Hello friends today is day 8o sober, its been a productive day. Just woke up from a nap and heard about Robin Williams. I felt a sadness come over me. Not sure yet what happen but I know he struggled with Addiction. Every time I hear about a person who has been sober for so long, passing away. It reminds me that this disorder never goes away and I need to be focus always and continue to work on myself. Just scary to know I have that in me. Today I feel a bit sad, but focus. I watch his films growing up and loved his laugh. His smile was adorable. This will be a short post, going to make a batch of coffee and continue to write and be inspired with life. Sober is the New Black. I am Grateful for being sober, for Robin Williams films and for life.
I wrote a poem today on the bus ride home. Its about my past mistakes and my current state.
Hello friends, today is day 79 sober. It’s been such wonderful day so far. Last night I was up till four in the morning finishing up my poems. Almost done than they will be off to an editor to look it over, I think they are perfect but its good to get an opinion. I feel like there might be more then twelve but we will see. I spent the day shopping away at a flea market and thrift stores. I love finding eclectic pieces. I found some cool glasses. I going to spend the rest of the day writing the final installment of my mini bio and try to finish up the series I’ve been working on. No cravings at all since, I got sober. I am about to hit 3 months and that’s around the time of my last relapse. I was in a sober living, I started boozing it up there than shortly after checking out.
My mind was so different back than and my life was chaotic. Getting sober at the time, going through a break up and not having a stable place live. At the time I didn’t realize it was all my doing. I am glad I can go back and reflect on some of the things, so I can do differently. I did at the time get some vital information that planted seeds in my mind. I use to think my Addiction was in the booze so I just stop drinking. I was unaware that Addiction is a disorder that centers in the mind and self. So that was the biggest Aha moment, But at the time I did not want to accept the fact that I wasn’t in control. My relapse hit hard and fast, I am so lucky to be alive. It consisted of court, keying a car and a MRI. Lesson learned and the wheels keep turning. One of the biggest gift I found in sobriety is forgiving others and forgiving myself. It took a lot of work but I can honestly say I sit here with no guilt from those things. It was a beautiful disaster; Because of that bottom I am here not only alive but also living! Living my life to fullest in the moment. I cant wait to see what life has in store for me next, whatever happens I will be grateful, appreciate it, put lots of love into it, have my thoughts, words, and actions match, as I am doing now, Keep evolving and growing, non stop writing, going deep in my self so I can continue to heal and hangout with my inner divine or higher power. I have so many dreams now, love is one but also to be a writer, make a film, act more, become a journalist. Make a home with my love and have some Golden Retrievers. Watch them all play in the front yard while I drink my coffee. I want to write constant love letters to my love. Get married and be inspired everyday from those lovely eyes staring back at me. Hell, maybe ill even write a book all about my love. I get inspired by everything now days, from zombies to shoes. I cant have any of that unless I stay sober. Life is pretty amazing, Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for these awesome glasses in the pic I found, for my readers and I am grateful for everything.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo
Ingrid Michaelson The Way I am is perfection. Hope you like
Today is day 57 sober and its a beautiful hot day in Palm springs, I am surrounded by love and family. Its a perfect day. My Aunts and stepmother are in the kitchen cooking away, laughing, crying and telling stories. I am teary eyed with gratefulness enjoying every moment of this. My mind is clear enough to be in this moment in pure joy. I feel this feeling inside me, bliss. Today is my Grandmas 60th surprise BDAY party. There will be around 80 people here and it booze free, which is amazing. I love the desert smell, my warm skin caressed by the sun rays, the sound of family laughter, the essence of home cook meals, the hugs, My brothers voices, the family pets are just some of the things I miss when I am back in LA. The more I am sober the more I am appreciating those wonderful blessings. Life for me is so much better clean and sober. I have to say my family is pretty awesome. I did find myself wishing I had a love to share this moment with me, seeing him in the kitchen building a bond with my family. My stepmother and aunts are very open and love to joke. I know one day ill have that.
Last night some child hood friends and I went to a couple of gay clubs, the first was a club called toucans it was ok, music was not my taste and I wanted to dance so we left. We ended up at hunters and that satisfied my dancing need. No cravings at all, both of my friends were drinking one was over drinking and I found myself seeing my old ways in her. The more I am around people who drink the more it makes me not want to ever. Not that I am judging but I will never want to feel so detached from reality and my soul. I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell when it comes to one aspect of my life, and I am a guy, so I was hoping in finding a make out body. Not really sex or a relationship, just someone to talk to and connect, dance, make out, hold hands; very light stuff. Someone to appreciate and be appreciated but what I realized is everybody was drunk or buzz and was looking for sex. The booze is out of my life and sex wont happen until I find someone who wants to be exclusive my body is such a beautiful gift for my partner to have, I cant give it away to some cheap motel drunk, that I don’t really know with that said I wouldn’t mind making out with one. I am 28 and need to work on myself a bit more before I can try and build a healthy relationship. No one newly sober should add more to their plate and make an open space for hurt when healing. I still wonder if I will end up with someone sober or who drinks. I know I don’t want my issues to become theirs and I cant help who I fall for. I also don’t want a drunk. I used to be one I know how diffcult I used to be. I am open for love; I can’t turn away a good guy. I am attracted to men now in a different way, kindness for me is the biggest turn on, a smile, a person who looks me in the eye, who is an open book, some one who has passion, loves conversation, loves to learn and grow, loves to eat and watch film, who is confident, someone who enjoys a great cry, someone self aware, all those things are sexy.
So I thought I would not have any contact with my birth parents while I am out here but it turns out my father will be arriving shortly to BBQ the food, he still has a relationship with my younger brothers and is friends with my stepmother. I have issues I am currently dealing with but I can push that aside for my grandmas BDAY. From what I hear he is in a better place, so I am proud of him. I talk to my birth mom and she is trying also to be better. She is currently homeless bouncing around from roof to roof. I love her very much and even though she done some really bad stuff to me, I have a deep love for her. I used to send her money and help her as much as I could but I had to stop. I don’t think she is using but who knows. I do weep for her at times, I just wish she would she her greatness, she does have a wonderful soul. I wish she can just get it together, for her but also for my selfish reason, I would love to get to know her. When I was going through my break up with Vince I would call her and she would just talk about herself and never asked me how I was, or after court, she even cussed me out when I decided to start this blog. I needed her when I was a kid and she wasn’t there, I needed her at the worst time of my adult life and she wasn’t there. I learn that I can’t look to her for something she never gave me and probably never will but the want is still strong. I would like that best friend bond but she live in denial and won’t admitted the role she played in my childhood, maybe it’s to painful or maybe she doesn’t know how. I don’t want her to admitted or accept it for me but for her so she can grow. My love for my mom and father will never go away. The difference between my mom and dad is my mom try’s to have a relationship and my father doesn’t. Not sure why they are that way they are, or if they also have parent issues that they never healed. I wish I had the power to glue their broken pieces but all I can do is glue mine.
Someone mention that I should attend an AA meeting, so I might but no triggers and no cravings, also there is a lot of love in these walls who have had addiction that are sober and not dry. Most of my family is in recovery; it’s like an AA convention when the family gets together. That fact that I was in the old gay club with no cravings and dealing with my birth parents with no cravings shows me that I am growing and evolving. I cant go back once I have had a shift in consciousness and I cant become unaware once I am aware, I cant unlearn 1+1=2 now it come down to choice. Sober is the New Black.
I am grateful for everybody who followed me back home, going to head back to the party.
Good morning friends, today is day 54 sober! It’s almost two months and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. The journey has been very clean, no cravings. I’ve been going deep trying to find issues that I have from childhood and connect the dots when it comes to my adult thinking. I’ve also been praying and surrendering, which has been amazing. When I surrender, even when it’s a non-Alcohol issue, the universe seems to work everything out. For example I recently moved into a new apartment and before the move I was a bit worried about taking on all the responsibility that comes with having your own place. I have never lived on my own and one of the worrisome was financial Responsibility, can I do it. So I prayed and surrender it to my higher power, as I understand it to be. A few hours later I called the rental office to see how much my move in cost will be and they informed me that my rent is half off for a year due to a maintenance issue. My eyes are not meant to see the universe path, just to believe and surrender, Let the universe play its role. Like Oprah says I can dream this big of a dream but the universe can dream, dreams bigger than you can imagine. Surrender, gratitude, and doing the right thing are the kind of space I always want to live in.
Doing the right thing isn’t always easy when you are caught up in your day or ego or issues, its that moment when you see a lost person asking for direction and you have a smart phone you can easily put in the address and direct them. The moment you realize their struggle the inner voice tells me maybe I should help her, that’s the inner divine speaking to me, the inner spirit, that has always been inside. Than my ego says nope I wont because I will miss stop or I am on Facebook. The “I” is the ego. Always thinking about it self and never grateful. Doing the right thing, not for profit or for ego will be so fulfilling within. Matching my words with my actions are really soul rewarding. I used to stay up watching YouTube videos seeing people give homeless people money. It felt good, it gave me tears of Joy and I heard my inner self say I would love to do that, Than the ego says “I” am not rich, theirs the “I” again. It’s not really the giving of the money that makes me cry it’s the compassion and empty without judgment that makes me cry. Empathy and compassion is the universal language we all understand and it connects are inner souls. It overlooks race, sex, religion, and politics, what country you are from, beliefs. I am grateful for life, a clear mind, and for Sober is the New Black
I’ve been obsessed with Maya Angelou for a while this video helps me understand what do the Right thing means. Hope you enjoy this video
Hello friends, today is Day 52 sober. I am back to the grind of the week. This week I need to focus on staying positive at work and getting enough sleep. Having to be up at 330am is hard even for a morning person but I have to man up and be a responsible adult. I have always been a hard worker. I started working at very young age, My first job was in middle school around 11years old, I would help set up tents at a local market on the weekends for like 20 bucks a day. The man I helped sold glasses. I also helped him sell. After that ended I became a paper boy outside grocery stores selling papers, that did not last long I was only making a few buck a day. I kind of had to work if I wanted to eat, I knew at a very young age anything I ever needed or wanted I had to get on my own.
Sometimes illegally, I remember being really hungry and walking into groceries store in middle school and grabbing a lunch able, cheese string and a Reese than heading to the restroom were I would sit in the stall and eat because I knew I would go to bed hungry and there was plenty of times i did go to bed hungry. When i was younger In elementary school I remember my Mom and her boyfriend putting me in people doggy doors because i was tiny and steal food from their kitchen also they would make me and my brothers walk in Walmart change my old shoes and walk out with new ones. My mothers boyfriend sam would beat me and yell at me if i did not steal from stores, it was stuff we needed. Its funny because I still have guilt for stealing at such a young age, as crazy as is it sounds. Middle school for me was the worst of my childhood because that’s when I realize I had to balance a crazy home life with middle school. There is this one incident that still brings tears to my eyes, I remember walking in my Apartment complex parking lot and seeing a car window rolled down and a purse sitting in the passenger seat. I grab it and ran inside a storage area that held the apartment dumpster. I took all the cash and threw the purse in the trash. When I open up the wallet I seen it had a food stamp card that people used to cash their checks. I was terrified but knew that money would help when I look back I knew that I stole from a poor person who had kids and need that money. When I went back home I gave it my mother her face showed relief and joy, I told her I found it. Later that day the lady son was walking around and asked me if I seen any guy walking around with a purse. I said know. I know at that age I had to survive and had to do stuff I am not proud of but I need to forgive my childhood self.
I would love to find that family and pay them back one day. I am still writing my childhood down on paper, its difficult but I am pushing trough. My childhood Is very layered, complex and profoundly misfortunate. It did teach my how to be a survivor and how endure life and pain. As I got older I used booze to help me drown my past so I wouldn’t have to deal but the past will always learn how to swim and float back up to the surface… I love Frida Kahlo and she once said “ I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned how to swim” I am grateful for the past lessons, for writing and for my survivor skills that helping me survivor this mental and body disorder that is called Alcoholism. I will rise and nothing going to stop me now. Sober is the New Black..I recently heard this song by B.O.B-John Doe feat JoJo. I am coming home to myself.
Hello friends, today is day 51 sober. I just woke up. Sitting in my PJ’S sipping a cup of coffee. Probably the worst I have ever had. Lenny loves to add tons of cream to a coffee. I am currently listening to Pearl Jam “Breath” its so amazing. Now that I am sober I wake up and everything is brighter from the light reflecting in, to the dust that is floating in the reflect light. I crave the morning smell that awakens me. When I walk outside the grass looks greener and I find myself looking into peoples eyes more and smiling at them. I either get a shocked look back or a nervous grin. Sometimes I get the same stare. I want to give everyone some sort of love in a form of a handshake, smile, affirmation, compliment, or even a thank you. People matter, I matter.
Last night Len and I went to this amazing karaoke bar in Ktown. I am such a girl when it comes to karaoke so we decided dancing needed to happen. We hit up a gay club that is a two story warehouse with three different dance floors, Latin, hip-hop, and pop trance. Before we got in there were 3 non profits trucks outside that are catered to the gay community. I love non-profits; I currently work for one myself. One was free HIV/AIDS testing, you get free entrance to the club so I thought that was cool. The second was a gay men’s sports league that encourage gay men to openly play sports. Helps them find and start leagues that are open. Hopefully gay men in major sports teams will all be free to play openly without feeling shame. The last one I connect with the most and want to start volunteering focuses on alcoholism and addiction in the young generation. They try and bring awareness to kids being self-abusive with drugs and alcohol. Lets try and find healthy fun options. I was talking to a counselor for about 30 minutes before entering the club. I realized my higher power brought me to the club last night to have fun but also my higher brought me there for an AHH Moment, there is more I can be doing. AA is great, Sober is the new black is great but I need some service in my life. So I got his card I will be contacting him shortly to see if I can do any volunteer. Helping others, helps me to stay focus and sober. Sobriety is the key to becoming the Adolfo that has always been inside me waiting for me to open up so it can shine into the world.
I am 51 days old and I feel so happy, I know its not always going to be bliss but I know I can always change my thought process so the suffering time is shorten and hopefully with time last only seconds. I never really stated on here before but I think it pretty obvious that I am a gay sober man. I used to think it was a rare breed but the more I am focus and sober I am seeing its more common then I thought. I need to live in that space always. My new normal. Dancing away last night is a great exercise! I worked up a great sweat only to eat a very unhealthy meal after, some things never change like late night food after a club. Lenny and I were sober the whole night and had such a fun time. It is possible to be fun, a nerd, a bit of sober tease. The bartender did look kind of surprise when we were ordering water and red bulls but I tip him pretty good and explain to him, he understood and was very kind.
So last night I learn clubbing is fun sober, service is needed in my life and also walking out the club sober with my hair and clothing still looking nice, feeling happy and clear minded was a great feeling. When we left i seen mostly everybody looking a drunk mess, vomiting, arguing, making out with strangers, incoherent. It got me thinking why are we so self-abusive and I felt gratefulness that I was no longer part of the culture but without that culture I wouldn’t be who I am today. I am grateful for you reading this and I am grateful for great friends and the Internet! I am posting photos a bit later from last night sober fun!!
TODAY IS DAY 50 SOBER! It’s been such a great journey so far! Today has been a quite and relaxing day. I was in bed all day watching harry potter and ornage is the new black! Love that show! I just got to my friend Lenny house. She in the shower so I figured it was a great time for me to write a bit. We both will be sober dancing away tonight! I love being sober and waking up the next day not half dead. Lenny and I used to run around Koreatown a drunken mess, passing out on sidewalks, pissing in plain view of people. Day drinking leading into night drinking so by the time we walk into the club we are already blackout. Their was this one time we pulled up to a club in a taxi but I couldn’t even make it out so I had the taxi drive me back home. We used to be drunk and drunker.
So this is the first time we are hanging out since I got sober, I have not seen Lenny in over 2 months. She has been so supportive since my break up and she is an amazing friend. When I first got here we caught up a bit. She started to slow her drinking down. I am happy for her! She was the first friend I made out her. We worked at this restaurant in koreatown and we connected right away. Tonight we will be heading to West Hollywood or Brass Monkey in ktown. Not sure yet. Today I said my pray and ask my higher power to guide me today so I know I am in good hands. I am grateful for life, great friends, and for everybody who has been reaching out with their stories. Today I spoke to someone who has been sober for 8 years; she is an amazing woman who I admire. Its people like her that keeps my inspired to keep writing. Thank you all for reading and hope you all have a wonderful night!
Hello friend’s day 47 sober has arrived and I am feeling positive! Today I start a workout routine; I am pretty active now days but I don’t have a solid routine. I want a whole mind body and soul shift. AA is a program for my recovery form Alcohol-ism (Inside Self & Mind) and I have started a life program which involves Reading and listening to spiritual teachers. Looking inward so I can find out what caused my issues, if I don’t find the cause (root) of my issues than it would surface in another areas of my life.Getting in touch with my emotions and learning how to feel and endure pain. Overcoming my fears and letting go. Getting to know my higher power and loving myself!
Everything has changed in my life since I got sober, even the way I cry. Its going to be hard to explain but ill try my best. When I get sad a thought surfaces that cause the feeling of sadness than the thought leaves with the sadness and once that leaves my body just starts crying without me blinking or trying or thinking it just starts. It only last for a few moments and when it ends. I am happy again without those past feelings of sadness. My body is meant to grieve and move on. Before I would harper on the sadness causing pain while I cry and sitting with it, crying for hours. Now it just flows naturally without trying. It happened in public a few times I was kind of shocked the first time. I did not try and stop the tears they eventually stop on their own. Maybe Its because I am becoming self aware and its teaching me the right way to grieve. Crying is a great tool for me to relieve my mind and soul; it’s like a form of detoxing. I still have a long way to go but I know I am on the right path because I feel the universe presence at all times! I am grateful for this blog Sober is the New Black and for my progress so far!
Sober Is The New Black 