1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 226 Sober: Addiction was my Blessing

Hello Friends, Today is day 226 sober. I got back home last night. Had a wonderful two weeks in Palm Springs Ca. Met some new friends, dance the nights away with old friends. Spent every moment in a state of gratefulness. Very blessed to have two weeks off.  Enjoyed every moment of seeing my Family.

I saw both my parents and felt nothing but love. I knew I had to leave my past in the past and only see them in the light of love. Only with a clean and sober mind I was able to realize my parents issues are their own. It has nothing to do with my space that I create. I realize it comes down to choices, I can choose to not have them in my life but that would be based on a past I am no longer part of. Or I can have them in my life and see them as who they are today. Understanding and compassion is the state of mind I want to be in at all time. Talking to my parents brought me a new understanding on why my childhood was so dark. I can’t change it nor change my parents, I have to accept them whole and move forward. I choose to have them in my life with boundaries, I have to put myself first and my recovery. Why not have them in my life? They both love me and deal with addiction as I do. When my parents are about to cross over to their new beginning I want to know I did all I could in our relationship.  I wanted my parents to let go of the guilt they buried, I am ok and they should be as well. Tied up loose ends and letting go of all the mind haze was what I needed for the New Year. I now sit in Los Angeles feeling peace and a lighter. When I was using it was very convent to use that childhood story for people to understand and feel sorry for me. Time to create a new story, one filled with strength, inspiration, hope, and the power to overcome anything and everything.

 

Before I left my hometown I made sure that 3-year-old boy that was dwelling in me feeding me the stories of my past stayed behind. He is no longer dictating my life or how I see others. I can reflect back to understand what I need work on and inspire, but I will not connect my emotions to it. I had lots of love around me growing up but was blinded by my parents abuse to see it. Everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change one moment of my childhood or drunken stumbles, the reason being all those things got me here today with a wiser mind, a compassion heart, Clean and strong, In the state of gratefulness and seeing and feeling beauty in everything. My addiction put in me in recovery where I learned how to forgive the past but also myself and to heal. Without addiction, I don’t know if I would have been able to forgive my past or it might have taken a lot longer. So addiction was my blessing. Sober is the new black.

 

Here are some of my latest peoms.

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Devendra Banhart is perfection. one of my favorite artist. This song called freely has carried me out of hardships in my life. Hope you enjoy it.

 

Stay Connected with love,  Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

Hello Friends, Today is day 162 sober, I just want to start off by saying all the readers support and inspiring message, that fill my heart up with so much joy. I just hope I do the same for others who may be suffering in this battle. Part of getting sober is going inside and finding root causes of my addiction. The ones I hide inside deep, from the traumas I’ve been through. I have not really talked about this subject to anyone, none of my family knows about this. So I might have some backlash or maybe some support but the most important thing in my life is healing so I can stay sober.

 

 

I was Sexually abused at a very young age. It was a male babysitter who would watch me while my mother would go out and party, my mother is also an addict. For a  long time, I thought it was my doing or my curiosity that caused it. It happened more than once and I don’t remember much except that it felt good. I don’t know if I was seeking attention from the lack of it in my household or I might have seen people doing it in my household. Writing this down scares me a bit but I just need to connect the dots From being molested to addiction. I know being molested has everything to do with me seeking love in sex, or if someone is not attracted to me then that means there is something wrong with me.

 

 My writing helps me heal from the inside. Taking all the pain out and writing it down is the way I know how to heal, When I was a child I lived in my head away from reality because It was to painful. I would daydream a new life so I can survivor another day. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I need to take ownership of how my life is today and know that I am no longer that child being touch for love but a survivor that is blossoming into a softer person. I lived my life thinking everyone was out to hurt me and In a very defensive state but the reality is that not everyone is my parents or my molester. This was a hard write so now ill go weep my healing tears a bit. Sober is the New Black.

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Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

Ellie Goulding your song  I dedciate to my innner child that still feels the need to feel scared. It time to go now, I got this. Run free. 

 

DAY 129 Sober: Letting go of a dream

Hello Friends today is day 129 sober, Yesterday was a hard day for me but I did not crave booze but I did want to stop writing and felt bitter, sad, angry and wanted to stop everything in the works. Right now, I rather be laying in bed under the covers shutting out the world so I can scream and weep but I know I need to write because this blogs is showing the ups and down of sobriety and this is a down moment. This moment isn’t really an addiction moment it’s a human moment.

 

 Life will not always go according to my plan because the universe has its plan. I just have to keep staying sober and feel this pain in my heart until it heals. Its hard separating the stuff I’ve done from the person I am today because I lost a lot of trust in people. I am not my wrongs and I have to accept that I did lose stuff because of my addiction. I have to remember what Addiction has done to keep me working my program. I have always been a survivor since birth. I was born premature and got pneumonia a week into my life. I will still stand tall but still weep my healing tears. It’s necessary.

 

I just fought really hard for someone who I knew in my heart was the one, even hearts can be wrong sometime. I would have moved mountains, done everything and anything to have him next to me at age of 80, ill be writing with my coffee maybe he’ll be sipping a glass of wine. It might sound a bit crazy, but he knew, he was that last thing I wanted to see before I left out of this world, his face brought me peace and that would have helped me Exit but that wont be. I have to let go of that dream I held on for the past four years. Time to dream a new dream. We did not have alot in common when it came to what we enjoyed doing on are down time but I was open to trying morning hikes etc. The only thing I couldn’t do with him is drink but I can dance, or eat happy hour foods. Not sure if me not enjoying a drink with him was part of it and if it was than maybe I’ve been a fool in love this whole time.

 

I know it came down to me being a dishonest person the last year of the relationship. Maybe he wants someone less fucked up as me, someone without a disorder and that’s fine. We have one life. What I know now that I have a sober clear mind is. I will never give up on love and I will not end up like my mom, going crazy for men, chasing them down and not living her dream and using substance to cope with the pain. Yes my heart is in deep pain and right now I am in tears but I will stay sober, put on my big boy pants and heal this pain so I can live a fulfilling life, rewrite my dreams and life and Yes every time my phone beeps I look down hoping this is a dream but I know its not.

 I am glad it was his choice because I know in my heart I tried and so I have no what if’s

My life will go on and I will shine beyond the dope past. I will build a house somewhere on mountains and live a sober life. Working my program. Sober is the New Black. Grateful for the strength to push through this write.

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

 

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DAY 118 Sober: Feeling Blue and “Red Shoes” Poem

Hello Friends today is day 118 sober, I had a wonderful week. I’ve been dog sitting in Venice. It’s been a really great experience; I really do miss my home and my local coffee shops. In this area since we are close to the beach, a lot of places don’t have AC including the coffee shops and writing in a coffee shop without any AC is not the best also space is limited out here so finding a coffee shop with a lot of room is a hard. I don’t have cable in my home because I don’t want to be distract from the TV but staying here really made me want to give in and get cable. I do love TV and film.

 

Work has been busy, trying to find a balance with work and writing but it will take sometime. I have not craved any booze at all; I’ve been around it, seen it but did not want it. My program is working. I Never really thought about my future when I was a drunk just living in short term goals but I know I need to start thinking about the future so I found a Finical advisor to help my invest in my future, its such a great feeling knowing I’m being a responsible adult.

 

The past few days I have felt a bit blue but I know it will pass, there is an event going on that I was supposed to attend but my addiction has cost me this loss, drinking booze equals loss for me. My Addiction has robbed me from a lot of great things. All I can do now is accept the circumstances and not make those mistakes again. Its ok to feel a bit sad because I am human also that person that made those mistakes is not the person I am today and that gives me a peace of mind. I am sometimes, find myself counting all the moments I have loss or opportunity I have screwed up because of my addiction. I know I have to let it go and I am learning how but I will never forget the things my addiction has done and that will help keep me sober. I cannot keep wishing the past could have been any different than it is. With that said, I will weep some healing tears and write my blues away. Sober is the New Black.

 

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