that the voice in your head is not you, not only that but that the voice wants to destroy everything great in your life than it becomes easier to detect and when its easier to detect then you shut it down. So the real you can blossom into your true identity.
So what causes a false Identity? I believe that their two aspects of false Identity. First the childhood than its how we process traumas in is life. What happens in the outside world affects us on the inside. It creates are opinions, are beliefs, are judgments, how we treat are self’s and others. How we value stuff over other stuff. What we look for in people. Why we get angry, why we get sad and jealous. What makes us feel good? What creates pleasure?
So for me to evolve and grow I have to go back and connect the dots from my childhood and trauma too my thoughts. I have to make a list of the childhood trauma, adult trauma, what I’ve down wrong, and my thoughts that create feelings that hurt. write them down and once I connect the dots put them on a self because it might resurface if I didn’t heal correctly. I know I cant heal it all in one day so the ones I cant connect at the moment I leave them on the list because one day Ill see that path and pattern. I am grateful for 32 days sober and for everybody taking time to read my blog.
Hello Friends today is 31 days sober and I am so grateful for all the love I am getting from all over the world. 31 days ago I started Sober is the New Black and I did not expect this level of support and love. I wake up excited for life and its hard me to fall asleep because life has been so amazing. I do have my moments of weakness were the Alcoholism comes out and tells me a sad story, the story is not one from childhood but its one from my last relationship. Its feeds me fear and thoughts of him with some else. My Alcohol-ISM puts thoughts in my head like what if I do this. In consumes my thoughts for a while causing me pain that is felt so deep it physical.
So what I am realizing is I need to go back and self dissect my childhood starting with the beginning and connect the dots to my thoughts today. It will be hard but I need to free myself from the story of my profound misfortunate childhood. Breaks up are hard but also getting clean from addiction at the same time is kind of unbearable at times but what has helped me so much has been this blog, the support, being grateful, positive thoughts, and knowing the only love I need in life is the love for myself than love from others will follow.
Yesterday was so amazing at the same time it was very hard because I wanted to celebrate with aparticular person but I couldn’t. Not sure why I wanted to spend it with him, Maybe I just wanted a hug or to feel someone else, it’s been awhile. I am told old for a fling and I am attractive to connection over anything else but I think the reason for me wanting to spend yesterday with this one person is of course I miss him and still love him but I want him to get to know me and my heart now that I am in a amazing place. And maybe get someredemption. Kind of ironic I had so much love and support but still felt extreme loneliness. Yesterday I realized I still need to heal from the break up and from certain childhood trauma’s that make me feel such loneliness. So the next 30 days I will be going deep into the childhood trauma to reflect, connect the dots and heal!
Hello Friends today has been such an amazing 30 DAY sober! I have so much love and support around me! I am so grateful! Sober is the new black for me. Today I filled my day with Film and writing both things I love so much. I also bought myself a gift to keep my eyes on the prize of sobriety. I bought a Best Actor Oscar because I believe in my heart one day ill have one. I am going to put it on my shelf so every time I leave my house I see my long term goal. For my 3o days I get an oscar!!!!
Hello friends today I’ve been one month Sober, 30days, 720hrs, 43,200mins and 2,592,ooo seconds and I am so proud of myself this past month has thought me so much about myself. I feel like I have evolved so much. I really have no plans on how to spend the day; I slept in quite a bit. I might go watch a film. I kind of want to celebrate each 30 days, maybe with small treats and sometimes-big parties! Today I woke up a bit sad, I was dreaming of my old life, they weren’t of me drinking but of great times, maybe that’s why I stayed asleep for so long. I’ve been getting my apartment organize and its almost finish, in the process I have to unpack all old memories pictures, birthday cards, tree ornaments, journals, and gifts.
This was my first real relationship so I am not sure what to throw out. I don’t want to throw out my journals but most them have writings about Vince, maybe ill just hide them until I am 100 percent. I only allow myself a few moments of sadness because it takes away from the possibilities from this moment right now! I need to focus on my new normal; its still ok and healthy to still grief the old life you have to move on but do not let it take away the whole day. Today is my 30 days and that’s a huge deal, the 30 days this time around means more because I did it from the bottom. I never had been so low.
So I love me some Stan Lee so X men: Days of Future past it is. I’ve wanted to see this film for the longest time now and today is a perfect day to treat myself and maybe a steak too. Alcohol-ISM never goes away so I have to really be on my game especially when I’m having not a 100 percent day because that’s when the Alcohol-ISM really comes out and really wants you to use. Life will give you moments that you don’t understand, do not agree with and will cause some pain and for me I need a game plan on how to handle those days in a healthy way because I am an addict and will always be.
Today I feel gratefulness, joy, a bit sad, centered, self aware, and lonely. Thank you everyone who has been following my journey into sobriety its been scary at times and a form of my own therapy. To the next 30 days. Hope everybody enjoys there Sunday!
Hello friends, today is day 29 sober and so far it has been an amazing unproductive day. I’ve been relaxing all day, feels good not having plans. I would like to have no plans more often. I am a day away from a month and as each day passes my want for booze is fading and my want for an amazing new life gets stronger. No cravings today except for some fast food but I told my self no, I wanted a whole shift in my mind, body and soul. I need to put healthy stuff in my body so my mind works at 100 percent and I need to make sure to get enough sleep. Your body knows when it needs sleep, so take a nap and recharge! I am in love with midday naps. I will take it over sex any day! Not only is my mind becoming self aware and I am starting to see patterns that were created from my childhood but my body is also changing. I feel great and clothes are fitting me a lot better.
Alcoholism centers in my mind and body not it the booze itself so once you become aware on the ISM(Inside Self &Mind) that voice that talks to you to convince you to drink than you can stop it! In time it gets easier. It’s like your mind is a muscle the more you work it the stronger it is. No voice, place, person, situation can take away my sobriety this time around. You have to become self aware, detox from the booze allow the body (ISM) to appear with the withdrawals and cravings. Once you stop drinking than you are left with untreated alcoholism because you are not treating it with its meds (booze) so that’s when its get hard and your mind goes a bit crazy, Temper, annoyed, hurt, sad, anger, lying to get the booze, denial just drinking wine or beer. Ill stop the hard liquor. Or ill just drink at night. Maybe just on Mondays. It will try and convince you because this mental disorder/parasite of a kind needs to thrive and stay alive. Also the metal disorder will come out in physical pain to try and get you to drink, night sweats, body aches, body itch’s, seizures, this is the body (ISM). So how do you go from untreated Alcohol-ISM to treating it without booze? For me treating my disorder is a daily thing because it never goes away that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy because you can it just takes work and time. So I treat my Alcohol-ISM by becoming self-aware of my issues and try and heal old wounds, positive thinking, surrendering to a higher power, loving people and learning how to love myself, meditation, start new healthy hobbies, find a form of AA that works for ME, Change everything about my life if you walked on the right-side of the street start walking on the left side, you’ll start to see the street from a different angle thus see the world from a different level. Make new normal that consist of laughter, joy, gratefulness, and acceptance.
What’s the most incredible thing is it can end today and your life can change in a second a whole new normal and amazing normal. Once you accept that Alcoholism is a living ISM that centers in your mind and body than you can become aware of it so then you can start treating it! Also you stop admitting and start accepting the truth that your are an Addict but truly understand what role it has played in your life and connect it to your heart and realize that your life today is the direct result of your choices, no one else! Just you! Not the past, not the abuser, not your parents, not that story you’ve told your mind over and over and even told others.
It’s a hard thing to grasp because we are so used to the past creating how we see the world and others. It’s a proven fact that if you start thinking differently than your cells and DNA starts to change, so you are no longer that story, your old self. You are now who you choose to be at the moment. You are your current thoughts. I am proof! I am in tears when I write this because for the past 29 days I wake up happy, excited for life, passion for long term goals. I see people differently and I have had some stressful moments but with my clear mind I let it go I surrender it to the universe. I DONT EVER NAME MY HIGHER POWER ON HERE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE IT HAS TO BE THE SAME AS MINE TO GET SOBER, NO IT DOESN’T, WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU CONSIDER IT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD, UNIVERSE, MOON, SUN, A DOOR, A BUDDAH, A BLOW DYRER. There are plenty of roads to Rome you just have to find a road that is connecting to your heart and that works with your life.
I found my new normal and I love it. Cut everything out of your life that is unhealthy including love ones if you have to. You sobriety is number one because with out it nothing really matters and without sobriety you do not have anything inducing yourself.
Hello friends today is day 28 sober and I am still on a Sober high from last night. Clint Eastwood was a few feet away from me talking about his latest film Jersey Boy. Jersey is the story of Italian singerFrankie Valli life from rags to riches kind of film. It’s a sort of a musical. One of my favorite film was “Bridges Over Madison County” my Stepmother introduce it to me when I was younger. Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood are perfection. Such a classic, Meryl has an affair with a photographer, I have a thing for photographers. Everybody should watch this film. I wont give anymore away. I have always loved dramas and love stories at a young age. I am hopeless romantic, falling headfirst and taking risk. The Next love I have I defiantly will be using my mind and heart! Clint Eastwood started acting in film in his early 30′ s in the 60s. It’s never to late to follow your dream.
I grew up in a chaotic childhood and film was my outlet, my hour and a half peace from reality. It took me away into a fairytale; it still does till this day. That’s why I prefer to watch film alone with just my mind and heart so I can fully connect and not have any distraction. I try and watch a film a day maybe more. I always force myself to finish even if I am not connecting to it because I know how much work goes into it and I know its someone child and I have yet to create one so I have so much respect, I do however pass out from time to time if it gets a bit boring. Film inspires me in every aspect of my life even when I am not watching it. I carry film with me wherever I go. I do love all kinds of genres but I tend to lean more to dark, heartbreaking, foreign, independent film. The kind of films that is sometime hard to watch, maybe because I can relate to the pain.
Alcoholism took away my passion for film. It went form having a couple glasses of wine and a French film on a daily basis to a half of box a wine with no memory of the film. At a young age I always wanted to be in film into my high school years than life happen, other people doubting my talent, my mind and Addiction. The amazing thing is that passion and dreams never goes away it just gets buried so when you become sober that dream shoots out like a shooting star because it has been buried and deprive for so long. That shooting star can never be buried once it’s out. I feel like my dream for film kept hope going for me when I was younger. So I hope one day my films can give a child hope to continue. My dreams got me through my childhood and I am certain it will keep me on the right path into my new Sobriety. Sober is the New Black
Sidenote: I will be uploading a video I shot of MR Eastwood himself later on
Hello friends today is day 27 sober and I am feeling so grateful that I have made it this far. The film festival has been really amazing. I am very thankful for the chance to be attending this year. Hopefully one day ill be showing my film! Yesterday I saw Club Sandwich and Man from Reno. Man from Reno was good, It started off great but lasted a bit long. Today is the last day and ill be watching a film called 1000 times good night staring Juliette Binoche. The last film of the night is Jersey boy from Clint Eastwood it might be sold out but I’ll find out once I get there. Going to the LA film festival has inspired me to create some short films. This upcoming weekend ill be looking into purchasing a Cannon 5D with video or maybe a 7D. I need to not only believe in my dream I need to put work into it. I am saving tons of money not drinking so now ill invest my old addiction money into my future dreams.
The past 27 days my life has changed dramatically from my thoughts to my surroundings, to the way I see people to the way I see myself. I am so in love with life. Moments out the day I get chills knowing I am alive, on the right path of sobriety and becoming self aware of my issues. Addicts who are newly Sober talk about a pink cloud, It’s a time were everything seems very easy and a kind of high. Alcohol and drugs is like an Anesthesia from life so once you get sober your feelings are intense and life feels amazing. Other Addicts talk about the pink cloud eventually fading away and then you will become sad. I’m determine to always be living in a pink cloud and the only way for me to is to watch my thoughts and to enjoy every moment in life.
A pink cloud is a beautiful thing, create your own reality and live in bliss. I am no longer going to have a negative outlook on every situation that happens in life because I cant control what the world does. I just have to see the silver lining in everything that comes my way because everything that happens to me is to evolve me and I have to watch for the signs that are around me at all times. I will call it my pink lining.
Day 26 Sober, Last night was an amazing experience, I was able to attended LA Film Festival. I saw a film called uncertain terms; it was witty, emotionally charged film. Its about a pregnant girl name Robbie moves to a group home of young pregnant girls, Robbie starts having a relationship with the maintenance man while still with her immature baby daddy. There is a birthday scene where it’s a bunch of underage pregnant girls dancing to Khia “My Neck, my back”. Probably this best film for me so far this year…I have a few days left, so ill have to decide at the end.
Yesterday I was able to sit with Vince for about 30 minutes before his event, we had a conversation that needed to happen, so I can start taking the necessary steps to a healthy me. My love for him is really great but I need to hear in Vincent voice that there is no future between us, he mentioned it before but I wasn’t ready to hear it, I was last night. When you caused the break up there is always a feeling of trying to fix what you have done wrong, trying to make up for the wounded. I do have some pain that lingers but it will last for a while mixed with missing him, I sometimes get confused between still in love or missing him. Maybe it is both, it feels like a death, you are fine one moment then with in seconds you are in tears. I believe Vincent was my soul mate the minute I met him I dropped everything so I can be around him all the time. He brought me closer to myself at the sacrifice of his heart. What I’ve learn in the process is that we all have more than one soul mate in are lifetime because we are constant evolving humans that change so Vince was my soul mate that I needed at this time in my life because the universe gave me what I needed to evolve so now that I am evolving and becoming a new person it opens me up to a new soul mate. I do sometimes wonder, what if I had met Vince today with such clarity in mind and heart. In my head in vision growing old with him, the whole sitting in rockers on the porch, me putting up with his grouchiness, as he gets older and bald. Taking care of him as he ages unless I age horrible first. It’s a dream that I have to let go and that is the hardest part because my actions caused this dream to no longer be a possibility but without getting it taken away I wouldn’t be here sober. As I get older I realize some greatness in ones life can cause such deep pain, you have to endure. The pain is so deep it becomes a physical disability but I have to let go. Let go. Vince and I both suffered great losses. We both are equally amazing and we both created lessons to be learned. I don’t believe in mistakes. I was an amazing boyfriend that happens to have an addiction but when I was sober for brief times I was a pretty great, I am sure Vince will agree. As I am writing my heart isn’t broken but bruised. Time, positive thinking and being sober has helped heal me a bit. I still have a long ways to go.
Yesterday seeing Vince brought out that schoolgirl in me. I was a so nervous, butterflies in my stomach, when I saw him some air left my lungs, I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to just look into those brown eyes and be in the moment because I knew in my heart at that moment it would be the last time I see him with this intense love. So I wanted to enjoy that moment. The break up was not just between Vince and myself the break up was between families, friends, the future plans, Magnolia. We broke up in November and didn’t tell family until weeks later and when we did tears flow through their eyes.
I cant help get sappy its like an end of an amazing chapter or era of my life, A graduation into a new Adolfo. This is a goodbye letter to my relationship. You see I always in vision Vince and I walking down the aisle because we both couldn’t decide who was the girl, in a forest. I also in vision Anne, Maju, Summer, Rachel, Luisa standing next to Vince while I have one person maybe on my side. I need to let this out into the universe because this is no longer the reality. I have to accept, grief and let go of this dream because the universe has a bigger dream for me that I cant see or even see the path at moment but I know the path exists.
This wonderful soul brought so much love and growth into my life. I want him to know his love saved me from a bleak future that was not going to end well. Vince was the single most influential person because of him I will stay Sober and with being sober now I can live. I also want him to know that my love for him was pure just clouded a bit. I lied but I also loved so hard, laughed, accepted him for everything, loved every part of his body. I was pretty much perfect except for the drinking and lying… never cheated or hit. Never really looked at anyone else in sexual way. You were the one for me kid. Glad I was for you too for that moment.
I will be more than fine; I will be sober not just from alcohol but also from the past, hurt, and guilt, ashamed, from loss. Hopefully once he heals from the betrayal I caused (that’s even if he wants to heal) or learn to trust me again. I can look at you and you look at me with no pain and hurt and we both can sit and you get to fully experience the Adolfo you seen in me the whole time…. I am going to also release this song out to the universe it was supposed to be are first dance/wedding song.
Sober Is The New Black 