DAY 342 Sober: A sensitive person

A hello friends, today is day 342 sober. Its 2:48am. I am sitting in my bathtub. Ill probably post this in the afternoon. I felt I needed to get this out before I head to sleep. I’ve always been a very sensitive person. At times I feel like my heart lives on my skin. Being sensitive I believe is a gift. I’m always in tune with my feelings. Compassion flows through me effortless, cautious about taking action, and more carefully considers options and possible outcomes. Being sensitive helps me with my poetry and writing, also at times I feel my five senses are more vivid whether it’s touch, scent, or a beautiful view.

Being sensitive can also be hard at times especially when you are no longer numbing yourself from substance. As a kid I was so sensitive it was hard for me to connect with others. I didn’t have much friends. I was a loner, an introvert closing myself off so I wouldn’t get hurt from others. I was already being hurt at home and a child could only handle so much pain.

Now that I am an adult it seems people harsh comments about my blog or poems could put me in a funk that might last a day. I sometimes feel I have to explain why is it that I am so open about my past addiction. I hope it helps somebody who might be having a hard time believing in sobriety or maybe it might inspire someone to stop using. People can Google day one sober or day 167 sober and sober are the new black will pop up. They can see what I was going through that day and maybe somewhere in that post they can relate or connect, helping in some way. I’m trying to make everyday count in my sobriety. I knew from day one  I could never be anonymous. I want to be a voice an advocate for sobriety. By openly sharing my story. Some people who don’t suffer from this disease see addiction as more of a choice, than a metal and body disease. I hope to bring awareness and understanding, that we who suffer never planned on being a addict. Yes active addicts have horrible symptoms and side effects that can lead to criminal acts.

 

A person shouldn’t be define by their disease or symptoms they are so much more.

My dreams now involve wearing year sober shirts in public so the world can see you can have a past addiction and still achieve dreams that were once unimaginable. Live a happy life. Have love, I might even wear a 5 years sober shirt under my wedding suit because without sober I would not have anything. Making me grateful for every big and small thing I have.   Sober is the New Black.

Yesterday someone made a comment that affected me the great portion of the day. Basically stating I wasn’t a real poet. Writing is in my blood and my poems are my purpose. Me being a sensitive person I got hurt and I shed some tears. It brought me down and that voice we all have in our mind made me feel less talented, I wasn’t following the guidelines of making art (which I don’t think there is), I started to question my truth. I did not have a craving because of it, which I am so grateful.

I spoke to a great friend throughout the day who words helped me. I’m publicly showing my poems, sobriety and soon to be book. People are always going to have an opinion. I know some might not like it. I am ok with that but the ones who are just rude I have to ignore. I do believe this blog and poems are connecting with others. I can’t waste energy on people who are committed to not liking or understanding me. I also can’t let others define me or make me question my true self.

I will keep writing, writing, and writing until I’m on my deathbed and even than I’ll have some ideas for my next poems with a pen and paper. Sober is the new black

 

Here are some Poems I’ve written this past week.

 

My Addiction Stole people from my life but it needed to happen. So I can do it on my own. Making me beyond grateful to reunite healthy and happy

Hello

In order to change you must do the work and feel the pain to understand the lesson

Lightmatch

I am always here for my readers if they need help XOXOXO

home

All poems are my truth, life goes up and down. I’ve experience A lot of dark in my life. When i was younger it seemed i was cursed at love

Cursed

 

You and I are not our past. Don’t let childhood define our ambitions.

Breakaway

This poem is about the early stages of being sober. The first few days on the battle field

Battle

so this next poem might offend some people and for a moment i was unsure of sharing it. But this is my truth, This blog is raw and i have to be open. I cant sugar coat my past and I have to own every part of my life. Part of my recovery is Moral inventory. Before I moved to la. I was using drugs and booze I was very promiscuous, a floozy, whorish. Writing helps me take out all the dark stuff put it on paper detoxing my soul. I hope by me being honest it could help someone not be ashamed from with they did when they were using drugs or alcohol. Sober is the New Black

 

Whore

 

Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

Today I will shake off those critics.

11 Months Sober

Hello friends, today 11 months sober. I’m in my hometown Palm Springs Ca. Surrounded by loved ones. Today I woke up and cried tears of happiness and gratitude. I never thought I would be 11 months sober feeling content and peaceful. Today I will spoil myself a bit. I make every day count but also celebrate every minute that I am sober. For the first time I feel in control of my life, making right moves, creating love, creating happiness, creating positive thoughts, seeing people in the light of love and not in EGO. As I writing this down, tears are covering my keyboard. I be Heading to Las Vegas Nevada in a few hrs. Going to celebrate with family but before I will be spend sometime with my high power. Give thanks for my sobriety.

 

No cravings for that old life just moving forward in this newly found sober life. I’ve been self reflecting a lot more these days, now that Ive healed old wounds. As days go on I find myself feeling very content and happy on were my life is headed. I have to see the positive in each day. I also realized my writings and poetry are something new. When I first started writing the vision in my head did not match the end product. I just wasn’t that great or skilled. In my head I had this vision but when I put pen to paper I found myself lost or dissatisfied. I knew I had a talent in writing. The only way to get better is by volume of work. I do love what I write and some stuff is great and some stuff is not up to par. I just need to keep writing and the gap between my vision and end product will get smaller, eventually syncing and there will be no gap.

 

I sometimes have to remind myself writing should be for me, only write what I know, feel and been through. I cannot write someone else story or  write for others opinion or try to always end on a positive note. Sometimes things happens and the end result doesn’t feel positive at that time. I am sure eventually a lesson will surface but I have to write in the moment.

I can’t be in fear of writing something that isn’t good or fear failure because it will happen. The Fear of Failure can prevent me from achieving dreams and reaching my full potential. When I was an active addict my whole day was fear based. Fear of losing love, fear of trying, fear of dying, fear of my own greatness as a child I was so anxiety ridden. So now I force myself to write everyday. In bed before I sleep. On the morning commute. Lunch breaks. Even quick notes and ideas. I carry my Mac and notebook with me all times. So I can write down ideas before they escape my mind.

 

So what’s my dream?  spend my days writing and helping other see their full potential. Bring awareness to addiction. Making sober cool in our youth. Writing for film or TV. Become a published author. All those dreams will come true, all I got to do is stay SOBER…. Sober is the New Black

 

Here are some poems I’d birth the past couple of weeks.

 

My Ex saw a light in me when i was at my darkest state, He fought so hard for me to see my capability. So happy I see the light now.

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We’ve all been to places that are dark. People might judge from the roads you have walked. Let them go if they are committed to not understanding you

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As a child i felt loneliness to the extreme, daydreaming was my escape.

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One of the greatest lessons sobriety has brought is the lesson below

 

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This one is about …… people coming back into your life once you are in recovery. If you are blessed enough mending those relationship.

 

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Losing love and getting sober is hard. trust me hahahaha

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Surrendering is a beautiful thing

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Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

Day 327 Sober: Amy Winehouse

Hello friends, today is day 327 sober. I’ve been under the weather with a cold. While having the cold I got food poisoning. The worst. Today is the first day I have the strength to write. The whole time I was sick I wanted to recover quickly so I can get back to sober is the new black. Writing helps me self reflect. When I’m not writing I feel stagnate, stuck and without a purpose. Just floating through life without really living.

 

When I was an active addict I was obsessed with Amy Winehouse, her music was so raw and in a way very rebellious. At the time I wasn’t aware I was an addict. I knew I would drink in abundance, was in a dark place. I wasn’t aware that everything that was going wrong in my life was due to substance abuse. The universe kept giving me signs with every car I crashed, with every friend I lost, with every fight that happen. I connected with Amy Winehouse music on so many levels. Now that I’m sober I still love her music but now my perception of her and her music has changed. I see an artist that was suffering, trying to find herself through her music. Lost and a bit disheveled not rebellious. Her behavior, which seemed reckless at times, was just a symptom from the mind and body disease. I feel a bit sad she was never able to overcome her addiction . Her music will live on and her life can be a lesson “addiction doesn’t discriminate; rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight”. If I kept on being an active addict it would have put me six feet under. I am so grateful for the awareness sobriety has brought me. When she past I was in complete shock, that day i felt a bit heavy with sadness. Even after her death i kept on using not seeing Amy tragic end as a lesson or wake up call.

 

When I was in my early 20’s I would never look towards the future. I was only looking for the next instant gratification which was getting high, buzz, getting off, money, shoes Etc. I didn’t care about the future or long-term goals because I didn’t think I was capable of anything great. My mind would feed me False lies from a dark past. It was so easy using my dark past as an excuse for my behaviors and habits. My infected mind wouldn’t allow me to see possibility, a great future, happiness, love, self worth. It kept feeding, past hurts, childhood stories, false self.

Just because one is sober the mind still can feed those negative stories but once you find a program that works and start healing. Those negative stories become strength. I now can go back, reflect and speak about my past without feeling hurt or anger towards them. It gets easier separating me from the mind and body disease. Catching those negative stories. Shutting it down in seconds. Sober is the New Black.

A new Documentary coming out this summer called Amy is about the rise and fall of Amy Winehouse. Opening our eyes to the real Amy. She was not her addiction. She was something greater.

One of my favorite performances from Amy is so raw  you can feel every word in her voice.

 

Here are Some of poems I’ve Recently birth.

Feel free to share my poems, just credit me.

You can find all my poems on my instagram https://instagram.com/soberwriter

 

No matter how dark the night, or how bad you feel. The sun will rise and a new day will shine. arise

We are all different and have unique qualities. making us perfect and one of a kind.

Little star

When I was a child, I wanted to fly away to a new life far from the one I had. I was lonely, abused, hurt and did not trust anyone. I know there might be other kids running away. When they are stronger and ready to come home. love will embrace them.

 

 

satellite

I’m very grateful for knowing and feeling true love.

his

There will be times when life gets hard, people that we love will pass. We cant give up or forget who we are in the chaos of life

look up

There are times when i lay in bed thinking I could have reacted better or done that better but when i lay in bed knowing i was the best me. That’s when i feel most beautiful inside and out.

beautiful

once you heal and let go.  happiness, joy, gratefulness, compassion will grow

seeds of change

I wrote this about my past addiction switching from cocaine to Alcohol

Overdosing

We all have moments of connecting with others. Whether its love or lust, I will not let my mind close me off to love. Or have expectations of love. Just be in the moment and enjoy their company.

magnolia trees

In the past i would let my circumstances dictate how i acted and saw the world. My life at the time define every part of me but i realized i am not my circumstances, I will create my life starting with my thoughts. When I change the way I look at things. The things I look at change.

world

Helping and Inspiring others is the greatest feeling of all

Shooting star

When we break we heal back stronger than before.

Break Bones

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 310 Sober: Wonderful Unknowns

Hello Friends today is 310 days of sober. I am in a Café by the name of Iota in Korea town. It’s my favorite place it feels like home. As I was writing a man approached me, he was drinking and smelled of old stale beer. He was beyond drunk; he started talking about his life and how he wasn’t happy. In the beginning I was a bit annoyed because I needed to get some writing done but than I realized it was an opportunity to share my experience and maybe it can help. He seemed to be struggling with addiction. I saw “good” in him. I saw past his disorder. We all know the only person that can want to change is one self and he just didn’t seem opened to wanting it. Maybe he wasn’t ready for the work. I hope one day he finds that peace in sobriety.

This weekend Family came down to visit. We had a blast going to Bookstores, spa, ate some amazing foods and had great conversation. The more days fly on and months go by. The easier it is to stay sober. I’m cant even remember the old me and I’m madly in love with getting to know the new me. Every part of my life is flowing wonderfully Sober is my new black.  Sober is the best thing I have worn in my life. Substance abuse was a symptom to my inner turmoil of past pain that was never healed. I did not have the proper understanding or tools to heal.

I am coming up on a year sober. This year has been the most difficult but the most rewarding. It was like a rebirth, new beginning born from a heartbroken and dark end. Sobriety is number one and the rest follows because without sobriety I have nothing. The only thing I know about my future is my lips will never taste a whiskey kiss again after that I am not sure were my life is headed. The wonderful unknowns are a beautiful thing So much possibility, so much room for growth.

I know one-day I will have a love in my life that I will share a home with, watching each other grow inside and out. Seeing each other make mistakes and learn, building a bond so tight no outside influence can break it because I believe in love and will work my butt off for it. I now know how to build a healthy Relationship. It all starts with a healthy relationship with myself. For me love is the most important thing in my life, saying I love you and feeling love for someone isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is how you show your love to that one. Listening, compassion, giving advice when asked, loving unconditional because we all have ups and downs within our self’s and sometimes one of us needs to be that rock so the other can Break.  Sober is the New Black

 

I’m in the process of finding a bigger place for myself. I’m out growing my apartment and need to create a space in my home for my writing. A little corner filled with some inspiration. Looking to move away from downtown LA, not really inspired their, maybe closer to Hollywood or the Westside.

 

 

Here some poems I’ve written the passed couple of days,The first one is about dreams I’ve been dreaming lately. Dreams of peace

 

This one is about when i find that love, building a relationship on life journeylifes Journey

 

This one is about finding life beauty with are 5 senses

5 senses

 

This one is about rewriting a new life away from past hazeBurn pages

 

Brandon flowers just released a new video called Can’t Deny my love staring Evan Rachel Wood. This video is very symbolic to my journey into my sobriety. Leaving and walking into the unknown, learning and healing. Hope you enjoy it.

 

 

 

Sober is the New Black

 

Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

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10 months sober

Hello Friends today is 10 months sober. It seems I had to learn most lessons the hard way.  I think the reason is growing up I had no example or foundation. No teacher teaching me love, self worth or encouragement.  When I first learned how to ride a bike I was six. It was a teenager bike with no helmet. My butt couldn’t touch the seat because my feet had to reach the pedals. I kept falling, crashing, cutting up my legs but I was determined so I kept getting back up. Eventually I got the hang of it.

I really wanted to learn how to ride a bike but did not have the proper tools like a bike for my age, helmet, knee pads or parents outside helping me but I knew I wanted to ride. After being bruised, hurt, bleeding. I finally LEARNED how to ride my bike. It took days but I was determined. The reason why this story is so profound is I took this learning into my adult life “Learning the hard way”

I was never taught how to receive or give love , or how to be a great friend.  I was just trying to survive. I wanted to love but my actions never met how I felt. Every person I would meet I thought would eventually hurt me. My parents were suppose to protect me and teach me how to be a man but instead they abused me in more than one way. When I turned 15, I went out on my own  without any tools.

I now have the proper tools so I don’t have to learn the hard way in some aspects of my life. When I was 6, if I had a bike my size,training wheels and parents teaching me.  I would have learned a softer way.

Now In my adult life my training wheels will be hope/faith and my helmet/protection will be the high power that lives in me. What will help me get back up, guiding me will be my sobriety. I might still learn the hard way with some stuff but I am willing to learn and I know my falls won’t be as hard because of my clean and sober mind.

 

Ill be traveling to Seattle in at the end of April, very excited for this trip. One of many in the works. I hope to meet some of my readers of sober are the new black. I’ve had some readers approach me in public, letting me know they are reading, following and that it helps them self reflect. It sometimes hard for me to comprehend that I can help someone in his or her sobriety.It brings me so much joy and tears. so grateful . When I started the blog it was just I documenting my struggles but I realized it turn into something bigger and I am very grateful.

Macklemore is a huge inspiration to millions. Their music touch my heart in so many ways. Today I got an email from Macklemore and his company congratulating me on my 300 days of sober. Right now he is working on his new album. Can’t wait for it to come out. The videos below are some his songs talking about Ben Haggerty addiction and recovery. I love hearing others speak out about their addiction and recovery. Someone will here those words that might save their life.

 

 

 

 

 

Here some of my poems i have written in past couple of days

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Here are some photos from Las Vegas

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Stay connect with love Adolfo Vasquez

300 days of Sober

Hello Friends today is day 300 sober. It feels pretty amazing celebrating 300 days of sober in palm springs CA my hometown. Just Arrived at one of my favorite spots called Azul. Heading out to Las Vegas tomorrow.  I feel this new breeze of inspiration. In the beginning of 9 months sober I felt a bit of a haze of sadness. That has passed and feeling inspired again. I guess even people who don’t have an addiction go through periods of their life feeling a bit down. Sobriety forced me to self reflect, go inside myself finding my voice, inner light, find out why I was so self abusive. In doing so I found a love for poetry.

Poetry, poems, and prose are given life after I write them. They live on hopefully connecting with others. I hope they will Transcend from decade to decade. Even after I pass on. 100 years from now someone might read my poems and connect with it. Maybe it will help them, feel and understand what I meant in return keeping my spirit alive. Inspiring them to self reflect and heal encouraging them create art turning pain into inspiration.

When I am writing I feel free. No barricades, no filters, no boundaries. Away from ego and just my truth and feelings. I believe everyone is a writer and his or her life is the greatest story to tell. One can create their story in any art form, like photography, painting, writing, acting, creating clothes etc. Art is liberation. Liberation is where you find true self. That’s a place where I constantly want to live. Sober is the New Black

The past few months, I’ve been having dreams of my EX that would put me in a funk the next morning. The last two dreams was of him and his new boyfriend, in that dream I did not see him. I knew he was around because it was mention by others but I couldn’t find him. I just saw his shadows on the wall. It was like my mind was preparing me for a life without him or forcing me accept with is the truth. My mind did not want to see him yet. I did not wake up in a funk that time but an understanding.

The second dream I did see him face to face but he was unrecognizable, it was like I didn’t know who he was. He had long hair and tattoos. He would never. I feel that dream is telling me who I loved in the past isn’t who is today. I may be reading this dream wrong but Both dreams have been very therapeutic.

Last night I stay up a bit, scrolling trough old Facebook post. I went back to the beginning when Vince and I made it official Oct 29 2010. I wanted to see my old self, seeing old post brought me a sense of missing, not for booze but for his friendship. I also seen missed opportunities on my part that could have strengthened the relationship. I also saw myself as very stagnant no purpose, no fiery passion, and no sense of healing old wounds. That brought me another form of sadness, Vince never had the chance to see me blossom, what he worked so hard to help me with. I had some anger towards him recently but now I have no ill feelings. Sober is the New Black

I used to think Vince saved me but the reality was he taught me how to save myself and for that he will always be close to my heart.

In other news  Sober is the New Black apparel line is coming out in the next few months and my book will be finish in April than off to the editors. Who would have thought that this boy would be close to a year sober, with a book in the works, and an apparel line? Sobriety brings dreams that are so big my mind could not have thought it possible when I was at my rock bottom.  Well Vince always knew that it was possible for me to reach for dreams. Now I do and I will, I can and I did.

 

 

Here are some of the poems I birth this week, some joyful and some dark. All my truth in that moment.

 

I'm Possible

 

Days, weeks, years

 

Wine Stained Chains

 

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This song from Kelly Clarkson is my truth

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez