DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 270 Sober: My Breakthrough

Hello Friends today is day 270 sober. Today has been a great day so far. Had a toothache last night into the morning light but feeling a lot better. Right now I am sitting in a café in Korea town enjoy a great read when a thought came into my head, I asked myself a question with a clear mind. Why did I start drinking? Within a sec of asking me that question the answer surfaced, that inner light that dwells in me must have known I was ready.

 

At a very young age, my reality was dark and fear-based.  I would pretend to live in a fantasy most of my childhood, playing pretend. That was acceptable because I was a kid. As I got older in the middle schools and high school playing pretend turned into daydreaming a life than the one I was currently living. High school and middle school was even darker than my childhood. As I got into my early 20’s I couldn’t hide from my reality and found a different escape, which was in the form of substance.

Substance made me happy, free and felt a bond I never felt before. After that “high” or “drinking” I would be thrown back into my unhappy reality so of course I would count the hours till 5pm or the next high to escape.

I was never taught how to create a happy life, no tools, no knowledge, and no foundation. I was going through life embracing experiences one bad after another without listening to the universe that I was on the wrong path. I guess my ears were still clogged from all the past pain. I thought life was just surviving bad experiences, but those bad experiences were just there so I can listen, learn and change.

Since I wasn’t aware or listening.  I repeated making choices that made my reality unhappy thus causing me to use thus creating my life a vicious cycle until my late 20s.

So how do I create a happy reality? The first thing is to always be clear minded so I can never touch another substance that would alter me. With a clear mind, I can create joy feelings with positive thoughts. See life like a blank canvas. Creating the life that I want without the past blinding. Always speak my inner truth and believe that every experience that happens in my life is the universe speaking to me, others call it god.  I feel god is in everything and speaks to me, in experiences, thoughts and feelings. Creating love within myself  for me without others opinions or thoughts. unlearn everything I was thought in my youth so I can learn with a smarter, loving, open, understanding mind and heart.

I am so grateful that at 270 days sober I know why I started using and know that every choice, thought, feeling I make has a direct effect on my future.

 

It seemed throughout my life I’ve learned so many lessons from others pain and for that I am profoundly sorry but also grateful that I am here today “In this moment a better me because of it”. Everyone is a teacher and some will go and some will stay and just because they go doesn’t mean it was an unsuccessful relationship it just means Its time for me to learn a new lesson, feel new things and maybe that teacher needs to teach someone else. With lesson’s I’ve gain from teachers I am able to see life in a different way. A smarter way, Sober is the New Black.

 

joy

 

peace

 

i follow

 

Christina Perri song I Believe is such a powerful and inspiring song. I hope it helps others who might be struggling with believing in their possibility.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 2 Sober : Alcoholism

Today has been a good day ! Feeling really positive with knowing I am an addict. I am sitting in cafe in Koreatown out of the norm for me. It Used to be a few local dive bars writing away. I don’t mind the Atmoshpere,  playing some Bruno mars in the background and a Chai tea. Koreatown has some pretty awesome cafes. I kinda wanted to get more in depth on how being an addict Affects my mind. I believe Alcoholism starts once you stop drinking. I am no longer feeding my disorder so that is when this disorder really starts affecting a persons mind, that is when the ISM comes out in my life in Anxiety, Lying, Depression, loneliness, hurtful thoughts. It appears in a conniving and manipulative voice that sounds just like me and knows me really well and because it does it knows what to say to me to get me to drink.  There have been times where I would go to a movie and instead of heading to Regal near me, I would always choose the Grove.  There is little bar I could never pass up in the farmers market at the grove.  I always end up Subconsciously near a bar or liquor store, shopping next to a Bar… Cvs was my Liquor store.

Once you have a substance abuse disorder every drug will eventually become a disorder. I started with weed ( everybody laughs at me when i call it weed), than cocaine for about 2years, than the booze.  The booze did not get heavy until i quite cocaine, I almost OD a few times and have 3 major neglected hospital bills because of it.. so after my third hospital visit I quit drugs. My drinking became heavy.. I remember the exact moment my mind shifted. I use to always hit up a popular gay bar in Palm springs; my home town. I needed the cocaine to have a good time but was so scared.  The club was so boring.  So I Decided to pounded a few  Jack Daniels and that numb feeling came over me! yes! Its legal! The rest was history. The mistakes were endless. A Public intoxication arrest, totaled cars, Friendships and Relationships crumbling, Very bad nights, to alot of horrible flings, Restrainer orders, verbal attacks, passing out and waking up in weird places, endless amounts of vomit that painted cars, walls, and streets. 

  Alcohol is everywhere you go and legal! Every restaurant, Down Every Aisles, at Birthday parties, Even Chuck e cheese (first job BTW). I feel fine today but i know in time this infected mind will come back with a vengeance, it always finds a way. Substance abuse was a symptom of something very dark that lives inside my mind and heart….I have to rip it out but the only way to find it is staying Sober! Once i find it then i can grief  to heal….  I do know i have been an addict since i was a child. I had all the tendencies and qualifications. Today i am grateful for this blog, you peeps out there who take the time to read this and for 2 days sober. I cant wait to become the amazing Adolfo that has always been inside me waiting to come out.

Stay connected with love,  Adolfo