1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 77 Sober: A Dream Come True

Hello friends, today is day 77 sober, yesterday I got some news. I really can’t share it now but if there is anyone out there that question if they should stay sober or anyone out there that is suffering. I can tell you dreams that are unimaginable dreams will come when you put that drink down and not only put the drink down but go inside yourself and do the work. The Work is hard at first but it turns into excitement because you start realizing that its really not work it’s more finding the essence of you. At Day one I never thought that this dream was even possible but only with staying sober doing the work, finding me has allowed this dream to come into existence. I started matching my words, thoughts and actions. I started to create from with in happiness, love and passion. This dream is going to take me to next level of happiness next level of bliss. I am so grateful; I cant even put into words. So today I weep of joy, with the lack of sleep and I am so ready to do what is necessary to not only hold on to this dream but also put the work that is needed into it. Sobriety is number one, Always and forever.

 

 So this a letter to anyone who is suffering, I was in bed on May 24 2014 crippled by Addiction but in the midst of my screams and cries, The misery, the pain, the lose. I realized at that moment, the reason for it all was Alcohol. At that moment I accepted the fact I was addict and not only accepted it wanting to change. This inner strength was very small and bleak at first but it was there, somehow I found it and hold on to it. Asked my higher power to strengthen it. At that moment that wants for a drink vanish and the want for life happened. It takes a lot of work, tears, letting go, becoming self aware on how the mind of the addiction works, The steps, finding a higher power you can surrender to, one that you understand it to be. I will always be a work in progress and don’t plan on being perfect, because once I think I’ve got it and I am perfect than I stop growing and I become stagnant. Its baby steps sometimes. In 77 days of being sober, everything is brighter, I feel peace and serenity, I have deep love for myself, I am inspired by everything from the light upon my skin, to the sweet air in my lungs, to a smile a person gives me, inspired by connections I made and will continue to make. Inspired by moments only my higher power and I had the opportunity to see. I used to think I had no love but I didn’t know that was created from within, I was always looking outside for love, outside for happiness. Now that I have love and happiness within myself, I can now share love and happiness with someone else.

 

I am so grateful for the men and women who have more days sober than me, you guys are my teachers, my strength, you give me tough love which is sometimes the most important kind of love, you paved a path walked by millions, on that path I see love shining from the pavement, on the side of the path I see supportive people cheering me on. I am so grateful for people who have less days sober than me because you inspire me to keep my courage lit so I can inspire courage with in you and cheer you on. The love I found in AA and outside AA is indescribable. People in recovery are some of the strongest people on this planet, to go from the depth of despair to a beacon of light. Sober is the New Black. I am extremely grateful for this dream and for friends in recovery.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

This clip from the film DreamGirls is how i feel at the moment its the Finale, That little girl in this clip Weeping in the  audience is my inner child weeping as I am about to embark on the dream. I am on stage singing to my inner child letting that child know its ok, time to go, I got this now

DAY 72 Sober: Adolfo In the Moment

Hello friends today is Day 72 sober, I was up late last night writing away at Starbucks on my walk back home it started to rain which in august is kind of weird but I embraced it. After a great writing session I birth a new poem. I am very excited to share it with everyone soon. The walk home was so beautiful, when I got to the front of my apartment building I found myself sitting in the rain, embracing the beauty of the universe. I am such a small part and I am very grateful. People around me are telling me I’ve changed, that I seemed calmer and happier. In responses I say, I am the Adolfo that’s always been afraid to come out but Adolfo is no longer afraid, also has passion to become great. I sometimes find myself walking home and tears starts to flow not of pain but of joy. Knowing that I feel joy and peace with being sober, something I never knew was possible. People say life keeps getting better, my mind can’t imagine the joy inside being any greater than it is. Sobriety has brought me such peace and only with that peace I see the world from a different view, life smells sweet, and everything looks brighter from the light the shines upon me to the night gloom that surrounds me. People also say it’s a pink cloud phase and it will pass, well my goal is to never let it pass and even the worse days of sobriety is a pink cloud over a fun day drunk.

 

Addiction for me is a blessing because it forced me into recovery so I can begin healing my past and my wrongs, than it introduce me to that Inner divine, the co creator of life that allows endless possibility. If I didn’t have Addiction than I would still be walking around a bitter hop of past and pain. I can now see a clear path, what I need to do to get to my long-term goal. Constant work and discipline is keeping my mind focus. Nothing comes before my sobriety because without it I have nothing. I lose myself. Alcohol killed everything alive in my life, and preserves everything that is dead. It’s never too late to change your thought process and gain control over the mind. We are all powerful and capable. For me Alcoholism started in my mind in the form of thoughts that lead to the body. I recently became aware that my thoughts are controlled by me. Than with that I was able to do the work, learn to be happy, made different choices, deal with feelings and forgive my past and myself. I am not perfect, I don’t know all the answers but I want to learn all about myself so I can heal, I want to learn everything, I want to be the best for me and others. I am a work in progress. I want be in constant growth and evolving, not being stagnant in fear created by my mind. With that said I will buying a plane ticket somewhere so I can face my fear of flying, not sure where but it needs to happen. This is me in the moment, changing with every second of sobriety. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for love, finding myself, and meeting my inner divine. No one can take away what I create inside myself.

 

Natasha Bedingfield Unwritten is how i feel in this moment

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo