1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 66 Sober: Creating Clear Boundaries

Hello friends today is day 66 sober and it’s been such an amazing day so far. I am currently sitting outside on a bench, it’s a warm but overall beautiful. After watching yesterday post on forgiveness. I felt a weight lift off my back from The wrongs I have done and the wrongs others have done to me. Not that those things are ok but accepting that those things had happen and just let them be. Not beat myself over it in the moment and not hoping or wishing that the past could have been done any different. Such a powerful video.

 

What I learn is I need to create clear boundaries with certain people in my life including my parents. I never really had boundaries for myself. I would let people do what they want to me whether its being bullied or in relationship. I’ve been cheated on and I allowed myself to allow him to hurt me. It all comes back to me, yes he cheated but I allowed it to go on so it’s really my fault know one else. Yes it hurt but pain is part of life , I choose how long i want to suffer. The more i write down these things the more i realize how many people in my life don’t really know the life i walked including vince. we never went in depth.  It feels god to let these out. 

 

Today I choose what kind of relationship I want to have with my parents if any. When I was a kid I didn’t have a choice but now that I am older I can create clear boundaries, so they cant hurt me or anyone for that matter. I was never thought self respect and boundaries at a young age, only until now do I understand what that means. I know I could never live with my parents again or be around them for longer periods of time. I know that the minute I find someone cheating on me I am out the door. One of my EXS back in the desert was very cold and treated me really bad and I stayed. All I wanted was to be love I didn’t care how bad he treated me. I am starting to write down my teen years and will post shortly. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for creating boundaries, for love, and for you guys who take time to read my post.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

Leela James cover of Sam cooke “A change is gonna come” is the soundtrack to my life. Its just breathtaking

DAY 21 Sober: My Parents

Hello friends today is day 21 sober and I am having such an amazing time.  It feels good to be in the desert surrounded by loved ones. Yesterday I went to my brother graduation. It was a beautiful night. Every time I come back home there is a certain smell that I am in love with. I saw my father and I was kind of nervous at first but it went well I gave him a hug and he said he loved me, which felt good. I know its not an over night process but eventually I would love him in my life.  Last time I was here, 7 months ago my father and myself both were drinking and he got in my face wanting to fight me because I spoke up on how I felt. With my father in the past he is always right and you cannot have an opinion. Also my parents; I felt had always put their partners before their children wellbeing.  My Father getting in my face brought me back to my childhood that scared and hurt little boy.  After that day I promised myself that I would not allow anyone including my parents make me feel that way again and I also promise myself that I would Never be in his presence. That was a bit unrealistic seeing he will always be in my brother’s life. After the graduation we went to dinner and there was some drinking and I did not have a physical craving for booze! I did not focus on my dad I focus most of my energy on my brothers, aunts, and stepmother and enjoy each moment laughing.

 

 Every time I am in the Desert I try and get a tattoo. I want to celebrate getting sober with a gift for myself so I feel like a tattoo will do. Not sure what. I have a few ideas, ill decided a bit later. I want to make this a healing trip. When I was with my father I did not have any uneasy feelings except the beginning, which past quickly that felt really good. I also need to make time for my mother. My Mother wants to be in my life and makes more of an effort. For me to heal is to forgive and to forgive is to go in with an open mind and heart. I feel like my parents are not born with the intention to hurt their kids. Something probably happen to them as a child that I am unaware of and because of that they made choices that affect are lives but anyone can change if they want to.

My parents did the best they can with their mental state. I am unaware if my parents had loved ones call them out and try to create an intervention in the beginning of their disorder.  I am lucky I had loved ones call me out on my alcoholic disorder and helped me see it. I hope my parents read this and know that its possible to change and change can be scary, lonely and hard at first but once you are open to accepting the truth, watch your thoughts and surrender. Life is so amazing and there is so much possibility with in them that shines so bright. I love you mom and dad. I will be here waiting when you are ready and if that day never comes that’s ok, my love for you wont fade. If anything my love is greater now that I am also going through my own alcoholic disorder. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself! 

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo