1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 38 Sober: My American Dream

Hello friends, today is day 38 sober. I took a 3hr Mid-day nap and it felt so good! A well-rested and Sober mind is a great foundation for a writing session, also some tunes. I am sitting in a coffee shop in Downtown LA its such a beautiful city.  A Million dreams come true here also there is a lot of pain in this city. I feel everybody moves to LA because they want something better for their life.  People that I have met out here are all passionate and chasing the American Dream whatever that means to them. In Los Angeles there can be so much distraction that can hinder your talent and can blind you from that long-term goal. I need to focus, focus on my American Dream. My American Dream is very simple, A comfortable living, staying Sober, writing novels and creating film. Spending most of my time with my kids and partner. That’s what I strive for! Now that my long-term goal is set up I need to create short-term goals that can help me reach my long-term goal. Of course sobriety is number one. Second write, write, write, write, and write. Writing is muscle I have to workout on a daily basis so it can become strong.  I can’t really afford to skip a day. I skipped so much already. I can’t let the fat build up around my muscle fat being hardships, fear, other opinions, and my own insecurity, My Alcohol-ISM. I want 99.9% of writing muscle and .01% of that other crap! I love writing dark family complex stories. It comes naturally. I am obsessed with foreign and independent film, it’s a vice I will never give up. 

 

The lover and children would be a direct result from my positive thinking and creating. I can’t go looking for love I just have to be able to be open and see it when the universe brings it into existence. Even though I just out of a 3 year, I am a huge fan of love and such a hopeless romantic (as I sit in PJS in downtown LA) that’s ok I want someone to love me in PJS! I have always been a huge fan of French Cinema and that’s how I can explain the kind of love I love! You should check out French cinema it will blow your mind. My partner does not have to be French I enjoy all kinds of men. The connection is what I am attractive too, a great smile, a great laugh, who is a fan of art, and who is smart. I love learning and being taught also I would love someone who is evolving and growing also someone who has a bit of a past, gives them character! That’s how I feel at the moment; tomorrow I might want the complete opposite! And that’s ok. I am Hispanic so family really important. I do not need to reproduce my DNA; I am ok with loving a loveless child. I am not opposed to having my own. I would love a few kids. Give them a great childhood so I can destroy the family pattern and create a new way of thinking and traditions. I Never grew up with any traditions. The holidays would be amazing.

 

So that’s my American Dream. What’s so amazing is that its possible, does not matter where you are at today! Or the roads you have walked. Set up some short-term goals to get you there and work on them; do not let anything distract you including that voice that’s in your head! Not only knowing that but also understanding how that voice plays a current role in your life today once you do that then self-awareness begins than connecting that to your heart creates Freedom! And with freedom comes great possibility!  Sober is the New Black!  

Side note: I am so in love with California Dreamin by the Mamas & The Papas! I will be playing this record with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with are rose-colored glasses! 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo