DAY 29 SOBER: Alcohol-ISM (Inside Self & Mind)

Hello friends, today is day 29 sober and so far it has been an amazing unproductive day. I’ve been relaxing all day, feels good not having plans. I would like to have no plans more often.  I am a day away from a month and as each day passes my want for booze is fading and my want for an amazing new life gets stronger. No cravings today except for some fast food but I told my self no, I wanted a whole shift in my mind, body and soul. I need to put healthy stuff in my body so my mind works at 100 percent and I need to make sure to get enough sleep. Your body knows when it needs sleep, so take a nap and recharge! I am in love with midday naps. I will take it over sex any day! Not only is my mind becoming self aware and I am starting to see patterns that were created from my childhood but my body is also changing. I feel great and clothes are fitting me a lot better. 

 

Alcoholism centers in my mind and body not it the booze itself so once you become aware on the ISM(Inside Self &Mind) that voice that talks to you to convince you to drink than you can stop it! In time it gets easier. It’s like your mind is a muscle the more you work it the stronger it is. No voice, place, person, situation can take away my sobriety this time around. You have to become self aware, detox from the booze allow the body (ISM) to appear with the withdrawals and cravings. Once you stop drinking than you are left with untreated alcoholism because you are not treating it with its meds (booze) so that’s when its get hard and your mind goes a bit crazy, Temper, annoyed, hurt, sad, anger, lying to get the booze, denial just drinking wine or beer. Ill stop the hard liquor. Or ill just drink at night. Maybe just on Mondays. It will try and convince you because this mental disorder/parasite of a kind needs to thrive and stay alive. Also the metal disorder will come out in physical pain to try and get you to drink, night sweats, body aches, body itch’s, seizures, this is the body (ISM).  So how do you go from untreated Alcohol-ISM to treating it without booze? For me treating my disorder is a daily thing because it never goes away that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy because you can it just takes work and time. So I treat my Alcohol-ISM by becoming self-aware of my issues and try and heal old wounds, positive thinking, surrendering to a higher power, loving people and learning how to love myself, meditation, start new healthy hobbies, find a form of AA that works for ME, Change everything about my life if you walked on the right-side of the street start walking on the left side, you’ll start to see the street from a different angle thus see the world from a different level. Make new normal that consist of laughter, joy, gratefulness, and acceptance.

 

What’s the most incredible thing is it can end today and your life can change in a second a whole new normal and amazing normal. Once you accept that Alcoholism is a living ISM that centers in your mind and body than you can become aware of it so then you can start treating it! Also you stop admitting and start accepting the truth that your are an Addict but truly understand what role it has played in your life and connect it to your heart and realize that your life today is the direct result of your choices, no one else! Just you! Not the past, not the abuser, not your parents, not that story you’ve told your mind over and over and even told others.

 

It’s a hard thing to grasp because we are so used to the past creating how we see the world and others. It’s a proven fact that if you start thinking differently than your cells and DNA starts to change, so you are no longer that story, your old self.  You are now who you choose to be at the moment. You are your current thoughts. I am proof! I am in tears when I write this because for the past 29 days I wake up happy, excited for life, passion for long term goals. I see people differently and I have had some stressful moments but with my clear mind I let it go I surrender it to the universe. I DONT EVER NAME MY HIGHER POWER ON HERE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE IT HAS TO BE THE SAME AS MINE TO GET SOBER, NO IT DOESN’T, WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU CONSIDER IT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD, UNIVERSE, MOON, SUN, A DOOR, A BUDDAH, A BLOW DYRER. There are plenty of roads to Rome you just have to find a road that is connecting to your heart and that works with your life.

 

I found my new normal and I love it. Cut everything out of your life that is unhealthy including love ones if you have to. You sobriety is number one because with out it nothing really matters and without sobriety you do not have anything inducing yourself.  

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 4 Sober: The Guilt

I just want to start off saying thank you universe for this sober day 4. My mind is clear and I am yet to have a craving or an anxiety attack. I am currently in Koreatown at this cafe i am in love with.  I was here 6 hours yesterday. They are open late so its a  perfect place instead of a bar. I work really early in the morning. I have to be up 345am, I am turning into a morning person which is great.

Today i got on the metro and my mind started to race on all the stuff  I’ve done to people. I was holding back tears of course listing to sappy music intensified my tears so of course they started to flow again. There is something about Kelly Clarkson that knows exactly what to say to get a grown man crying hahahaha. In the past i would over drink and I would black out and turn into a mean and aggressive person which usually ended with tears, I never had gotten into a physical fight  just a bunch of false treats. Expect one time (later blog).  I am sure if i kept drinking into my 30’s then i am sure it would have escalate.  I was very verbally abusive which I believe is the worst kind from my own experience.  So hear i am talking about my tears (kinda selfish)  but the endless amount of tears i caused my loved ones,  especially one person in particular. Thats what the Alcohol mind does. I am trying  to forgive myself  for all the  wrongs, all the tears, all the chaos, all the fear I brought into peoples lives.  I had all this love around me but my infected alcoholic mind did not allow the real me,  accept the fact that i deserve love, that there are good people in this world. You see i was never taught how to have a healthy loving relationship as child. I didn’t have the foundation of what love is Added with my disorder.

I had so much guilt that sat in my core but what i am realizing is guilt is fear from ones personality and fear moves you away from growth.  So guilt prevents you from learning because you  feel ashamed, Regret, sad about something you did out of FEAR! so Instead of beating yourself  up, learn and instead of acting out of fear act out in LOVE, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING.  This is something i am still learning how to do, I am only 4 days old and i know i am on the right track! 

So i created sober is the new black may 24 2011 but i did not want to admit to myself  i was an addict so i did not post anything. When i finally accepted my truth of being an addict  and i post my first entry guess what day it was? MAY 24 2013. Its was 3 years ago on that exact day!   Here comes the tears again, you see once you accept yourself sit in your truth good and bad, let go of the fears that caused the  guilt. The world opens doors for you that you could have never imagine and the world looks a lot brighter. This is daily process for me, i have to stay grateful for being sober and stay sober. I Have to let go of the fear of what people think of me.  I was in bed may 24 late at night and my disorder mind started feeding me guilty, sad and hurt because i saw something that hurt me but that person did not hurt me it just triggered what was already inside me. Then it clicked i should start this damn blog already and start living a more truthful life guilt free! 

 

stay connect with love,  Adolfo