Hello Friends today is day 45 sober!!! Today is such a beautiful day, my best friend, mother of my brothers, Stepmother, concert and tattoo buddy BIRTHDAY! She has been in my life since I was a toddler. She left my father years ago because she wanted a better life for my two brothers and herself. She has been by my side at every moment of my life, even from a far. She loves me with an open hand allowing me to make mistakes and Evolve. She gives great advice, and listens. She came into my life when she was only fifteen; my father was a very difficult man at times so whenever my father would go crazy she would be my refugee. When my birth mother did not want my brother and I or was in jail, or homeless. She raised us. At the time my father was also in his Addiction. I cant not imagine raising four kids, two not her own and living with an addict who was not nice at all. It’s been amazing seeing her grow and evolve.
Everything she has in her life she has worked hard for and did on her own with no help including buying her own house. When I was in the midst of the Addiction she gave really hard love, she refuse to pick me up from jail and refuse to support my addiction. She never really called me an addict but she would ask question to get me thinking and let me figure out on my own. She loved me at my highs and more importantly she loved me when I’ve been down. Sometimes love can be tough it isn’t always joy and butterflies its also can be a bit hard, painful, and not always pretty. It might not even feel like love at the time but usually that kind of love is needed. Everyday she wakes up wanting to be and do better, that’s what I love about her. She has taken in people off the streets including my birth mom and has given her some great advice.
As I got older and sober I started see the world differently, yes I had profoundly misfortunate childhood but the universe put keys players in my life to help me become Adolfo, My stepmother is one of them. She is a great teacher in life, she has thought me courage to fight for what I believe in, to love above all, to never give up, to always see the positive in everything, don’t waste energy on people who are committed to not understanding you, to dream big and take action. She is my backbone; She is my rock, my mother and Father, confidant, Tattoo and concert buddy, my spiritual teacher!
Love you so much! Words can’t say enough! I may not be with you today, but I will in spirit! Sober is the New Black
Hello friends, today is day 42 Sober. Hope everybody enjoyed his or her 4th of July. This morning I woke up in a bit of a funk not really Feeling like celebrating. Since I’ve been sober I’ve been having some dreams of my old life and when I do I always wake up in a bit a funk. The dreams are not about me drinking. It focuses on my ex and my old friends. This dream was about my EX celebrating the 4th with his new love and my old friends, someone stealing my old life from me. When we broke up, I was the bad guy and so everybody left, I understand they were his friends first so of course they took themselves out of my life, I expected that but every time I dream those dreams I wake up with deep loneliness and kind of numb. So I prayed really hard in the shower and asked my Higher power to get me through the day and once I got out, I was ready to celebrate the 4th! Some friends and I had a BBQ at a park; it was peaceful, filled with laughter, water gun fights, great food and love! It reminded me how amazing my new normal is and I cant be a prisoner of my past but the pioneer of my future.
Also my blog has been getting A lot of amazing support which I am so grateful for. kind people who are reaching out and sending their well wishes. Since my blog is public their also some other people who are also in recovery that are not feeling it. Which is ok I don’t expect everybody to understand my journey into sobriety. This blog is from a guy who is just 42 days sober, so the point is to Evolve, grow and document my story and struggle. So I know I don’t have all the answers and don’t want to. I just want to be whole and heal. Maybe this blog might help newbies and maybe it might remind winners what it’s like to just be 42 days sober. I spoke to this amazing lady last night, who I believe is such an inspirational winner and she reminded me I have to take advice that works for me and leave the rest. This blog is very therapeutic and I had to refocus and not give those people any energy. This blog I believe is a gift form the Universe and I know there is a bigger picture. I have to stay focus on staying sober that’s it.
Today I am grateful for being Sober, My Higher Power, for all the love that surrounds me, for AA and The BIG BOOK.
Hello friends, today is day 29 sober and so far it has been an amazing unproductive day. I’ve been relaxing all day, feels good not having plans. I would like to have no plans more often. I am a day away from a month and as each day passes my want for booze is fading and my want for an amazing new life gets stronger. No cravings today except for some fast food but I told my self no, I wanted a whole shift in my mind, body and soul. I need to put healthy stuff in my body so my mind works at 100 percent and I need to make sure to get enough sleep. Your body knows when it needs sleep, so take a nap and recharge! I am in love with midday naps. I will take it over sex any day! Not only is my mind becoming self aware and I am starting to see patterns that were created from my childhood but my body is also changing. I feel great and clothes are fitting me a lot better.
Alcoholism centers in my mind and body not it the booze itself so once you become aware on the ISM(Inside Self &Mind) that voice that talks to you to convince you to drink than you can stop it! In time it gets easier. It’s like your mind is a muscle the more you work it the stronger it is. No voice, place, person, situation can take away my sobriety this time around. You have to become self aware, detox from the booze allow the body (ISM) to appear with the withdrawals and cravings. Once you stop drinking than you are left with untreated alcoholism because you are not treating it with its meds (booze) so that’s when its get hard and your mind goes a bit crazy, Temper, annoyed, hurt, sad, anger, lying to get the booze, denial just drinking wine or beer. Ill stop the hard liquor. Or ill just drink at night. Maybe just on Mondays. It will try and convince you because this mental disorder/parasite of a kind needs to thrive and stay alive. Also the metal disorder will come out in physical pain to try and get you to drink, night sweats, body aches, body itch’s, seizures, this is the body (ISM). So how do you go from untreated Alcohol-ISM to treating it without booze? For me treating my disorder is a daily thing because it never goes away that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy because you can it just takes work and time. So I treat my Alcohol-ISM by becoming self-aware of my issues and try and heal old wounds, positive thinking, surrendering to a higher power, loving people and learning how to love myself, meditation, start new healthy hobbies, find a form of AA that works for ME, Change everything about my life if you walked on the right-side of the street start walking on the left side, you’ll start to see the street from a different angle thus see the world from a different level. Make new normal that consist of laughter, joy, gratefulness, and acceptance.
What’s the most incredible thing is it can end today and your life can change in a second a whole new normal and amazing normal. Once you accept that Alcoholism is a living ISM that centers in your mind and body than you can become aware of it so then you can start treating it! Also you stop admitting and start accepting the truth that your are an Addict but truly understand what role it has played in your life and connect it to your heart and realize that your life today is the direct result of your choices, no one else! Just you! Not the past, not the abuser, not your parents, not that story you’ve told your mind over and over and even told others.
It’s a hard thing to grasp because we are so used to the past creating how we see the world and others. It’s a proven fact that if you start thinking differently than your cells and DNA starts to change, so you are no longer that story, your old self. You are now who you choose to be at the moment. You are your current thoughts. I am proof! I am in tears when I write this because for the past 29 days I wake up happy, excited for life, passion for long term goals. I see people differently and I have had some stressful moments but with my clear mind I let it go I surrender it to the universe. I DONT EVER NAME MY HIGHER POWER ON HERE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE IT HAS TO BE THE SAME AS MINE TO GET SOBER, NO IT DOESN’T, WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU CONSIDER IT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD, UNIVERSE, MOON, SUN, A DOOR, A BUDDAH, A BLOW DYRER. There are plenty of roads to Rome you just have to find a road that is connecting to your heart and that works with your life.
I found my new normal and I love it. Cut everything out of your life that is unhealthy including love ones if you have to. You sobriety is number one because with out it nothing really matters and without sobriety you do not have anything inducing yourself.
Day 26 Sober, Last night was an amazing experience, I was able to attended LA Film Festival. I saw a film called uncertain terms; it was witty, emotionally charged film. Its about a pregnant girl name Robbie moves to a group home of young pregnant girls, Robbie starts having a relationship with the maintenance man while still with her immature baby daddy. There is a birthday scene where it’s a bunch of underage pregnant girls dancing to Khia “My Neck, my back”. Probably this best film for me so far this year…I have a few days left, so ill have to decide at the end.
Yesterday I was able to sit with Vince for about 30 minutes before his event, we had a conversation that needed to happen, so I can start taking the necessary steps to a healthy me. My love for him is really great but I need to hear in Vincent voice that there is no future between us, he mentioned it before but I wasn’t ready to hear it, I was last night. When you caused the break up there is always a feeling of trying to fix what you have done wrong, trying to make up for the wounded. I do have some pain that lingers but it will last for a while mixed with missing him, I sometimes get confused between still in love or missing him. Maybe it is both, it feels like a death, you are fine one moment then with in seconds you are in tears. I believe Vincent was my soul mate the minute I met him I dropped everything so I can be around him all the time. He brought me closer to myself at the sacrifice of his heart. What I’ve learn in the process is that we all have more than one soul mate in are lifetime because we are constant evolving humans that change so Vince was my soul mate that I needed at this time in my life because the universe gave me what I needed to evolve so now that I am evolving and becoming a new person it opens me up to a new soul mate. I do sometimes wonder, what if I had met Vince today with such clarity in mind and heart. In my head in vision growing old with him, the whole sitting in rockers on the porch, me putting up with his grouchiness, as he gets older and bald. Taking care of him as he ages unless I age horrible first. It’s a dream that I have to let go and that is the hardest part because my actions caused this dream to no longer be a possibility but without getting it taken away I wouldn’t be here sober. As I get older I realize some greatness in ones life can cause such deep pain, you have to endure. The pain is so deep it becomes a physical disability but I have to let go. Let go. Vince and I both suffered great losses. We both are equally amazing and we both created lessons to be learned. I don’t believe in mistakes. I was an amazing boyfriend that happens to have an addiction but when I was sober for brief times I was a pretty great, I am sure Vince will agree. As I am writing my heart isn’t broken but bruised. Time, positive thinking and being sober has helped heal me a bit. I still have a long ways to go.
Yesterday seeing Vince brought out that schoolgirl in me. I was a so nervous, butterflies in my stomach, when I saw him some air left my lungs, I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to just look into those brown eyes and be in the moment because I knew in my heart at that moment it would be the last time I see him with this intense love. So I wanted to enjoy that moment. The break up was not just between Vince and myself the break up was between families, friends, the future plans, Magnolia. We broke up in November and didn’t tell family until weeks later and when we did tears flow through their eyes.
I cant help get sappy its like an end of an amazing chapter or era of my life, A graduation into a new Adolfo. This is a goodbye letter to my relationship. You see I always in vision Vince and I walking down the aisle because we both couldn’t decide who was the girl, in a forest. I also in vision Anne, Maju, Summer, Rachel, Luisa standing next to Vince while I have one person maybe on my side. I need to let this out into the universe because this is no longer the reality. I have to accept, grief and let go of this dream because the universe has a bigger dream for me that I cant see or even see the path at moment but I know the path exists.
This wonderful soul brought so much love and growth into my life. I want him to know his love saved me from a bleak future that was not going to end well. Vince was the single most influential person because of him I will stay Sober and with being sober now I can live. I also want him to know that my love for him was pure just clouded a bit. I lied but I also loved so hard, laughed, accepted him for everything, loved every part of his body. I was pretty much perfect except for the drinking and lying… never cheated or hit. Never really looked at anyone else in sexual way. You were the one for me kid. Glad I was for you too for that moment.
I will be more than fine; I will be sober not just from alcohol but also from the past, hurt, and guilt, ashamed, from loss. Hopefully once he heals from the betrayal I caused (that’s even if he wants to heal) or learn to trust me again. I can look at you and you look at me with no pain and hurt and we both can sit and you get to fully experience the Adolfo you seen in me the whole time…. I am going to also release this song out to the universe it was supposed to be are first dance/wedding song.
Hello friends today is day 21 sober and I am having such an amazing time. It feels good to be in the desert surrounded by loved ones. Yesterday I went to my brother graduation. It was a beautiful night. Every time I come back home there is a certain smell that I am in love with. I saw my father and I was kind of nervous at first but it went well I gave him a hug and he said he loved me, which felt good. I know its not an over night process but eventually I would love him in my life. Last time I was here, 7 months ago my father and myself both were drinking and he got in my face wanting to fight me because I spoke up on how I felt. With my father in the past he is always right and you cannot have an opinion. Also my parents; I felt had always put their partners before their children wellbeing. My Father getting in my face brought me back to my childhood that scared and hurt little boy. After that day I promised myself that I would not allow anyone including my parents make me feel that way again and I also promise myself that I would Never be in his presence. That was a bit unrealistic seeing he will always be in my brother’s life. After the graduation we went to dinner and there was some drinking and I did not have a physical craving for booze! I did not focus on my dad I focus most of my energy on my brothers, aunts, and stepmother and enjoy each moment laughing.
Every time I am in the Desert I try and get a tattoo. I want to celebrate getting sober with a gift for myself so I feel like a tattoo will do. Not sure what. I have a few ideas, ill decided a bit later. I want to make this a healing trip. When I was with my father I did not have any uneasy feelings except the beginning, which past quickly that felt really good. I also need to make time for my mother. My Mother wants to be in my life and makes more of an effort. For me to heal is to forgive and to forgive is to go in with an open mind and heart. I feel like my parents are not born with the intention to hurt their kids. Something probably happen to them as a child that I am unaware of and because of that they made choices that affect are lives but anyone can change if they want to.
My parents did the best they can with their mental state. I am unaware if my parents had loved ones call them out and try to create an intervention in the beginning of their disorder. I am lucky I had loved ones call me out on my alcoholic disorder and helped me see it. I hope my parents read this and know that its possible to change and change can be scary, lonely and hard at first but once you are open to accepting the truth, watch your thoughts and surrender. Life is so amazing and there is so much possibility with in them that shines so bright. I love you mom and dad. I will be here waiting when you are ready and if that day never comes that’s ok, my love for you wont fade. If anything my love is greater now that I am also going through my own alcoholic disorder. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself!
Sober Is The New Black 