500 Days of sober: Alcohol is a Drug

Hello Friends today is 500 days of sober. This past month has been amazing, the longer I am sober the clearer life gets in making right decision even small decisions. I am finding my true self more and more everyday. Things I enjoy doing and things I don’t enjoy doing are being easy to spot. Having an addiction to Alcohol is different than any other substance because it’s legal; it’s at every dinner table, on signs and billboards. I cannot hide from alcohol, I just have to see past the alcohol. It’s at every family event. It is deemed acceptable from society. Alcohol is publicized in film, TV, music, artistry, and celebrities as something cool, fun and freeing without repercussions.


Young kids see this and the want starts. Kids hear, “I need a drink” after a hard day of work. “Lets celebrate with alcohol” or today was a shitty day so “lets party”.  Escaping through substance instead of finding a healthy positive way to spend their time. I started drinking at fifteen but it turned into a disorder in my twenties. There are many outlets that can help escape from the moment like creating art, writing or reading a book. Trying to master a hobby or skill. Putting all the dark feelings or pain inside us, into an art, turning them into gold. Find happiness in partying sober. Society needs to stop pushing the substance abuse agenda through the media. Alcohol is not fun or cool or freeing. It’s caging the youth from reaching their full potential, their talent, and their strength to deal with life adversity. Alcohol kills millions of people a year.


When I first got sober, I did not have balance in my life because I was focused and obsessed with my recovery program. Excluding everything else, stuff vanished because of my addiction like friends, my last relationship, and my drinking. Freeing up most of my time so all I did was work my program. I guess, early recovery isn’t so much about balance as much as it is maintaining sobriety. Now Balance is the most important action in my life. Balance is something I had to learn, when I was an active if I liked something whether in food or in shoes or drinking, I did it until I was sick or broke. Chasing outside happiness to fill the deep emptiness inside. Keeping balance in every aspect of my life, like work, writing, working out, healing, prayer and meditation. If I feel like I am getting burnt out than I change it up.


Balanced lifestyle helps  lessen obsession, which will lead to unhappiness as it did with my obsession with alcohol. Striving for balance gives my life mixture keeping life interesting. Balance helps protect me from relapse. The ability to respond with strength to instant gratifications. Doing different stuff keeps me open to new concepts, so I’m always learning.

Reducing my everyday stress by building up my body and mind in some down time or a power nap. Creating discipline is something I’m currently working on at the moment, I have to learn how to walk out of a store with one pair of shoes and not six pairs.

Pushing myself for personal growth can become an obsession as well so I have to take it easy some days and enjoy this new person that is here now in this moment. Slowing myself down helps keep my life in perspective. It’s not all about personal growth and achievement, all the time. Slowing down will allow me to reflect and enjoy the progress I have made.


Discipline is the foundation for a balanced Life.  Taking inventory on what needs to be worked on is something that needs to be done often or even daily. Maintaining awareness about myself takes discipline. Not everything I’m trying to achieve in personal growth is going to be fun. Some will be painful and cause tears.  There will  be some scary stuff on the path to personal growth. Pushing past fears like facing my parents help creates discipline.

Getting positive results from forgiving my parents is a sign of personal growth. Pushing myself to make small goals and achieve them in different areas of my life like eating better, going on a daily walk, or becoming more skilled in a talent. I am building the discipline that is necessary to work towards long-term growth in recovery, life and in dreams. The pursuit of a balanced lifestyle will help me grow in many new directions. Seeking balance in life and working towards all around growth will maintain success in my recovery as I evolve in different paths of my life.


Quitting an addiction is a source of strength and motivation for other areas of my life. The first months of recovery I thought things like “My liver will be better”, “I’m going be so much healthier”. That turned out to be an understatement.


Now my thoughts are “I am powerful beyond anything” I realized, I could set goals and achieve them. If I can over come addiction, imagine what else can be accomplish, if I take what I do in my program and use it in a talent or skill. I can use that powerful focus to accomplish nearly any goal that I choose. Getting sober awakened a fire within me. It gave me the positive inspiration that I needed to tackle some monumental challenges like writing my first novel that will be out in 2016. Sober is the New Black.





gray skies


uncondtional love



a suffering addict













Stay Connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez




Sia new song called Alive is a such an inspirational song.

Day 470 Sober: Change

Hello friends today is day 470 sober, I’m in Palm Springs, CA my hometown. I had two months off of work but decided to take a trip back home before I get back in the studio for our new work season.

To want, or not to want was the theme song of my life. Most of my life I did not want what I had, like my body, debt, poor paying job and wanted things I did not have like the perfect lover, that dream job or lifestyle. I always felt discontent or that a part of me was missing.

I wanted my life to change, my circumstances, and the people in my life without making any effort or going out of my comfort zone. I wanted to have the same behavior and thoughts yet different results, a form of insanity. Contradictions caused suffering because I wanted change but change brought upon fear and doubt. So I stayed the same, and decided to live in discontent.


Change, Success or dreams and goals start with a step towards them. The belief that I am capable but that is just a fraction of what makes change happen. Success is preceded by hours and hours of practice. Spending a lot of time working on the talent, skill or what we want to change. In the beginning, my writing wasn’t good. I look back on my journals and was puzzled on why I believed I was capable of becoming a publish author. Yes I did well in English and loved literacy but my grammar and technique were bad.


The want to become a writer grew so I started spending six too ten hours a day writing. At first the vision in my head did not match what was on paper but by volume of work, hours of practice and working on the skill, it started to come together. Change takes work and practice. Practice in a sequence of steps. Trying time after time to master the craft. Trying to find my voice and when failed efforts arise, analyzing what went wrong so I could work on those failed attempts. I pay more attention in detail to what I am writing. It gets richer, vivid, clearer, and impossible not to come close to perfection or the vision in my head.


The reason I thought change was hard is because I wanted instant change. I never given enough discipline, focus and attention to what I wanted to change or understood why I thought and behaved as I did.


My weight throughout life goes up and down. I tried diet after diet, I would eat less and work out. At times, I would even force myself to skip a meal. I did not see the unhealthy relationship between food and I. My mind saw food as something bad or pleasure seeking, I would eat tons than feel guilty than starve myself. Till this day I still have Food issues. I have to change the way I see the food, as a source nutrients and energy. With getting healthy or any goal I have to pay close attention or the old behaviors will creep back in.


We all live in an environment, which is shaped by our behavior. The behavior is shaped by our capabilities, which are created by our beliefs, and values, which make up our identity. Everything that I do, the circumstance and situations that I put myself in is a reflection of who I think I am, my identity.

 If I’m unhappy I can change my surroundings but I wont be happy until I understand the deeper root that caused the unhappiness. If I don’t then I will become unhappy in the new environment. Even in the new environment I’ll keep doing the same behaviors that would cause my unhappiness becoming patterns throughout life turning them into cycles.

Cycles of unhappiness throughout my twenties were very common, feeling stuck, Useless and an active addict. Real, meaningful change only happens when something changes in the way I see myself or think of myself. Change doesn’t always have to be slow, painful and tedious. When I hit my rock bottom it happened instantly. For example a parent who finds out she is pregnant so she stops smoking that minute

 The type change that happened when I decided to stop drinking was emotionally powerful, it quickly brought me a clear vision on who my true self is and who my true self was not. It sharply put me eyes, mind, heart, soul in focus on finding out more about my true self. That thought of drinking was no longer the main want and the search for true self was the main want.


Most times than not the change I wanted wasn’t the type that shook me to the core. I couldn’t find that deeper understanding of why I became that person I no longer wanted to be. We all do small things that we would like to change like being more tolerant, or happier, or saying no more often but these are just the tip of the ice bergs. The rest is hidden underneath, they are bigger issues the eye’s can’t see.


Being aware of wanting to change is just the first step than taking the time to go really deep inside. Finding the behaviors and purpose of why we acted in the way we did and where it started. Deeper than we’ve ever gone before, the deeper we go the more we find. Through mediation, self-reflection or prayer, or just asking one self. If we don’t than it’s like pulling out a weed without getting the root, it will grow back, and in my addiction case it might even kill me.

 A lasting change is when a person identity changes. Everyone can spot what needs to be changed in his or her life. It’s harder to understand how and which beliefs and sense of identity needs to change. Many of us are self-aware and smart it’s just the way we see the world is often skewed.


If we are looking to help others, inspire others, and change others we have to first understand the beliefs of the people we are pursuing to change. Understanding and respecting how they see themselves and how they want to see themselves change. By helping them become their true self, it will be easier to effect change that they want rather than forcing them to do so, or with ego.


My behavior is an extension of the way I think of myself. To make a lasting and comfortable change I need to respect and acknowledge my identity before evolving. Once I start to change the behavior my surroundings will change. When introduced to new normal or way of living, the mind tends to seek out ways it will fail. The mind is are greatest ally and sometimes the greatest enemy, I just have to be aware which one is coming out in that moment. Changing to a new normal isn’t about being a right normal or wrong normal , good normal or bad normal. It’s more about if it works better for my life in the present moment. After losing a child you have to create a new normal, a normal that no parent should feel.


 If  it works better in my life, I’ll use it. If not, I don’t waste time and energy judging it, because it may be useful in later years. A new normal is determined by behavioral changes.  Often times we will fail and if we succeeded, there can be negative side effects, like losing some one we hold dear. The solution is to change our mental molds, which will change the way we see the world and ourselves in the world. Than change will rise organically out of us.


There is a mental voice or internal dialog that goes on in our heads at all times. An endless stream of thoughts from the moment we wake to the moment we go to sleep. The voice has been apart of our lives for so long. It sounds like us, knows what to say in every situation, that voice even has the same tone as our outer voice. That mental voice is what we use to create our lives. The mental Voice unknowingly builds our reality. Recognizing that the voice in our head is not us. Our mental voice often works against us and is highly dysfunctional. This is the voice that talks down to us, challenges our self-esteem and is the source that limits our infinite potential.

Our belief of how the world works is created by the mental voice. we have a belief on how to find love. Our beliefs isn’t who we are, it’s our perception of how the world works, built in our mind.

Once our beliefs become concrete in our mind than the universe gives evidence that this is in fact the way it is.

A habit of living in a self Centered Universe is very common. We interpret every situation in “What impact does it have on me? or why me” If we spend most of our time in a self centered Universe, it will bring more frustrations, pain, and suffering. The shift beginnings when knowing we are the captains of our perception. We can create a new normal without limits. If there something right now that concerns you, it was created by you. Acknowledging and understand this reality, every detail. Now find a new normal, one that works better than the present. Believe in that new normal. Start living those changes. Sometimes at first the evidence will say: it’s not working. Just remember your mind is not you. In time it will start working and celebrate that. Sober Is the new black







In my top ten songs of all time, this song is high on that list from Sam Cooke ” A change gonna come”















i can






my love




Day 450 Sober: Forms of fears

Hello Friends today is day 450 sober, Now that the book is done and being edited I find myself having some fearful thoughts that I’m trying to push through. Anytime I try something new or find myself in uncharted territories (First time being a publish author) the fear of failure is the first thing that festers in my mind. Fear has been ingrain in my mind and body at such a young age. Fear prevented me from getting hurt but it has also prevented me from reaching full potential. Before I spoke words I knew what fear was.


Fear is an emotion that give’s me a signal so I could avoid danger. It’s projected toward event’s that hasn’t occurred yet. That can be a dangerous thing. Some of the greatest things in life I will experience are scary like falling in love, trusting others, jumping out of a plane, and success. Fear can be a good thing. Since the beginning of time it’s a useful survival mechanism. Fear can make someone be careful in certain situations. Overcoming a fear can bring upon a rush of excitement, an empowerment that brings strength and confidence.


Fear can be motivation. By changing how I see the fear. Instead of being afraid of making a mistake, change the fear to being afraid of not learning the lesson in the mistake. If  I am fearful of trying something new or moving to a new state. Change the fear to not trying something new or fear you might never get the chance to experience living in a different state. Fear can become nonsensical in the form of phobias; a bit odd and not making sense to be afraid of certain things. As a child I was afraid of the wind, weather, choking on food, getting beaten up, being homeless and Fear of heights.

As I got older my Fears evolved into; Fear of change, loneliness, not fitting in, of my partner cheating, and death. Every time someone around me was in a bad mood, I assumed it’s because of me like an automatic reflex in my bones.

 Fear can have unwanted side effects like stress and anxiety. The side effects are what I need to overcome. Recognizing fears is extremely important to overcome. If I don’t know what scares me, I’ll never do anything about it. Some are easy to feel and spot others may take going within self, searching.

Fear comes in the form of thoughts that lead into the feeling. Most fears are caused by some traumatic events from the past. Being a child of abuse, I tend to be an introvert not wanting to get close to someone afraid of getting hurt. That traumatic experience taught me to avoid human connection.

Internal or subconscious fears are dangerous because it makes me think its part of my DNA or myself.  That fear can really hold me back in life. The way I saw the world and understood the world was with eyes molded from Past pain, childhood traumas and low self-esteem all intertwined becoming Subconscious fear. It developed my belief system.

Subconscious fear can also seem to be a part of who I ‘am. For Example In school I excelled in English. In high school I was above average, taking college prep classes. I also wrote a poem that was published while in middle school. I always dreamed of becoming a writer but as I got older I thought I wasn’t good enough or not qualified. So I went through a period of not writing. That was a Subconscious fear thinking that prevented me at the time from reaching full potential. I see it now coming out while my first novel is being edited. What if people read my book and hate it or not understand it? The reader is the most important aspect, It’s like a dance between the reader and the writer both have to be in sync.


Subconscious fear is hard to recognize and eliminate. My fear beliefs are not facts. The things I want and the things I fear sometimes become intertwined becoming one.


Fear is illusion created by the mind so I have the power to destroy it. We can destroy every negative thing we create in our mind. Pain will happen but it will subside, if I quit pain will last forever. I need to Protect my dreams and don’t be afraid. Everybody has failed, it seems necessary to becoming great. The past few days my mind has been trying to feed me failure but the difference from this time sober is I am aware that it’s my addiction. So I have to push through and change my thoughts. One day at a time.













how beautiful
















This song from Macklemore is a brilliant track, hope you enjoy it.




Stay connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 437 Sober: We are Worthy

Hello Friends today is day 437 days sober, I was up in last night in to the early morning finish up the first draft of my novel. When I wrote the last sentence a sense of being proud filled my soul. I have yet to feel that way in my days sober. Just over a year ago I was sitting on a mattress that lay on the floor, stagnant in life from all the substance abuse. I had no passion for anything great, I was incapable of dreaming big dreams for myself.


So last night after finishing my first draft I wept a bit, knowing that hard work and making a conscious decision in believe I was worthy of pursing a dream that seemed to big.


Since a child I have always felt ugly. I have dark skin, I’m short and I carry more weight around my waist. I have chubby cheeks so when I smile I notice my face swell up a bit.

Low self-esteem is something I struggled with most of my life, but when I was using I was unaware of it being low Self Esteem or how to overcome Low Self esteem.  Since I could remember I’ve carried a belief system that I was inadequate, unlovable, unworthy and/or incompetent. This perception comes from the interpretation of the dysfunctional behavior of my parents during my early years. I was the brunt of their anger, abandonment, abuse, neglect, and continual negative criticism or scorned.


Children know only what they are taught. My parent mistreated me and I started thinking I deserved it. I was abandoned periods at a time in the elementary school years and middle school years from both parents so I told myself I was insignificant. My parents withhold affection and love, I viewed myself unlovable. Being criticized constantly, I must be incompetent. Being abused by my parents, bullies and my molester, I must be unworthy of anything better.


My early childhood set the stage for how I viewed myself. Affecting my entire life. Basing me not on the truth about who I am really, but rather on the rejecting, inappropriate, and abusive behavior from others. Once this faulty view of self is formed it affects everything in the child’s ongoing life: my decision-making, my ambition, my creativity, my assertiveness, my choices, my dreams. In Sobriety I came to see myself in a truthful light rather than through the negative and distorted lenses create from past experiences.

 Having been betrayed by my parents who were the closet to me, who I trusted and rely on, I was unable to separate who and when to trust a person. Consequently, I often trusted a person who was simply nice to me or showed me some attention, opening the door to being easily swayed, taken advantage of, and manipulated. While I didn’t trust those who were trustworthy like Vincent in the beginning of my last relationship. Over time a person really knows what a person stands for or who they really are. Time will determine if another is trustworthy.


When I was a child I developed an image of myself as inadequate or not good enough. I treated myself and expected to be treated accordingly. I was overly critical of my body. I inwardly agreed with others’ criticisms of me, I might have put up an argument against negative feedback but eventually scum to other beliefs of me. I would always reject compliments. Even criticize people who compliment me. I carried low standards for myself.


I just assumed other people see me in the same negative way. Anticipating rejection, expected to be ignored or mistreated. For the longest time I thought I deserved the abuse and would tell myself I caused the negative reactions or inappropriate behavior of others.  So when circumstances or mistreats happen I would see it as confirmation of my inadequacy, lack of significance, and then engages in irrational and distorted self-statements that bring on additional negative feelings. Like I hate myself, I want to die, I wish I was thinner, I will never be anything great, even cutting myself or using substance to make me feel “good” again.

In time with recovery I am becoming aware of these misrepresentations and over time I will be able to correct them.

I always lacked self-confidence in most aspects of my life.

Not confident I would succeed in life. When something discouraging happens, I’d interpret the situation as proof that I will not prevail in my attempts to be successful. Sometimes I even try to become an overachiever (desperately driven to prove myself) and other times I remain underachiever (achieving less that I am capable of).

When I overachieved I tend not to believe in my success or having a feeling of wanting more, or thinking what I could have done better and viewing myself “lucky” and expecting success to eventually evaporate. Lacking confidences shows up in new situations where I don’t know what is expected of me. Fear that relying on my own judgment may produce behavior that is “wrong” in the eyes of others, thereby provoking disapproval.


In my past relationships (before I met Vincent) whether in love or friends I mostly choose the wrong partners , remain in relationships that are unsatisfying or abusive, remain in jobs where the pay was poor and the benefits are nonexistent. I would fear change, fear being alone, and fear my own ability to make the right decisions.


While in recovery, confidence is building gradually. Believing I am capable and to recognize success is real, I just have to believe and put in the hard work.


Habits have always been in my life some beneficial and some hurtful. One habit was projecting onto others my own worst fears. I would think I was incapable of something and believe others thought similar without any proof that this is true..


I was searching to feel better in over-spending, alcohol use, perfectionism, drug use, overeating, and sexual promiscuity, evolving into addiction. The feeling alcohol brought upon me was the greatest feeling of those other vices. It warmed my blood and soul. Stopping the negative and infected mind from pain but it also made me very stagnant in all aspects of life, love, healing, career, passion, growth etc. People had hurt me through out my life and alcohol was the connection I needed.


 when I was an active addict I would make up stories in my mind about the behavior, motivation, and intent of others. what others are thinking, what others are feeling, what is really meant by the behavior of others, what is really meant by the words of others, without first checking out their perceptions. These stories are always negative-based. I would feel that people are taking advantage of me or taking me for granted, or mistreating me when it isn’t actually so. This caused a lot of friction in my friendships and loved ones. I would create scenarios that has not occurred and would act out on them. Losing a lot of friends and sleepless nights.


I would take things personal and believe my emotional reaction to be accurate. This process is a mental distortion or irrational thinking and is present to some degree in all low self esteem sufferers causing them to act on unpredictable feelings and confused about who and when to trust.


I would test the love and devotion of people I felt close to, throwing out cues as to what I wanted or needed and then expecting them to pick up these cues and supply what I wanted or needed. I would feel that others should know what I wanted and needed and get hurt when the person doesn’t do what’s expected. Setting myself up with unreasonable expectations and are often disappointments. Internally digest as the other person “not caring” or “not caring enough”.

We all come from unique early environments and the ways in which we treat others is often a reaction of how we were treated. The things we do for others are often similar to what was done to us. What we deem important in a relationship is often symbolic of that we saw and experienced with the people who surrounded us during past years.


Every one has very different outlooks on what a relationship should look like, on how those in a relationship should treated by the other. How much time should spend together, how much they should do for each other. As a result, there are often many misunderstandings in relationships concerning what each person can expect from the other and what is reasonable and unreasonable.


In sobriety, I will be able to ask for what I want and need rather than expecting the other person to just “know.” Learning how to discuss and work through problems and disagreements rather than merely reacting. I am developing basic relationship skills.


 Unfortunately the reality of this world is that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea.  Some people are going to see my imperfections and judge me, some will run for the hills, and some will straight up tell me how horrible I am.  I can’t hide from these facts and it will not be easy to overcome. Getting rejected for who I truly am hurts deeply than I could have ever imagined. I’ve already have had people shun me from my past addiction and even had some people in recovery shun my program, not understanding that I will never be anonymous.


While some people will look at my imperfections and run. Some people will look at them and embrace me with open arms.  The feeling of being rejected for who you are may be horribly painful, but the feeling of true acceptance is indescribable. To know that you can be yourself and not have to put on an act is liberating and comforting all at once. Sober is the New Black







one more day



i am here













I Came across this video and in brought me to tears, its from a film maker Shea Glover




Here’s a song that i listen often, music helps heal the soul




Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez


Day 428 sober: I am not my Past Addiction

Hello Friends today is day 428 sober. This past week has been a fun. I have a couple months off of work and in that time I am doing whatever the heart desires. The book is 90 percent done. I took a couple days off from writing to clear my head. The last few chapters of the book seem to be hardest to complete.  It has Brought upon a bit of writers block. I already know the last sentence of the book. The look of the book is as important to me as the content. I know this book will help the 40,000 who read Sober is the new black, I hope to reach millions of others who might be struggling in sobriety, addicts who are still using and family of loved ones who suffer. Giving an in depth biography of what happens to the mind, body and soul of the addict once they stop using from day 1 sober too 1 year sober.


 Everyday I have to remind myself I am not my past addiction, I am who I choose to be today in this moment. Others might still see me as the past addiction symptoms. I will no longer waste energy on others who are committed to not understanding me or getting to know my true self. No one is born wanting to an addict, Circumstances and traumas happen, once they cross over the invisible line the disease starts.


My disease will not define me like diabetes doesn’t define a diabetic. We are so much more than our past addiction. In the first month of sobriety, I hesitated to tell others I suffered from addiction. I would speak about it online but when meeting someone for the first time. I was afraid of being labeled or judged. It’s like coming out all over again.



I seen an article that said “you should never fall in love with someone who struggled with addiction”. That article brought so much pain to my heart, I cried most of the day. How can society be judgmental on something that they have never lived through. It’s seems addiction along with HIV and AIDs are two diseases that are discriminated against.


When I go on a date, I ask myself questions like “when should I disclose why I don’t order a beer during dinner?” “After how many dates should I tell the person?” “If I don’t tell them right away, does that mean I’m hiding or lying?” First dates should be light and fun, not heavy. I can’t explain my past addiction without giving the whole dark childhood.



I went on a date last year with a smart, humbled, successful artist. We had so much fun dancing the night away, Making out, and talking. It was the first time since my break up were we just flowed and it was effort-less. After spending the day together we went to dinner after the club. He made me feel so comfortable which never happens with someone I just met. So I told him the reason why I was not  drinking. His responses was “I cant be in a relationship with someone who I can’t enjoy a night cap with at the end of the night.”



He saw past all my good qualities and defined me by the past addiction. Of course I was bummed and obviously he wasn’t the one for me. I was hopeful and excited to finally meet a guy that I clicked with. But now I was sitting across the dinner table deflated from the hope I once had. Feeling terrible, thinking love will be hard and it shouldn’t be. If I never had an addiction than I would probably be married by now. Negative thoughts started to race through my mind going and going. Should I date someone in recovery? I can’t help whom I fall for. Would it be hard to be with somebody who drinks? Should I even attempt to connect with another guy who suffered from addiction? I know whatever will be will be, so I have to wait and see.


The word addict can scare a person but its understandable, the symptoms of the disease can cause a lot of harm to others and love ones. Some people are unaware because they don’t know addicts or they have been hurt by addicts. In the past I would  care what others thought in the beginning of sobriety. Now it’s the first thing I disclose, it helps weed out the ones that are not open. I have to be “Ok” with someone not wanting to be friends or in a relationship with me because of my addiction. I want tolerance so I have to give tolerance


 A person might think someone in recovery might not be fun to hangout with or a downer. Just to clarify it’s the opposite. In my case I’m laughing most of my day, wanting to dance, be a better friend and a lot more outgoing. Very open to trying new things.

When I was using I was secluded, non social, not wanting to do anything, in dive bars, passing out and getting drunk early, emotional, angry, would get offend by everybody and everything. I wasn’t fun to be around. I lacked passion in learning from others, I thought I knew it all. I would have blackouts and drunken stumbles that caused a lot of damage to others.



A person might not invite me out because they don’t want to feel guilty for drinking around me. It all varies from person to person who is in recovery. For me I am at the point in my recovery were I could be around alcohol and not crave.



Now that I am sober, no one can make me feel any less than what I feel for myself. I’m very content with the friends I have in my life at the moment, I am now building on those relationship, instead of looking for validation in others who I lost due to my addiction. Sobriety is number one the rest follows and I can’t be with someone or have friends that don’t understand that. I need people to see past my disorder and see my heart. Sober is the New black
















This week I’ll be working on the book but also catching the new Amy Winehouse documentary, I’ve been waiting for this film for the past year. I’ve been a huge fan since she made her first album before she blew up. Seen her live before back to black. Here’s an interview from Vice with The director Asif Kapadia of AMY




Day 421 Sober: Creating happiness

Hello friends today is 421 days of sober, this past week I’ve been working hard on my book. It should be finished sometime this week than off to the editors. I’ve been staying focus, working my program, and enjoying time with friends. Having Balance is very important in my sobriety


I once believed the pursuit of happiness meant if I accomplish a goal, or found love. I would find happiness. Now I pursue happiness that already lives within me then I’ll find the happiness I seek. I have everything I need in me. No material thing, or even another person is capable of bringing me something I don’t already have within. I stop looking for material abundance expecting happiness, joy and peace of mind.


 When I was an active addict my mind believed in finding someone or getting new shoes or drinking would make me happy but I soon had that empty feeling. The happiness buzz was temporary and left quickly. So I was off seeking a new pair of shoes and my next drink. My ego wanted more; it is determined to always want more. I have the ability to find the peace and joy right now, in this very moment. The world is full of beautiful things. These things in themselves are not bad, but the ideas I placed on them and the attachments I’d have with them caused the problems. I can’t expect the dream job, love from others or a brand new car to fill the emptiness inside me


Happiness cannot be found, it can only be created within us. Instead of chasing happiness in things and achievements, identify what choices make you feel good, and good about yourself. Commit to making those choices regularly.


Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.



 Whatever my reality is in the moment it’s the reflection of my emotions, thoughts and energy I’m releasing into the universe. If start changing my thoughts to happy ones, than that would bleed into me feeling happy. My world will not change unless I do. If it’s peace I’m looking for, then I must find it within me than I’ll attract experiences that raise’s my sense of peace. 


I am a human with a range of emotions. I will lose loved ones from death so of course I will feel pain, hurt and maybe even anger but That’s when I use my tools with in myself to grief, weep healing tears, and having emotional outburst. Going through my addiction I have learned of creating a new normal. So after the pain subsides and emotions level from losing a loved one, I can create happiness again. It’s a conscious decision to live a happy and fulfilling life despite the tragedy. If I believe I would never be happy after loss than it’s likely to come true. If I’d believe in time I could be happy after loss. I am more likely to seek-out joy inside myself and in life.



Thoughts and emotions are choices. So does that mean people choose to be sad? No one chooses to be sad but we act out based on what the ego believes and expects in every situation. My expectation, perception, and reaction, intertwines with every circumstance. Nothing, not a person, or event can take away happiness, joy, or inner peace unless I allow it.


Negative emotions are never True self or conscious wish. It’s the beliefs and expectations of the ego. Waiting for the future to bring peace and happiness like  “I’ll be happy when, or I’ll find the peace of mind if”.  Will never render because the future is determined by the choices I make in this moment. How can I expect to create something different than what I have now, if I do not change what I do?


There were three major reasons why I never felt happy, first was I was always searching outside myself for happiness, second I could not let go of pain, traumatic experiences, and dark childhood, which lead to my third addiction.

 The inability to let go of feelings of pain from the past, or worrying about rejection happening in the future.

Letting go was something that took twenty-eight years for me to learn. I now understand letting go is accepting that the past cannot be any different than it was. Not that it was “Ok” but that it had happen. So what can I learn from it so I could make the next right move. If I needed to cry than I do so. Letting go can also mean doing nothing. Giving space between how I feel in that moment so I could grieve than make my next positive thought and action.

I’m no longer scared of feeling emotions but more importantly being aware of the feeling so I know where it’s coming from so i could  heal it.   Rather than immediately trying to get rid of the pain I feel by blaming someone else, beating myself up, seeking revenge, or using substance, I have faith that it will go.


I just have to keep maintaining joy and peace with that I will attract more situations alike. If I’d focus on fears, concerns, and worries it will only bring more stuff to worry about. Feeling Worried means I am focusing on the future. Feeling regretful, guilt, or shame means I am focusing on the past. By being fully present in the moment I can find inner peace and happiness.


Choosing to be happy is a decision that can be made at rock bottom regardless on how low the reality is. Those experiences were created by the thoughts and beliefs you had. You are no longer who you were in the past, a month ago, a week ago, an hour ago. You are now, start creating from this point on with thoughts and choices. Change the state of mind, start thinking more positive thoughts.  You will feel happy  and it will releases energy into the universe. Your reality will shift.


Peace of mind and happiness has been with me this whole time. I’ve just been looking everywhere else in order to fill the addiction void deep within. But now I am found. I now know I can’t find peace, joy, and happiness outside myself, it comes from within. There is no other time than now. The future is a fantasy waiting to be created from the choices you make now. There will only be the present moment.


When letting go of the stress of tomorrows, and the regrets of the past. I can determine what I really feel.  Do I have all that I need in this moment? Do I have air, shelter, and water that my body needs? If I’m not happy with what I have in this moment, no amount of money, people, friendships, or material objects will change that or only give temporary happiness. If I create happiness without those than life will shift and the universe bring me more happiness.

 Seeking peace, joy and happiness with outside materials or in other people or waiting for the future to bring will always be a few inches out of reach. Like a dog chasing a bone he will never catch. The reason why happiness seems brief is not because of the circumstances that surround us, but because it is something trying to be found rather than created. 

 Life is like a blank canvas able to create the life that I want without the past blinding me. Always believe that every experience that happens in my life is the universe and god speaking to me. I feel god in everything. God speaks to me with experiences, thoughts and feelings. Sober is the New Black





love "you"
















figured out



The lead sing from The killers, Brandon Flowers just released his second solo album The desired effect. I’ve been a huge fan for the past 11 years, seeing them over 50 times. From state to state. I even have a few tattoos of them, so i might be a little biased but his music is electrifying. Here is “I can change”





Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 413 Sober: What does Surrender mean?

Hello friends today is day 413 sober, this week has been a great week. I’ve been working on my positive thoughts. I’ve been surrounded by family and loved ones. Sobriety has brought me awareness. That I get to live another day to see family and friends that I love, is what I hold nearest to my heart.

Surrendering is one of the biggest gifts sobriety has brought me. The meaning behind surrendering could mean different things depending on a person. When I was using I felt surrendering was giving up. I can either win or lose and losing equaled surrendering. I learned that from the film’s I watched or book’s I read. Seeing a criminal surrender to cops. That is one angle, depending on the person level of awareness.I now see surrendering as something completely opposite


On a spiritual level for me surrendering is letting go and allowing my higher power to take over. That allows me to just be in the moment. Accepting “what is”. Surrendering isn’t giving up but having faith that the universe or higher power will guide my toes without me seeing a clear path.


In the beginning stages of sobriety when I surrendered I would beg, cry, plead, try every which way, until I was black and blue than surrender. That was self-abusive, now I just relax my mind, body and soul. When I’m calm I ask my higher power what’s the next right move. If a clear vision appears than I move in that direction. If not than I let it be, and let the universe work it’s law.


In the past I was consumed with achieving outcomes that I wanted, so I kept fighting without seeing blockades the universe was giving me. I would beat myself up or became bitter towards life and god. When I didn’t get what I wanted. When I was drinking alcohol I was against the flow of life. I felt unsettled, unhappy, and not a peace.

The flow of life takes me deeper and closer to my True self, where anything is possible.


The more I surrender, the closer I get to my true self. The closer I get to my true self the more I let go of ideas, opinions, and ego on how life should be. I become less attached and defined by outside stuff. When that happens “what I think I want” or “need” starts to fade. That doesn’t mean I don’t have goals or dreams but an understanding that I’m the co creator with the ultimate creator.


So when life is flowing and time is ticking. Life isn’t going as plan. In the past I would think I was a failure but the truth is it’s really a lesson that can guide me to a greater purpose or meaning. The ultimate creator has a different plan for me. At the time it might feel scary or painful but in the end good always rises with the higher power guiding you.


My rock bottom was the first time I ever really surrender. I just knew it was time to surrender. There are no words that could justify my awakening. It’s more of a feeling in that moment. That life isn’t going as planned. I kept trying to fix it on my own. I was creating more of a mess with a broken mind and soul. I had to accept I was an addict than let go and let god.

When life feels like its caving in, or you feel extreme stress towards a circumstance. You feel like you’re pushing against the flow of life, and your body is depleted from exhausted inside and outside, you can’t control emotions.

You can sit and see if there is purpose or meaning behind what you fighting for. Do I need to keep on this journey and face these fears? Or do I need to surrender because I am stuck wanting something now. Am I being stubborn. Once I started looking inward for questions the answer appears.


Than I ask myself how bad do I want change; the willingness to change? I wanted sobriety so bad day 1 sober. So bad I would have done anything and everything (and still do)



It ‘s important to see why we do whatever it is that is holding us back. So we don’t keep repeating the patterns or cycles. Having a greater awareness around situations allows me to be more deeply united with divine purpose, a meaningful existence with an impactful life. Sober is the new black.









love spells








Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez