DAY 59 Sober: Family Weekend

Hello Friends, Today is day 59 sober, a day away from two months. I am on my lunch break. Its beautiful day, the sun is shining and it’s a warm day. Got back to LA late last night, I was visiting my hometown Palm Springs. I had such an amazing time sober, I got to see A lot of my family, ate some great food and had a great time connecting with everyone sober. It gets hard being away from loved ones.  I know once gray hair starts to grow, I will move near my family or get a second home if I were to be that lucky. Life is very short. I didn’t blog as much over the weekend  because I wanted to be with the family at every moment of the day. I arrived Friday spent sometime time shopping with the family than headed to the club at night to dance away. Red bull, water, and a couple of cigs were on the menu for my night out. I did not have any  cravings at all.  

My grandma Mary had a 60-surprise bday; it was amazing seeing her expression when she walked through the door. Now that I am sober I can appreciate the moments more and also live in the moments. It was a party for 80 so it was a bit stressful. I did not help out as much as the others, I was to busy messing around with the kids. The food was perfection. On Sunday I slept most of the day, there is nothing more comforting than sleeping in your mothers bed, in a dark room, really cold. Most of Sunday was sleeping than we baked banana bread. The drive back as well as the drive to was filled with great conversation with my aunt. 

All in all it was the best trip so far. I can’t wait to visit again. Going back home is great, Being home also brought me a bit of sadness seeing someone very close suffering with addiction, I sometimes question how to help that person. I had to learn on my own but I also had tough love. Seeing that person talk and walk reminds me so much of myself. The constant sorrys that never end. I know that person wants to stop but not knowing how too. I am so early in my recovery, so I feel like my advice can be unworthy for this person. Since this person is such a big part of my heart I only want the best advice for him. I do try and talk to him but it doesn’t connect and he is always trying to prove me wrong. It’s a very touchy subject with my immediate family so I don’t want to push any buttons. I don’t even think that person even reads my blog. I  worry quite a bit because I know what the 2 outcomes are if  he doesn’t quit. Ill just pray away. I was the split image of him. I know with every cell in my body I will never drink, for me and for the others who are suffering in my family. I have to be strong and show them that it can be something treat able and for my dog Maggie who passed away in the midst of my Addiction. Sober is the new black.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

Here are some photos from my Weekend home 

 

 

 

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Day 12 Sober: Sia Chandelier

Hello.. Today is day 12 sober. Almost two weeks sober and i am still going! I brought maggie home and found the perfect spot for her. My new apartment is looking and feeling more like home everyday. My mind has been really great and i’ve been able to shut down the Alcoholism thoughts. My disorder has know power over my awareness!!!!! and i am so grateful for that.  I just have to remind myself that Alcoholism is a living breathing ISM ( Inside Self & Mind) that centers in my brain not it the Alcohol, It also lives in my body making me crave the booze. The body ISM is easy to brush off times but The ISM in your mind is sneaky and will find it way to surface with Negative thoughts. When you are not treating your Alcoholism with its MEDS Alcohol, you still have the disorder but it now becomes untreated Alcoholism and thats when the real work starts.  When i started this blog i did not expected all the love and support from people. I am so grateful. 

Ive been watching and listening to Sia New Music video, I might be wrong but i feel like its about Alcoholism and the little girl in the video ( Maddie Ziegler) is a young Sia growing up in a bad childhood eventually turning to booze to help her with her past.  This video mirrors my life so much.  Young Sia (Maddie Ziegler) Despite her surroundings still fights and shines her talent and beauty. Sia has always been an inspiration with her one of a kind voice and her amazing lyrics. The first time I seen her live was at Coachella fest in 2007, she blew my mind and like always made me cry. Sia has been with me through the ups and downs of my past. Sia Chandelier lyrics resonate with my soul

 

Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I Learn
I push it down, push it down1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw ’em back, till I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

This Song came out around the same time I Decided  to get sober, I feel like Sia always knows what i am going through at the time. Heres the video enjoy.

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

DAY 5 Sober: A Survivor Mind

  Today is day five sober and i am still going strong. My video Blog was so scary btw, It was so hard but i am glad i did. I am enjoying a Chai tea at my spot in Koreatown. No cravings so far but i am starting to feel that semi Depression that sneaks up on you in the beginning stages of getting sober. My Body aches, I have night sweats, muscle Spasms, Lack of sleep, Lack of appetite and also a mild headache. . In the past five months my life has been turn upside down. Some of the hardest moments of my life so far…So much change but with change comes freedom, loneliness, and endless possiblities  Also nothing seems fun and i kinda don’t want to do anything except write. Which is still pretty good but i love film and i usually watch at least one or two a day Maybe its the lack of sleep Ive been getting. Things are starting to settle down a bit and a new normal is on the horizon, i cant see what it looks like but i know it involves being sober.

Not sure why it took me so long to realize i was an addict. After countless bad decisions. Even after seeing people i knew pass from addiction. Doctors telling me I have a fatty liver. None of it was enough. Yet my mind just shifted on may 24 14.  I  realized its a mental disorder that centers in are brain and not in the booze and that i have control of my mind and sometimes the mind can be your worst enemy addicts or none addicts.  In my childhood and even up to my 20’s  I had a lot of trauma that range from Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, Physical abuse, and neglect. A child mind is very impressionable and cant rationalize those forms of abuse.  So i was taught at a very young age to always live in this mind, I had to survive and my mind made it possible. I used to pretend play as child every child pretends which is normal but my lasted a bit long into high school my reality was so bad that i would spend hours with my mind in my room or watching tons of film.  As i got older i stayed in mind even when the surroundings got so much better filled with amazing love. I was still in survivor mode.

 

When i was younger my mind would lie to teachers when they saw knots on my head or lie to everybody so my parents would not get in trouble. Stealing food, stealing from family. when i was younger i was really small and skinny so i  would be put into doggy doors so i can steal food. I used to walk into walmart with old shoes and walk out with knew shoes..With parent consent.  In high school freshman year I only had two outfits horrible Experience, I was leaving with my father at the time. The minute i got a work permit i had to work paying rent so i was always in my mind surviving not trying to find out who i was or what my future looked like, Prom, college.  As i got older my mind was still in survivor mode, My mother was living with me and i was 2o.Working full time to put food on the table. I sorta raised my young brother since he was a kid. My mom always had jobs that didn’t last more then a few months.      

 

 

Then one night a girl who will be nameless, offered me cocaine at that gay bar and my mind felt so good it was not in survivor mode and the rest was history…So the minute i had a chance at a normal life in LA i took it!!!!! get the hell out of the desert! but i was still with that survivor mind but with a bigger Disorder, I came to LA with my Alcohol disorder! and that was horrible. My survivor mind showed itself with distrust, fear, Paranoia, Added with booze! BOY O BOY! what a recipe. The really fucked up part was the Surroundings was such a 360 from back home. Filled with love, good cheese, Wonderful game nights, BBQ’s, laughter, an amazing apartment, maggie my dog, an amazing ex with an amazing family and group of friends. I was in survivor mode fueled by booze i did not even see the amazing love i had back home from my bros, sis in law, nephews, niece, Step mom and my all my aunts. My real parents are amazing too! My alcohol disorder helps me understand them more. They are pretty awesome.

 

So part of my recovery is to go back and heal my own wounds. Forgive people and forgive myself. I am so grateful for my being sober and for everyone who is taking time out there day to reading this! I hope one day i can inspire. One blog at a Time

Stay connect with love, Adolfo