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March 30, 2015

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Day 310 Sober: Wonderful Unknowns

Hello Friends today is 310 days of sober. I am in a Café by the name of Iota in Korea town. It’s my favorite place it feels like home. As I was writing a man approached me, he was drinking and smelled of old stale beer. He was beyond drunk; he started talking about his life and how he wasn’t happy. In the beginning I was a bit annoyed because I needed to get some writing done but than I realized it was an opportunity to share my experience and maybe it can help. He seemed to be struggling with addiction. I saw “good” in him. I saw past his disorder. We all know the only person that can want to change is one self and he just didn’t seem opened to wanting it. Maybe he wasn’t ready for the work. I hope one day he finds that peace in sobriety.

This weekend Family came down to visit. We had a blast going to Bookstores, spa, ate some amazing foods and had great conversation. The more days fly on and months go by. The easier it is to stay sober. I’m cant even remember the old me and I’m madly in love with getting to know the new me. Every part of my life is flowing wonderfully Sober is my new black. Sober is the best thing I have worn in my life. Substance abuse was a symptom to my inner turmoil of past pain that was never healed. I did not have the proper understanding or tools to heal.

I am coming up on a year sober. This year has been the most difficult but the most rewarding. It was like a rebirth, new beginning born from a heartbroken and dark end. Sobriety is number one and the rest follows because without sobriety I have nothing. The only thing I know about my future is my lips will never taste a whiskey kiss again after that I am not sure were my life is headed. The wonderful unknowns are a beautiful thing So much possibility, so much room for growth.

I know one-day I will have a love in my life that I will share a home with, watching each other grow inside and out. Seeing each other make mistakes and learn, building a bond so tight no outside influence can break it because I believe in love and will work my butt off for it. I now know how to build a healthy Relationship. It all starts with a healthy relationship with myself. For me love is the most important thing in my life, saying I love you and feeling love for someone isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is how you show your love to that one. Listening, compassion, giving advice when asked, loving unconditional because we all have ups and downs within our self’s and sometimes one of us needs to be that rock so the other can Break. Sober is the New Black

I’m in the process of finding a bigger place for myself. I’m out growing my apartment and need to create a space in my home for my writing. A little corner filled with some inspiration. Looking to move away from downtown LA, not really inspired their, maybe closer to Hollywood or the Westside.

Here some poems I’ve written the passed couple of days,The first one is about dreams I’ve been dreaming lately.

This one is about when i find that love, building a relationship on life journey

This one is about finding life beauty with are 5 senses

This one is about rewriting a new life away from past haze

Brandon flowers just released a new video called Can’t Deny my love staring Evan Rachel Wood. This video is very symbolic to my journey into my sobriety. Leaving and walking into the unknown, learning and healing. Hope you enjoy it.

Sober is the New Black

Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

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March 4, 2015

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DAY 284 Sober: Why Would I choose to be an Addict?

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DAY 284 Sober: Why Would I choose to be an Addict?

Hello Friends, Today is day 284 sober. I was visiting family in Bakersfield CA this past weekend. Every time I’m in Bakersfield, it’s like a great therapy session. Talking for hours with my aunts and stepmother. It’s great hearing them share their wisdom in life. Sometimes I think I am doing great and then his name spoken or an incident brought up from the past and my mind starts to go and go and go and go. I was a bit in a funk the first night there that lead into the next day. I have some hurt feelings still from my past relationship that I need to heal. I am aware there is no reason for these hurt feelings, he did nothing to hurt me. He came back into my life after I got sober and we tired to see where we both fit in each other life. My feelings came back strong and It was his choice to not work things out. I worked so hard those months without him in my life, becoming strong, letting go only to become vulnerable, opening my heart up once more only to get hurt again. It wasn’t his fault and he was also confused. It’s been months and months since this happened and yet I still find myself being woken up with vivid dreams, some good and some hurtful. Sometimes those dreams bleed into the day and I try and try to shake them off but the only way for me to feel better is to cry and write.

Afterwards I was back to day one at failed attempt at love. What was also hard was this time I was sober in recovery and had a chance to really be the man I knew I was but being sober could not render that hopeful dream. Sobriety can’t amend others perception of me it seems. Some family members think that addiction is a choice I made. Why would I choose to be an Addict? I guess their minds aren’t opened up enough to realize that the pain i caused was symptoms of the mind disorder called addiction. Yes its my choice not to drink but making choices when you are in the midst of a suffering addict, those choices are not my own they are the Addiction. People might see it as an excuse or a cop out but I take full responsibility for my actions. I cant explain or give reasons for a person that is no longer me.

People who know me personally know that I am a bit Naive, air head, foodie, loves to laugh, loves to love, loves to sleep past noon, dislike morning hikes, Always say ” If that makes sense” That’s who I am, When I would drink Alcohol I made scenes, very jealous, cry all the time, get offended, say the most hateful things, blackout, those are the symptoms.

The real me wakes up the next the day, feeling guilty, shame, hurt, hating myself. I tell myself I will never drink but that mind voice or addiction starts talking to me telling me to use. I did not have the proper tools to quiet that voice. Addiction is like living with two self’s. Some of the family members can relate to my EX because they have been in a relationship with someone who suffered with addiction. My family loves him and still wants him to be apart of our family, which is something I need to find peace with. I love his family as well but need him completely out of my life at the moment so I can heal from open wounds. It’s been over a year since we broke up but a few months after I got sober we reconnected. Not sure if the hurt feelings are from missing him in my life or him not wanting me in his life all the time but I need him out, ugh sounds confusing.

It’s my issue to figure out, I have to remind myself I wouldn’t be here today sober with a strong foundation if it wasn’t for that breakup. I want to love again and be in love but I have to clear my eyes from the past so I can see love with a clean slate and not with fear. Not sure if I could ever love like I did but I know I will love smarter and make better decisions. I will never give up on loving someone and I hope one day I can love even greater. Sober is the New Black.

If there is anyone in love with some who is suffering from addiction knows you will lose yourself trying to save them. The addiction becomes so huge consuming the relationship. My ex was never able to really deal with his issues because mine were overpowering. One day at a time. Sober is the New Black. I am not my drunken stumbles or the shame of causing pain to others but I am the person getting up everyday fighting to be a better me, whole and happy. Today I will sit and write and weep.

New gold Frames

Kate Nash Merry Happy is the perfect song for today.

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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February 13, 2015

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Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

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Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

Today is Day 265 sober; it’s been such a wonderful day. Tomorrow is valentine’s days. Last year I was in a sober facility in the valley trying to stay sober with a broken heart. I was confused, but I knew I wanted to be sober, but I relapsed a short time after because I did not know how to stop and I wasn’t at my bottom. When I look back I feel bad for my old self. I was trying to keep all together, just got out of 3-year relationship, Losing love was more difficult than staying sober. I had really nowhere to go, lost, scared and felt very defeated in life. I disliked myself in every way. Swimming in a river of guilt. Lonely to the extreme.

I now sit here in tears because I’ve come so far in my recovery; life is great in every aspect of my life. My rent is paid for the rest of the year. I am taking 5 months off of work to write, rewrite and live like a traveling nomad. Started investing in mutual funds for the future. Working on my book that will be finish in April 2015 I am still not the person I want to be but I will continue on in sobriety. I want to be more compassionate to others, less attach to material things, let go of needs, pray more, write more, live in the moment more, help others whether in service or poetry, surround myself with only positive and mindful people, take some creative writing class. So those are my short-term goals. I am also very inspired by dark and gritty might be from my past. I love using it in my writings. I do have some dark writings I’ve been working on; I don’t want to alarm people so I might just post them on Instagram and facebook. You can follow me at http://instagram.com/soberwriter

This valentine’s day I’ll be spending it with an incredible man who wants to take me on a date, excited and a bit nervous. Sober is the New Black. I hope you all have a wonderful Valentines day and know the most important love is for oneself.

These are some of the latest poems I cooked up

Me at day 264 Sober

Lykke Li is one incredible artist, writer and performer. Her music inspires me to feel, weep and heal. I hope you love this visually striking video

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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February 3, 2015

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DAY 255 Sober: Surrendering

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DAY 255 Sober: Surrendering

Hello Friends today is day 255 sober, the past few days have been really chill. Love waking up without hangover aches or guilt deep in my heart. Even if I wake up a bit down, I know I can control how I feel by seeing the positive in life, I just have to choose how long I want to feel down for.

One of the best parts of sobriety is the surrendering, I no longer have to carry all those heavy burdens I’ve carried for 28 years, I just let everything go. I don’t have any anger or hate for anyone. No grievances from the past. My past addiction was made up of a few things, childhood trauma, fear, and having a family full of untreated addicts. I remember being at the age of 4 sneaking into my stepfather bedroom dresser, looking for his pipe sucking on it pretending to smoke. I loved the taste of the weed resin. My stepfather and brother would take car rides and he would blow weed smoke in our face eventually at the age of 15 I experienced my first high that was weed, that turn into cocaine that turn into alcohol. I switch addiction once the substance I was using become deadly or just not fun anymore. I didn’t realize I was an addict until alcohol came into my life. I switch addiction also because I didn’t realize I was using to cope with my past. Numbing myself from reality.

Now the fear part, I was terrified of everything growing up, scared of wind, heights, mountains, and food, scared of people etc. In elementary school there was a couple of years where I wouldn’t eat because I was afraid of choking, my parents should have put me in the hospital but I eventually got over that fear. I was stick and bones. Growing up I was never taught how to connect with humans in a correct and beautiful way (Reason my previous relationship didn’t work) Now that I am sober and healing I am finding and seeing love in everybody I come into contact with. We are all flawed humans trying to connect with others. My Flaw just happens to be a disorder called addiction.

This past couple of day’s I realized my childhood wasn’t bad at all actually it was the universe preparing me at a very young age, In the process of finding out what the preparation was for. Sober is the New Black.

Aloe Blacc is one of my favorite modern day soul singer, so inspiring and very handsome as well. hope you enjoy green lights. Check out his album Good Things

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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January 10, 2015

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DAY 232 Sober: Macklemore

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DAY 232 Sober: Macklemore

Hello Friends today Is day 232 sober, sitting in a café on a rainy day is perfection. On the patio watching the rain clean the streets from rusty dirt. I am a film buff and I’ve been living in theaters the past two weeks. Just in time for the Golden Globes this Sunday. One of my long-term goals is to one-day work in the film industries. One dream at a time.

I admire and love people who are an advocate for sobriety. Ben Haggerty from Macklemore is one of those. His music, lyrics, and vocal-ness about his past addiction, is very inspiring. Not only can you detach from the substance and find life again but you can also achieve unimaginable dreams that once seemed so foreign while using. He inspires me to keep reaching for my dreams.

I’ve relapsed, a bunch of times in the past but my heart always wanted to be free from Alcohol, but I just didn’t know how. Relapses are very common in addiction and the beauty in that are the lesson when you look back. If there is anyone out there that relapse it’s ok there so much strength in starting over, walk down different streets, separate yourself from everything that might trigger you until you are strong enough. I am one drink away from death is what I tell myself and when I need reminding. I am so grateful I have only had one craving in this recovery. An Alcoholic craving a beer happens, and you shouldn’t get scared. Push through with clearing your mind, with prayer, meditation, books, online speakers, or meetings. Whatever works for you, when I was getting sober in the past, I would sit in a parking lot listening to a warrior by the name of Astrid Howe, and hearing her words over and over again until I left the parking lot believing in sobriety. Sober is the New Black.

The link below is an interview Ben Haggerty did with MTV recently. I hope his words resonate with someone it did with me. I am so grateful for sobriety, my readers and for life.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/?id=1721485

THESE SONGS BELOW ARE FROM MACKLEMORE, IT’S NEVER TO LATE TO BE THAT PERSON YOU DREAM. Start over.

I wrote a few minutes ago and I can’t stop crying. There is some more healing to be done inside my heart when it comes to forgiving the hurt I have caused. Sometimes I feel when people find out I am in recovery all they see, is an addict as opposed to a human healing from a mind disorder. Plenty of doors have closed due to my battle. Lost tons of friends at a time when I needed them the most. It feels great to cry and opening the soul so you can heal. I hope this poem opens up family and friends eyes to understanding what goes on in a loved one who might be suffering.

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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January 8, 2015

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DAY 230 Sober: Pink Cloud

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DAY 230 Sober: Pink Cloud

Hello Friends today is day 230 sober, I’ve been a bit under the weather but feeling a lot better. I am noticing not just my mind changing but also my body. When I was using had really dry skin turning into rashes, Feeling tired, overweight, discoloration on parts of my skin, some vision issues, acid reflux are just some of the body symptoms from long-term alcohol abuse. The body heals itself when you put the right vitamins in the body.

What’s most rewarding is the mind detoxing and becoming very clear. I can now embrace life, people in recovery talk about a pink cloud phase. So far the pink cloud has last beyond 7 months, maybe because I allowed my pink cloud to expand allowing me to feel human. I don’t miss drinking one bit or my old surroundings. I was beyond stagnant, to the point of death. I had a moment of becoming self-aware, but work took me to this place of peace. It took a bit of time and I still have a ways to go but I know without a doubt life becomes a life once you detach from substance, ego and past.

Feeling anything at all sober is such a beautiful thing. Writing has consumed my life for the past 7 months and I love it. I realized I needed to become friends with a word called “Balance”. Still learning about creating a healthy balance between writing and being out in the world. I am an introvert and it’s not a bad thing. It can hinder my ability to make friends but also gives me time with myself to reflect. Every day, I’m evolving so who I am today will not be the same a year from now. I don’t ever want to stop, expanding my purpose and my mind. Everything looks so bright from the light shining in from a window. To the moon, in the night, inspired by sobriety. Letting my inner light guide my mind and I. Sober is the new Black.

This song From Vance joy is such a lovely song, every word rings true to my heart. Vance joy First time.

These poems below are all from the heart the last couple of days. About love lost and about finding beauty in hard times. I hope they can inspire someone who might be suffering to find the beauty in it.

This photo below is me, when I was using and me today day 230 sober.

Sober is the new black

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez.

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December 31, 2014

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DAY 221 Sober: Life Changing year in Review

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DAY 221 Sober: Life Changing year in Review

Hello Friends, Today is day 221 sober. Hope you all are having a wonderful new years eve. The last day of 2014, No cravings for that old and wasted nightlife. This past year has been a life-changing year. The year started out in a very dark place, losing love and friends, in and out of sober facility’s, courts rooms, body feeling long-term abuse of alcoholism, no purpose or direction. To now sitting in a café, writing sober with a book in the works. Sober is the New Black started out as me documenting my day-to-day struggles, I would have never thought it would evolve to being seen in over 88 countries. Beyond grateful for all the readers that have inspired my heart. I feel so much love it’s indescribable. Now all I want to do is help others who may be struggling or know someone who is struggling. I found a new love for poetry. I’m able to reflect back on my growth.

As I write, I am in tears because I know how hard this year has been but also the most rewarding. I am madly in love with sobriety. Feeling human again, dreaming dreams like I did as a child. Feeling happy, joy and peace but also sad at times but that means I am alive and for that I am so grateful.

When, I was using I did have lots of love around me but the disorder blinded me. I can now see love, but also I feel it inside for others but more importantly for myself. It’s in every cell of my body. No matter how dark my surroundings are light will shine through. It is possible to go from Rock bottom to living dreams in one year. Anything is possible once you start clearing your mind and body from the substance and start listening inwards and healing. Watching the mind disorder in the form of thoughts and eventually it will be so quiet, it’s almost non-existent. Sober is the new black. I don’t usually make new years resolution, not in my DNA, but I will say this coming year will consist of my staying sober and healing. Working on long-term goals.

Who knows Sober is the New Black might end up on the silver screen? Wink-wink. I will continue writing poetry, Finding myself and living my truth. See you next year!

Here are some of my last poems of 2014

This year hands down SIA Album 1000 fears forms of fear has inspired my life. Sia Chandelier is about Addiction.

Here are some of the lyrics.

But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink

Throw ’em back ’til I lose count.

The video is a bit haunting. I see it as a younger self that hasn’t healed or A younger SIA that has been through a hard childhood dealing with Alcohol to cope. Sober is the New Black.

stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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December 27, 2014

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DAY 217 Sober: Symphony poem

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DAY 217 Sober: Symphony poem

Sober is the new black,

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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December 26, 2014

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DAY 216 Sober: Meeting with my father

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DAY 216 Sober: Meeting with my father

Hello friends today is Day 216 sober, hope everybody enjoyed their Christmas near and far. This week has been really great. Seeing all my loved ones and enjoying their comforting voices made this the Best Christmas thus far, being clear minded and focus, helps me not crave during the holidays. No longer living for instant gratifications so I can work towards long-term gratifications, much more rewarding.

I was able to meet with my father. I was a bit nervous but knew it was important and necessary for my healing. On the drive to his house, I felt a bit nausea. As I got closer I started second guessing myself and felt my heart pounding as I walked to the door. I was hoping it would just be him and I, but my grandma opened the door. I was excited to see her, I don’t visit that much and she is getting older. My father was resting but came out and gave me a hug. We sat and talked for about an hour. Not really about the past, just about today and how we are both doing. My father is a strong man who had a hard life at a very young age. His father was an alcoholic and was never really around until late in his life. Addiction runs in the family.

I can still see he has some anger issues but now that my mind is clear I can see past his issues and accept him whole. As I want others to do for me. He has a very short temper and it showed up in the meeting, not towards me but I realized that’s his issue and it has nothing to do with me. That helped me not feel any emotions to his temper. I just sat there and listen. It’s huge progress in my recovery forgiving and letting go so I can move forward in my life without resentment, hurt and anger for my father. I did not get a clear answer on why my father used and why he did the things he did. What I do know is he battles with addiction and he does love me in his own way. I don’t think my father was taught how to love and care for children. He started working very young and the man he consider a father figure past in his twenties. After he lost his uncle (father Figure) my dad started using drugs and alcohol. Not one hundred percent sure but that’s my take on it.

In the past, I would get angry and hurt when he would get short tempered but I will no longer let his issue become mine or ruin my day. He’s also difficult to talk to at times because he is a bit old fashioned and never wrong. Most of our conversations tend to be him lecturing me and when I give my opinion it seems to frustrate him a bit. I guess we both have egos that need to be in check. Feeling free from childhood wounds is a great feeling; those wounds are now titanium that will help me get through future obstacles. I have earned my wounds for a reason I am now beginning to understand. I can inspire and create art. My aunt told me last night that my father was also a writer and love to read under trees but had to work and provided for his family since he was the man of the house. My dad never became a writer but maybe I can live this dream for the both us. My childhood made me resilient in a way, able to deal with life on life terms. Clean and Strong, what a beautiful thing, Sober is the new black