Hello friends, today is day 327 sober. I’ve been under the weather with a cold. While having the cold I got food poisoning. The worst. Today is the first day I have the strength to write. The whole time I was sick I wanted to recover quickly so I can get back to sober is the new black. Writing helps me self reflect. When I’m not writing I feel stagnate, stuck and without a purpose. Just floating through life without really living.
When I was an active addict I was obsessed with Amy Winehouse, her music was so raw and in a way very rebellious. At the time I wasn’t aware I was an addict. I knew I would drink in abundance, was in a dark place. I wasn’t aware that everything that was going wrong in my life was due to substance abuse. The universe kept giving me signs with every car I crashed, with every friend I lost, with every fight that happen. I connected with Amy Winehouse music on so many levels. Now that I’m sober I still love her music but now my perception of her and her music has changed. I see an artist that was suffering, trying to find herself through her music. Lost and a bit disheveled not rebellious. Her behavior, which seemed reckless at times, was just a symptom from the mind and body disease. I feel a bit sad she was never able to overcome her addiction . Her music will live on and her life can be a lesson “addiction doesn’t discriminate; rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight”. If I kept on being an active addict it would have put me six feet under. I am so grateful for the awareness sobriety has brought me. When she past I was in complete shock, that day i felt a bit heavy with sadness. Even after her death i kept on using not seeing Amy tragic end as a lesson or wake up call.
When I was in my early 20’s I would never look towards the future. I was only looking for the next instant gratification which was getting high, buzz, getting off, money, shoes Etc. I didn’t care about the future or long-term goals because I didn’t think I was capable of anything great. My mind would feed me False lies from a dark past. It was so easy using my dark past as an excuse for my behaviors and habits. My infected mind wouldn’t allow me to see possibility, a great future, happiness, love, self worth. It kept feeding, past hurts, childhood stories, false self.
Just because one is sober the mind still can feed those negative stories but once you find a program that works and start healing. Those negative stories become strength. I now can go back, reflect and speak about my past without feeling hurt or anger towards them. It gets easier separating me from the mind and body disease. Catching those negative stories. Shutting it down in seconds. Sober is the New Black.
A new Documentary coming out this summer called Amy is about the rise and fall of Amy Winehouse. Opening our eyes to the real Amy. She was not her addiction. She was something greater.
One of my favorite performances from Amy is so raw you can feel every word in her voice.
No matter how dark the night, or how bad you feel. The sun will rise and a new day will shine.
We are all different and have unique qualities. making us perfect and one of a kind.
When I was a child, I wanted to fly away to a new life far from the one I had. I was lonely, abused, hurt and did not trust anyone. I know there might be other kids running away. When they are stronger and ready to come home. love will embrace them.
I’m very grateful for knowing and feeling true love.
There will be times when life gets hard, people that we love will pass. We cant give up or forget who we are in the chaos of life
There are times when i lay in bed thinking I could have reacted better or done that better but when i lay in bed knowing i was the best me. That’s when i feel most beautiful inside and out.
once you heal and let go. happiness, joy, gratefulness, compassion will grow
I wrote this about my past addiction switching from cocaine to Alcohol
We all have moments of connecting with others. Whether its love or lust, I will not let my mind close me off to love. Or have expectations of love. Just be in the moment and enjoy their company.
In the past i would let my circumstances dictate how i acted and saw the world. My life at the time define every part of me but i realized i am not my circumstances, I will create my life starting with my thoughts. When I change the way I look at things. The things I look at change.
Helping and Inspiring others is the greatest feeling of all
Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.
I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.
Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black
The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others
The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.
Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything
We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO
We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of
Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity
Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace
Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.
I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.
Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry
Hello Friends today is 310 days of sober. I am in a Café by the name of Iota in Korea town. It’s my favorite place it feels like home. As I was writing a man approached me, he was drinking and smelled of old stale beer. He was beyond drunk; he started talking about his life and how he wasn’t happy. In the beginning I was a bit annoyed because I needed to get some writing done but than I realized it was an opportunity to share my experience and maybe it can help. He seemed to be struggling with addiction. I saw “good” in him. I saw past his disorder. We all know the only person that can want to change is one self and he just didn’t seem opened to wanting it. Maybe he wasn’t ready for the work. I hope one day he finds that peace in sobriety.
This weekend Family came down to visit. We had a blast going to Bookstores, spa, ate some amazing foods and had great conversation. The more days fly on and months go by. The easier it is to stay sober. I’m cant even remember the old me and I’m madly in love with getting to know the new me. Every part of my life is flowing wonderfully Sober is my new black. Sober is the best thing I have worn in my life. Substance abuse was a symptom to my inner turmoil of past pain that was never healed. I did not have the proper understanding or tools to heal.
I am coming up on a year sober. This year has been the most difficult but the most rewarding. It was like a rebirth, new beginning born from a heartbroken and dark end. Sobriety is number one and the rest follows because without sobriety I have nothing. The only thing I know about my future is my lips will never taste a whiskey kiss again after that I am not sure were my life is headed. The wonderful unknowns are a beautiful thing So much possibility, so much room for growth.
I know one-day I will have a love in my life that I will share a home with, watching each other grow inside and out. Seeing each other make mistakes and learn, building a bond so tight no outside influence can break it because I believe in love and will work my butt off for it. I now know how to build a healthy Relationship. It all starts with a healthy relationship with myself. For me love is the most important thing in my life, saying I love you and feeling love for someone isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is how you show your love to that one. Listening, compassion, giving advice when asked, loving unconditional because we all have ups and downs within our self’s and sometimes one of us needs to be that rock so the other can Break. Sober is the New Black
I’m in the process of finding a bigger place for myself. I’m out growing my apartment and need to create a space in my home for my writing. A little corner filled with some inspiration. Looking to move away from downtown LA, not really inspired their, maybe closer to Hollywood or the Westside.
Here some poems I’ve written the passed couple of days,The first one is about dreams I’ve been dreaming lately.
This one is about when i find that love, building a relationship on life journey
This one is about finding life beauty with are 5 senses
This one is about rewriting a new life away from past haze
Brandon flowers just released a new video called Can’t Deny my love staring Evan Rachel Wood. This video is very symbolic to my journey into my sobriety. Leaving and walking into the unknown, learning and healing. Hope you enjoy it.
Hello Friends today is 10 months sober. It seems I had to learn most lessons the hard way. I think the reason is growing up I had no example or foundation. No teacher teaching me love, self worth or encouragement. When I first learned how to ride a bike I was six. It was a teenager bike with no helmet. My butt couldn’t touch the seat because my feet had to reach the pedals. I kept falling, crashing, cutting up my legs but I was determined so I kept getting back up. Eventually I got the hang of it.
I really wanted to learn how to ride a bike but did not have the proper tools like a bike for my age, helmet, knee pads or parents outside helping me but I knew I wanted to ride. After being bruised, hurt, bleeding. I finally LEARNED how to ride my bike. It took days but I was determined. The reason why this story is so profound is I took this learning into my adult life “Learning the hard way”
I was never taught how to receive or give love , or how to be a great friend. I was just trying to survive. I wanted to love but my actions never met how I felt. Every person I would meet I thought would eventually hurt me. My parents were suppose to protect me and teach me how to be a man but instead they abused me in more than one way. When I turned 15, I went out on my own without any tools.
I now have the proper tools so I don’t have to learn the hard way in some aspects of my life. When I was 6, if I had a bike my size,training wheels and parents teaching me. I would have learned a softer way.
Now In my adult life my training wheels will be hope/faith and my helmet/protection will be the high power that lives in me. What will help me get back up, guiding me will be my sobriety. I might still learn the hard way with some stuff but I am willing to learn and I know my falls won’t be as hard because of my clean and sober mind.
Ill be traveling to Seattle in at the end of April, very excited for this trip. One of many in the works. I hope to meet some of my readers of sober are the new black. I’ve had some readers approach me in public, letting me know they are reading, following and that it helps them self reflect. It sometimes hard for me to comprehend that I can help someone in his or her sobriety.It brings me so much joy and tears. so grateful . When I started the blog it was just I documenting my struggles but I realized it turn into something bigger and I am very grateful.
Macklemore is a huge inspiration to millions. Their music touch my heart in so many ways. Today I got an email from Macklemore and his company congratulating me on my 300 days of sober. Right now he is working on his new album. Can’t wait for it to come out. The videos below are some his songs talking about Ben Haggerty addiction and recovery. I love hearing others speak out about their addiction and recovery. Someone will here those words that might save their life.
Here some of my poems i have written in past couple of days
Hello Friends today is day 295 sober. I just got to my favorite café in Korea town, this blog was started in k-town and I am sure one-day end in k-town. I am in my nine months sober and this month has been amazing but also a bit confusing. This month I have felt a lack of inspiration, my work season will be ending soon and I will have a few months of to do whatever I pleased.
Not sure were the lack of inspiration is coming from but it might have to do with me feeling my life isn’t were I thought it would be. Even with the lack of inspiration in my nine months I still did not have a craving for substance. The way I’m programming my mind is to always see the silver lining. 9 months is a huge deal but isn’t that long to have created a whole new life. I’ve been an addict most of my life so I can’t expect 9 months sober to change over 15 years of substance abuse. I just have to stay sober and work my shit out. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what I have accomplished so far. Last year around this time I was in court due to my mind disorder. So looking back helps me see that every part of my life is going great without booze. Lately some negative thoughts have been creeping up in my mind and not in the form of wanting to use but in the way I see others and myself. I am happy to be aware of it so I can change the tune of that voice. I need to read more and hangout with my in light or others call it GOD. Its ok, to feel not feel ok. I just cant live in it and change whatever it is that’s is making feel not ok.
I’ve been traveling a lot and it’s been amazing. This coming weekend ill be headed out to Nevada. Very excited for that going for a concert. I am planning a month trip somewhere once my work season is complete. The season starts back up in August so ill have around 4 months off to write and work on sober is the new black.
I have always been a bit of an introvert and would rather sit and write or watch film than be out socializing. That is something I need to be working on. Lately I’ve been meeting some cool people, new friends and learning how to build healthy relationships. In the past if a friend offended me or did something that didn’t sit well with my ego I would cut them off. I didn’t realize any kind of relationship whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or family takes work to build a strong friendship. Like listening without ego, spending time, showing love in the form of actions not just words, making an effort etc. All relationships go up and down just grateful to have a clean mind to work it out.
I just want to stop losing people I love. I think the more I am sober the less likely people will leave my life and more likely stay. Sober is the new black.
Here are some poems that I have written the past few days, hope you enjoy some of these raw feelings
Completely not me from Jenny Lewis lyrics sing true to my heart. hope you enjoy it as well.
Hello Friends, today is day 290 sober. I just got back to Palm Springs from Las Vegas, Nevada. The home of sins, neon lights booze and gambling. Traveling is one of the joys of my life, seeing new things with clean eyes. Beyond grateful that I am able to have wonderful opportunities that allow me to travel, Every time I’m in Palm Springs CA its hard to leave and say goodbye to loved ones. I find myself not missing LA, maybe its just me being in the moment and taking in each day as if was my last.
My stepmother/ best friend joined me on this trip. We are both huge “The killers” fans and the lead singer of the band coming out with his second solo album. The show was at a venue called “Bunkhouse”. The first time I seen “The killers” was 10 years ago in Vegas. My stepmother was the age I am now. It feels really amazing to be here in a better state of mind, I did gamble a bit won a hundred bucks. The last time I was in Las Vegas was six years ago. At the time I was still drinking and in a bad place mentally. No purpose and floating through life without really living it. Don’t remember much about that experience but I know it involved me binge drinking. As a child I disliked the atmosphere but as I got older I learned to fall in love with the sin city.
Unfortunately a couple of hours before the venue opened we all got the news Brandon Flowers had to cancel the show due to illness. I traveled a long way with lack of sleep. I was so excited only to not see him. I can’t control life but I can choose to be devastated, hurt and angry or I can see the sliver lining. How blessed I am to be able to afford wonderful trips with my stepmother. Yes I was not able to see Brandon flowers but I was able to create amazing memories see friends back home, eat great food, laughing all the way and a little debauchery in gambling. Sliver linings are beautiful it brings me back to my soul and a place of gratefulness.
I’ll be heading back to Los Angeles in a few hrs. Back to work Tomorrow. Sober is the New Black.
This video of Brandon Flowers is perfection “only the young”. Hope you enjoy
Hello Friends, Today is day 284 sober. I was visiting family in Bakersfield CA this past weekend. Every time I’m in Bakersfield, it’s like a great therapy session. Talking for hours with my aunts and stepmother. It’s great hearing them share their wisdom in life. Sometimes I think I am doing great and then his name spoken or an incident brought up from the past and my mind starts to go and go and go and go. I was a bit in a funk the first night there that lead into the next day. I have some hurt feelings still from my past relationship that I need to heal. I am aware there is no reason for these hurt feelings, he did nothing to hurt me. He came back into my life after I got sober and we tired to see where we both fit in each other life. My feelings came back strong and It was his choice to not work things out. I worked so hard those months without him in my life, becoming strong, letting go only to become vulnerable, opening my heart up once more only to get hurt again. It wasn’t his fault and he was also confused. It’s been months and months since this happened and yet I still find myself being woken up with vivid dreams, some good and some hurtful. Sometimes those dreams bleed into the day and I try and try to shake them off but the only way for me to feel better is to cry and write.
Afterwards I was back to day one at failed attempt at love. What was also hard was this time I was sober in recovery and had a chance to really be the man I knew I was but being sober could not render that hopeful dream. Sobriety can’t amend others perception of me it seems. Some family members think that addiction is a choice I made. Why would I choose to be an Addict? I guess their minds aren’t opened up enough to realize that the pain i caused was symptoms of the mind disorder called addiction. Yes its my choice not to drink but making choices when you are in the midst of a suffering addict, those choices are not my own they are the Addiction. People might see it as an excuse or a cop out but I take full responsibility for my actions. I cant explain or give reasons for a person that is no longer me.
People who know me personally know that I am a bit Naive, air head, foodie, loves to laugh, loves to love, loves to sleep past noon, dislike morning hikes, Always say ” If that makes sense” That’s who I am, When I would drink Alcohol I made scenes, very jealous, cry all the time, get offended, say the most hateful things, blackout, those are the symptoms.
The real me wakes up the next the day, feeling guilty, shame, hurt, hating myself. I tell myself I will never drink but that mind voice or addiction starts talking to me telling me to use. I did not have the proper tools to quiet that voice. Addiction is like living with two self’s. Some of the family members can relate to my EX because they have been in a relationship with someone who suffered with addiction. My family loves him and still wants him to be apart of our family, which is something I need to find peace with. I love his family as well but need him completely out of my life at the moment so I can heal from open wounds. It’s been over a year since we broke up but a few months after I got sober we reconnected. Not sure if the hurt feelings are from missing him in my life or him not wanting me in his life all the time but I need him out, ugh sounds confusing.
It’s my issue to figure out, I have to remind myself I wouldn’t be here today sober with a strong foundation if it wasn’t for that breakup. I want to love again and be in love but I have to clear my eyes from the past so I can see love with a clean slate and not with fear. Not sure if I could ever love like I did but I know I will love smarter and make better decisions. I will never give up on loving someone and I hope one day I can love even greater. Sober is the New Black.
If there is anyone in love with some who is suffering from addiction knows you will lose yourself trying to save them. The addiction becomes so huge consuming the relationship. My ex was never able to really deal with his issues because mine were overpowering. One day at a time. Sober is the New Black. I am not my drunken stumbles or the shame of causing pain to others but I am the person getting up everyday fighting to be a better me, whole and happy. Today I will sit and write and weep.
New gold Frames
Kate Nash Merry Happy is the perfect song for today.
Hello friends today is 9 months sober. I just back from my vacation from palm spring California. I am in tears, every time I hit a milestone date like 9 months sober I get emotional. I never thought I would ever get this far. This is the longest I’ve been sober in 10 years. I am so grateful for life and for living with a clean mind.
Today I will celebrate with a wonderful dinner with someone very special. On my vacation, I went to a club and dance the night away, I did not having a craving. This year I will be thirty and so happy that I was able to have that spiritual Awakening before I hit the big 30. I saw a bunch of my family when I was back home, now that I am clean I now see the love that surrounds me. When I was using I was blind and thought it was me against the world but the reality was the world was on my side even when I did not believe. I had so much love and support. I feel it now with every part of my skin and soul. It sometimes gets hard leaving the ones I love, life goes fast and grandparents get older. I want to spend as much time with my loved ones, and get to know them better-becoming friend’s as well as family.
Life will get tough at some points in my recovery but having a clean mind so I can make the next right move is all I need. Lately I’ve been very chill and sometimes that can lead to me being complacent with my bank account, work and my writing but I need to push myself more and take sober is the new black to the next level. Not sure with what that level is but I have some great ideas. I am in the process of making some T-Shirts with the sober is the new black logo and in the process of being finished with my book
So today all I feel is joy and nothing can take that away especially if I create that from within myself. Sober is the new Black
Some Led Zeppelin for 9 months sober is the perfect tune for today. I hope you Enjoy.
Hello friends today is day 96 sober, it’s been a great day so far. I feel like I need more reading in my life, going to look for newly sober book. With every day that passes my love for myself gets stronger and what used to hurt me or anger me, no longer does. The Only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, I need to constantly be working towards creating a better me, do what works best for me. In the past I got sober for all the wrong reason, hence my relapse.
I celebrate being sober everyday like a birthday even if I am sad because I am coping with life. That’s amazing me dealing with life, I used to run from issues now I cut right true them. Getting to know myself is a great feeling, knowing what I want, what I need to work on, Instead of trying to be perfect, I am learning how to become more human. I don’t believe in mistakes I feel like the universe knows exactly what I need to experience so I can learn and grow. Lesson may not be seen right away but they will blossom at some point. Today living in a state of gratefulness is keeping me sober and being aware of the mental disorder, that voice that is losing its power as I write these words down.
Life seems very simple in sobriety not that chaos of drunken stumbles. Everything is flowing like that river. Just be the best I can be and the universe will work the rest. My brother Andrew will be moving out to LA sometime next week or so, very excited to have my brother out here, so much opportunity out here for him. Are home town is a great place to retire but not for finding your passion. I’ll never go back, it just memory filled. Not the ones I’d like to remember. People that want to see me make an effort I am grateful for that, those are the ones that have always made an effort as I do as well. Change is great opportunity whether change is wanted or not. My brother moving out here won’t affect my goals or my sobriety, my mind is clear. There are rules already in place that he is aware of, no booze or drugs allowed in my home period. I hope this move can give my brother some growth and long terms goals, anything is possible in life, you just have to want it really bad and work towards it with a positive mindset. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for books, family, friends, love and making connections with people.
Stay connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez
Fitz and the Trantrums Moneygrabber is dedicated to the booze. Don’t come back you are no longer welcome in this home, you already blinded me in the past
Hello friends, today is day 88 sober. This is a longread but its necessary for my healing. This is my Teen years into early adulthood. It’s an extension from my childhood and middle school years post. It’s a bit dark and its filled with a bunch of life lessons learned from darkness. I am not trying to hurt my family just need to heal. So I hope this will help someone. The path you’ve walked isn’t really important. It’s the path you create now in this moment.
The summer before high School my mother went to jail and my brother and I went to stay with my great grandmother. My father at the time was going through his own addiction. My day had created another family with my stepmom and my two younger brothers and at the time I felt he did not want us. My brother and I stayed there for a while. It was a great time. My great grandmother was a very kind soul that showed so much love. My father eventually came and picked up my bother and I because school was about to start. I came from different city and was very scared of high school. I was really small and looked like I belong in 5 or 6 grade. Freshman year was probably the worst year of my school years, at that time I just wanted to fit in and have friends. I did not have love at home so I was looking for constant approval from people. My freshman year, I only had two shirts and two shorts. I was so ashamed and Embarrassed, my clothes would smell really bad. My shoes had holes. My classmates notice so I was not only going through hell at home now I had to deal with it at school. I just wanted to be notice really so I would started to try and fit in anyway possible but I just did not look popular in anyway. So I meet a guy who was really nice so we sat together at lunch, we were cool. He smoke pot, I had never done drugs. He invited me to his house for the weekend and I went we smoked pot for 3 days straight with no food. Came home Monday and I was stone for days after, I was so scared. My father was never really around. My stepmother had to worry about her kids (my stepbrothers) and she worked fulltime. My freshman year I never went to school, that guy who was my friend one day just turn on me and started to beat me up in bathrooms. He would wait outside my classrooms, so can terrorize me. I would run from room to room. At lunch I found a safe place in the library but he and his friends eventually found me, and would beat me up in the library. I’ve been beaten my whole life by my own parents and never spoke up and so I just let it happen. That’s one of the reason I never went to school.
Eventually my mom got out of jail and so my brother and I moved back, she moved to Indio California, which is still in the same valley. My mom had a new man name Freddy who was drug addict but worked. I did not care I was out of that high school. Sophomore year was great; I excelled with straight A’s. Academic awards in health class and English. I made some awesome friends. I started acting in drama and did so good they bump me to drama honors, junior year comes and I started to work at a pizza place and was doing good in school College prep class for English and drama. I was old enough to work so after school I would get on a bus and head to work, I felt like life was getting better than one day I get home. We had to be out in 3 days, so once again everything comes crashing down
Freddy had a truck so we load whatever we had and parked in back of taco bell and slept there, it was right by my school but eventually we had to move back to be fathers. I did not want to go back to that old high school so I stayed at Indio, the only problem was it was so far away, I had to be up at 4am riding two busses to school plus working a job it just got to much and all those college prep classes and honors classes I started to fail. I wasn’t showing up, life was overwhelming for a 15 year old. At the time is when I met a man who was the manager of the pizza place, he was my first so we started seeing each other, and I would skip school to see him. He showed me affection, something that was rare in my life, so I feel quick. He was thirty I was fifteen but eventually that did not last. People from the pizza place found out and so they made a huge fuss. I ended up Quitting the pizza place and left the high school were I was excelling at. I started doing an independent school that was once a week. I was no longer in English or drama. Since I was working fulltime I had to pay 400 bucks a month to live with my father. My father was must have been on drugs because that’s when he became really abusive. I would wake up to him beating me several times. Stomping my back and face. Kicking my bother and I out the house because of gang’s stuff eventually going back home to see my father sitting on the couch with a gun on his lap. One time my brother who is a few years younger than me had to wash his clothes. My father was in the garage where the washroom was. My father would not let us wash are clothes because his friends we probably doing drugs but we need to for school, so my brother walked in and my father beat him in front of his friends to show respect. I kind of hate my father right now. I still can hear my younger brother cries echo.
My stepmother eventually left my father so again my brother and I moved back to my moms. My mom, her boyfriend, my brother and I lived in a small studio. I was working a grocery store as a bagger and started making friends, I start to come out as gay; I never had any issues with. I don’t remember my first drink but it happens around 17-18 but I was a light -weight drinking like two Smirnoff ice and that’s it. My mother couldn’t really beat me any more but she would say the most horrible things, like I wish I never had you, faggot, etc. she might have been coming down off here drug of choice. I ended up in a continuation school. I would walk a mile to school but I was so determine to graduate and I did. My mother was once again kicked out so we moved into a motel and lived there for sometime. I had already graduated and saved up to by my first car, everything I had I worked for myself, no help. My mom was still using, I found her meth pipe in the restroom and I always would get so hurt every time I found out she was using, I am sure Vince (My EX) felt that way about me..
I got my own place and moved my mom and my younger brother in. My mom did not work, so I had to take care of everything. It was hard but I was manage to do it for awhile, we had really no food. I turned 21 so I would go out, I feel kind of bad because my brother and I started to drift a part because I was 21. He would always want to hang with me but I pushed him away. He started hanging with people who smoked weed. He now struggles with addiction. At that time I was drinking a little but a friend one day offered me cocaine and I feel in love with it. I couldn’t party without it. It was a feeling at the time like no other. It took me away from reality. Life was too much and this helped me coupe. I was doing it for a while. One day I did way too much and spun out, my come down was so bad I was in the hospital. Since that I day I could not do cocaine without getting that feeling so I stop.
My stepmother and I became really close, she came and picked me up. I never went back to my apartment. I left behind everything including my younger brother. I felt bad, I couldn’t save him. I had to save myself. He is now struggling. I moved in with my stepmom and for 3 months I didn’t drink or do drugs. I ate really healthy and worked out, running 6 miles a day. I was working on the outside not the inside, I did not know I was an addict so I start going out but it wasn’t the same. I was not having fun because I did not have that numb feeling. I remember that day I transferred addiction. It’s crazy because I remember that moment. I was at toucans a local gay club and my friend at the time asked me what’s wrong. I told him, He said chug two whiskey and coke and ill get that same feeling. So I did, and that gave me a similar feeling. I think that was the start. I had a couple of short-term loves but it did not last they both cheated on me but I was still not dealing with my past issues. I was picking the wrong guys. One guy was such an ass; he was older and did not ever want to be around me. He wanted to schedule me in, emotional not an available, cold . He had his own issues but he was verbal abusive. I was so used to people abusing me so I took it for 3 months and it didn’t work. I stayed with my stepmother but I was not growing, all I did was watch film and drink. There was a point when I was like maybe I should stop but I did not know how too. I walked into an AA and it was so scary, all ex convicts. I walked in and I was this little gay boy at the time. Everything they spoke it was about with they have done, not the way the mind of Addiction worked. So I checked everything off my list and was like, oh I am not an addict.
I ended up getting laid off of work, I found this older man who basically paid me to hangout and sleep with him, he was an Alcoholic. So from morning till night we would drink, eat and have sex but not just with each other. I was so lost and just wanted some sort of love and I did not want to feel. In my early years I did sell my body for petty cash, it was a rush and I didn’t respect my body. This older man wasn’t giving me petty cash I did not work for two years. Being in my early 20’s making 3 grand a month wasn’t bad. It was two years of craziness. He is well known who had a house in Palm Springs.My addiction started to show. My family I think started to notice. I got arrested for public intoxication, I lost my cell phone that night and wallet and got my septum ripped out. My stepmother refused to pick me up. Tough love. I ended up moving in with my brother, sleeping on the couch. Not aware of my addiction, past issues, a lost soul. After a child is treated like I was you go from hurt kid to an angry negative person and that’s ok because that needs to happen so you can heal eventually. That older man eventually left.
So I was broke, car-less, hurt, had a few items, sleeping on a couch, no checking account at 23 years old. One day I decided to walk to brother hot tube with a glass of wine, and I found this cute boy on Facebook, we started chatting. Little did I know he was going to be one of the biggest teachers in my life so Far. I knew talking to him it would be my out of the hell I created and my parents co created. I rode a greyhound bus to LA. He was outside waiting for me, and I saw him we hugged and kiss. I just felt like home when I was around him, my whole body went numb and I lost my breath, till this day I still get that same feeling when I am around him. A month later I was moving to LA all I had was a bag of clothes and a huge gold bunny that was like 2 feet tall. I was unaware all the past pain I was bringing with me and Vince was also unaware. I still did not understand I was an addict. The relationship was good and also chaotic. There was know way I could have heal 23 years of a horrifying childhood, teen, and early adulthood in the time with Vince.
I sit here now fours years after moving to LA. Making the decision to move out here saved my life. I did not need really an convincing, I had nothing in the desert, I had a chance to be away from my parents. A new life but I had that same mind. I am not perfect but I am on my way to becoming who I am supposed to be. Using my past as the fuel to my rocket shooting into endless possibility. Staying sober, going inside to heal, spiritual practices, creating deep love for myself, writing, creating positive thoughts, finding me, forgiving, sober is the new black, hanging out with my inner divine, learning how to be alone, separating me ego from my soul, law of attraction, laughing, creating passion are just some of the things that will keep me on my path to becoming ADOLFO. Sober is the new black, I am grateful for life
Stay connect with love Adolfo
Jennifer Hudson I am changing is a perfect song,
I am changing, I am going to start again, I am going to leave my past behind me, Im change my life, make right, nothing going to stop me now.
Sober Is The New Black 