DAY 284 Sober: Why Would I choose to be an Addict?

Hello Friends,  Today is day 284 sober. I was visiting family in Bakersfield CA this past weekend. Every time I’m in Bakersfield, it’s like a great therapy session. Talking for hours with my aunts and stepmother. It’s great hearing them share their wisdom in life. Sometimes I think I am doing great and then his name spoken or an incident brought up from the past and my mind starts to go and go and go and go. I was a bit in a funk the first night there that lead into the next day. I have some hurt feelings still from my past relationship that I need to heal. I am aware there is no reason for these hurt feelings, he did nothing to hurt me. He came back into my life after I got sober and we tired to see where we both fit in each other life.  My feelings came back strong and It was his choice to not work things out. I worked so hard those months without him in my life,  becoming strong,  letting go only to become vulnerable, opening my heart up once more only to get hurt again. It wasn’t his fault and he was also confused. It’s been months and months since this happened and yet I still find myself being woken up with vivid dreams, some good and some hurtful. Sometimes those dreams bleed into the day and I try and try to shake them off but the only way for me to feel better is to cry and write.

Afterwards I was back to day one at failed attempt at love. What was also hard was this time I was sober in recovery and had a chance to really be the man I knew I was but being sober could not render that hopeful dream. Sobriety can’t amend others perception of me it seems. Some family members think that addiction is a choice I made. Why would I choose to be an Addict? I guess their minds aren’t opened up enough to realize that the pain i caused was symptoms of the mind disorder called addiction. Yes its my choice not to drink but making choices when you are in the midst of a suffering addict, those choices are not my own they are the Addiction. People might see it as an excuse or a cop out but I take full responsibility for my actions. I cant explain or give reasons for a person that is no longer me.

People who know me personally know that I am a bit Naive, air head, foodie, loves to laugh, loves to love, loves to sleep past noon, dislike morning hikes, Always say ” If that makes sense” That’s who I am, When I would drink Alcohol I made scenes, very jealous, cry all the time, get offended, say the most hateful things, blackout, those are the symptoms.

The real me wakes up the next the day, feeling guilty, shame, hurt, hating myself.  I tell myself I will never drink but that mind voice or addiction starts talking to me telling me to use. I did not have the proper tools to quiet that voice. Addiction is like living with two self’s. Some of the family members can relate to my EX  because they have been in a relationship with someone who suffered with addiction. My family loves him and still wants him to be apart of our family, which is something I need to find peace with. I love his family as well but need him completely out of my life at the moment so I can heal from open wounds. It’s been over a year since we broke up but a few months after I got sober we reconnected. Not sure if the hurt feelings are from missing him in my life or him not wanting me in his life all the time but I need him out, ugh sounds confusing.

It’s my issue to figure out, I have to remind myself I wouldn’t be here today sober with a strong foundation if it wasn’t for that breakup. I want to love again and be in love but I have to clear my eyes from the past so I can see love with a clean slate and not with fear. Not sure if I could ever love like I did but I know I will love smarter and make better decisions.  I will never give up on loving someone and I hope one day I can love even greater. Sober is the New Black.

If there is anyone in love with some who is suffering from addiction knows you will lose yourself trying to save them. The addiction becomes so huge consuming the relationship. My ex was never able to really deal with his issues because mine were overpowering. One day at a time. Sober is the New Black. I am not my drunken stumbles or the shame of causing pain to others but I am the person getting up everyday fighting to be a better me, whole and happy.  Today I will sit and write and weep.

 

 

One thousands

 

New gold Frames

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

Thunder

 

Kate Nash Merry Happy is the perfect song for today.

 

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

Today is Day 265 sober; it’s been such a wonderful day. Tomorrow is valentine’s days. Last year I was in a sober facility in the valley trying to stay sober with a broken heart. I was confused, but I knew I wanted to be sober, but I relapsed a short time after because I did not know how to stop and I wasn’t at my bottom. When I look back I feel bad for my old self. I was trying to keep all together, just got out of 3-year relationship, Losing love was more difficult than staying sober. I had really nowhere to go, lost, scared and felt very defeated in life. I disliked myself in every way. Swimming in a river of guilt. Lonely to the extreme.

I now sit here in tears because I’ve come so far in my recovery; life is great in every aspect of my life. My rent is paid for the rest of the year. I am taking 5 months off of work to write, rewrite and live like a traveling nomad. Started investing in mutual funds for the future. Working on my book that will be finish in April 2015 I am still not the person I want to be but I will continue on in sobriety. I want to be more compassionate to others, less attach to material things, let go of needs, pray more, write more, live in the moment more, help others whether in service or poetry, surround myself with only positive and mindful people, take some creative writing class. So those are my short-term goals. I am also very inspired by dark and gritty might be from my past. I love using it in my writings. I do have some dark writings I’ve been working on; I don’t want to alarm people so I might just post them on Instagram and facebook. You can follow me at http://instagram.com/soberwriter

This valentine’s day I’ll be spending it with an incredible man who wants to take me on a date, excited and a bit nervous. Sober is the New Black. I hope you all have a wonderful Valentines day and know the most important love is for oneself.

These are some of the latest poems I cooked up

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Alcohol

 

Died

 

 

Me at day 264 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

Lykke Li is one incredible artist, writer and performer. Her music inspires me to feel, weep and heal. I hope you love this visually striking video

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

Hello Friends, Today is day 162 sober, I just want to start off by saying all the readers support and inspiring message, that fill my heart up with so much joy. I just hope I do the same for others who may be suffering in this battle. Part of getting sober is going inside and finding root causes of my addiction. The ones I hide inside deep, from the traumas I’ve been through. I have not really talked about this subject to anyone, none of my family knows about this. So I might have some backlash or maybe some support but the most important thing in my life is healing so I can stay sober.

 

 

I was Sexually abused at a very young age. It was a male babysitter who would watch me while my mother would go out and party, my mother is also an addict. For a  long time, I thought it was my doing or my curiosity that caused it. It happened more than once and I don’t remember much except that it felt good. I don’t know if I was seeking attention from the lack of it in my household or I might have seen people doing it in my household. Writing this down scares me a bit but I just need to connect the dots From being molested to addiction. I know being molested has everything to do with me seeking love in sex, or if someone is not attracted to me then that means there is something wrong with me.

 

 My writing helps me heal from the inside. Taking all the pain out and writing it down is the way I know how to heal, When I was a child I lived in my head away from reality because It was to painful. I would daydream a new life so I can survivor another day. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I need to take ownership of how my life is today and know that I am no longer that child being touch for love but a survivor that is blossoming into a softer person. I lived my life thinking everyone was out to hurt me and In a very defensive state but the reality is that not everyone is my parents or my molester. This was a hard write so now ill go weep my healing tears a bit. Sober is the New Black.

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Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

Ellie Goulding your song  I dedciate to my innner child that still feels the need to feel scared. It time to go now, I got this. Run free. 

 

DAY 129 Sober: Letting go of a dream

Hello Friends today is day 129 sober, Yesterday was a hard day for me but I did not crave booze but I did want to stop writing and felt bitter, sad, angry and wanted to stop everything in the works. Right now, I rather be laying in bed under the covers shutting out the world so I can scream and weep but I know I need to write because this blogs is showing the ups and down of sobriety and this is a down moment. This moment isn’t really an addiction moment it’s a human moment.

 

 Life will not always go according to my plan because the universe has its plan. I just have to keep staying sober and feel this pain in my heart until it heals. Its hard separating the stuff I’ve done from the person I am today because I lost a lot of trust in people. I am not my wrongs and I have to accept that I did lose stuff because of my addiction. I have to remember what Addiction has done to keep me working my program. I have always been a survivor since birth. I was born premature and got pneumonia a week into my life. I will still stand tall but still weep my healing tears. It’s necessary.

 

I just fought really hard for someone who I knew in my heart was the one, even hearts can be wrong sometime. I would have moved mountains, done everything and anything to have him next to me at age of 80, ill be writing with my coffee maybe he’ll be sipping a glass of wine. It might sound a bit crazy, but he knew, he was that last thing I wanted to see before I left out of this world, his face brought me peace and that would have helped me Exit but that wont be. I have to let go of that dream I held on for the past four years. Time to dream a new dream. We did not have alot in common when it came to what we enjoyed doing on are down time but I was open to trying morning hikes etc. The only thing I couldn’t do with him is drink but I can dance, or eat happy hour foods. Not sure if me not enjoying a drink with him was part of it and if it was than maybe I’ve been a fool in love this whole time.

 

I know it came down to me being a dishonest person the last year of the relationship. Maybe he wants someone less fucked up as me, someone without a disorder and that’s fine. We have one life. What I know now that I have a sober clear mind is. I will never give up on love and I will not end up like my mom, going crazy for men, chasing them down and not living her dream and using substance to cope with the pain. Yes my heart is in deep pain and right now I am in tears but I will stay sober, put on my big boy pants and heal this pain so I can live a fulfilling life, rewrite my dreams and life and Yes every time my phone beeps I look down hoping this is a dream but I know its not.

 I am glad it was his choice because I know in my heart I tried and so I have no what if’s

My life will go on and I will shine beyond the dope past. I will build a house somewhere on mountains and live a sober life. Working my program. Sober is the New Black. Grateful for the strength to push through this write.

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

 

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NEW DO

 

DAY 118 Sober: Feeling Blue and “Red Shoes” Poem

Hello Friends today is day 118 sober, I had a wonderful week. I’ve been dog sitting in Venice. It’s been a really great experience; I really do miss my home and my local coffee shops. In this area since we are close to the beach, a lot of places don’t have AC including the coffee shops and writing in a coffee shop without any AC is not the best also space is limited out here so finding a coffee shop with a lot of room is a hard. I don’t have cable in my home because I don’t want to be distract from the TV but staying here really made me want to give in and get cable. I do love TV and film.

 

Work has been busy, trying to find a balance with work and writing but it will take sometime. I have not craved any booze at all; I’ve been around it, seen it but did not want it. My program is working. I Never really thought about my future when I was a drunk just living in short term goals but I know I need to start thinking about the future so I found a Finical advisor to help my invest in my future, its such a great feeling knowing I’m being a responsible adult.

 

The past few days I have felt a bit blue but I know it will pass, there is an event going on that I was supposed to attend but my addiction has cost me this loss, drinking booze equals loss for me. My Addiction has robbed me from a lot of great things. All I can do now is accept the circumstances and not make those mistakes again. Its ok to feel a bit sad because I am human also that person that made those mistakes is not the person I am today and that gives me a peace of mind. I am sometimes, find myself counting all the moments I have loss or opportunity I have screwed up because of my addiction. I know I have to let it go and I am learning how but I will never forget the things my addiction has done and that will help keep me sober. I cannot keep wishing the past could have been any different than it is. With that said, I will weep some healing tears and write my blues away. Sober is the New Black.

 

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DAY 62 Sober: Profoundly Misfortunate Childhood

This long read is Dark that might affect a lot of my family but its part of  the  process of healing. The point of it isn’t to hurt but to heal and write down with the eyes of that young child. Not the view of my brothers or trying to rationalize my parent’s behavior. I need to heal the hurting young kid that still weeps. Growing up I never talk to anyone about my childhood and teen years, my good friend Nikka and Marquita who I knew since kindergarten never met my mother nor my father. I put on a fake smile and denied everything. Living in a fantasy of false and pretend fairytale that was really a dark hole that consists of blood baths, fear, homelessness, molestation, drugs and selling my body. My goal is to go back and save that young kid with a beautiful smile and those big rounded brown eyes. This is my childhood from k-5, the memories are a bit jumbled and hard to remember the exact timeline but the events are real and the pain is real. I love my parents but this words needs to be let out. It will be a two part child hood and teen years.

 

I was born on a rainy day on 11:11:85 in Palm Springs California, I was the first born on my father’s side and at the time my mother already had a child from a previous marriage. Growing up I always lived in fear. My parent’s energy was so hostile and vulgar. Since I could remember I was walking on eggs shells that had needles. If I even looked the wrong way I would get beaten to the pole. My parents were on drugs most of my life. Around 3years old I remember living with my two brothers and my birth parents. They would get into these fights that would scare me to the core so bad that even when we were having a good time I was so scared of them fighting. I am extremely sensitive. I remember staying up most nights, with my ear to the their bedroom door listening. Waiting for the fight. When I heard peace I felt comfort so I would head to bed for few hours than my anxiety would kick in and so my ear was back at the door. I remember one day my parents were on the couch watching TV and I kept running from my bed to the end of the hallway so I can see if they were fighting. Eventually they notice and instead of comforting me a 3 year old they screamed and threaten to beat me. So I would run and hide. I don’t understand how parents can be that way to their own child. They are the cause of the uneasy feelings. I would always be afraid when my father would come home from work. At my age I couldn’t process fear so I acted out with anxiety and when I did they would beat me for it. I remember my father was trying to sleep and I had a cough, he didn’t want to hear me so he threw me out in rain in the middle of the night and locked the door of course I was screaming my head off. This pain I carry is deep its in every cell of my body and bone marrow. I don’t remember much from the time when my parents were together, just a blur. If I were to sum up that time it would consist of fights, extreme Fear, a lot of spanking, yelling, walking in on my parents having sex.

 

 Eventually my parent split. I had a babysitter that would come over; he lived across the street from the house. He was a family friend at the time and was a teenager I believe. When he would watch me he would show me his private part and have me touch him and do stuff to him. I am not sure if I seen my parents do it to each other and I wanted to act it out, somehow I knew mommy and daddy did those things, I had to be around 3 years old. I never told anyone this before and it feels good to speak out about it. We did not always have a babysitter. I remember Waking up and my mother would be gone so I would run around the house scared screaming and crying. Again fear! I kind of hate her right now as I am writing this because fear plays a huge role in my life now. When I look at the very few pictures I have of me as a child I just want to give myself a big hug, I really don’t remember hugs or kisses at all. I was such a cute kid that was very sensitive. The day after my father left a guy name Bert moved in and my mom said this is my new father and I have to call him dad. My mother must have been cheating on my father since the move in came quickly. My mom left my older brother father for my father quick too, not sure if I am even my father son. I don’t remember any family members really stepping in or even noticing. My older brother ran away to his father leaving my younger brother and I. From the outside my brother and I looked put together but the reality is it was noticeable that we were being abuse and I have forgiven my other family members for not stepping in, it took some time but I will never forget.

 

 My mother always depended on men for everything security, money, and happiness. My father was the same way with women. Bert my new father was a stoner who never worked, he would blow weed smoke in my brothers face and I all the time. He never kept a job, I think when my mother met him he was working for the city and got fired for buying booze with his work shirt on. After that he did odd jobs to get by and my mother never worked. Since no one kept a job we moved around a lot. When I started kindergarten my parents didn’t or couldn’t have my brother and I so they dropped us off with my great grandma. She was such a wonderful human that I am grateful for, Anita was her name and she made the best homemade tortilla with beans. She would get me ready in the morning. My mother eventually came back for us. My first grade memory that sticks to me was my mom calling me inside because she said, my grandma was on the phone, and she was lying. I ran inside, my mom was behind the door with a high heal behind her as I ran in from excitement she pounds my forehead with her heal blood everywhere my scream echoed. It still does till this day. My younger brother behind me getting that same heal across his head covered in my blood. Me and my brother got moved around all over, we moved to La Quinta and my mother did not want to enroll me in school so I walked myself to the local elementary school and gave them the packets the first day of school and again know one thought of calling social services.

 School was never important to my mother, my brother started kindergarten at 7 years old. The next year when I went to enroll again they said I never was a student. Eventually we were kick out of my aunts house. So from k-5 I was in 4 different schools been kick out of every home because my mother and Bert never paid their rent. We would lose everything in storages. I have nothing from my childhood except a few photos. I only had Trash bags of clothes. In 4 and 5th grade, we were really poor and went to bed hungry often. That’s when stealing really became a family habit. I was put in doggy doors so I can steal food for the family. We squatted in the home for a while didn’t pay rent and the owners couldn’t get us out.

 We never felt Secure. My mom was so abusive, neglect full and wouldn’t really feed us. So between moving all around there was pretty horrible blood baths even at one point living in what now seems like a crack house with a gun put to are heads. I wish I could have saved my brother. My mother had me lie to my teachers and birth father about my bruises and knots. So lying, fear, lack of security, hurt and anger was instilled in me at a very young age and became the foundation of me. I am so grateful I had my brother to lean on and to help pass time. My brother and I became animals stealing food from stores, sneaking food in the middle of the night to are room like rodents. When we had roofs over are head it never was a home. At times we did not have Electricity so are house will get dark really quick. Are fridge would be an igloo cooler and showers would be in the dark. At a young age I lived in my mind the whole time make believe was my best friend.

 There is so much more I can write down but these are the ones that stick out at the moment maybe ill save in for my bio. So now I go and weep for that hurting 3 year old who lives in fear from people hurting him, going to hold his hand and kiss his forehead while he weeps. Going to sit next to him and ease his anxiety with a sweet lullaby. I want to carry him from that past of profound misfortunate and into the moment of endless possibility. So he can see the beauty in life. Sober is the New Black

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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