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June 28, 2015

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400 Days of Sober: I was an Addict before my first drink

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400 Days of Sober

Hello Friends, today is 400 days of sober. I just past 1 year and 1 month sober. This is the longest I’ve been sober since I was 15 years old. This year Ill be 30 so half of my life I’ve been using some sort of drug or alcohol to escape. I was an addict before I took my first sip of booze or snorted my first line of coke. When I was a kid I was always looking for an escape from my dark feelings, fear or life.

Trying to escape from the inside with outside stuff. Escaping with food, getting thin, shopping, sleeping around, cutting myself, validation from others, running 6 miles every day. Those things would bring me a temporary high or numbness, but it was short lived. So the hunger grew, I needed more stuff, I needed to be thinner, and I needed more validation, slept with more men. Turning into substance abuse.

I was consuming, consuming and consuming thinking one day that I would find peace or become whole with having stuff or becoming rich. Just needed that high paying job or those new shoes. Just needed that one guy to sweep me off my feet, or that nice car then ill be happy. What’s interesting is I had all those things, but it was never enough, I never had long-term happiness.

I found peace and serenity not when life was going good but in the chaos of my rock bottom. I realized that happiness, joy, love, forgiveness, surrendering, successes, passion, those things are created only within myself. So I started.

At first my feelings didn’t connect with my thoughts or the words I spoke. I would tell myself, “You are beautiful”. But I didn’t feel beautiful at first but soon after the feelings, thoughts and words synced together.

Life will piece together. I sit here over a year sober with nothing but gratitude for being sober. I still have to create those things within myself because life on life terms. Meaning people will pass or hard times will happen. But I know I can still create peace and serenity because I have faith, I’ve witnessed it work in my life. Sober is the new black.

This blog is about staying sober and what I am learning throughout the days, months, and years. Hoping that these words could connect with someone who might be suffering or questioning staying sober. The meaning behind the name sober is the new black is sober goes great in every aspect of my life. Sober is the best thing I’ve worn.

The reason for me counting days on the blog because if someone who is 26 days sober or day 1 sober, could Google their days and my blog will pop up. Maybe my words can help or they can relate.

This blog is a form of service, I just want to help or in some ways inspire.

Alabama Shakes is one of my favorite bands, here a song that I play on repeat when i am feeling a bit down.

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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June 21, 2015

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Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

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Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

Hello Friends today Is day 393 sober. This past week has been eventful. I’ve been in the process of getting my first book ready for print. The vision came to me one day, late at night. This will be my first book, in my head I thought it would be easy and in some way effortless since I write everyday and knowing what I want the book to say.

I was wrong, this past week I’ve felt annoyed, tried, confused, terrified, and inspired in the process of writing the book. I had a talk with the Editor and a friend who open me up to a new direction for the book. The new direction felt right in my heart.

In this stressful time I had no negative thoughts or an addiction voice trying to convince me to drink.

I talk about my childhood on this blog. In the book it will be more in depth. So having to go back, remember those times and feelings is hard at times. But the part of the book that affects my feelings the most isn’t the childhood. It’s when I was in my deep state of addiction.

The pain I caused loved ones, shooting daggers in hearts. The lying, The manipulation, The time and friends lost. I know it was the Addiction and not my True Self because in the morning after the drunken stumbles, My heart and soul felt heavy and in pain.

In the process of writing the book I find myself walking away for sometime to cry healing weeps. Or taking hour breaks to decompress.

I know I can’t change those actions but what I can do is stay sober so their pain wont be in vain.

Meditation and sitting with my higher power helps after a writing session. Bringing me back to the present. giving me some clarity

Writing is part of my recovery, taking out all the dark stuff that dwells in me and putting it on paper. like a cleansing of the soul. It also helps me reflect and connect the dots from traumas to how traumas affect me subconsciously in my every day life. For example I grew up really poor, I recently notices that feeling bleeds into how I see the world. I have 69 pairs of shoes and always want to buy food in bulk. I need to see the patterns and see if they are affecting me n a negative way. Or change. Sober is the New Black

I’m wishing all the dads a happy fathers day. Hope you all have a day filled with relaxtion and love.

Here are some poems I created this week.

Me day 392 Sober

Anyone who knows me personally, knows I’ve always been a huge fan of Tina Turner. This song is one my favorite.

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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June 14, 2015

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DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

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DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

Hello Friends today is day 386 sober. This week has been a great week. I still haven’t had any cravings for alcohol. In my days sober, I only craved a beer a few days into my sobriety. I’ve been around it and still no craving. I find myself nausea, turnoff, or disgusted by they sight of alcohol maybe because I know the damage it has caused my life.

This past week all I’ve been doing is writing my book. Six to eight hour writing session. My goal is to have them done by august. So I have a couple months to finish. The book is on my first year sober, more in depth than the blog mixed with my poetry. I have over six hundred poems I had to narrow down to three hundred. That was a bit difficult.

Going back to those memories isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s pretty cool seeing my growth. The only difficulty is telling the story of my dog snuggles who I had to abandoned as a child. Snuggles was my best friend growing up.

This up coming week ill be locked in my apartment witting away. I usually write in cafes but I’m starting to love writing in my home. I will go out into the world for some necessities.

My poetry has slowed down as well because all I energy is put on the book at the moment

I am still being my mind watcher, keeping a close eye on addiction behavior and thoughts. As more days go by the more normal life seems. As if I never had any issues. I know it has to do with healing. What once bothered me no longer does. In the past I would focus so much energy on seeing the world in a negative way. My eyes and mind was condition from a dark past. Now I see the world in love and possibilities. If a negative thought surfaces I change the thought to a positive one and I don’t let the negative thought bleed into my feeling and actions.

I can look back at my past year and honestly say I have no regrets all due to sobriety. Which is crazy coming from a person that had tons of regrets. My thoughts, actions and feelings are all synced together. My positive thought leads to other positive thought like a quilt and once you start it becomes effortless.

I was reading a CNN article that said By changing the way you think, your DNA also changes so you are no longer that old past. It really is a great article. Sober is the New Black.

Here are some poems I’ve paused the book to write, Poems just come to me while in deep thought.

Here are some photos from my past week.

Every Sunday there will a be a new blog post giving Sober is The New Black readers some stability

This video below is from Ingrid Michaelson called Afterlife that I’ve been listening to over and over this past week

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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June 7, 2015

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Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

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Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

Hello Friends, today is day 379 sober. It seems June always brings a bit of gloom. This past week I felt uninspired and a bit stagnant. Sobriety has made me aware of patterns and routines in my life that I feel I need. When change happens I get uncomfortable. That uncomfortable state shows itself with emotions like annoyance and grouchiness.

I know this issue stems from childhood. Growing up without stability or a solid foundation, I Feel like I need routine and normalcy.

The change that is upon me is work. I work 9 months a year and have 3 months off for writing. I know I’m very blessed to be able to afford three months off of work but with that brings on this uncomfortable state

This week was my first week not working. I’m a night thinker so I stay up all hours of the night. Since I have no schedule. Staying up till 4am and wake up at 1 pm. I did write and worked my program but even with doing so I felt unproductive.

What I need to work on is creating some sort of schedule. I don’t have to work but I should still rise early. Going to treat my writing like a job, writing from 9-5. Even I don’t feel like writing. I just have to show up.

That will give me a routine. Also I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. The great thing was I did not crave that old life. I am just grateful that sobriety gives me a clear mind to see my issues and gives me the courage to change. Sober is the New Black

Growing up Disneyland was a far off place I would hardly see. I may have seen it twice in my childhood. Now I’m an annual pass holder. So today Ill be spending the day at Disneyland. I might get the inspiration I need at the happiest place on earth. Its never to late to create that childhood you never had.

Here are some poems I birth this week.

This is my favorite spot in my home. My desk.

Stay connected with love. Adolfo Vasquez

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May 29, 2015

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DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

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DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

Hello Friends. Today is day 370 sober. I am back in Los Angeles, The past few days have been overwhelming with all the love and support, beyond grateful. Yes I made it to my year mark but I will always be working on myself until I am on my deathbed. I don’t ever want to be un-teachable. I have to always be open to others suggestions and wisdom. I don’t want to be right, just whole and happy. I will stay teachable at 20 years sober. Learning from old timers and newbies.

When I first got sober, my untreated addiction fed my mind lies. First lie was Sober people are boring, coffee drinkers, and chain smokers. Second lie, I will never have fun again. Third Lie, I have the rest of my life to never drink again, that’s so much time to be on punishment. I relapsed a bunch of times because I believed those lies.

After having time sober, another lie would pop up. I’m cured; I can control it now, only one beer. I would control it for a while but 2 weeks later I found my soul lost and in turmoil.

I have to be aware of my mind at all times. So when my past addiction voice resurfaces I can be strong. I can pray, change my thoughts, meditate, write or call a friend. The voices have got quieter and less strong when I am working my shit out.

My eyes are cleared and I see all the love coming from sober people. The men and woman in Sobriety are some of the strongest people I have ever met. Not just overcoming their struggles but wanting to be better humans, helping others. I have more fun now sober because I know myself better. No body hangovers or mind haze. I smile more and laugh more.

If my mind brings up the length of how long I have to stay sober. I now feel a sense of gratitude for having that time to find myself. I also live in the moment but still work towards long-term goals. I just don’t get emotional when the road takes a detour. I just get back on the same road. I still enjoy and learn from the detour. I might stay on the detour for a minute and self reflect, write or plant some roses so the detour can become a great experience. Sober is the New black

I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone might hear something they needed that day so they can continue seeing the beauty in sobriety. Demi Lovato is someone who is vocal about her past addiction and her current sobriety. The video below talk is a recent interview she did about overcoming her struggle. She’s three years sober now, congrats.

http://www.today.com/video/demi-lovato-at-3-years-clean-and-sober-i-feel-amazing-453180995530

This song below is about her addiction.

Here are some of my poems I’ve worked on in the past few days, hope they inspire

This poem is for my great grandmother who showed me love and was a safe haven for my brother and I

Might need a bit of a break from writing. sad face

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

. I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone out there might hear something that they needed that day, so they continue seeing the beauty in sobriety.

Demi Lavato is someone who is vocal about here past addiction and her current sobriety.

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November 23, 2014

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6 Months Sober: What I've Learned

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6 Months Sober: What I’ve Learned

Hello, Friends today is 6 months sober, I am feeling so grateful to be here now with no cravings for alcohol, only cravings I have is to write, inspire, and to heal from within. What I have learned in 6 months is when you take away the booze; I am left with root causes of my addiction, and some I might be unaware of now since I am only 183 days sober. I also learnt “the addiction” isn’t in the booze its in the mind and body, body in the form of cravings and in the mind feeding me thoughts. The mind for me is where I need the most healing the body cravings have left and gone long ago.

I also learnt that I matter, because I am born, and that I am capable of living a dream I just have to stay sober. One of the biggest lessons I’ve gained is forgiveness, for others. I am currently working on forgiveness for the things I have done. I don’t know if one can fully forgive oneself because when I am reminded of the stuff I did my eyes fills with tears. I learnt that the addiction voice gets quite and far in between when I am self aware of the separation between the addiction and I. I learnt that it’s ok to be sad, angry, hurt, happy, joy, all in one day because I am learning how to cope in a sober life. The longer I’m sober I am finding me, also I am able to see this thing called “ego” and now able to see how that affects me in everyday life. I still have a ways to go but I am so proud on how far I have come in 6months

Getting sober and losing the love of my life at the same time was the hardest thing to do but possible to overcome. Anything is possible, you just have to get up and change. The getting sober part has been pretty great, but the letting go of the love seems to be the hardest for me. I feel like the love is so ingrain in my heart, its hard to cleanse out. Today is a pretty big day. I had a picture of us on my wall, I am a huge believer in law of attraction and I believed if I had our picture on my wall and kept healing in my sobriety one day I would wake to him laying next to me, opening his heart again but the reality is he might be cheering me on but maybe not in the form of a partner. I thought I could finally be that man he always wanted and saw in me. Somehow I can be redeemed from all those things I did, I can go back and help heal his bruised heart and grow old, get married and live happy the rest of our life. I am learning how to accept life’s decision. I took down that picture today, i had velcro it so it was really tuff to take off kinda symbolic to my heart ripping a bit but it was necessary, I am going to delete pictures and get rid of all those reminders that i kept holding on too, his earrings and such. I loved true, but I was dealing with a mental disorder. so I now feel a sense of peace knowing I fought so hard for us, as he did as well. So I sit here in my favorite café in Korea town, happy for my days sober yet a bit sad, oh the rollercoaster of sobriety. but I am alive and feeling life, how life is meant to be felt in the moment. Sober is the new black.

The Pierces Creation is such a powerful song and video!

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June 11, 2014

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DAY 19 Sober: A Drunken Encounter, Sober Hangover

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DAY 19 Sober: A Drunken Encounter

Hello friend’s day 19 sober. My body is feeling good and I woke up with a clear mind. I need to start going to bed early or switch my schedule, last night I fell asleep at 1am and woke up a bit after 4am only a few hours asleep is not going to work. I love being up at all times but need to sleep.

So yesterday I was working on Sober is The New Black at a cafe that I absolute love, the vibe and energy is perfect. The cafe is located in between my two old bars that I would frequent on a daily basis. I usually sit inside but yesterday I decided to move outdoors. It was a beautiful day in LA. So as I am writing this car pulls up in front of the shop, A man gets off the car and I recognize him from the bar, I can tell he was already intoxicated and when he exit the car he started to take a few hits from a pipe (weed). He notices me and I said “hello”. He asked me why he hasn’t seen me at the bar. With out hesitation I told him I had quit and I am now sober. He had a puzzled look on his face.

A little bit of a back-story; he is also a fellow writer and an English teacher. The first time we met we talked for hours. He gave me a notebook with a bunch of his writings and told me to take it home and read it. He also wanted me to write something down on a napkin so he can read something I wrote. I was drunk at the time but I did. I believe he wanted to see how good I was; At the time I was in a place of not wanting to share my writings. I don’t remember what he said about my writings, I am sure it was not good; After all he is an English teacher and is going for his masters!

So back to yesterday, after I told him I was sober and he gave me puzzled look. I told him I started a blog and then he told me to read it for him, already I felt my body tense and knew he was ready to be an asshole again so I told him he would like to read it I can give him a link to my website. I was also in the middle of my online AA. He drunkenly persisted and I know how drunks are because I was one so I invited him to the table. He started to read an older post out loud and the booze smell just filled my space. When he was finish he looked at me and said I just got my masters in two years. I congratulate him, which is pretty awesome. He then said my grammar is atrocious, my writing lack originality, and its pretty bland. He ask me if he can write a post for me so he can spicy things up. I told him no the blog is my personal journey and its really not about being perfect or right but being honest and truthful. He drunkenly kept on. He then clicked on my other web browser, which opened my AA video, he then said “isn’t AA suppose to be Anonymous it defeats the purpose”. At that I point I felt my blood start to boil but I explain to him everybody joinery is different and I am ok speaking about it.

He eventually walked off to my old bar. Writing for me is very personal and so is this blog and being sober. I should have not let him in my space but lesson learn and the wheels keep turning. After he left those anger feelings left quickly. I realized that I was once that way to a lot of people maybe not in the same context but those feelings I had inside me I probably caused in others. He was just some stranger, the majority of the pain I caused were to love ones that probably hurt even more. I am so grateful that I am in a joyful place because that encounter would have stayed with me for a longtime if I was in my old mindset but in my new mindset no one has the power to take away my joy. I also wish him the best and hope he finds peace, also I hope he is successful in his writing career. So happy to have 19 days sober and counting!

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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June 8, 2014

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Day 16 Sober: A Sober kid with a Broken heart, Sober Hangover

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Day 16 Sober: A Sober kid with a Broken heart

Day 16 sober and loving life. I am in Downtown LA at grand central market. It is such a beautiful day, people watching and enjoying a Macchiato. I am trying to start living in space were I do what I want and stop doing things I don’t want to do. Of course I have to clean my apartment and pay bills but I want to enjoy life in every moment and always be doing something I love doing, as long as its healthy and I stay sober.

I have not spoke out or talked to anyone really about March 5, that night was a huge learning lesson for me. It’s very uncomfortable for me to speak about it but its necessary for my healing and this will be last time I speak about it. Know need relive a moment that still is affecting Vince and myself. Here we go….

ACT ONE: The Incident

I left sober living on March 2 at that time I had already relapse in sober living and know one knew. I got my apartment keys on the 2^nd and I was on my way to my rock bottom. I was in a really bad place. My mind was filled with thoughts like Vince and I are done forever. Every person I consider a friend was gone. My family wasn’t in LA so I had no one to cry to. All I had was my infected mind, booze and a very thin sleeping topper from a bed. At the time I did not realize I was in that place because all the choices I made. Going to back up a bit, A few days before I had gotten drunk at Beer Belly and franks n hanks my frequent local bars close to my old apartment. I still had the keys to my old apartment so I was wasted and didn’t want to drive to my new apartment so in the middle of the night I decided to crash at my old place without Vince permission. I just missed home and want my old life back in selfish way. So I open the door crash on the couch and Vince was pissed! So pissed he took my keys away and I am glad he did…. So back to march 4, I went to yard house with a friend. I was pre drinking before we went to yard house. At yard house I had around 70 ounces of IPA Green Flash beer. My friend had to leave and I stayed behind. I got a call for a new job offer that I was so excited about so I called Vince to let him know and of course I sounded drunk and so he called me out. When I get drunk I turn into someone else, I blackout. I say horrible things to people and get very mean. I had never hit anyone and never acted out my threats. So we argued and I don’t remember much, drunk texting. Finally I decided to drive to Vince. Not sure why? all I know is I wanted to be on that couch. I get to the apartment and banged on the door and he wouldn’t answer, don’t remember what I said but it lasted for a while. I did make a threat saying I would bash his windows in. I also tried to get in from the window in the alley. So he didn’t answer and my drunken infected mind decided to pull the fire alarm so he had to get out. So I did. Vince never came out so it made even more drunkenly stupid So for the first time in my alcoholism I acted on my threat and keyed Vincent car. I then left home.

ACT TWO: Repercussions

The next day I woke up with this extreme guilt and shame I had never felt before. I did not speak to anyone the next couple of days expect Vince and his mother. If I did not loose Vince before I sure did then. My horrible decision put me in front a judge and got me a 3-year restraining order. I paid for the car to get fix and I still did not get it at the time. I continued to drink afterwards. I was still extremely heart broken, my mind was still infected with those negative thoughts and booze was the only consistent thing in my life at the time. This was my first break up and I didn’t know how to endure pain and to grief in a healthy way added with an addiction. Break ups and addiction are really hard to come out of at the same time. I went Amanda Bynes, Lohan, Brittney melt down crazy fueled by addiction.

FINAL ACT: Lesson

Now that I am sober I can look back and find a lesson in it all, I couldn’t at the time but I know in my heart everything had to happen to get me here at this moment writing.

I had to meet Vince to get me to LA and call me out on my mental disorder and shine a spotlight on my issue, show me real love, show me what life can be like, and to fight my battle because at the time I couldn’t. Vince at the time saw something in me, something great that I couldn’t see at the time. Buried under all my pain he saw a bright light. So he did everything he could so that light can shine out but vince fought so hard, he couldn’t anymore. I had to get caught drinking again so Vince can kick me out so I can end up in sober living because that’s were I found an AA called primetime that planted a seed in my mind that made me realize it was a mental disorder and body disorder called ISM. I had to get to my own place to hit rock bottom and to make a mistake so big that the universe took everything away so I had to evolve. I Caused the universe to take everything away because I did not want to start doing my work and living my truth. My choices caused all this to happen. The reason why I was in that dark place is because I allowed my mental disorder to take over my mind.

I now realize, my amazing family and friends never left, they have always been there but I AM THE ONE WHO ALLOWED MY MENTAL DISORDER TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I pushed them away. I have always been surrounded by love but was mentally incapable and disabled to see it, understand it, feel it, appreciate love, Nurture my love Vince; I wasn’t able to fully connect with friends, family. But this had to happen so I can truly learn how too. As a young kid growing up I was never given the tools to deal with life. I am not perfect now and don’t want to be I do however want to be whole and a better me. I will work really hard to achieve it. I cant go back in time and I am sure I have put a bad taste in peoples mouth but right now at this moment I cant focus on those people I can only focus on myself healing, staying sober, letting go and building relationships with the ones who are in my life now.

Vince I see the light now and it is shining so bright it causes tears of joy. I want you to know if it wasn’t for you and your love I would have died. I can now experience the life I have always deserved. The lesson is Sober is my new black. Everything I have ever needed was already inside of me waiting for me to see it, feel it and let it flow through me into the universe. Thanks ELF!

“Somewhere beyond right and wrong there is a garden, Ill meet you there”

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

Sober Is The New Black

Tag Archives: lesson

400 Days of Sober

Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

6 Months Sober: What I’ve Learned

DAY 19 Sober: A Drunken Encounter

Day 16 Sober: A Sober kid with a Broken heart