Category Archives: Sober Hangover

Writings from the night before

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August 8, 2014

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DAY 77 Sober: A Dream Come True, Sober Hangover

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DAY 77 Sober: A Dream Come True

Hello friends, today is day 77 sober, yesterday I got some news. I really can’t share it now but if there is anyone out there that question if they should stay sober or anyone out there that is suffering. I can tell you dreams that are unimaginable dreams will come when you put that drink down and not only put the drink down but go inside yourself and do the work. The Work is hard at first but it turns into excitement because you start realizing that its really not work it’s more finding the essence of you. At Day one I never thought that this dream was even possible but only with staying sober doing the work, finding me has allowed this dream to come into existence. I started matching my words, thoughts and actions. I started to create from with in happiness, love and passion. This dream is going to take me to next level of happiness next level of bliss. I am so grateful; I cant even put into words. So today I weep of joy, with the lack of sleep and I am so ready to do what is necessary to not only hold on to this dream but also put the work that is needed into it. Sobriety is number one, Always and forever.

 

 So this a letter to anyone who is suffering, I was in bed on May 24 2014 crippled by Addiction but in the midst of my screams and cries, The misery, the pain, the lose. I realized at that moment, the reason for it all was Alcohol. At that moment I accepted the fact I was addict and not only accepted it wanting to change. This inner strength was very small and bleak at first but it was there, somehow I found it and hold on to it. Asked my higher power to strengthen it. At that moment that wants for a drink vanish and the want for life happened. It takes a lot of work, tears, letting go, becoming self aware on how the mind of the addiction works, The steps, finding a higher power you can surrender to, one that you understand it to be. I will always be a work in progress and don’t plan on being perfect, because once I think I’ve got it and I am perfect than I stop growing and I become stagnant. Its baby steps sometimes. In 77 days of being sober, everything is brighter, I feel peace and serenity, I have deep love for myself, I am inspired by everything from the light upon my skin, to the sweet air in my lungs, to a smile a person gives me, inspired by connections I made and will continue to make. Inspired by moments only my higher power and I had the opportunity to see. I used to think I had no love but I didn’t know that was created from within, I was always looking outside for love, outside for happiness. Now that I have love and happiness within myself, I can now share love and happiness with someone else.

 

I am so grateful for the men and women who have more days sober than me, you guys are my teachers, my strength, you give me tough love which is sometimes the most important kind of love, you paved a path walked by millions, on that path I see love shining from the pavement, on the side of the path I see supportive people cheering me on. I am so grateful for people who have less days sober than me because you inspire me to keep my courage lit so I can inspire courage with in you and cheer you on. The love I found in AA and outside AA is indescribable. People in recovery are some of the strongest people on this planet, to go from the depth of despair to a beacon of light. Sober is the New Black. I am extremely grateful for this dream and for friends in recovery.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

This clip from the film DreamGirls is how i feel at the moment its the Finale, That little girl in this clip Weeping in the  audience is my inner child weeping as I am about to embark on the dream. I am on stage singing to my inner child letting that child know its ok, time to go, I got this now

http://youtu.be/GLc9QZudVg8

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August 7, 2014

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DAY 76 Sober: A Power of A Shower, Sober Hangover

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DAY 76 Sober: A Power of A Shower

Hello friends, today is 76 sober. My work called me last night and they needed me to come in today. So I am here and feeling positive. I think it important for me to have a place where I can do a daily reflection from the day before. That usually happens in the morning or afternoon before I head out for the day. Somewhere where I can meet with my inner divine and ask it to guide me. My place is the shower, It’s kind of symbolic having yesterdays dust or filth wash away so my inner me can shine. Clean from the worries, the Stress, the wants, the needs. My prayer is for all the stuff to wash away and to instill greatness or whatever was lacking from the day before because I am not perfect but I want to always be working towards feeling whole inside. When I get sad or feeling stress or worried my shower is my safe place. Were I can cry or even scream if I need to. It was the place where I am always alone. Where it’s just my mind and me. I also get a lot of ideas in the shower. When I would get anxiety a nice shower would easy my nerves or if I was feeling sick a nice hot bath would sooth it.

 

The Shower growing up was so fun. My imagination would go wild. I would spend hours to the point my parents would pound on the door to get me out. I would use it as a slip and slide, a sea of possibility. As I got older the shower sometimes used for Adult fun. One of the greatest moments of my life happened in the shower. I was partying really hard the night before, I don’t think I ever did that much blow in one night and whiskey, I did so much I spun out. I got in the shower and had a horrible withdrawal attack.  My heart was pounding out of my chest, I had to go to the hospital. Ever since that day my anxiety has magnified. That incident saved my life and opened my eyes to how dangerous Cocaine is. After that incident I tried it a few times but I stopped soon after.

In a few ill be heading to a coffee shop close by so I can get most of my poems finish. They are coming along. All of them are different and its own living breathing thing. I will eventually turn them into a book. I am grateful for Sober is the New Black, for a positive mind, for the love that’s being created within, and my Showers

 

Beyonce XO  Video is how I feel at the moment. I am Madly in love with myself and so inspired with life, Even with the lights out. In the darkest night I search through the crowd and I find my inner divine.

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

 

 

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August 6, 2014

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DAY 75 Sober: Seeing Past Differences, Sober Hangover

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DAY 75 Sober: Seeing Past Differences

Hello Friends today is day 75 Sober. I have the next two days off, my goals to write and get most of poems finish. I have four done that just need to be polish. It’s a series of twelve poems all have a common thread of addiction. They are a bit dark but the ending will end with greatness. I am working to get it publish once its finish. Going to do a series once a year. It is taking some work but I know that the outcome will be great. Today I met someone who has a different view of life than I do. We sat at a bench and started talking, He is straight and I am gay but we both ended up seeing past are differences and notice we had some similar connections. One being a break up caused by us. So we shared stories, laughed, shared deep stuff and got very vulnerable. To the point I had tears in my eyes. In that moment for me I only saw similarities. In that moment I knew there was a lesson to be learn, seeing past my own ego and to only focus on similarities and eventually what separates us will no longer exits because I value friendship over ego. He was open to it having a conversation that allowed that to happen and I have to know some people are committed to not understanding me, or my addiction, or my program. Other people might not want open up and only see difference, that’s ok, I can’t focus on that. When I was suffering with Addiction I was always getting offended by what people said or did. When people had opinion that didn’t match mine I would take it personally, my feelings would be so hurt. Now I really want to work on seeing past differences. Not letting other people views affect my emotions that stop me from building a connection.

 

Affirmation is something I will be implementing in my life, in the morning and before bed. Now that I am getting rid of those negative thoughts I want add positive thoughts, thinking them and also saying them out loud. Life has been pretty amazing in the past 75 days; everything is becoming clear and peaceful. I am seeing people in a different light and my passion for writing is the strongest it’s ever been. I will keep working on my Recovery program so Alcohol- ISM (Inside Self & Mind) voice eventually fade away. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for life, for you the reader and for the peace I feel.

 

 

 

Stay Connect with love,  Adolfo

 

Switchfoot Dare you to move is such a powerful song

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August 5, 2014

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DAY 74 Sober: My Bottom, Sober Hangover

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DAY 74 Sober: My Bottom

Hello friends, today is day 74 sober.  No cravings since May 24 2014. That’s when I became aware of the Mental and body disorder called Alcoholism. The awareness came so Quickly, from one second to the next. It just clicked that I was an addict, for the longest time my mind or the voice of the Addiction would talk me out of me Accepting it but in that moment  Not only did I believe  I was an addict with every cell of my body, I also wanted to stop with every cell. I connected all the dots back to Alcohol, the state of mind I was in, the broken heart, the lack of people around me, all the love was gone, my car, anything and everything bad that had happen up to that point was caused by substances, Weed, Alcohol and cocaine.

 

My bottom was lying in bed by myself, healing from a car wreck, losing the love of my life, seeing loved ones living life while I was in misery. . For the first time ever going to court with a restraining order, I was so far form my true self. I had no passion for anything, no goals, no hope, wanting my life to end but I was to chicken to do it myself or maybe there was a small bit of hope that kept me going. I was becoming an all day drinker and even when I wasn’t drinking I was not my true self. I would get anxiety when I didn’t have a drink after a certain time. Everything good was disappearing little by little, I was getting very depressed. I did not want to do anything without being drunk. I had a fatty liver and my body started to feel horrible. I lost most of my friends.

 

I used to think my thoughts are who I am, but it’s not, I am the thing that creates the thoughts. I realized I choose’d misery. I always hid my booze from people, anywhere and everywhere, in hallways of buildings like a squirrel. When I left my ex I got my own place and I still hid my booze from myself. I must have been ashamed of myself. I feel like the mind disorder new my mind was shifting and wanted to plant stashes so maybe I can slip up but once I became aware of the mind disorder than that allowed me to have a spiritual awakening. That voice in my head lost power and so did the body craving. The mental part of the disorder goes deeper. The voice will always be with me but I believe it will become so quite I might not even hear it anymore but I have to keep doing my work and be in the moment or else that voice will come back and it might even resurface in other areas, like self doubt, anger, jealously, short temper, fear, no patience, stubborn. I have to change all my defects but I have to first figure out what caused it in the first place, the root of the Addiction.

 

In AA I hear people say some are sicker than others and I am starting to see it and I don’t want that for me. I want to live with an open heart and mind. To let go of ego and judgment, to see people only in the good light, to create from within, always be grateful, forgive everything, and to always be honest with others and myself. Honesty for me is something I was never taught as a child. I was told to lie to everyone about my home life. The minute I start being dishonest that disorder gets it power back. I know if I pick up again I will die. I wont let that happen and I will always be working not towards perfection but to be whole in the moment. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for this sweet air the universe provides me, I grateful for learning how to be honest, I am grateful for healthy Discipline, and for the courage that has always been inside me hidden under addiction.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

Mariah Carey Hero is so great. there is a hero in me and in you. 

 

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August 4, 2014

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DAY 73 Sober: Learning Something New Everyday, Sober Hangover

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DAY 73 Sober: Learning Something New Everyday

Hello friends, today is day 73 sober, I just woke up from an amazing nap, I could have slept more but I need to get up and write. Writing for me has been such a helpful healer. Also I also love the fact I can go back if I need to remind myself or reflect. Writing has force me to go deep and heal my inner self, and has cleared my mind. People have been reaching out from all over the world, people who are in recovery and people who have family members who are currently suffering. There a few that do not understand Sober is the New Black but I can’t waste energy on people who are committed to not understanding me. I am grateful for all the people who are sharing their stories. They are my teachers and I’m up for learning.  I am at a busy cafe near downtown LA. Yesterday I was here and a coffee shop boy saw me writing away, he walked over pulled up a chair and asked me what is it that I was writing. That never happens, I was shocked and coffee’d up so a bit nervous. I was working on my series of addiction poems. He wanted to read them; I love readers so I let him. I need to see the reader point of the poem and she if my point came across. He said they were dark I can see that. He also mentioned he seen me before ordering coffee and I should cheer up a bit. Which is surprising because I am usually smiling. I told him I was either tired or focus. He wasn’t bad on the eyes and we chatted the rest of the night. He actually works at the coffee shop. That Incident got me thinking; on how far into a meeting someone new do I let them know I am in recovery. Should it be the first thing I mention and should I prepare for ignorant questions, which is fine not everyone understands it. 

I want everybody to know the space I am in and they can choose if that’s ok with them but if not than oh well. I know I am only 73 days sober but I was wondering if it’s easier to date someone in recovery, do two addicts mix well. I also cant put to much thought into it, I have to let the universe do its job and I cant help who I fall for. That guy was really nice and made me laugh the whole time, which are pluses.  No digit’s, need to focus on myself. I wouldn’t mind a cuddle buddy. Companionship is something I miss about being with someone. Let them know how my day went. Today I found out I am a great basketball player. I want to start trying new things and a friend was playing so I decided why not, I have great shooting technique and made most of the 3 pointers. I am five four, gay, and inactive so finding that out was so empowering! I will continue to play basketball. I love workouts that don’t seem like workouts, tennis, Racquetball, and swimming. Now I can add Basketball. For A brief moment my father force me into little league, which was horrible experience. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for my friend the reader, for basketball and for that coffee shop boy who took time out his life to bring me a laugh.photo-7

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

Fleetwood Mac Landslide is amazing and just wanted to add it to this post. Love me some Stevie Nicks

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August 3, 2014

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DAY 72 Sober: Adolfo In the Moment, Sober Hangover

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DAY 72 Sober: Adolfo In the Moment

Hello friends today is Day 72 sober, I was up late last night writing away at Starbucks on my walk back home it started to rain which in august is kind of weird but I embraced it. After a great writing session I birth a new poem. I am very excited to share it with everyone soon. The walk home was so beautiful, when I got to the front of my apartment building I found myself sitting in the rain, embracing the beauty of the universe. I am such a small part and I am very grateful. People around me are telling me I’ve changed, that I seemed calmer and happier. In responses I say, I am the Adolfo that’s always been afraid to come out but Adolfo is no longer afraid, also has passion to become great. I sometimes find myself walking home and tears starts to flow not of pain but of joy. Knowing that I feel joy and peace with being sober, something I never knew was possible. People say life keeps getting better, my mind can’t imagine the joy inside being any greater than it is. Sobriety has brought me such peace and only with that peace I see the world from a different view, life smells sweet, and everything looks brighter from the light the shines upon me to the night gloom that surrounds me. People also say it’s a pink cloud phase and it will pass, well my goal is to never let it pass and even the worse days of sobriety is a pink cloud over a fun day drunk.

 

Addiction for me is a blessing because it forced me into recovery so I can begin healing my past and my wrongs, than it introduce me to that Inner divine, the co creator of life that allows endless possibility. If I didn’t have Addiction than I would still be walking around a bitter hop of past and pain. I can now see a clear path, what I need to do to get to my long-term goal. Constant work and discipline is keeping my mind focus. Nothing comes before my sobriety because without it I have nothing. I lose myself. Alcohol killed everything alive in my life, and preserves everything that is dead. It’s never too late to change your thought process and gain control over the mind. We are all powerful and capable. For me Alcoholism started in my mind in the form of thoughts that lead to the body. I recently became aware that my thoughts are controlled by me. Than with that I was able to do the work, learn to be happy, made different choices, deal with feelings and forgive my past and myself. I am not perfect, I don’t know all the answers but I want to learn all about myself so I can heal, I want to learn everything, I want to be the best for me and others. I am a work in progress. I want be in constant growth and evolving, not being stagnant in fear created by my mind. With that said I will buying a plane ticket somewhere so I can face my fear of flying, not sure where but it needs to happen. This is me in the moment, changing with every second of sobriety. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for love, finding myself, and meeting my inner divine. No one can take away what I create inside myself.

 

Natasha Bedingfield Unwritten is how i feel in this moment

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

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August 2, 2014

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DAY 71 Sober: Meeting Gloria Estefan, Sober Hangover

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DAY 71 Sober: Meeting Gloria Estefan

Hello friends today is day 71 sober, I just woke up from an amazing nap. I did not get the best sleep last night. There is a couple that continues to fight above my floor and it reminds me of my of my parents fighting, I’ve called the cops so many times. Her Screech is very is very haunting. I just hope she finds the courage to leave and knows her worth. My rewrites have been good going to pick it up again in a bit. Last night I had to put it down because my mind and eyes couldn’t function anymore, I was up late.

 

Last year around this time I got to meet Gloria Estefan, who is a brilliant singer and inspiration. Kathy Griffin hosted this Q&A slash Album release party for Gloria fan’s. I’ve always been a fan of Gloria and listen to hear music growing up. Growing up her music took me away from that nightmare into a fairytale. Dancing and music is such a healing tool I also use today.

 

When I was in the midst of my Addiction most of the time I was functioning. Addiction and Alcoholism showed up in my life in lying, deceitfulness and conniving, I never harmed anyone physically. Vince was the photographer for the event and the whole week I was bugging to go, hoping. Thinking of a conga outfit. I got approved. We showed up before anyone else; I was sitting on the couch and in walks Gloria, Emilio, and Kathy. I was so nervous like a mouse I didn’t speak at all. They were doing interviews and Vince was getting candid shoots. At that time I notice they were setting up an open bar and right away my inner addiction voice starts going off, it was a constant battle, a painful battle. I knew If I picked up a drink than I would be lying to my partner but I was powerless and at the time I wasn’t in recovery so I didn’t have the tools, I do now. Once it started Vince went his way, I headed to the bar. Putting an untreated alcoholic at an open bar is like putting a Starved man in a locked room with tons of food and telling him not to eat. My mind convinced me a powerless person, to walk over and grab a drink so I did. To be in front of booze and not drink was mentally and physically painful. I would panic and be anxiety ridden. Suffering the whole time. I was chugging and hiding from Vince most of the time. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be sober for this amazing moment And I must be the worst boyfriend an ungrateful boyfriend. This was a huge night for Vince and I couldn’t have been strong for him. I pounded drinks until tell I got that feeling I was chasing.

 

 

I kept it a secret for so long but I needed to write it down so it wont be that infection of guilt that is eating my inside causing my immune system or my healing to get weak. Not every secret needs to be spoken out loud, some secrets you can forgive your self and not do it again. There are some amazing things, sliver linings from that night. I got to meet Gloria Estefan who inspired me at a young age to fight for what I want, she is a survivor. Now when I look back I am filled with gratefulness for Vince who gave me the opportunity to meet her. I told Vince she was the cutest thing ever and when I went to go speak to her she repeated it back to me. Emilio Estefan was so kind to everyone he came into contact with. Gloria made sure everyone got a picture and she spoke to everyone. She is really funny too. Not sure if I thanked Vince for this and many blessing he brought me. Coming from where I did, I never thought I would ever be in the same room let alone have a moment with her. I am so grateful for 71 days sober, for Gloria Estefan and for Vince. Sober is the New black 

Photography Credit: Vincent Sandoval

Photo Credit: Vincent Sandoval

 

This video of Gloria and Oprah Winfrey is so inspiring. Discipline, baby steps and getting back on is some of the just some of the inspirational words I am taking away. Hope it helps others.

http://youtu.be/-fhA67i27oM

 

 

 

 

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August 1, 2014

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DAY 70 Sober: The Best Is Yet To Come, Sober Hangover

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DAY 70 Sober: The Best Is Yet To Come

Hello end of day 70 sober, I usually lay in bed and reflect on what I could work on for tomorrow and let the universe know what I am grateful for in the moment. Hopefully I have another day so I can work towards my goals and love. I enjoy hearing people stories it helps me, empowers me. Everybody is a great teacher, a master of their life and everybody has the capacity to learn from every person they encounter, doesn’t matter age, race, or gender. Every person I encounter has a lesson for me, I just need to listen without judgement and preconceived notion. Be open to others. This video is such a powerful one, Fight the battle in front of you. Robin Roberts.  Sober is The New Black

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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August 1, 2014

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DAY 70 Sober: Writers Bliss, Sober Hangover

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DAY 70 Sober: Writers Bliss

Hello friends today has been an amazing 70 days sober, I am at a cafe writing away. I just finish a great writing session with a coworker. He is a great writer, brilliant thinker. This was are first session,  sure not the last. I finish my first poem that is perfect, stamped and approved. I need 11 more to go. You know when the poem is perfect, it more of a feeling inside yourself, nothing can be changed or nothing can be added. It is what it is, its own living breathing thing. I am grateful for being sober because it has brought me endless possibility. I was unaware of the process it takes to create a book, The rewrites,  I have always been very insecure when it comes to anyone reading my work but its a dance between the writer and the reader and I need my point to comes across clear. My vision. 

I will  continue the process,  I need balance so i did my mental work and long term work now ill be watching some mindless TV with some junk food. Yesterday i spent the day with Lenny, I love spending time with her she makes everything very comfortable, being myself without hesitation, and we love to laugh at each other. Everybody needs that friend. I start back at work tomorrow, Ill probably be laying low for the rest of the week, I need to force my creativity to flow at home. So i have to work on that muscle also i need to carry a note pad and pen everywhere. I have a forget full mind and my mac and phone are not alway accessible. So far i have achieve my goals for today. I feel very blessed and beyond focus, beyond driven. I know great things are on the horizon. I feel it with every cell and bone because with every cell and bone i know booze will not be that blockade any longer. Life is to amazing not live sober and clear minded. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for fellow writers, for healthy criticism, and the opportunity to build healthy relationships. 

Saw this video of Ingrid Michaelson and loved it

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

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July 31, 2014

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DAY 69 Sober: New Normal Is Now Normal, Sober Hangover

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DAY 69 Sober: New Normal Is Now Normal

Hello friends today is day 69 sober, I love sleeping in on my days off. Letting my mind and body wake up on their own. My mind is usually up first and my body soon follows. Today I will be spending the day with my friend Lenny we are going to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Premiere. I grew up watching the films, TV shows, and playing the video game, Really Excited for this sober fun. I am at home typing on my desk; I am trying to get me used to writing at home. It will save me a lot more time, at night in bed I get inspired but that window is a short one. I was unaware of how many rewrites you have to do when you are writing a book my goal was to be done by tomorrow but I realize that was unrealistic and when its done its done being rewritten than it has to get edited again. Going to rewrite the shit out of it. I feel like the more I rewrite it the more it changes and I am afraid of it becoming lost if that make sense but I have to keep pushing through.

 

 

I have yet to having a craving for whiskey, wine, or beer. Those three were my best friends I counted on them most of the time and they were there at all times. Just because someone or something is there for you doesn’t always mean they have good intentions or is a something that benefits you. My body has been change, I feel I am still sweating out the booze today I woke up and took a walked to the local coffee shop and when I got back in I was a bit sweaty and it smelled like old beer, so nasty. Loneliness in the beginning of your recovery is a very natural thing because I hit rock bottom and everything taken away from me except my mind and higher power. I had to create a new normal and that could be lonely because everything is unfamiliar but this new normal is slowly becoming my normal. I find myself also thinking of my ex Vince less and less.

 

When I do, it’s when I hear a joke that only him and I would get or see something that we both would have laughed at. I can’t wait for him to find that love he deserves. He is such an amazing person and I was incapable at the time to give him what he needed in a partner. I was mentally not fully aware of my issues. I want him to only find the best and don’t settle for anything less. A man that would let him grow and make mistakes like he did for me. Someone who loves Britney spears concerts and that gets up  for an early hike. A man that fits like a glove to his life and goals, a man who has deep love for his friends and family. Someone who forces Vince to be the best he can be everyday and motivates him like he did for me. Someone who looks him in the eyes always and wants to now everything about vince.  I also want to find someone who is a better fit for me. Yesterday I was on my Facebook timeline and saw my old post and how  delusional, in denial and unaware of how bad of shape are relationship was. Kind of like my mother. It crazy because I was a similar version of my parents and today I never been so determine to not end up like them. I have the same blood and addiction but the clear difference is my mind and thoughts! I am a survivor and will not become them.  I wake up and I ask my higher power to guided my shoes in a different path going the opposite direction. I am so grateful because I feel like the ultimate teacher in my life is Addiction that put me into recovery that  forces me to be the best I can be in every moment, it brought me my higher power, it forces me go deep within myself so I can find my core issues, it’s teaching me how to love myself and love others. Its teaching me how to have goals and brought my passion for writing and film back. Its teaching accepting what happens to me and endure pain and to coupe with these feelings inside me. I never had parents to teach me these things but addiction sure has! Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for a clear mind, being a work in progress, and for my readers who take time out of their day to check in on mine. Now that I am sober I am surrounded with so much love only because I am creating love within me for myself!

I know now and understand why Vincent had to leave, he had to save himself and it took a lot of courage and strength. This video below I believe sums it up.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo