600 days of sober

Hello Friends, today is 600 days of sober. I just got back from a three-week vacation in Palm Springs Ca. Palm springs is my hometown so I was surrounded by supportive family and friends. Seeing the ones I love with sober eyes and a clean mind is a great gift. Being in the moment around them and feeling noting but gratitude. The New Year will bring upon some amazing moments like my first novel being published, plus my job ending this month so I can start writing full time.  All I have to do is stay sober and believe in the universe and god guiding my feet

 

After healing old wounds, I started working on finding my true self.  What helped me in finding my true self was finding what I wasn’t.

 

I was born without any knowledge, or awareness of my own self.  Right away I became aware of my false self.  It has to be this way because my eyes open outward, so does the body senses.  Ears listening to others, tongue tasting outside foods.  First drinking breast milk from my mother.  All these senses open outward, learning from what others “tell me” or “show me” about myself.

Birth means coming into this world.  My mother is the first thing I came into contact with than I became aware of my own body.  My body becomes part of the outside world. My body getting hungry for outside food. I become dependent on surviving from what is given to me from the outside.

 Once I am done eating and fulfilled from the outside than I look down, becoming aware of toes.  My mother pulls on my toes and calling them toes, so I am learning early on who I am and what I am from others.

 A small ego is created , at that point I am looking to my parents on finding out who I am.  A false awareness is reflected by how others think of me and feel of me.  I am too fresh, too green and not aware of who I am.  My bones are still forming and can be broken easily, just like my mind, heart and soul.

The ego is born, through love and care, if I felt good and valuable, if I had some significance. Most of my life I knew what others thought me but not really who I was. “Living a life as a reflection of what others think” .  My early memories I felt unappreciated so my ego was born ill, sad, and worthless.

My parents built the foundation of my being and ego, others joined them in later years. My world grew as it did my ego became more developed.

 If I grew up living in the jungle isolated, I may not have an ego but would grow up like an animal even than I would never know true self.

 As a child I tried to make my parents proud and happy but they were addicts showing me rejection. I started seeking validation in others taking that into adulthood. Trying to please everyone in sight. As a child I acted out and tried hard to achieve attention that I lacked.

 I was born with two cores completely unaware that one core is true self and the second core is created through life called ego. Others early on shaped my ego core. This core is false, because nobody can shape the real core or true self.

 My Ego core is shaken when I do not receive what it needs, validation, respect, admiration, likes on Facebook.  If I did great in school I was rewarded with a toy that toy became an extension of myself and when I lost that toy I cried and felt I lost part of myself.

The more the ego receives the more the ego wants.  The bigger the ego core gets.  Early on we are taught subconsciously that the outside is an extension of who we are but that is false.  Trying to fit into society, feeling inadequate or ugly if I gained a few pounds.  My ego was growing bigger and bolder by society.

 Finding true self can be known only through false self. The ego is a passageway to my true self.  The real can be known only through life illusions.

 My core was a mirror of the world opinions of myself throughout life. The moment I started separating false self was day one sober, I didn’t know it at the time but I knew drinking was no longer part of me.  I wanted to change and knew if I wanted to find a better life or a whole me I would have to put down the bottle.

 First I have to know what are not my true self, my home, other opinions, and my past addiction. When I can see the false than I can see and understand my truth.  My ego is always in search to become bigger, wanting to survive. Somebody should appreciate it.

 My ego core is designed to control me, pull me away from my true self.  I have to behave in a certain way, because only then society appreciates me. I have to walk a certain way; laugh not so loud, follow a certain code of manners, a morality.  If society doesn’t appreciate me than my ego core will be shaken and when my ego core is shaken, I don’t know where I am going or who I am.

 

I have to get rid of all parts of the ego to attain my True core.

 

There comes a period when the ego core shatters. When I know nothing of who I am, or where to go. All the boundaries start to melt away. A feeling comes over of not caring what others think me.  I start doing stuff that I naturally enjoy doing.  I’m somewhat confused, feeling empty inside and chaos seems to be around.  This will cause fear because my ego was the source I look to, to guide me in life. I had to pass through the chaos before I found my true-self core.

 

Once I became sober I was able to take the ego core apart little by little by understanding that is the cause of all my misery and false. Everything started to settle. I started to just exist; everything suddenly became beautiful but a different kind of beauty. This beauty is louder and easy to see, it’s in everything.

 Whenever I was feeling suffering or great sadness or anger, I had to watch and analyze, somewhere in that misery I will find the ego.  The ego goes on finding reasons to feel those things. This ego comes continuously in conflict with others because every ego is  not confident about itself. Is has to be, it is a false thing.

For Example if I had my hand closed with nothing in it but I started believing there was something in it, a problem is born. I would fight with others  who . made me aware that I am carrying nothing. Anyone calling me something that I don’t identify with is like hammering a nail in a wound. The ego is false.

A person who finds their core of true self is never in fights with others, others may come and fight but a person who is their true self will never fight back with anyone.  You may hit, argue or try and fight with an enlightened man, but that is your problem, not his. And if you are hurt in that clash, that too is your own problem. He cannot hurt you.

 The ego lives for attention, any attention even if somebody is fighting and angry with you, even if somebody loves you or not loving you. The Ego has attention. If nobody is paying any attention, nobody thinks that you are somebody important, significant, then the ego will come out.

 Others attention is needed with an ego. There are a million ways I can attract attention from others. In the past I would dress a certain way trying to look beautiful, get skinny or behave in certain way. Become very polite, or depending on the situation changing so others immediately notice the change so others pay attention.

If I lost everything that surrounded me, if the whole world suddenly disappeared, or if the outside world is in chaos, it won’t make any difference because my true-self core is always still.

 If my husband leaves me for somebody else.  My ego core will be completely shattered because he is paying attention to some one that is not I.  He is now caring and loving someone that is not I.  He is no longer helping my ego core feel that I am somebody important. When I lost my ex of three years I felt as if my whole empire was lost.  On top of Dealing with an addiction I started thinking about suicide. I  can reflect back on why because I had no center of my own. Vince was my center; he was giving me a center.

 This is how people exist. This is how people become dependent on others. It is a deep slavery. Ego has to be a slave. It depends on others. Only a person who has no ego is for the first time a master; he is no longer a slave.

I have to look for the ego not in others, that is none of my business, but in myself.  Whenever I feel miserable, immediately I’ll close my eyes trying to find where the misery is coming. I will always find it’s the false ego core that has clashed with someone. I expected something and it didn’t happen or I expected something and the opposite happened. Whenever I am miserable, I have to find out why.

What causes misery isn’t outside us. It’s within us but we are program to always look outside. Asking ourselves

Who is making me miserable?
Who is the cause of my anger?
Who is the cause of my anguish?
And if we keep looking outside we will miss what it is that is causing misery.

Just close the eyes and look within. The source of all misery, anger, anguish, is hidden in you and I. The ego.

If I find the source, it will be easy to move beyond it.  If I can’t see it’s my ego that gives me trouble, I will prefer to drop it because nobody can carry the source of misery if they understand it.

 There is no need to delete the ego. I cannot delete it.  If I try to delete it, I will attain to a certain clever ego again which says, “I have become humble.” I can’t try to be humble. That again is the ego hiding but it’s not dead.  Nobody can try humility, and nobody can create humility through any effort of their own.  When the ego is no more a humbleness just comes. It is not a creation. It’s more of a shadow of the real center.

A really humble man is neither humble nor egoistic. He is simply “simple.”  He’s not even aware that he is humble. If you are aware that you are humble, the ego is there. Look at humble a person. There are millions who think that they are very humble. They bow down very low, but watch them they have the cleverest ego. Now humility is their source of food. They say, “I am humble,” and then they look at you and they wait for you to appreciate them.

“You are really humble,” they would like you to say. ” In fact,  you are the most humble man in the world; nobody is as humble as you are.” Then see the smile that comes on their faces.

What is ego? Ego is a hierarchy that says, “No one is like me.” It can feed on humbleness – “Nobody is like me, I am the most humble man.”

This is how the ego goes. It is so  cunning. We have to be very alert, only then we will be able to see it. Don’t try to be humble. Just try to see that all misery, all anguish comes through it.

No need to delete the ego. We cannot take it away or delete the ego. If we try to delete the ego than the person trying to delete the ego is the ego. It always comes back.

 Stand outside the ego and watch it work, try to understand it. Nothing I do like becoming more humble, getting humility, or become simple nothing will help.  Only one thing is possible, and that is just to watch and see that it is the source of all misery. Don’t say it. Don’t repeat it – WATCH. Because if I say it is the source of all misery and you repeat it, then it is useless. YOU have to come to that understanding. Whenever you are miserable, just close the eyes and don’t try to find some cause outside. Try to see from where this misery is coming.

 If you continuously feel and understand that the ego is the cause of misery than the understanding becomes so deep-rooted, one day you will suddenly see that it has disappeared.  Nobody deletes it – nobody can delete it. You simply see it has simply disappeared, because the very understanding that ego causes all misery becomes the deleting. The very understanding is the disappearance of the ego.

 The whole path towards divine, has to pass through the ego core.  The false has to be understood as false.  The source of misery has to be understood as the source of misery – then it simply deletes.

 When you know it is poison, it deletes.  When you know it is fire, it deletes.  When you know this is hell, it deletes.  Then you simply laugh at the joke that you were the creator of all misery.

A child building a sand castle while he sits in the middle, laboring away as the walls go up. A moment will come when he is enclosed; all around he has made a wall.  Then he cries, “Help, help!” He has done the whole thing! Now he is enclosed, imprisoned.

This is childish, but this is what I have done in my life. I made a painful house all around myself and cried, “Help, help!” The misery becomes stronger because there are helpers who are also in the same boat.  It is difficult to see one’s own ego.  It is very easy to see others ego but that is not the point, I cannot help others see their ego, each ego is different. I Just watch it my own ego.

I can’t be in a hurry to delete it, I have to just watch it.  The more I watch, the more capable I will become.  Suddenly one day, I simply see that it was deleted and when it deletes by itself, only then it is gone.  There is no other way.  Prematurely I cannot delete it.  It will drop like a dead leaf.

The tree is not doing anything – just a breeze, a situation, and the dead leaf simply drops.  The tree is not even aware that the dead leaf has dropped.  It makes no noise,  it makes no claim – nothing. The dead leaf simply drifts and lands on the ground, just like that.

When you are mature through understanding, awareness, and you have felt totally that ego is the cause of all your misery simply one day you see the dead leaf dropping. It settles on the ground, dies off on it’s own accord.  You have not done anything so you cannot claim that you have deleted it.

You notice it has simply disappeared. That is when True Self arises and that real center is the soul, the self, the god, the truth, or whatever you want to call it. It is nameless so all names are good. You can give it any name of your own liking. Sober is the New Black

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

I Recently did an interview with After party Magazine. Here it is, hope it help’s inspire others to get sober or stay sober.

https://rehabreviews.com/reader-spotlight-got-sober-adolfo/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18 Months Sober: Finding True Self

Hello Friends today is 18 months sober, some time has past since my last blog post. In that time a lot of changes, growth, vacations and challenges have surfaced in my life, some amazing and some fearful. One thing remained the same. The want to stay clean and sober. Sobriety is the foundation to grow endless possibility. On November 11 2015 I turned thirty. I celebrated with family and loved ones. My twenties were filled with many beautiful lessons I will take into my thirty’s. In my thirties I will work towards a more balanced lifestyle in all aspect of my life, taking actions in facing my fears, working towards whatever my head can dream. Taking what I’ve learned in my twenties applying them in my thirties. I never thought I would make it to my thirties, but I now know its because of the higher power or ultimate creator, I will no longer take for granted this beautiful gift called life. Looking out the window knowing God created air for our lungs and our five senses to experience the beauty in life.

 

Everyday we experience something we will never experience again, you just have search and be open. Today I was driving and looked out a bumble in a window and at that moment a light shine through creating a beautiful pattern of colors, the minute I drove off it went away. Life is beautiful and moves quickly, slowing down allows our eyes to see the beauty in everything. Be inspired by the light shining in a cracked window to the dust floating in the light. 

 

One of my fears growing up has been a fear of flying so for my thirtieth Birthday I wanted to overcome this fear. For the first time I took my first plane ride. It felt incredible pushing past my fear. I even looked out the window as we landed bringing me to tears. The city lights glowing like a million stars in a galaxy.

 

 A while back I started finding the things I identify myself with. The “My’s” of life. When I say, “This is my home”, who is the one saying my home? That is “I” or the soul. The “my” and “I” should always be separated like two parallel lines that should never become one. They can work together throughout life but separating these two helps me find true self.

 

So I made a list of all the “my” in life.

 

My home and all the things in my home, my friends, and my family are all on the “My’” line. I can no longer identified myself with the “MY” of life. I am not my home or the stuff that surrounds me everyday. So I started to dive deeper in separating the “my” and the “I”. My past, my addiction, my situations, my current circumstances, and my experience’s are not “I”. They are here to teach me who “I” is but they don’t define me.

 

I don’t say I am past, I am ego, I am experience I say my past, my ego, my experience. The “I” is a soul having a human experience with the “MY”.

 

True Self is the ‘I” and is precisely what I am. Whatever remains after the separation of the “MY” is true Self. ‘I’ is the Real me. I am totally separate from everything that is mine. If I lost my home, a family member or friend, the “I” or true self remains whole.

 I am put on this earth to find true self and experience life with the human body. Striping myself from the “My” and “false self” becoming one with the “I” and soul.

 

Diving deeper, am I my emotions or feelings? I am not my emotions or feelings. Emotions are a beautiful thing that the body brings the soul to experience this thing called life but the soul or “I” controls the emotions and embrace’s them for exactly what they are.  Emotions are passing and will go away and the “I” or the soul is still left.

The I and soul are born pure and innocent, my natural state is joy and happiness

In my early stages of sobriety when I started striping away my false self. A fear of society came over me but I had to accept myself whole. What I like about myself, what I disliked about myself, everything in between. I had to be my own greatest fan and best friend. I also had to accept others for who they are without my own expectations or ego. My Relationships have improved with loved ones, friends and family. People who I lost due to my past addiction are coming back into my life. I no longer focus energy on what others think of me and focus my energy where it really counts: achieving my own personal growth and achieving dreams.

I am also becoming aware of my strengths and weakness. Building on my strengths, recognize my weakness and building that gap between the two. I believe connecting with my feelings and writing is strength but grammar can be a weakness so I work extra hours, or will eventually take creative writing class or hire an editor. Being aware of my weakness is a great gift to myself.

 

 I wore labels on my skin my whole life. I thought I was the label like an abused child, a drug addict and alcoholic, or my political stance, a writer, a friend. If I took away any of those labels do I become any less? No I don’t. If I lose my fingers and can no longer write. I am still whole inside. The “I” is still intact. I was in 3-year relationship that consumed my whole being. When we split up, I felt lost because I allowed my identity to become defined by “My” relationship. Those labels aren’t who I am. If I was a husband and got a divorced, I am no longer qualified as a husband and if I defined myself on that one label I would be lost when it gets taken away. The more labels I put on myself the more I bury my true self.

 

I use to thrive on the labels, a collection of pain. While in sobriety I came to find I am greater than any label. The labels and the “my” were ingrained in me by my past and parents. My mother is a catholic and so I grew up thinking I was going to be a catholic but as I got older I did not connect with those beliefs. Our parents have a huge part in burying our true self from what we are taught at an early age.

 

Letting go of the Ego is hard but is done in small sections like the tree in my stepmother yard. We can’t just lift it out of the ground and throw it away but instead we’ve been cutting off pieces at a time. The same approach is with letting go of the false beliefs that make up my ego. Detaching myself from individual thoughts that reinforce my ego. Letting go of beliefs, separating True self from false identity. I have spent years building my ego living inside my mind, and reinforcing it through my thoughts, feelings and actions. It will take a while to learn just like any subject in school or riding a bike for the first time.

 Important things to learn or worth doing takes time and practice.

I work six months out the year and have six months off, the work season has slowed down, so I can spend more time writing, blogging and working on the second draft of my book. I have some vacations in the works going back to my hometown of Palm Springs ca. Hope you all have a great Sober Thanksgivng. Sober is the new Black

crowns

 

darkness

 

each day

 

feel

 

GOLDPOEM

 

ODAAT

 

peace

 

sync

 

 

healing

 

 

SIA music is poetry that comes alive, bringing me inspiration. Bird Set Free is incredible.

500 Days of sober: Alcohol is a Drug

Hello Friends today is 500 days of sober. This past month has been amazing, the longer I am sober the clearer life gets in making right decision even small decisions. I am finding my true self more and more everyday. Things I enjoy doing and things I don’t enjoy doing are being easy to spot. Having an addiction to Alcohol is different than any other substance because it’s legal; it’s at every dinner table, on signs and billboards. I cannot hide from alcohol, I just have to see past the alcohol. It’s at every family event. It is deemed acceptable from society. Alcohol is publicized in film, TV, music, artistry, and celebrities as something cool, fun and freeing without repercussions.

 

Young kids see this and the want starts. Kids hear, “I need a drink” after a hard day of work. “Lets celebrate with alcohol” or today was a shitty day so “lets party”.  Escaping through substance instead of finding a healthy positive way to spend their time. I started drinking at fifteen but it turned into a disorder in my twenties. There are many outlets that can help escape from the moment like creating art, writing or reading a book. Trying to master a hobby or skill. Putting all the dark feelings or pain inside us, into an art, turning them into gold. Find happiness in partying sober. Society needs to stop pushing the substance abuse agenda through the media. Alcohol is not fun or cool or freeing. It’s caging the youth from reaching their full potential, their talent, and their strength to deal with life adversity. Alcohol kills millions of people a year.

 

When I first got sober, I did not have balance in my life because I was focused and obsessed with my recovery program. Excluding everything else, stuff vanished because of my addiction like friends, my last relationship, and my drinking. Freeing up most of my time so all I did was work my program. I guess, early recovery isn’t so much about balance as much as it is maintaining sobriety. Now Balance is the most important action in my life. Balance is something I had to learn, when I was an active if I liked something whether in food or in shoes or drinking, I did it until I was sick or broke. Chasing outside happiness to fill the deep emptiness inside. Keeping balance in every aspect of my life, like work, writing, working out, healing, prayer and meditation. If I feel like I am getting burnt out than I change it up.

 

Balanced lifestyle helps  lessen obsession, which will lead to unhappiness as it did with my obsession with alcohol. Striving for balance gives my life mixture keeping life interesting. Balance helps protect me from relapse. The ability to respond with strength to instant gratifications. Doing different stuff keeps me open to new concepts, so I’m always learning.

Reducing my everyday stress by building up my body and mind in some down time or a power nap. Creating discipline is something I’m currently working on at the moment, I have to learn how to walk out of a store with one pair of shoes and not six pairs.

Pushing myself for personal growth can become an obsession as well so I have to take it easy some days and enjoy this new person that is here now in this moment. Slowing myself down helps keep my life in perspective. It’s not all about personal growth and achievement, all the time. Slowing down will allow me to reflect and enjoy the progress I have made.

 

Discipline is the foundation for a balanced Life.  Taking inventory on what needs to be worked on is something that needs to be done often or even daily. Maintaining awareness about myself takes discipline. Not everything I’m trying to achieve in personal growth is going to be fun. Some will be painful and cause tears.  There will  be some scary stuff on the path to personal growth. Pushing past fears like facing my parents help creates discipline.

Getting positive results from forgiving my parents is a sign of personal growth. Pushing myself to make small goals and achieve them in different areas of my life like eating better, going on a daily walk, or becoming more skilled in a talent. I am building the discipline that is necessary to work towards long-term growth in recovery, life and in dreams. The pursuit of a balanced lifestyle will help me grow in many new directions. Seeking balance in life and working towards all around growth will maintain success in my recovery as I evolve in different paths of my life.

 

Quitting an addiction is a source of strength and motivation for other areas of my life. The first months of recovery I thought things like “My liver will be better”, “I’m going be so much healthier”. That turned out to be an understatement.

 

Now my thoughts are “I am powerful beyond anything” I realized, I could set goals and achieve them. If I can over come addiction, imagine what else can be accomplish, if I take what I do in my program and use it in a talent or skill. I can use that powerful focus to accomplish nearly any goal that I choose. Getting sober awakened a fire within me. It gave me the positive inspiration that I needed to tackle some monumental challenges like writing my first novel that will be out in 2016. Sober is the New Black.

 

 

birth

 

gray skies

 

uncondtional love

 

 

a suffering addict

 

 

 

pieces

 

 

pursuit

 

 

 

 

 

Stay Connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

Sia new song called Alive is a such an inspirational song.

Day 470 Sober: Change

Hello friends today is day 470 sober, I’m in Palm Springs, CA my hometown. I had two months off of work but decided to take a trip back home before I get back in the studio for our new work season.

To want, or not to want was the theme song of my life. Most of my life I did not want what I had, like my body, debt, poor paying job and wanted things I did not have like the perfect lover, that dream job or lifestyle. I always felt discontent or that a part of me was missing.

I wanted my life to change, my circumstances, and the people in my life without making any effort or going out of my comfort zone. I wanted to have the same behavior and thoughts yet different results, a form of insanity. Contradictions caused suffering because I wanted change but change brought upon fear and doubt. So I stayed the same, and decided to live in discontent.

 

Change, Success or dreams and goals start with a step towards them. The belief that I am capable but that is just a fraction of what makes change happen. Success is preceded by hours and hours of practice. Spending a lot of time working on the talent, skill or what we want to change. In the beginning, my writing wasn’t good. I look back on my journals and was puzzled on why I believed I was capable of becoming a publish author. Yes I did well in English and loved literacy but my grammar and technique were bad.

 

The want to become a writer grew so I started spending six too ten hours a day writing. At first the vision in my head did not match what was on paper but by volume of work, hours of practice and working on the skill, it started to come together. Change takes work and practice. Practice in a sequence of steps. Trying time after time to master the craft. Trying to find my voice and when failed efforts arise, analyzing what went wrong so I could work on those failed attempts. I pay more attention in detail to what I am writing. It gets richer, vivid, clearer, and impossible not to come close to perfection or the vision in my head.

 

The reason I thought change was hard is because I wanted instant change. I never given enough discipline, focus and attention to what I wanted to change or understood why I thought and behaved as I did.

 

My weight throughout life goes up and down. I tried diet after diet, I would eat less and work out. At times, I would even force myself to skip a meal. I did not see the unhealthy relationship between food and I. My mind saw food as something bad or pleasure seeking, I would eat tons than feel guilty than starve myself. Till this day I still have Food issues. I have to change the way I see the food, as a source nutrients and energy. With getting healthy or any goal I have to pay close attention or the old behaviors will creep back in.

 

We all live in an environment, which is shaped by our behavior. The behavior is shaped by our capabilities, which are created by our beliefs, and values, which make up our identity. Everything that I do, the circumstance and situations that I put myself in is a reflection of who I think I am, my identity.

 If I’m unhappy I can change my surroundings but I wont be happy until I understand the deeper root that caused the unhappiness. If I don’t then I will become unhappy in the new environment. Even in the new environment I’ll keep doing the same behaviors that would cause my unhappiness becoming patterns throughout life turning them into cycles.

Cycles of unhappiness throughout my twenties were very common, feeling stuck, Useless and an active addict. Real, meaningful change only happens when something changes in the way I see myself or think of myself. Change doesn’t always have to be slow, painful and tedious. When I hit my rock bottom it happened instantly. For example a parent who finds out she is pregnant so she stops smoking that minute

 The type change that happened when I decided to stop drinking was emotionally powerful, it quickly brought me a clear vision on who my true self is and who my true self was not. It sharply put me eyes, mind, heart, soul in focus on finding out more about my true self. That thought of drinking was no longer the main want and the search for true self was the main want.

 

Most times than not the change I wanted wasn’t the type that shook me to the core. I couldn’t find that deeper understanding of why I became that person I no longer wanted to be. We all do small things that we would like to change like being more tolerant, or happier, or saying no more often but these are just the tip of the ice bergs. The rest is hidden underneath, they are bigger issues the eye’s can’t see.

 

Being aware of wanting to change is just the first step than taking the time to go really deep inside. Finding the behaviors and purpose of why we acted in the way we did and where it started. Deeper than we’ve ever gone before, the deeper we go the more we find. Through mediation, self-reflection or prayer, or just asking one self. If we don’t than it’s like pulling out a weed without getting the root, it will grow back, and in my addiction case it might even kill me.

 A lasting change is when a person identity changes. Everyone can spot what needs to be changed in his or her life. It’s harder to understand how and which beliefs and sense of identity needs to change. Many of us are self-aware and smart it’s just the way we see the world is often skewed.

 

If we are looking to help others, inspire others, and change others we have to first understand the beliefs of the people we are pursuing to change. Understanding and respecting how they see themselves and how they want to see themselves change. By helping them become their true self, it will be easier to effect change that they want rather than forcing them to do so, or with ego.

 

My behavior is an extension of the way I think of myself. To make a lasting and comfortable change I need to respect and acknowledge my identity before evolving. Once I start to change the behavior my surroundings will change. When introduced to new normal or way of living, the mind tends to seek out ways it will fail. The mind is are greatest ally and sometimes the greatest enemy, I just have to be aware which one is coming out in that moment. Changing to a new normal isn’t about being a right normal or wrong normal , good normal or bad normal. It’s more about if it works better for my life in the present moment. After losing a child you have to create a new normal, a normal that no parent should feel.

 

 If  it works better in my life, I’ll use it. If not, I don’t waste time and energy judging it, because it may be useful in later years. A new normal is determined by behavioral changes.  Often times we will fail and if we succeeded, there can be negative side effects, like losing some one we hold dear. The solution is to change our mental molds, which will change the way we see the world and ourselves in the world. Than change will rise organically out of us.

 

There is a mental voice or internal dialog that goes on in our heads at all times. An endless stream of thoughts from the moment we wake to the moment we go to sleep. The voice has been apart of our lives for so long. It sounds like us, knows what to say in every situation, that voice even has the same tone as our outer voice. That mental voice is what we use to create our lives. The mental Voice unknowingly builds our reality. Recognizing that the voice in our head is not us. Our mental voice often works against us and is highly dysfunctional. This is the voice that talks down to us, challenges our self-esteem and is the source that limits our infinite potential.

Our belief of how the world works is created by the mental voice. we have a belief on how to find love. Our beliefs isn’t who we are, it’s our perception of how the world works, built in our mind.

Once our beliefs become concrete in our mind than the universe gives evidence that this is in fact the way it is.

A habit of living in a self Centered Universe is very common. We interpret every situation in “What impact does it have on me? or why me” If we spend most of our time in a self centered Universe, it will bring more frustrations, pain, and suffering. The shift beginnings when knowing we are the captains of our perception. We can create a new normal without limits. If there something right now that concerns you, it was created by you. Acknowledging and understand this reality, every detail. Now find a new normal, one that works better than the present. Believe in that new normal. Start living those changes. Sometimes at first the evidence will say: it’s not working. Just remember your mind is not you. In time it will start working and celebrate that. Sober Is the new black

 

 

happy

 

spin

 

In my top ten songs of all time, this song is high on that list from Sam Cooke ” A change gonna come”

 

 

 

graditude

 

influence

 

 

galaxy

 

 

violence

 

 

i can

 

 

every

 

 

my love

 

 

addict

Day 450 Sober: Forms of fears

Hello Friends today is day 450 sober, Now that the book is done and being edited I find myself having some fearful thoughts that I’m trying to push through. Anytime I try something new or find myself in uncharted territories (First time being a publish author) the fear of failure is the first thing that festers in my mind. Fear has been ingrain in my mind and body at such a young age. Fear prevented me from getting hurt but it has also prevented me from reaching full potential. Before I spoke words I knew what fear was.

 

Fear is an emotion that give’s me a signal so I could avoid danger. It’s projected toward event’s that hasn’t occurred yet. That can be a dangerous thing. Some of the greatest things in life I will experience are scary like falling in love, trusting others, jumping out of a plane, and success. Fear can be a good thing. Since the beginning of time it’s a useful survival mechanism. Fear can make someone be careful in certain situations. Overcoming a fear can bring upon a rush of excitement, an empowerment that brings strength and confidence.

 

Fear can be motivation. By changing how I see the fear. Instead of being afraid of making a mistake, change the fear to being afraid of not learning the lesson in the mistake. If  I am fearful of trying something new or moving to a new state. Change the fear to not trying something new or fear you might never get the chance to experience living in a different state. Fear can become nonsensical in the form of phobias; a bit odd and not making sense to be afraid of certain things. As a child I was afraid of the wind, weather, choking on food, getting beaten up, being homeless and Fear of heights.

As I got older my Fears evolved into; Fear of change, loneliness, not fitting in, of my partner cheating, and death. Every time someone around me was in a bad mood, I assumed it’s because of me like an automatic reflex in my bones.

 Fear can have unwanted side effects like stress and anxiety. The side effects are what I need to overcome. Recognizing fears is extremely important to overcome. If I don’t know what scares me, I’ll never do anything about it. Some are easy to feel and spot others may take going within self, searching.

Fear comes in the form of thoughts that lead into the feeling. Most fears are caused by some traumatic events from the past. Being a child of abuse, I tend to be an introvert not wanting to get close to someone afraid of getting hurt. That traumatic experience taught me to avoid human connection.

Internal or subconscious fears are dangerous because it makes me think its part of my DNA or myself.  That fear can really hold me back in life. The way I saw the world and understood the world was with eyes molded from Past pain, childhood traumas and low self-esteem all intertwined becoming Subconscious fear. It developed my belief system.

Subconscious fear can also seem to be a part of who I ‘am. For Example In school I excelled in English. In high school I was above average, taking college prep classes. I also wrote a poem that was published while in middle school. I always dreamed of becoming a writer but as I got older I thought I wasn’t good enough or not qualified. So I went through a period of not writing. That was a Subconscious fear thinking that prevented me at the time from reaching full potential. I see it now coming out while my first novel is being edited. What if people read my book and hate it or not understand it? The reader is the most important aspect, It’s like a dance between the reader and the writer both have to be in sync.

 

Subconscious fear is hard to recognize and eliminate. My fear beliefs are not facts. The things I want and the things I fear sometimes become intertwined becoming one.

 

Fear is illusion created by the mind so I have the power to destroy it. We can destroy every negative thing we create in our mind. Pain will happen but it will subside, if I quit pain will last forever. I need to Protect my dreams and don’t be afraid. Everybody has failed, it seems necessary to becoming great. The past few days my mind has been trying to feed me failure but the difference from this time sober is I am aware that it’s my addiction. So I have to push through and change my thoughts. One day at a time.

 

 

 

 

war

 

Surroundings

 

 

 

addiction

 

how beautiful

 

 

fatal

 

 

bleed

 

healing

 

 

grief

 

accept

walk

 

This song from Macklemore is a brilliant track, hope you enjoy it.

 

 

 

Stay connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 437 Sober: We are Worthy

Hello Friends today is day 437 days sober, I was up in last night in to the early morning finish up the first draft of my novel. When I wrote the last sentence a sense of being proud filled my soul. I have yet to feel that way in my days sober. Just over a year ago I was sitting on a mattress that lay on the floor, stagnant in life from all the substance abuse. I had no passion for anything great, I was incapable of dreaming big dreams for myself.

 

So last night after finishing my first draft I wept a bit, knowing that hard work and making a conscious decision in believe I was worthy of pursing a dream that seemed to big.

 

Since a child I have always felt ugly. I have dark skin, I’m short and I carry more weight around my waist. I have chubby cheeks so when I smile I notice my face swell up a bit.

Low self-esteem is something I struggled with most of my life, but when I was using I was unaware of it being low Self Esteem or how to overcome Low Self esteem.  Since I could remember I’ve carried a belief system that I was inadequate, unlovable, unworthy and/or incompetent. This perception comes from the interpretation of the dysfunctional behavior of my parents during my early years. I was the brunt of their anger, abandonment, abuse, neglect, and continual negative criticism or scorned.

 

Children know only what they are taught. My parent mistreated me and I started thinking I deserved it. I was abandoned periods at a time in the elementary school years and middle school years from both parents so I told myself I was insignificant. My parents withhold affection and love, I viewed myself unlovable. Being criticized constantly, I must be incompetent. Being abused by my parents, bullies and my molester, I must be unworthy of anything better.

 

My early childhood set the stage for how I viewed myself. Affecting my entire life. Basing me not on the truth about who I am really, but rather on the rejecting, inappropriate, and abusive behavior from others. Once this faulty view of self is formed it affects everything in the child’s ongoing life: my decision-making, my ambition, my creativity, my assertiveness, my choices, my dreams. In Sobriety I came to see myself in a truthful light rather than through the negative and distorted lenses create from past experiences.

 Having been betrayed by my parents who were the closet to me, who I trusted and rely on, I was unable to separate who and when to trust a person. Consequently, I often trusted a person who was simply nice to me or showed me some attention, opening the door to being easily swayed, taken advantage of, and manipulated. While I didn’t trust those who were trustworthy like Vincent in the beginning of my last relationship. Over time a person really knows what a person stands for or who they really are. Time will determine if another is trustworthy.

 

When I was a child I developed an image of myself as inadequate or not good enough. I treated myself and expected to be treated accordingly. I was overly critical of my body. I inwardly agreed with others’ criticisms of me, I might have put up an argument against negative feedback but eventually scum to other beliefs of me. I would always reject compliments. Even criticize people who compliment me. I carried low standards for myself.

 

I just assumed other people see me in the same negative way. Anticipating rejection, expected to be ignored or mistreated. For the longest time I thought I deserved the abuse and would tell myself I caused the negative reactions or inappropriate behavior of others.  So when circumstances or mistreats happen I would see it as confirmation of my inadequacy, lack of significance, and then engages in irrational and distorted self-statements that bring on additional negative feelings. Like I hate myself, I want to die, I wish I was thinner, I will never be anything great, even cutting myself or using substance to make me feel “good” again.

In time with recovery I am becoming aware of these misrepresentations and over time I will be able to correct them.

I always lacked self-confidence in most aspects of my life.

Not confident I would succeed in life. When something discouraging happens, I’d interpret the situation as proof that I will not prevail in my attempts to be successful. Sometimes I even try to become an overachiever (desperately driven to prove myself) and other times I remain underachiever (achieving less that I am capable of).

When I overachieved I tend not to believe in my success or having a feeling of wanting more, or thinking what I could have done better and viewing myself “lucky” and expecting success to eventually evaporate. Lacking confidences shows up in new situations where I don’t know what is expected of me. Fear that relying on my own judgment may produce behavior that is “wrong” in the eyes of others, thereby provoking disapproval.

 

In my past relationships (before I met Vincent) whether in love or friends I mostly choose the wrong partners , remain in relationships that are unsatisfying or abusive, remain in jobs where the pay was poor and the benefits are nonexistent. I would fear change, fear being alone, and fear my own ability to make the right decisions.

 

While in recovery, confidence is building gradually. Believing I am capable and to recognize success is real, I just have to believe and put in the hard work.

 

Habits have always been in my life some beneficial and some hurtful. One habit was projecting onto others my own worst fears. I would think I was incapable of something and believe others thought similar without any proof that this is true..

 

I was searching to feel better in over-spending, alcohol use, perfectionism, drug use, overeating, and sexual promiscuity, evolving into addiction. The feeling alcohol brought upon me was the greatest feeling of those other vices. It warmed my blood and soul. Stopping the negative and infected mind from pain but it also made me very stagnant in all aspects of life, love, healing, career, passion, growth etc. People had hurt me through out my life and alcohol was the connection I needed.

 

 when I was an active addict I would make up stories in my mind about the behavior, motivation, and intent of others. what others are thinking, what others are feeling, what is really meant by the behavior of others, what is really meant by the words of others, without first checking out their perceptions. These stories are always negative-based. I would feel that people are taking advantage of me or taking me for granted, or mistreating me when it isn’t actually so. This caused a lot of friction in my friendships and loved ones. I would create scenarios that has not occurred and would act out on them. Losing a lot of friends and sleepless nights.

 

I would take things personal and believe my emotional reaction to be accurate. This process is a mental distortion or irrational thinking and is present to some degree in all low self esteem sufferers causing them to act on unpredictable feelings and confused about who and when to trust.

 

I would test the love and devotion of people I felt close to, throwing out cues as to what I wanted or needed and then expecting them to pick up these cues and supply what I wanted or needed. I would feel that others should know what I wanted and needed and get hurt when the person doesn’t do what’s expected. Setting myself up with unreasonable expectations and are often disappointments. Internally digest as the other person “not caring” or “not caring enough”.

We all come from unique early environments and the ways in which we treat others is often a reaction of how we were treated. The things we do for others are often similar to what was done to us. What we deem important in a relationship is often symbolic of that we saw and experienced with the people who surrounded us during past years.

 

Every one has very different outlooks on what a relationship should look like, on how those in a relationship should treated by the other. How much time should spend together, how much they should do for each other. As a result, there are often many misunderstandings in relationships concerning what each person can expect from the other and what is reasonable and unreasonable.

 

In sobriety, I will be able to ask for what I want and need rather than expecting the other person to just “know.” Learning how to discuss and work through problems and disagreements rather than merely reacting. I am developing basic relationship skills.

 

 Unfortunately the reality of this world is that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea.  Some people are going to see my imperfections and judge me, some will run for the hills, and some will straight up tell me how horrible I am.  I can’t hide from these facts and it will not be easy to overcome. Getting rejected for who I truly am hurts deeply than I could have ever imagined. I’ve already have had people shun me from my past addiction and even had some people in recovery shun my program, not understanding that I will never be anonymous.

 

While some people will look at my imperfections and run. Some people will look at them and embrace me with open arms.  The feeling of being rejected for who you are may be horribly painful, but the feeling of true acceptance is indescribable. To know that you can be yourself and not have to put on an act is liberating and comforting all at once. Sober is the New Black

 

 

 

moon

 

 

one more day

 

 

i am here

 

run

 

 

haunt

 

 

believe

 

Everything

 

 

I Came across this video and in brought me to tears, its from a film maker Shea Glover

 

 

 

Here’s a song that i listen often, music helps heal the soul

 

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

courage

Day 428 sober: I am not my Past Addiction

Hello Friends today is day 428 sober. This past week has been a fun. I have a couple months off of work and in that time I am doing whatever the heart desires. The book is 90 percent done. I took a couple days off from writing to clear my head. The last few chapters of the book seem to be hardest to complete.  It has Brought upon a bit of writers block. I already know the last sentence of the book. The look of the book is as important to me as the content. I know this book will help the 40,000 who read Sober is the new black, I hope to reach millions of others who might be struggling in sobriety, addicts who are still using and family of loved ones who suffer. Giving an in depth biography of what happens to the mind, body and soul of the addict once they stop using from day 1 sober too 1 year sober.

 

 Everyday I have to remind myself I am not my past addiction, I am who I choose to be today in this moment. Others might still see me as the past addiction symptoms. I will no longer waste energy on others who are committed to not understanding me or getting to know my true self. No one is born wanting to an addict, Circumstances and traumas happen, once they cross over the invisible line the disease starts.

 

My disease will not define me like diabetes doesn’t define a diabetic. We are so much more than our past addiction. In the first month of sobriety, I hesitated to tell others I suffered from addiction. I would speak about it online but when meeting someone for the first time. I was afraid of being labeled or judged. It’s like coming out all over again.

 

 

I seen an article that said “you should never fall in love with someone who struggled with addiction”. That article brought so much pain to my heart, I cried most of the day. How can society be judgmental on something that they have never lived through. It’s seems addiction along with HIV and AIDs are two diseases that are discriminated against.

 

When I go on a date, I ask myself questions like “when should I disclose why I don’t order a beer during dinner?” “After how many dates should I tell the person?” “If I don’t tell them right away, does that mean I’m hiding or lying?” First dates should be light and fun, not heavy. I can’t explain my past addiction without giving the whole dark childhood.

 

 

I went on a date last year with a smart, humbled, successful artist. We had so much fun dancing the night away, Making out, and talking. It was the first time since my break up were we just flowed and it was effort-less. After spending the day together we went to dinner after the club. He made me feel so comfortable which never happens with someone I just met. So I told him the reason why I was not  drinking. His responses was “I cant be in a relationship with someone who I can’t enjoy a night cap with at the end of the night.”

 

 

He saw past all my good qualities and defined me by the past addiction. Of course I was bummed and obviously he wasn’t the one for me. I was hopeful and excited to finally meet a guy that I clicked with. But now I was sitting across the dinner table deflated from the hope I once had. Feeling terrible, thinking love will be hard and it shouldn’t be. If I never had an addiction than I would probably be married by now. Negative thoughts started to race through my mind going and going. Should I date someone in recovery? I can’t help whom I fall for. Would it be hard to be with somebody who drinks? Should I even attempt to connect with another guy who suffered from addiction? I know whatever will be will be, so I have to wait and see.

 

The word addict can scare a person but its understandable, the symptoms of the disease can cause a lot of harm to others and love ones. Some people are unaware because they don’t know addicts or they have been hurt by addicts. In the past I would  care what others thought in the beginning of sobriety. Now it’s the first thing I disclose, it helps weed out the ones that are not open. I have to be “Ok” with someone not wanting to be friends or in a relationship with me because of my addiction. I want tolerance so I have to give tolerance

 

 A person might think someone in recovery might not be fun to hangout with or a downer. Just to clarify it’s the opposite. In my case I’m laughing most of my day, wanting to dance, be a better friend and a lot more outgoing. Very open to trying new things.

When I was using I was secluded, non social, not wanting to do anything, in dive bars, passing out and getting drunk early, emotional, angry, would get offend by everybody and everything. I wasn’t fun to be around. I lacked passion in learning from others, I thought I knew it all. I would have blackouts and drunken stumbles that caused a lot of damage to others.

 

 

A person might not invite me out because they don’t want to feel guilty for drinking around me. It all varies from person to person who is in recovery. For me I am at the point in my recovery were I could be around alcohol and not crave.

 

 

Now that I am sober, no one can make me feel any less than what I feel for myself. I’m very content with the friends I have in my life at the moment, I am now building on those relationship, instead of looking for validation in others who I lost due to my addiction. Sobriety is number one the rest follows and I can’t be with someone or have friends that don’t understand that. I need people to see past my disorder and see my heart. Sober is the New black

 

 

time

 

 

 

depart

 

 

 

 

courage

 

 

 

This week I’ll be working on the book but also catching the new Amy Winehouse documentary, I’ve been waiting for this film for the past year. I’ve been a huge fan since she made her first album before she blew up. Seen her live before back to black. Here’s an interview from Vice with The director Asif Kapadia of AMY