Sober is the New Black
Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez
Hello Friends, Today is day 106 sober, It really early in the morning. Right now my heart is in a million pieces, I had to let go of the most important man that I have ever met. I love him more than anyone I have ever met. He was my first everything, we even shared a moment of losing are daughter Maggie which I am so grateful I had him next to me. He saw me at my worst and help me get to this point. I thought I was strong enough to be a friend but I am not. I also can’t expect to just walk back in his life like nothing happen.
I am just confused as he is, I been in love with him for the past year without him being in my life. I know I want him in my life but I don’t know how to be a friend without being constantly hurt. I don’t want to be a selfish asshole but I want to be happy? I feel like I am losing my soul mate. Should I suffer for a maybe at something great? I don’t know if I can wait a year or two or three because he might not even want me. I know I will never love another man like him or find a catch like him
My addiction caused his heart so much fear, I don’t even think me reaching my full potential could take away the fear or worries he has. I want him to find someone better than me he deserves it, he really does. I don’t know if he is fully healed from what I have done, I am not even sure if he thinks I am worth healing for. This is what I do know, I do know I love him, I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I do know my addiction caused this, I do know its unfair for me to ask him for a decision so I must go, I do know I cant be friends with someone I am in love with because my heart will be in constant fear he might ended up with someone else. I do know I could have been friends if I was not in love because we are in constant laughter when we are around each other. I never knew he had feelings for me because he did not want me to know. I do know he tried and I Extremely grateful. I do know it took a lot for him to reach out after what I have done.
I wish i can fix his heart. I wish i can wash away his fears. I wish i was as strong for him as he was for me. i wish i was never an addict, I wish I dealt with my issues before I met HIM, I wish I would have gotten up early so I could of had more moments with him, I wish I was open to hikes and been more considerate. I wish I never took a sip of booze, I wish I told him I relapse and not be so scared to, I wish I never keyed the car, I wish I would had hugged him more and kisses him more. I wish I made an effort with his friends and the relationship. I wish we got on that damn plane! I wish I was Aware he was losing himself because of my issues. I wish I told him everyday how amazingly beautiful he is and how much I loved him, I wish my actions met my words in the relationship, I wish when it was are 6 months I should have let him go with his friend for the weekend and not be such a baby, I wish I never had hurt him and made him shed all those tears. I wish I planned more stuff out for us to do,
I WISH I HAD THE 3 YEAR EXPERIENCE OF US BUT HAD CHANCE TODAY.
I do know life is short. I do know I will always be sober. I don’t care if people think other wise. My goal wasn’t to hurt him. He probably hates me right now. My goal was for him to get to know me and I hope he did. When I lay my head down at night he is the last thing on my mind and the first thing when I wake. When my phone beeps I hope it’s him. I know he doesn’t feel those things for me. I don’t even think he misses me. I don’t care if people think it’s weird that I wanted a relationship with him, I follow my heart not my mind. My love for him never left. I do understand his hesitation. I know I will never stop loving him, I know if he called me now I will drop everything to have one more moment with him laughing. I do know he will always be my elf. I need to be happy, so some more life changes are going to happen, I will be quitting my nonprofit tomorrow I need more time to write. I end with this song and a story I wrote for my elf.
I will be taking a week off of blogging so I can clear my mind, just need a bit of a break away from social media. I will return sober! I hope you understand.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez
Hello Friends, today is day 103 sober and it’s been a long day but a sober day that means I am dealing with life how life is meant to feel. I Work in Venice CA and its beautiful place a few minutes away from the beach, everything is laid back and so green, a big difference then Downtown Los Angeles. I would not mind living on the Westside but I do love the city a bit more.
August has passed and it brought me so many gifts, old friends, new friends, new goals and a new logo for Sober is the New Black. Life is pretty amazing sober, never thought those words would match with a deep feeling in me but it does. Sober is me. I have been healing some of the issue I carried from my childhood into an adult. My babysitter molesting me is something I never spoke about, one person new and that was Vince. I had know no one to tell growing up my parents were battling addiction and so I had to cope on my own. My childhood was like one horrible experience after another. My Molestation happened a few times. I had to be around 3years old but remember most of it; he had to be in high school. I wasn’t getting any attention from my parents, and this guy was giving hugs and kisses so I think I felt loved. It did escalate into other stuff I remember at that age looking forward to it because the sensation felt good. I think being molested was a gateway into being sexually active very young and very aggressive about it. Not really taking care of my body, I’ve been very blessed I never end up with a life threating STD. I would seek love in men and would also seek validation I never received growing up.
I realize now whatever I was searching for in men could only be found in me. I was always looking outside myself to fill the inside, well no more. Everything I need is already in me or can be created by me only. This is a poem written in a past tense. I am no longer this but this was my past that got me here today and I don’t feel ashamed one bit because i am not my mistakes. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for the respect I have for my body now, for sobriety, for real love, for writing, and for this blog so I can be honest about my moral inventory and know that my mistakes are blessing because they are growth opportunities.
Sober is the New Black
Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez
“Tonight will be the last night i’ll be in my double digits in my lifetime.#99dayssober“
Adolfo Vasquez
Sober is the New Black