1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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1 Year Sober

Today is one year sober; today I feel nothing but gratitude. A sense of self-awareness I have never felt before. In one year I’ve learned more about me than in the 28 years of living. What I’ve learned in one year sober is I am not my past, my mistakes, and my past addiction. I’m whom I choose to be today, in this moment.

A year ago today, I was sitting on a mattress on the floor in a new apartment, I’d lost the love of my life because of my addiction, and I was ashamed and embarrassed. Little hope, lost with no purpose or sense of direction.

Today every aspect of my life is amazing, like I am walking in a dream. I see the world with different eyes. Eyes that is clear and filled with hope and compassion.

Sobriety does not fix everything but it allows me to have a clear mind so I could fix my life. The first few weeks into sobriety my emotions were up and down. Happy, Sad, Hopeful, defeated, angry, confused, blissful, inspired, sobriety allowed me to feel life on life terms.

The list of gifts sobriety has brought into my life are endless. Surrendering everything to the power greater than myself has been beyond rewarding, it taught me a word called forgiveness. Forgiving everything including forgiveness for myself.

Sobriety put purpose in my writing. I heal through my art. Hopefully inspiring others to heal through art. I now see love in all aspects of my life. When I was using I was blind from the love that surrounded me. I was caught in my mind that created false stories that brought me pain so I would use, creating a vicious cycle of using.

Now I see love so big, I feel love so much it’s as if my heart going to explode.

The ISM in Alcoholism is Alcohol-Inside Self & Mind. My disease centered in my mind creating the body craving. I had to become aware of the mind voice. Once I was able separate the voice from my True self. I could stop the voice dead in its tracks. The voice would speak to me like just have one more drink or only wine. The voice would bring up my past; you had such a bad childhood, you should be angry, he’s cheating on you, blah blah on and on. How dare you, you offended me, blah, blah on and on.

The voice sounded like me, it knew what to say to get me to the next drink.

I’m stronger than the voice because I’m aware of my true-self. My true-self is stronger. I can shut it down. if it starts feeding me negative thoughts from my past.

Today I woke up happy, aware, with purpose; fire in my heart to create art, wanting to be a better me. Still working on love for myself and compassion for others. Staying open to learning new things. Sober is the new black.

I want to say thank you to the readers of sober is the new black. That allowed me to share my journey. There are no words that i can write down to show my gratitude. Thank you friends with more days sober who are my teachers and thank you friends with less days sober who my inspiration.

Sober is the New Black will continue on, my book will be out at the end of this year also an apparel line. Sobriety brings dreams that seemed unimaginable. God bless and until next time. Going to turn off my computer for the day and just live!!!!!! Seeing new sights with these clean and sober eyes.

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

This video below was one year in the making. Hope it inspires.

 

 

one year sober

 

adolfo vasquez adolfo vasquez

 

adolfo vasquez

Special thanks to Roxy Shih for the video

Vincent Sandoval for Photography

Stay connected with love Adolfo Vasquez

11 Months Sober

Hello friends, today 11 months sober. I’m in my hometown Palm Springs Ca. Surrounded by loved ones. Today I woke up and cried tears of happiness and gratitude. I never thought I would be 11 months sober feeling content and peaceful. Today I will spoil myself a bit. I make every day count but also celebrate every minute that I am sober. For the first time I feel in control of my life, making right moves, creating love, creating happiness, creating positive thoughts, seeing people in the light of love and not in EGO. As I writing this down, tears are covering my keyboard. I be Heading to Las Vegas Nevada in a few hrs. Going to celebrate with family but before I will be spend sometime with my high power. Give thanks for my sobriety.

 

No cravings for that old life just moving forward in this newly found sober life. I’ve been self reflecting a lot more these days, now that Ive healed old wounds. As days go on I find myself feeling very content and happy on were my life is headed. I have to see the positive in each day. I also realized my writings and poetry are something new. When I first started writing the vision in my head did not match the end product. I just wasn’t that great or skilled. In my head I had this vision but when I put pen to paper I found myself lost or dissatisfied. I knew I had a talent in writing. The only way to get better is by volume of work. I do love what I write and some stuff is great and some stuff is not up to par. I just need to keep writing and the gap between my vision and end product will get smaller, eventually syncing and there will be no gap.

 

I sometimes have to remind myself writing should be for me, only write what I know, feel and been through. I cannot write someone else story or  write for others opinion or try to always end on a positive note. Sometimes things happens and the end result doesn’t feel positive at that time. I am sure eventually a lesson will surface but I have to write in the moment.

I can’t be in fear of writing something that isn’t good or fear failure because it will happen. The Fear of Failure can prevent me from achieving dreams and reaching my full potential. When I was an active addict my whole day was fear based. Fear of losing love, fear of trying, fear of dying, fear of my own greatness as a child I was so anxiety ridden. So now I force myself to write everyday. In bed before I sleep. On the morning commute. Lunch breaks. Even quick notes and ideas. I carry my Mac and notebook with me all times. So I can write down ideas before they escape my mind.

 

So what’s my dream?  spend my days writing and helping other see their full potential. Bring awareness to addiction. Making sober cool in our youth. Writing for film or TV. Become a published author. All those dreams will come true, all I got to do is stay SOBER…. Sober is the New Black

 

Here are some poems I’d birth the past couple of weeks.

 

My Ex saw a light in me when i was at my darkest state, He fought so hard for me to see my capability. So happy I see the light now.

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We’ve all been to places that are dark. People might judge from the roads you have walked. Let them go if they are committed to not understanding you

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As a child i felt loneliness to the extreme, daydreaming was my escape.

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One of the greatest lessons sobriety has brought is the lesson below

 

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This one is about …… people coming back into your life once you are in recovery. If you are blessed enough mending those relationship.

 

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Losing love and getting sober is hard. trust me hahahaha

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Surrendering is a beautiful thing

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Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

Today is Day 265 sober; it’s been such a wonderful day. Tomorrow is valentine’s days. Last year I was in a sober facility in the valley trying to stay sober with a broken heart. I was confused, but I knew I wanted to be sober, but I relapsed a short time after because I did not know how to stop and I wasn’t at my bottom. When I look back I feel bad for my old self. I was trying to keep all together, just got out of 3-year relationship, Losing love was more difficult than staying sober. I had really nowhere to go, lost, scared and felt very defeated in life. I disliked myself in every way. Swimming in a river of guilt. Lonely to the extreme.

I now sit here in tears because I’ve come so far in my recovery; life is great in every aspect of my life. My rent is paid for the rest of the year. I am taking 5 months off of work to write, rewrite and live like a traveling nomad. Started investing in mutual funds for the future. Working on my book that will be finish in April 2015 I am still not the person I want to be but I will continue on in sobriety. I want to be more compassionate to others, less attach to material things, let go of needs, pray more, write more, live in the moment more, help others whether in service or poetry, surround myself with only positive and mindful people, take some creative writing class. So those are my short-term goals. I am also very inspired by dark and gritty might be from my past. I love using it in my writings. I do have some dark writings I’ve been working on; I don’t want to alarm people so I might just post them on Instagram and facebook. You can follow me at http://instagram.com/soberwriter

This valentine’s day I’ll be spending it with an incredible man who wants to take me on a date, excited and a bit nervous. Sober is the New Black. I hope you all have a wonderful Valentines day and know the most important love is for oneself.

These are some of the latest poems I cooked up

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Alcohol

 

Died

 

 

Me at day 264 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

Lykke Li is one incredible artist, writer and performer. Her music inspires me to feel, weep and heal. I hope you love this visually striking video

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 119 Sober: Mind of An Addict

Hello Friends, today is day 119 Sober. No cravings, its been a busy work week with some dog sitting. I have the next two days off which will be nice to relax and be back in the downtown la area. I am not a west side boy.

 The mind of an addict is where the addiction centers. I have to watch every thought that comes into the round head of mine. I Tend to create stories in my head that than affect my heart. These stories are false stories that are not really happening. Usually its about someone trying to hurt me or do wrong to me. Which isn’t the case but my mind try’s to convince me. You can love me so deeply but I will create this lie in my head.

 I know it stems from child abuse. I was constantly being hurt from my parents. Now that I found the root I can dig out the weed. I have to always watch my mind because weeds come back. Self-healing has to be constant in my life like the air I breathe. I need it in my life at all times so I can live. How do you find the root? Sit still and ask yourself questions or if you ever get mad or upset it’s usually a weed caused by past pain. For example if someone says something and I get offended. I go within and ask my self why was that a touchy subject. Not all weeds are easy to spot and might take years.

 I am so grateful I can see some of my weeds but I am a desert full of painful weeds, pulling them out one day at a time. I am also planting huge tress of trust and love for myself. No need to fear if others are going to hurt me, I trust myself on letting them go if they do. I will protect myself. People will hurt me but it’s my choice to suffer. Also when I catch my mind making up stories, I have let it go and put me back it the moment. Whether its rubbing my fingers across the wall and focusing on the feeling or taking my shoes off and digging my toes in the sand and focus on the feeling. If might have to tell myself this is the moment not what’s in my head, it’s the feeling of sand on my feet. It will then go away.

  Anger spreads like an infection. Wake up, stub a toe and get pissed. Walk out the door beep the horn at people, get the morning coffee be mean to a coffee shop boy than it makes him mad. it ruins his day, spreading like a virus. I have to be aware of how I treat people at all times. The mind weeds can’t overcome me. Becoming self-aware is the one of the biggest gifts sobriety has brought me. Sober is the new black.

 

Everyone should live their life by the words of this song by Jason Mraz Living in the moment. Addicts and non addicts

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez