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January 4, 2015

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Sober Hangover

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DAY 226 Sober: Addiction was my Blessing

Hello Friends, Today is day 226 sober. I got back home last night. Had a wonderful two weeks in Palm Springs Ca. Met some new friends, dance the nights away with old friends. Spent every moment in a state of gratefulness. Very blessed to have two weeks off.  Enjoyed every moment of seeing my Family.

I saw both my parents and felt nothing but love. I knew I had to leave my past in the past and only see them in the light of love. Only with a clean and sober mind I was able to realize my parents issues are their own. It has nothing to do with my space that I create. I realize it comes down to choices, I can choose to not have them in my life but that would be based on a past I am no longer part of. Or I can have them in my life and see them as who they are today. Understanding and compassion is the state of mind I want to be in at all time. Talking to my parents brought me a new understanding on why my childhood was so dark. I can’t change it nor change my parents, I have to accept them whole and move forward. I choose to have them in my life with boundaries, I have to put myself first and my recovery. Why not have them in my life? They both love me and deal with addiction as I do. When my parents are about to cross over to their new beginning I want to know I did all I could in our relationship.  I wanted my parents to let go of the guilt they buried, I am ok and they should be as well. Tied up loose ends and letting go of all the mind haze was what I needed for the New Year. I now sit in Los Angeles feeling peace and a lighter. When I was using it was very convent to use that childhood story for people to understand and feel sorry for me. Time to create a new story, one filled with strength, inspiration, hope, and the power to overcome anything and everything.

 

Before I left my hometown I made sure that 3-year-old boy that was dwelling in me feeding me the stories of my past stayed behind. He is no longer dictating my life or how I see others. I can reflect back to understand what I need work on and inspire, but I will not connect my emotions to it. I had lots of love around me growing up but was blinded by my parents abuse to see it. Everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change one moment of my childhood or drunken stumbles, the reason being all those things got me here today with a wiser mind, a compassion heart, Clean and strong, In the state of gratefulness and seeing and feeling beauty in everything. My addiction put in me in recovery where I learned how to forgive the past but also myself and to heal. Without addiction, I don’t know if I would have been able to forgive my past or it might have taken a lot longer. So addiction was my blessing. Sober is the new black.

 

Here are some of my latest peoms.

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Devendra Banhart is perfection. one of my favorite artist. This song called freely has carried me out of hardships in my life. Hope you enjoy it.

 

Stay Connected with love,  Adolfo Vasquez

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December 21, 2014

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DAY 211 Sober: Healing Trip

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DAY 211 Sober: Healing Trip

Hello, Friends today is day 211 sober. I am sitting at a local Restaurant called LuLu in palm springs ca. Looking at the night sky filled with bright stars with sober eyes. Never thought I’d be satisfied with life at the moment. I was expecting to feel uneasy my first major holidays being sober, but actually I feel a lot of peace. I know I will be around booze this holiday and came to terms with it. My sobriety is number one and my family knows that if I feel uneasy I will leave the holiday festivities. Me being in recovery shouldn’t prevent others from living their lives. Trips in the past consisted of me getting black out drunk most of my days, it feels great having a clear mind. Temptation and triggers will happen in sobriety and at those times I have to take it day-by-day, even moment-by-moment.

 

Saw my birth mother yesterday it was a warm embrace. She looks really good like she is also on a road to recovery. Talking to my mother has really opened me up in a life changing way. Growing up was very dark but speaking to her brought on a huge understanding and compassion on why my childhood was so dark. My mother has been abused most of her life by men, she used to help cope with her pain. At the moment I feel weightless from childhood, it’s really hard to explain but its like my eyes became bigger and I now see the whole picture frame. I found peace that allows me to move towards my future. I think it’s important to never forget the roads I walked, a lot of lessons, strength, and beauty in them. I do need to detach my emotions that will make me feel negative towards others and myself. My father is a different story, I always feel a bit uneasy and nervous around him, but I know it is necessary to heal that part. Not sure if this trip will be that trip. One hurdle at a time. My sobriety is number one and I need to take my healing slow so I don’t leave anything undone.

 

Last night I Party Sober, I went to a local club that I used to frequent, had so much fun dancing away with one of my best friends. I had no cravings for booze actually seeing everybody wasted brought on appreciation that I was no longer partaking in that world. Sober is the New Black. The rest of the trip will consist of more writing sessions and self-healing. I found myself driving around old places i used to live and places where I have been in hurt, once i leave that spot, I leave that pain. My own way of healing, I guess.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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December 18, 2014

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DAY 208 Sober: Sobriety my Foundation

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DAY 208 Sober: Sobriety my Foundation

Hello friends, today is day 208 sober. Getting my ducks in a row. Heading back home tomorrow, so excited to see my loved ones and to write in my hometown. My hometown haves tons of memories that made me who I am today. Huge amount of growth since I’ve left palm springs ca. I’ll be back in los Angeles the beginning of next year, my goal is to return with Amends I had made from the ones I’ve hurt and some peace from the ones that hurt me.

 

As the days go on and I am sober my mind is getting quiet and that allows me to find myself. Some stuff is great that I am finding like deep love for myself, very content with my life. I am also finding stuff that needs to be worked on. I’m a very sensitive person and at times I feel life my heart lives on my skin. That’s not a bad thing, I have tons of compassion for others but I do need to work on not letting people opinion on my recovery program effect me. I am sober and not craving but also healing so it’s working. My way might not work for others and my healing shouldn’t prevent someone else from healing him or herself. I am a human and will be hurt, feel pain, be heartbroken, but I am learning how to cope through those things, embracing life at its fullest. Crying is part of healing and also knowing when to surrender the pain to that higher power. Everybody has a different definition of higher power and that’s a beautiful thing.

The reason behind me counting my days is for someone who is day 30 sober or day 68 sober and having a hard time, they can Google their days and my blog will appear. Maybe thy can relate to what I was going through that day and just maybe it could help in some ways. Today I feel so happy being sober; something I never knew was possible. I had to learn that sobriety would not solve all my worries or make my life perfect. Sobriety helps clear my mind so I can work towards a life that will bring peace and happiness. Sobriety is my foundation in life, I have to build the rest but I can’t build a healthy life without my sobriety foundation. Sober is the new black

 

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Amanda palmer is someone who I love so much; Her song in my mind resonates with me. I am exactly the person I need to be in this moment of being.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

My new glasses

Adolfo Vasquez

Adolfo Vasquez

 

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December 14, 2014

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Day 204 Sober: A Child from Addicts

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Day 204 Sober: A Child from Addicts

Hello Friends, today is day 204 sober, its been a great day, 5 days away from returning to my hometown palm springs, ca. So excited it’s hard to containing myself. Looking up some great meetings that I can attend. My goal is to go back and make some amends and forgive everybody and anything so I can move forward with no past preventing my healing. Feels great going back with a clear mind and more evolved than I was last trip back home.

 

I will be seeing my parents, I used to think I needed them to tell me sorry but the reality is that their actions were a result of an addict. Now that I am in recovery I understand that wasn’t who they are and their sorry can’t change the past or give me peace. The only thing that can give me peace is letting go and seeing them in the moment of today. Not sure if they are still using or have a program that helps them heal. Hopefully, with a huge from me and letting them know that I don’t have any ill feelings towards them than they can let go of the guilt that might be preventing them from fully healing. I don’t know what happen to my parents, but something did that made them feel that substances were a way to cope.

If they are not open to a hug or having me in their lives then that’s ok because I feel content knowing I did my part. I am still whole with or without my parents. Addiction is a hard thing to overcome, but it is possible no matter how long the substance has been blinding a person. My love for them will never leave nor keep me from seeing them in the light of love. When I was a kid I would defend my parents from the police officers or teachers.  They would pull me into the office because I would have black eyes, knots on my head.  I knew if they found out I would also lose my brother who was around the same age as me. He was the only rock I had in my life at the time. He too suffers from an addiction, but that is his to overcome.

 

I hope I can inspire my family to see possibilities in them, a family of addicts, yes but we are really awesome people too. Some of us in recovery some of us not but one day I dream a dream that we can all be sober, strong, soften, humbled by our egos sitting with only love during the holidays. If not my life is bigger than any circumstances, one day I’ll have a family of my own and start those family traditions I lack growing up.

 

So if there are any kids currently living with parents who are addicts, I know it’s difficult and confusing right now but I promise your life will go on.  Your parent’s addiction doesn’t define your capability in life. Use your parent’s actions as a learning lesson, hold on to those dreams, find an art and create. Don’t give up or think that you any less, you’re a warrior with unimaginable strength. It’s ok to cry and get angry but always know your parents do love you. They are just unwell and keep your head up above what others say about your family. I know you feel like you are just trying survive day to day but once you get older, you can put down those barriers and open up to a life you deserve. You might have to work harder than others, but it will be very rewarding. People love you, I do, I hear you, I care, I validate you and I promise life gets better! Sober is the new black.

 

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Demi Lovato suffered from addiction and this song Skyscraper is about her addiction. It’s a brilliant song for kids whom might be dealing with parents who are addicts, rise up from the circumstance and fight for a life you deserve.

 

 

stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

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December 10, 2014

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200 Days of Sober

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200 Days of Sober

Hello Friends, today 200 days sober! I’ve been sick but mustard up some strength to write. This has been the longest I’ve been sober in so long, I relapsed a bunch of times but it’s never too late to start over. So many lessons in my relapses I take with me into this newly sober life. I feel peace that was once unheard of in my sobriety time. The longer that I am sober, my days pass without me even really thinking about being sober. Life seems to be flowing and I am just riding along. In some ways I am finding new parts of me that I never knew existed, life seems very normal. It feels great knowing the new normal eventually turns into a normal. I have been around booze and it doesn’t change the way I feel or makes me question my sober shine.

I’ve notice when meeting people for the first time and they ask me what I do, I don’t mind telling them about my blog or the book that is currently being written. Sobriety works for me and I don’t expect others to fill the same. It seems people are very nice others I can feel a bit of  hesitation. The word addict can scare a person, but it’s understandable, the symptoms of the mental disorder can cause harm to myself and to others if I’m using. Some people are unaware because they don’t know addicts or do know addicts and have been wounded by them and think I choose to be an addict. I used to care what others thought, in the beginning of sobriety I question if I should let a person know about sober is the new black? Or wait until they actually got to know me but the reality is, sobriety is number one the rest follows and I can’t be with someone or have friends that don’t understand that. I need people to see past my disorder and see my heart. A person who is unaware of the mental disorder might also think a person in recovery is not fun to hang out with or is a downer. Just to clarify it is quite the opposite. In my case I am laughing all the time, wanting to dance, a better friend and outgoing, very open to trying new things. When I was using I was secluded, non-social, not wanting to do anything, in dive bars, passing out early and getting drunk early, emotional, angry, would get offend by everybody and everything. I was no fun to be around.

 

Now that I am sober, know one can make me feel any less than what I feel for myself. I am very content with the friends I have in my life at the moment, I am now building on those relationship, instead of looking for validation in others who I just met or lost due to my addiction. Next week I’ll be in Palm Springs CA for a few weeks, so  pools, dancing, and great writing sessions is what’s in store for me. Catching up with my family and loved ones. Going to see my mom and dad for some healing moments. My parents also suffered from addiction and so my childhood wasn’t the best and it molded my mind and eyes and affected the way I saw the world and myself in a negative way. I was an addict before I took my first substance, I had addiction tendencies and very self-abusive. I just need to get better before I head home, this fever and sore throat isn’t fun! I’ve been taking vitamins and getting as much sleep as I can. I have not written a poem in a while but feel content because I need to be 100 percent so I can create poetry.

DAY 91 SOBER POEM

 

Sober is the New Black

 

A lot of Sia music seems to be about addiction not sure if she struggled with it herself, but it helps me in times of need. Burn the pages off Sia new album is such a powerful song and I hope it inspires others to take out all the negative thoughts, feelings and past put them in a book and burn it and rise from the ashes, Rebirth.

http://youtu.be/o-OBiu4hAfY

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

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November 25, 2014

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Day 185 sober: First Article

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Day 185 sober: First Article

Hello, Friends today is 185 sober. Today has been a great day so far, getting a new haircut. I’ll post pictures later. Heading out to Bakersfield CA for thanksgiving. Going to be around some of my favorite people. Taking 7 days off of work, to relax and write. This will be my first sober thanksgiving in a long time, how grateful to be alive and clear minded allowing me to experience life with loved ones.

I wrote an article for http://www.FloridaBeachRehab.com. Very grateful for the opportunity, to share my story, hoping it helps someone who is suffering or is questioning sobriety. The article is about how I started Sober is the New Black and how my poems help heal my soul. Sobriety for me isn’t just sober from booze, sober from past, sober from hurt, sober from one’s ego, sober from anything that is preventing me from reaching my full potential. Hope you guys enjoy the article. The link will be below. Sober is the new black. Hope you all enjoy a very great Thanksgiving.

 

http://www.floridabeachrehab.com/sobriety-through-poetry/.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

Dr. Maya Angelou is someone I turned to for wisdom. This video helps with creating kindness inside me.

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November 23, 2014

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6 Months Sober: What I've Learned

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6 Months Sober: What I’ve Learned

Hello, Friends today is 6 months sober, I am feeling so grateful to be here now with no cravings for alcohol, only cravings I have is to write, inspire, and to heal from within. What I have learned in 6 months is when you take away the booze; I am left with root causes of my addiction, and some I might be unaware of now since I am only 183 days sober. I also learnt “the addiction” isn’t in the booze its in the mind and body, body in the form of cravings and in the mind feeding me thoughts. The mind for me is where I need the most healing the body cravings have left and gone long ago.

 

I also learnt that I matter, because I am born, and that I am capable of living a dream I just have to stay sober. One of the biggest lessons I’ve gained is forgiveness, for others. I am currently working on forgiveness for the things I have done. I don’t know if one can fully forgive oneself because when I am reminded of the stuff I did my eyes fills with tears. I learnt that the addiction voice gets quite and far in between when I am self aware of the separation between the addiction and I. I learnt that it’s ok to be sad, angry, hurt, happy, joy, all in one day because I am learning how to cope in a sober life. The longer I’m sober I am finding me, also I am able to see this thing called “ego” and now able to see how that affects me in everyday life. I still have a ways to go but I am so proud on how far I have come in 6months

 

Getting sober and losing the love of my life at the same time was the hardest thing to do but possible to overcome. Anything is possible, you just have to get up and change. The getting sober part has been pretty great, but the letting go of the love seems to be the hardest for me. I feel like the love is so ingrain in my heart, its hard to cleanse out. Today is a pretty big day. I had a picture of us on my wall, I am a huge believer in law of attraction and I believed if I had our picture on my wall and kept healing in my sobriety one day I would wake to him laying next to me, opening his heart again but the reality is he might be cheering me on but maybe not in the form of a partner. I thought I could finally be that man he always wanted and saw in me. Somehow I can be redeemed from all those things I did, I can go back and help heal his bruised heart and grow old, get married and live happy the rest of our life. I am learning how to accept life’s decision. I took down that picture today, i had velcro it so it was really tuff to take off kinda symbolic to my heart ripping a bit but it was necessary, I am going to delete pictures and get rid of all those reminders that i kept holding on too, his earrings and such.  I loved true, but I was dealing with a mental disorder. so I now feel a sense of peace knowing I fought so hard for us, as he did as well. So I sit here in my favorite café in Korea town, happy for my days sober yet a bit sad, oh the rollercoaster of sobriety. but I am alive and feeling life, how life is meant to be felt in the moment. Sober is the new black.

 

 

 

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The Pierces Creation is such a powerful song and video!

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November 20, 2014

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DAY 180 Sober: Learning to love my Body

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DAY 180 Sober: Learning to love my Body

Hello Friends, Day 180 sober. It’s has been such a busy week for me. Have some awesome upcoming shares. First and article and a featured in a magazine, Day 1, I would have never thought Sober is the new black would have brought some of my dreams to reality. I still have moments in my day where I look out the window and be in the moment. Work is slowing down and will end very soon. Going to write, write and rewrite. Heading back to Palm springs for 3 weeks at the end of December and early January. I never just sat and wrote in my hometown, so that is one of the many things I am excited to do. Going back with an open heart and a clear mind is such a beautiful thing.

 

Once an addict stops drinking, we are left with internal issues. So going back home will allow me to see my mother and father were I could continue the healing process. In the past, I was short tempered around my mother and nervous around my father but I need to be able to see them in the light of love and not in judgment. I am in a better place and have healed some wounds; so I am excited but I still need to learn what role will they be in my life. I will no longer let anyone make me feel less than. The most important thing is how I feel about myself.

 

My six months sober will be here in a couple days, the longest I have been sober in 10 years, and I feel very proud but still have a ways to go in my healing process. I need to always be aware of my ego and how my disorder manifests in my head. The disorder is not in the booze, it’s in my mind so once I am not giving it what it needs than that it comes out in the form of depression, self-hate, overeating, new addictions, sexual active, etc. So I have to be self-aware, healing and letting go of all the negative thoughts that are my addiction. So far I’ve been good, loving my mind, loving my soul, loving my talents but something I need to work on is love for my body. I sometimes look away from mirrors or find myself leaving a clothing store if I see my reflection. This is very hard to talk about but I never felt handsome. My weight always goes up and down and right now it’s a bit up but I can now see the mental disorder feeding me lies in my head, telling me to skip a meal or eat less. I am glad I am aware of it, so if weight is something I want to change, that’s ok but I need to do it healthy. So I joined a gym, so I can start working out. Working out will help my mind as well. I want to be healthy all around. I also will be forcing me to look in the mirror in the morning and say, “I am Beautiful” out loud until my eyes, voice and feelings believe it. It will take time, one issue at a time. Sober is the new black

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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Colbie Caillat try is such an inspirational song!

 

 

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November 2, 2014

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DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

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DAY 162 Sober: A Molested Child

Hello Friends, Today is day 162 sober, I just want to start off by saying all the readers support and inspiring message, that fill my heart up with so much joy. I just hope I do the same for others who may be suffering in this battle. Part of getting sober is going inside and finding root causes of my addiction. The ones I hide inside deep, from the traumas I’ve been through. I have not really talked about this subject to anyone, none of my family knows about this. So I might have some backlash or maybe some support but the most important thing in my life is healing so I can stay sober.

 

 

I was Sexually abused at a very young age. It was a male babysitter who would watch me while my mother would go out and party, my mother is also an addict. For a  long time, I thought it was my doing or my curiosity that caused it. It happened more than once and I don’t remember much except that it felt good. I don’t know if I was seeking attention from the lack of it in my household or I might have seen people doing it in my household. Writing this down scares me a bit but I just need to connect the dots From being molested to addiction. I know being molested has everything to do with me seeking love in sex, or if someone is not attracted to me then that means there is something wrong with me.

 

 My writing helps me heal from the inside. Taking all the pain out and writing it down is the way I know how to heal, When I was a child I lived in my head away from reality because It was to painful. I would daydream a new life so I can survivor another day. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I need to take ownership of how my life is today and know that I am no longer that child being touch for love but a survivor that is blossoming into a softer person. I lived my life thinking everyone was out to hurt me and In a very defensive state but the reality is that not everyone is my parents or my molester. This was a hard write so now ill go weep my healing tears a bit. Sober is the New Black.

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Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

Ellie Goulding your song  I dedciate to my innner child that still feels the need to feel scared. It time to go now, I got this. Run free.